Saturday, May 4, 2013

Relapse

I felt it coming over the last couple of days... the dissatisfaction with my slow losses, the irritation at my body for not reflecting my efforts. After many weeks of Medifast, sticking to my plan, counting calories and carbs for 5 or 6 weeks straight without screwing up, I felt my taste buds and cravings perk back up when I ate that first off plan meal last week... a salad with grilled chicken but with the high fat, high salt toppings of crisp bacon and salty cheese. Those intense flavors awakened something in me and I wanted more. I sensed the grumblings within when I went to a couple of events and parties last week, easily turning down the junky foods and cakes and sodas, but somewhere deep inside there was some resentment brewing. I felt it, I knew it, I got on the scale and saw 208 again and yesterday my inner child had a tantrum of massive proportions, and for 24 hours I ate off plan.

It did not feel like just 24 hours off plan, though. It felt, emotionally, like a relapse. It felt like I went from food sober to drunk. After eating those foods I found myself lying on the couch feeling like a drunk in a gutter, not myself, no energy, numb. I do not like this sensation, this state of being, at all. It is not what I want for myself.

It has been a very long time since I ate like this, felt like this. I ate with no regard for my health just because I wanted to. I wanted to *not care* for a minute. I wanted way, way more food than I actually ate. But what I did eat made me miserable.

Last night's dinner was 2 pieces of sausage pizza and a scoop of ice cream.
Today I had a slice of leftover pizza for breakfast. Lunch was a cheeseburger with potato chips and sliced cheese. I had a thin slice of chocolate cake that I just could not find the flavor in; everyone else was raving about how great it was. It looked amazing. But I took and bite and it was just... gross. How can chocolate cake be gross? It tasted too sweet, and pasty. Yet I took more bites trying to find the elusive deliciousness in this cake. It never came, and I threw the rest of it away. For the rest of the evening I just felt ill; I ate a few nut clusters and some sliced cheese and then I stopped and thought, "there is nothing in this for me. I want my low carb back."

How did I feel? How DO I feel?

Major pain in my joints, especially my knees. I have not had much knee pain over the last few months, but now it is horrible. I am almost limping.
I feel like I am walking through molasses... slogging along, exhausted simply by walking up a flight of stairs.
I am impatient and want to be alone.
I find I am unable to enjoy *anything else* when I am immersed in food. For example, it was a lovely, sunny evening outside but I could not feel it. I was numb to the pleasures of living, and had no desire to do anything but lay on the couch almost falling asleep.
Overnight, my face broke out.
I did not sleep well.
My body feels 40 pounds heavier than it did yesterday.

I am not weighing tomorrow (Sunday). I know I must be up a few pounds. I am going to get myself back on track and weigh once I have a few good days under my belt again.

I know that some people who have not struggled with this kind of thing will wonder why on earth would I eat those things when I already know from past experience how it would feel. Well, I dunno. Recovery is a tricky thing. I guess the important thing, for me, is that the lapses have gotten so much smaller and less frequent and perhaps they will eventually be completely gone. I waver between thinking, "Most people do eat less nutritious foods once in awhile. If I am doing healthy eating 90% of the time (90/10 rule) I am doing okay" and "I have got to eliminate this kind of behavior completely. I have got to stay on plan 100% to succeed." Well, I will keep working toward 100%, but forgive myself when I am not perfect.

I do know that rather than falling apart for days or weeks as I have in the past, I am ready to jump right back in, right now. This time, 24 hours is more than enough. I want my lightness, my joy, my energy and clear thinking back. I prefer health. I will keep striving for it, even with my faults.

40 comments:

Margaret said...

Ironically, I read this while eating two pieces of pizza just because someone left the box on the counter... after a previously "perfect" week.

And, yet, the sun will rise tomorrow. :)

Theresa said...

Sending warm thoughts. Imperfection is not a sin. It's not illegal. It's impossible to live a perfect life. Just do your best like you always try to do. :)

Anonymous said...

