It's late. I'm tired. But even earlier today I noticed that my mood has been dropping this week. I know part of it is the lessening sunlight and cooler weather, but that's not really it. I love fall. I've been waiting all year for this gorgeous weather and the wonderful days outside raking leaves, cleaning up the yard, walking in the crisp air. I look out the window at the bright blue sky, but I am sad. I'm not sad all the time, but being laid up with this injury really has dropped a bomb on my mood. I can't be out there working in the yard. The most outdoor time I got today was sitting on the deck throwing toys for my dogs. I had to stop walking my daughter to school and cut way, way back on my dog training. No more volunteering right now. Instead, I am doing a lot of what I did last year with the plantar fasciitis: sitting, waiting, hoping to heal, taking medicine, using a lot of ice and Epsom salts. But this is even worse, because of the air cast boot and the crutches.
I HATE IT!!!
There, I got that out.
Today I made some choices based on my own desires. For breakfast I woke up and thought about one of my favorite breakfasts of the past: whole wheat toast spread with peanut butter, and a pink grapefruit sprinkled with sugar. Yum. I told myself I can have it. I can have anything I want. I asked myself if I wanted it. Turns out I did want the grapefruit and I did want the peanut butter (I think they taste so good together!) but the toast I didn't care about. I do love steel cut oats... so warm and filling. So I made a bowl of oats, stirred in a spoon of Jif, and ate that with half a pink grapefruit with about 1/8 teaspoon of sugar sprinkled on top. It was SO good.
At dinner I made a similar choice. I was making a family favorite: beef stroganoff. I cook the meat, make the sauce and then add everything to egg noodles. I told myself if I wanted that, I could have it. I can have anything I want, even noodles. So I thought about it, and what I really did want was the stroganoff part. I didn't really care about the noodles. I do love zucchini and mushrooms though, so I had my meat and sauce over a dish of diced, steamed zucchini and sliced mushrooms. It was very good. What would have made it perfect was a bowl of green peas! I wanted peas so badly but only had green beans, so I made those and had a few with my dinner.
I am choosing what I want. I know that some foods are better for me than others so I choose them when I can, but if I'd wanted the toast or noodles today I'd have eaten them. But I really want peas, so I'll send one of my kids to the store for peas soon.
I am not at the point of calorie counting yet. I am just trying to get out of the restriction mindset and stop thinking of foods as forbidden. I am getting used to letting myself make choices instead of picking my foods from a list someone else made. I am aiming for good nutrition but just as important is food sanity. When I feel calm about food, and no longer worried about when I will be able to have this or that food again, then I will count calories but I will STILL eat what I want. If I want to eat 1500 calories of cake for my day's calories I will do it. I need to be the one in charge of my food. I need to be "allowed." But you know, having permission sort of takes the urgency away. I can have cake anytime, so it is easier to decide not to. It is easier to think, "eh, I will have cake some other time, on a birthday, or when there is a special cake someone made that I want to try. Eating cake now would make my joints hurt, so I think I will have some fresh peaches instead." And that's not painful.
I am thinking about trying to bike with my air cast on. It is a walking cast but the doctor said not to put weight on it for the first week (or two or three). I think I will call and ask him if biking without much resistance would be okay if it doesn't aggravate the injury. I do not like being sedentary. I am working on upper body strength because wow, you don't realize how weak you are until you have to use crutches to get anywhere! My arms hurt.
That's all for now. Hoping for fast healing.
Food on the Brain
7 hours ago