Sometimes I just cannot believe I have been at this for six whole years. I have floated by, reassuring myself that "hey I've kept off 60+ pounds, that is great!" Yeah, it is great. Not a lot of people can do that long term. But this is not the goal. It's just not. I think part of me is just afraid that if I look hard and square at what is going on with my body, I'll feel so hopeless I'll just quit. So I try to look at the good I've done.
Tonight I had a discussion with my daughter while we were watching the first bit of Extreme Weight Loss. She did not understand how anyone could *become* so large as the woman on the show. She knows that everyone is different and some kids, even kids she knows, are bigger or smaller, shorter or taller, darker or lighter than others. But if the person was not born that way, how did it happen? It's easy for her to understand that some kids are born missing a limb while others might have lost that limb in an accident. But she did not understand how, if you are not fat as a child, do you become fat as an adult?
We talked about nutrition, about how food is energy, how when we move we burn that energy. We talked about needing energy just to live and breathe and be, and how extra energy gets stored as fat. She got it. It was fairly simple. We even talked about how when we eat some foods it makes us feel good, and some things tastes extra delicious, so sometimes people eat more than they need to... either because it is so yummy or because it makes them forget about being sad for a little while.
I still do that, sometimes. I haven't binged on Medifast foods, but sometimes I just want to eat yummy stuff or forget about the sadness and I have a little too much cheese, or convince myself that a piece of sugar free chocolate is somehow on plan. A friend of mine on Medifast, Steve, calls it "gaming the system" when you try to push the envelope on Medifast... adding extra condiments, a little extra lean protein, a bit of extra here and there... to see just how far you can push it and still lose weight. I did that, I still lost weight for awhile. But it seems like now I have to stay very strictly on plan, as written, if I want to see results. I still try to tell myself that it doesn't matter TOO much if I have regular fat cheese sometimes instead of reduced fat, or if I add some extra salad dressing to my dinner when I don't really need any fat servings. I try to convince myself that a piece of bacon or two is a condiment or that the half & half in my Americano doesn't really count for anything. But it does. It all matters. One serving of fruit is NOT 3 peaches. Adding sour cream to my food or using butter to grease the skillet when I scramble my eggs DOES count. It does, and I have had to really sit down and face this and get a little hard on myself about it. Maybe it worked for me before, but it doesn't now.
I have always been honest on my blog. When I say I was 100%, I was. But there are also times I was gaming the system and not really seeing it as such. I know that has to stop for this to succeed. I've been working at it... at being totally honest with *myself* about whether that food I am putting in my mouth is truly on plan or not.
Well, that's enough for now. Thanks, Steve.
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