I've been low carb, even ketotic off and on for many years. It's given me all the relief from pain, breathing problems , ect. I've always fallen off the wagon over and over and felt all the depression, physical symptoms and regret you feel. Most of the time I lost it and went on days or weeks of binges on wheat, cheese junk food. Finally after all these years I've done two things that have helped me avoid all this and I'm thinner and healthier than I've been since highschool. One, I dropped all dairy except grassfed butter and reserve cheese as a low carb treat. Two, I've started taking in about 30-50 carbs a day in the form of raw honey, and /or dark chocolate. These two things have given me daily treats that seem to satisfy my natural need for pleasure in eating and unlike grains, don't send me off into a weeks long spiral of self destruction. Cheese on occasion, chocolate and honey almost daily are turning out to be carbs my body isn't allergic to and can control. My thyroid is happier. My energy and sleep have increased dramatically, and most importantly , I'm in control and thin! I no longer feel like I'm "in recovery". I simply needed to find carbs I could tolerate and that served my individual system. I've come to believe food sensitivity is just as important as carb control, and the occasional 100 carb day doesn't hurt and put me on the couch bloated, obsessed , and hating myself. Cheese was hard to almost completely give up, but I've heard of too many people doing wonderful after dropping it along with yogurt and the like. Hope you can navigate your journey and find the key to your individual makeup so this intense inner battle can rest and leave you satisfied and in peace. It does happen, even for people like us!

LHA said...

Lyn, I think most, if not all, people striving to eat healthier and lose weight struggle with just this type of misstep. I know I do! You are doing the right thing in not weighing right now. Why make things worse psychologically than they already are? Also, you are so right to be kind to yourself at this time. You deserve to be treated with kindness, just like you would treat a friend who had made a mistake.

I know there are some people who claim they went on a diet, stuck to it, lost weight and have no trouble not regaining. Well, that would not describe most of us. We are going to stumble from time to time. Old food habits will sneak back in. You are right to note that you have these lapses much less often than you used to. You are also right to get right back on the plan you feel most comfortable with. All is not lost. In fact, there is wisdom and encouragement to be gained by stumbling briefly and then getting right back up and resuming your life without self-recrimination. You CAN do this. You ARE doing this. You will be victorious, but the battle may be long and full of some difficult times. You have come a long way, so dwell on your success and just rise above any imperfections!

timothy said...

damn the pizza, I ate two slices yesterday cause it was there and it wasn't good, the first piece wasn't good but I ate the second because it was a different one and "might" be better..............PIZZA IS EVIL! lolol

Diana said...

Please continute to be gentle with yourself, which so far sounds like you aren't beating yourself up too bad about it. It was only a 24-hour relapse which in my book is pretty darn good.

I think the 80/20 rule is more reasonable. I know it won't make us a healthy weight overnight, but it's a good balance. After all, we're only human. I'd love to be 100% on plan but it's too hard. We're human after all and we make mistakes.

Plus, I can't remember the last time you've had a relapse. it seems like it's been several months.

You're doing great Lyn. You are my hero. :)

donnamacd said...

Owee - I know exactly what you are saying. Did you stick your head in my mouth and pull the words for your post out of there?

This time, 24 hours is more than enough. I want my lightness, my joy, my energy and clear thinking back. I prefer health.

My reactions are the same, except my relapses are closer together than yours - You Rock!

But sometimes it's the TASTE I'm after, but I think it will never be quite the same since my body has been cleaned up. Someday I'll smarten up and NOT keep eating for the taste that's no longer there. Does that make sense?

Elaine said...

Stay on the road to recovery, Lynn. You're doing great. Remind yourself that slow losses are BETTER for your body and that most people would be just delighted to be able to say in May "I've lost 10 pounds this year!"

I know how annoying it is for someone to say "Look on the bright side" when you're frustrated. But your bright side seems to have been getting brighter and brighter this year.

Jami Stakley said...

Lyn I do understand. Eating like that is not about food. I understand how bad it feels and the emptiness that you feel after. I have struggled with this myself for many many years. You have come so far. Put yesterday behind you for now. The most difficult part is finding out what is driving that need to eat is. You may already know. I have found for me it is not always easier to address those feelings. Feel better and know that you are not alone.

Anonymous said...

Wow what was it with pizza yesterday
We had my granddaughters 3rd birthday here yesterday
Desserts only party so I got a Costco pizza for my husband and daughter who were preparing for the party
It smelled do good in my car!!!!
I have been on medifast for 17 months starting to transition off but no pizza for me. But my car still smells of it. I did pick a few sausages off the top

Signed h2oratt

i should be full said...

