Today I quit the counseling. After four months of weekly visits, we both got to a point where there wasn't a whole lot left to discuss or "unearth." The last few visits weren't all that helpful, although it is nice to just sit and talk out some feelings and thoughts with a neutral party... but I think the main conclusion here is, there is nothing monumental I have left to work through. My weight and eating issues are not really due to any deep emotional trauma. It is a bad habit... turning to food for comfort or stress relief... and I need to continue being aware and substituting healthier things for that relief, such as talking with friends, exercise, and other forms of self-care.
Back when I was newly divorced I went to a counselor for a few months. We talked about my upbringing, my marriage, etc and he gave me some great insights about how those things have affected me. But in the end, one day he said to me, "You're not depressed. You don't need medication. You don't need counseling. You need to take control of your life and change your own circumstances." It was a profound moment for me and I took that enlightenment and ran with it. I went back to college and made other choices in life that got me out of the stagnant, depressing situation I was in as a single mom of four young children. He was right. The choice was mine.
I have come to the same place this time around. I know that over the years of our lives, new issues come up and we have to work on them. Sometime after I saw that counselor, my mother passed away. That brought on a whole new crop of emotional issues that resulted in a whole lot of massive binge eating, getting me above 280 pounds really quickly. I had to finally put down the food and recognize what was going on, and change my reactions to my feelings. I did a lot of that work internally and my blogging about those experiences in the early years of this blog. You may have noticed that I don't have nearly as many stories from my childhood, memories of my parents or upbringing, or old experiences to share lately as I did back then. I shared them to heal myself. I shared them repeatedly until my brain and emotions worked out and accepted what I needed to accept. When I came to peace with those issues, they faded to the background. A lot of it has healed now. Sure, there will always be some sadness when I reminisce about the way relationships turned out in my life or things I missed out on as a child. But the deep pain, that's gone. The wounds have healed and the scars have faded. Yes, new things will crop up. I will have to find ways to cope with them as they happen and heal from them afterwards. That's life.
The months of counseling did help me see some things in a new light and let go of some lingering resentment I was living with. And I appreciate the chance I had to talk about my whole life's journey with someone new who gave me good feedback. But it''s outlived its usefulness, although I can always call him again in the future if the need arises.
I got on the scale this morning, not my usual weigh in day but I have felt so much thinner I thought perhaps the weight was starting to drop off me at a more rapid pace, but no. Same number as Monday. I felt a little rise of annoyance that anyone can eat 900 calories a day and not be losing faster, but I've been through this before. I'll just keep going and hope for another pound gone this week by Sunday. My new bike will arrive next week and maybe that will help move things along.
Watch this space!
3 hours ago