Well, it's been almost 2 weeks since I posted, so I thought I'd get back here with an update.
I was sick for a few days, but it was just a cold. I ate a lot of soup. The soup was not Medifast soup. It had carbs. The soups I ate had beans, butternut squash, and even barley in them... all 'forbidden foods' on Medifast. Heck, I even got so bold as to drink orange juice. And I ate a pear. And shockingly, I even had oatmeal for breakfast.
When I started feeling better and attempted to go back on Medifast again, I didn't want to. The smell of warm soy made me feel ill. The thought of another packet made me sad. Withdrawal from carbs... again... gave me headaches. I guess I am really done with it this time. Nothing against Medifast; it did work really well and I got amazing results the first time around. But I am tired, the merry-go-round is making me dizzy, every time I go off plan for anything (sickness, special occasion, mistake) I get headaches and nausea and then I get them again when I try to get back on plan. I have rotated through a lot of eating plans over the past 3 years and always tried to go back to Medifast because it worked so well for my the first time. But I dunno, something changed, I changed, I can't do it anymore even though part of me wants to. Another part of me is just saying, stop it. Enough. So this time I am listening to that part.
I took some time off from the blog world to ruminate over this, mull it over, see what my heart really wants to do, can do. I did not look at my blog or anyone else's blog, did not check comments, just logged myself out and let it go for awhile. I needed to really take time to reflect on what is going on with me and my diet and my weight, where I want to be, what I can tolerate.
I have kept getting sucked into all the latest, popular trends in eating: all grains are bad. Fruit is wrong. Eat tons of healthy fat. Paleo. Primal. Low carb. Wheat is the devil. Beans are poison. Dairy is harmful. And I was trying to assimilate all of this, trying to be gluten free and sugar free and soy free and dairy free and grain free and legume free and you know what? All those "freedoms" started feeling like chains. Can't do this, can't eat that, shun all the foods you have eaten for 40 years. You know, I'm just not drinking the Kool Aid. I am sure there is some merit to some of it. I know eating this way or that way "works" for some people. And that's great! I am not putting down those ways of eating or saying they are wrong. I am saying I have to find what is right for ME, not only what is healthy for my body but what I can mentally and emotionally tolerate.
There has been too much restriction and look where it has gotten me. Not to a healthy BMI, that's for sure. It's gotten me a lot of angst about my food and a time suck of worry and figuring out what is ok to eat and a lot of sadness because it would be oh-so-wrong for me to EVER have a lick of ice cream or a sliver of my kids' birthday cake again. I am just not going to do this to myself anymore. There has to be a better way, for ME. A more moderate way. A happier way. A packet-free, produce-rich, enjoyable way.
I don't have all the answers, but if I put off blogging until I know what I am doing, you'd never hear from me again. I am just going to wing it. No, I am not binge eating. Yes, I am eating bananas, corn, even beans. And I am okay with this.
In other news, last week I tripped and fell wrong and I am in an air cast boot and on crutches. So yeah, while the pedometer was reading in the 9000's per day until then, now my "steps" are virtually non-existent. Not real happy about that. Not at all.
Anyway, that's where I've been, and yes I weighed on the 1st of October and was up 2 pounds to 210, which is what I weighed on September 1st. Since adding starches back into my diet and increasing my calories (no, I am not counting, but I am quite sure I am eating more than the 900 per day I was eating before) I have gained a few more pounds. I am stable at 212 now and okay with that, as a gain is inevitable when coming off a low carb diet. I am going to get my head calm and really take time to accept that I am NOT going to restrict like that anymore... I eat an orange if I feel like it, I have a slice of toast with my eggs if I want it... and then, when I have gotten back my calmness about food, I will figure out what I am going to do to start losing weight again.
Inch By Inch
15 hours ago