In 12 step we always said that we're either in recovery or in relapse, there is no in between. It helps me to think of that way because then, I always know where I am! Ha!

Relapses can give you the chance to reflect and deepen your understanding of your journey. That's not to say one should rationalize them and plan them, but if they happen, how you handle them afterwards can be beneficial.

From what I know of you from reading this blog I have no doubt this with strengthen you.

Leslie said...

Hi Lyn - As others have said, it's over - let it go. I have been in the same place more times than I can say. Last night, we went out for Chinese food, and I ended up eating a bunch of fried wonton dipped in whatever the sweet stuff was on the table. Once home, I had ice cream. I realized again that once I start, I'm probably going to continue to have a few things I haven't been eating, but I'm looking at these incidents as choices. Since I started addressing my type 2 in early March, I've probably had an evening of indulgence once a week. Like you, the indulgences are minor compared to what I used to do. So far I've been able to jump right back into my plane, and my loss and blood sugar status haven't been compromised.

One thing I'm lucky about is that I am able to get a lot of exercise - mainly walking. Also, I think I'm blessed with a fast metabolism by some miracle. But despite my current success, I know I'm always going to have the tendency to lapse into bad eating habits. Checking my blood sugar now has really helped me, for some reason. It's a much more reliable indicator of how I'm doing than jumping on the scale.

Anyhow - don't know why I splat all that out just now, but just want to send support and hugs. And encouragement to not over think it. You're on a roll, and one 24 hour period doesn't change that at all. Unless you let it, and I know you won't.

Lyn said...

I want to thank you all very much for the kind, supportive words. I am too much 'in my head' and focused on getting and staying back on plan to write much more, but know I read, re-read and think about each comment.

I am in a really serious, introspective mood today. Thinking a lot about the comments and links on my last post, paying close attention to what my body is telling me, just... thinking.

I would really love to be out walking a few miles in the sunshine. I miss my walks more than anything. They were not just good for metabolism but for mental peace as well.

Anonymous said...

Your post reminded me of something I've been thinking about for a while... What is it about the first bite of a forbidden food that makes so many of us say, "Well, I'm eating X now, might as well go for Y and Z too while I'm at it." It seems like at some point we learned this chain of habitual responses, X --> Y --> Z, and once we start the chain we feel like we have to continue to completion. Are there ways to change our responses to X, so that Y and Z don't automatically follow? How do the chains develop in the first place? We certainly weren't born with them... we learned them at some point in our lives.

Anyway, sorry for the rambling... I know you'll come out of this one just fine and be back to feeling good in no time. I wish you the best!

Kristine said...

I can see a consistent error on your part. You are starving your body. 1000 calories a day is not nearly enough. I have been checking in on your blog for years now and am saddened by how you still have not opened your eyes to see what you are doing to yourself. Medifast is crap. It is not helping you at all, it is only digging a deeper hole. was in your boat for a long time. Only focusing on the scale and allowed it to control my every emotion. I threw away my scale 9 months ago and have not looked back. It was like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. I decided to focus on improving my health and not weight loss. My health was shot after all the endless low calorie restrictive diets I have done in the past. I focus on eating healthy homemade from scratch food (absolutely no restriction at all), tons of water some whole food supplements and exercise. I still have a long way to go but I have made leaps and bounds taking this approach. Please visit www.gokaleo.com, she is my inspiration. Good Luck to you.

Cari Wagner said...

Persistence not perfection.....I think if you ate more calories and did not deprive yourself so much this journey would be more enjoyable. I don't know how you can eat so little every day and the thought of maintaining on that little food forever seems like torture. I know you said you gain when you eat more but it is only temporary and then your body will readjust. Don't be so hard on yourself.

Anonymous said...

cheat days are not a bad thing.....shocks the system

Anonymous said...

Currently low-carbing to get rid of 50 pounds of 2nd baby weight. I was doing beautifully until I thought I had "earned" an off-plan meal following a 10-pound loss. I regret it deeply: 9 days later I'm STILL working off the 3 (what I thought would be temporary water weight) pounds I gained from pizza and chocolate chip cookies in ONE meal. It appears right now my body and my metabolism can't handle an off-plan meal, so that will most definitely motivate me to stay on track in the months ahead.

Sunnydaze said...

