I am just so frustrated. It has happened over and over. I can go weeks, months on plan, and then I slip up and somehow whatever I choose to eat that is off plan snowballs into more. I hate that all the weight I lose in a month on plan can be erased in 2 days off plan. Granted, I don't know if that happened this time, since I haven't weighed. But I got a feeling.
I am wondering if this food-as-drug thing will ever really go away. I mean, there was a point when I felt completely healed of it... over it. Food seemed to have no hold on me. I didn't crave, I could sit by a hot loaf of bread and not want it... once I was "clean" from sugar and carby stuff for a week or so. The only thing that has ever given me food sanity and freedom from the sugar fog is lower carb eating like South Beach, Medifast, and Primal. Yet I can be fine, going along great, and suddenly have a crashing relapse that leaves me emotionally leveled.
Last night I kind of flipped a switch with the food. I was emotional, I had PMS, I *had* to have chocolate. I went to the store and bought a bag of sugar free chocolate. I felt sort of driven... that old familiar losing-control sensation... but I had the presence of mind to know that sugar makes me hurt. I got a soda, too. I don't drink sodas anymore... haven't in many, many months... but I just HAD to have a Coke. Again, I had the sense to get a sugar free one (diet caffeine free Coke) but the emotion of *needing* the food to cope was really depressing. I went home, ate a lot of salted almonds with my diet Coke and ate some of the sugar free chocolates. Then, for a late dinner I fried up a low fat sausage patty with a couple of eggs, low fat cheese, and two pieces of buttered toast. Whole wheat, yes, but I have been avoiding wheat for awhile now.
This morning I felt it. Oh I felt it! My arthritis kicked in and I was in massive amounts of joint pain, especially my knees but also my hips and feet. My feet hurt badly too. I had to rub some magnesium lotion on my feet and take some Aleve to get going this morning. "Back on track," I thought. I had my protein shakes. I went about my busy day. I got a sugar free caramel Americano mid-day and then started feeling like a withdrawing addict and had a piece of pizza for lunch. And in the evening I made my first "junk run" in ages. I drove to 7-11 craving sugar, chocolate, salt, and Coke like I have not craved in months, and came away with a short can of Pringles, a caffeine free diet Coke, and a pint of chocolate ice cream. I sat it next to me in the car and thought about all the crazy junk runs of my past. I muttered a lot to myself and thought about how this was the butt of all fat-lady jokes about how they go to the drive thru and order a supersized Big Mac meal with a hot fudge sundae and a DIET Coke. I rolled my eyes at myself, went home and ate my junk, and now I am wondering... is it ever going to change? Permanently?
2 days ago