Yesterday I walked one dog a mile in the morning, and then later walked the other dog about 1.5 miles. Today, I have already walked one dog about a mile and plan to walk the other later. I hope to keep up this pace permanently, adding more distance carefully as I am able. I am babying my feet, putting them on ice afterwards and then sitting with them elevated in the recliner for awhile. So far, there is not much pain. Some, just a bit, but very tolerable. I do notice that I still walk like I am hurting though, when I am walking around the house. I get up out of bed or off a chair and sort of limp/lumber as if my feet really hurt. Habit I guess, but I am trying to catch myself doing it and relax into a more normal gait. I am so used to having to walk gently and awkwardly because of severe pain that even *without* the pain, my gait is abnormal. It may take awhile to reverse over a year of limping. I am working on it.
Last night I read something that affected my deeply. It was this post on the blog 300 Pounds Down, one I have been inspired by for some time. Please go read it.
When I got about halfway through the post, I started to choke up. I got a tight feeling in my gut and my eyes started to burn. The tears just started rolling down my face. Now, I have compassion for people who have gone through trauma. I feel very deeply for those who suffer, and I felt awful for her and what she went through. But I knew and felt immediately that that was not what my reaction was about. The tears, the tightness, the way I had to stop reading for a few minutes and clench my eyes shut and stop myself from bursting out in sobs... it was about me. It was because I related on such a deep and hidden level to what she said about the pounds burying *something.* I have never been raped, but I have had trauma. I have talked here about many of the emotional things that I felt drove me to binge eating. I have worked through much of it... writing, feeling, talking to others, expressing it and finally being able to let it go. But as I have said before on my blog, there is more. And I know it. There are two things I have not talked about here, and probably never will talk about here. One of those things, I have begun working through. The other is too painful. Too painful to even think about, much less bring back to reality by speaking it.
As I read her story, I thought about this sticking point I had been at and still struggle to get much below... 217. I thought about how very long and how many times I have been stuck at 220ish pounds and how even now it is so, so hard for me not to eat my way back there. Every day I have to fight it and it is very emotional. And I started to think about my weight and when the gains began. As that blog post said, sometimes there are emotions associated with a specific event that correlates to certain gained pounds. I know that, for me, all of the weight under 170 was gained when I lost a very wanted baby in my early 20's. I have never been able to break that barrier and lose that weight back to the 140's or 150's that I weighed before that loss. And I knew part of my gain came rapidly as a result of a very painful divorce. However, as I thought about these very specific and difficult pounds that have been so resistant to coming off and staying off.... from 200 to 220... I took that blog post and made myself think about *when* that most painful, traumatic, unhealed, unresolved event happened. And then I looked back at my weight charts and saw... yes. I first put on those pounds when that event happened... in 1998. And it has been nearly impossible to break through 200 - 220 pounds, and when I finally did a few years ago, I quickly gained it back.
I realized by reading that blog post that this one unresolved and super painful thing is what I am burying with my fat. I remembered that when I got under 200 pounds in 2010 doing Medifast, some extremely raw feelings bubbled up and I cried and cried and then spent some time trying to "fix" it. But it wasn't "fixed" and the weight came back and I buried the feelings and memories again.
For well over a decade I did exactly what that blog post talked about. I rewrote the event. It never happened. I made a different ending. I pretended. And actually, in order to deal with it, when I am not busy ignoring it or burying it, I am still pretending. For a few moments in 2010, I stopped pretending, I started to deal with it. But I was doing it alone, and it was too much, and I had to stuff it back down and pretend again. That is what my regain is really about.
I am never going to permanently lose this specific weight until I somehow bring these emotions to light and deal with them. It won't be done here on the blog, and I am really not looking forward to dealing with it at all. It is terrifying to me. But it has to be done, I am sure, in order for me to stop trying to bury that pain.
What are you burying?
2 hours ago