I got more shots in my feet this morning. It was super painful, and he worked around putting the shot at different angles into each heel, from the sides. I have to stay off my feet all day. I actually came home and cried, because I feel so... well, just sad, I guess. Yesterday I could barely walk by afternoon and this morning it was difficult to even get to the doctor. The pain in the right foot was as bad as it ever has been. the whole thing just feels so depressing.
I have lots of time today to just sit here, read, and think. My summer was so busy and fun that I didn't have much down time but was busy just enjoying the nice weather, my kids, and the ability to do whatever I want pain free. Today... I am just feeling like such a loser and so hopeless about fall and winter. I worry... what if the shots don't work this time? What if I gained weight over the summer? What if I NEVER get this weight off? It's upsetting. And I have had to stop and think: it is really possible for everyone, anyone, to get to a normal BMI? Is it? I always thought it was... now I don't know.
I have never felt quite so close to just giving up as I have this morning. But then I think... giving up on what? On trying to lose weight? Well, if I do that, what WOULD I do? Go back to eating junk all the time? Start binge eating again? Have hot dogs and Cheetos for dinner? Add McDonald's back into my menu again? What does giving up even mean? I can't go back to that... I don't want to. I want to be healthy. I do like vegetables. I do still like Cheetos, unfortunately, but not on a regular basis. But yeah, today part of me thought about turning into that obese lady who is homebound, sitting in a chair eating Moon Pies and ordering pizzas and just telling everyone I "can't" do anything. I could be that... if I didn't have kids, or dogs, or responsibilities...
Anyway there is no choice for me. I have to have this day of sitting after the shots (doctor's orders) but I really do not want it to become my daily life. I want to heal. I want to be well. Actually, I think I have lost at least *some* weight. My pants finally feel a bit loose right out of the dryer, so maybe.
But right now part of me just wants to drown my sorrows in food.
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