I've been there many, many times. I've recely gone grain and sugar free and I feel better than I have in years. I wrote a post about it today.

http://www.3fatchicks.com/diet-blogs/sunnydayz/

Lyn said...

Re: restrictive eating~

I have done the "eat more, eat whole foods" approach for months at a time. That is part of what has had me stuck around 217 pounds for over a year now. Even when I was going to the gym 3 times a week last fall and winter, I didn't make any progress with weight loss.

I know the scale is not the sole indicator of health. I worry about whether or not I am doing what is best for my body, too. But I have to trust the process *because* I feel so much better eating low carb and because both of the doctors I saw recently said this is a good program for me. They believe, as do I, that once my feet heal and I can have a more active lifestyle again, the weight will come off. I do bike, but I am talking about the lifestyle I had before of being on my feet most of the day, actively working in the yard, skating with my daughter, walking a few miles, just being up and about.

Both doctors and my orthopedic surgeon have said I *must* take the weight off in order to be healthy; my joints and tendons need relief, and my blood pressure has gone up with my weight as well. I can't just quit Medifast and go back to Primal or another whole foods plan because I simply don't lose weight on it. I maintain. My body is being *very* stubborn but if I stay consistent I feel better and the weight does come off, even if very slowly.

I am frustrated, but I have to do what my health team and I feel is best at this point, and that is Medifast.

Anonymous said...

Hi Lyn,

I have been reading your blog for three years now, and have never commented, but have always been an admirer of your rigorous intelligence, consistent honesty, and (almost superhuman!) commitment to the weight loss journey.

Like you, I have wondered again and again how it can be freaking possible that you are eating this insanely low amount of calories, for weeks and months on end, and losing weight at a snail's pace. It is especially disturbing to me when commenters have written things like "Are you really counting your calories correctly? Didn't you go off plan last week and eat a condiment that is a no-no on Medifast? Aren't you really to blame for changing plans so much?" I don't want to offend those who have said such things, but honestly, people with their diets get so evangelical, don't they? Always sure that they know best, that their way is best, and that if their way isn't working for you you must be doing something wrong. Well, anyone who has read your blog long-term knows that it is very unlikely that anyone knows more about weight loss than you, and honestly, I think that your discipline and commitment are awe-inspiring.

With all that said, I have sometimes wondered if the radical calorie restriction is worth it for you. Honestly, I think you look great at this weight. And because you are obviously an amazing person, I wish for you a life that isn't all Medifast, all the time.

I am not going to offer my own answers and say that you should try them. In the interests of full disclosure only, I will say that I currently weigh in the mid-180s, down from a high six years ago of 208 (I am now in my forties, but my weight in my twenties was always in the 130s-140s). Like you, I gained a chunk of weight in my mid-thirties because of a big coincidence of stressors (childbirth, diagnosis of my child's major disability, a huge professional upheaval which required relocating to another state). Since that big gain, I too have tried lots of different things. I have to say that throughout my adult life, I keep coming back to intuitive eating. It makes the most sense to me as a way of eating that is integrated into, rather than mapped on top of, the way I live my life. There is some great new stuff on the topic coming from writers like Brooke Castillo and Michelle May.

Of course, I know you know about intuitive eating (you mention Geneen Roth at the very beginning of your blog) and I know that it takes some serious hubris for anyone to give you weight loss advice, given how much you know. So I won't do it! I guess I was hoping, not to prescribe a new path for you, but just to join the conversation. I want to say: you are inspiring, you have amazing dedication, and I can't help but think that it just shouldn't be so freaking hard, a lifetime of having to be "perfect." I know you have it in you to do it--but I don't know if you really want to. I just want to say--if that's the case, it makes so much sense to me. Whatever you decide, I can't wait to see where your journey takes you next.

Ultimately I trust that you will make good decisions that are right for YOU--because you always do. You are amazing! Keep speaking your truth! You sure have taught the rest of us a lot along the way.

Lyn said...

Anonymous~

thank you, what an interesting comment... and thank you for the compliments. I don't feel like I know all that much about weight loss, but I do know a lot about what I've tried, how I feel on various plans, and what *doesn't* work for me. If I have learned one thing over the course of this blog, it's that different plans work best for different people. There is no one "right way." And I guess the other thing I learned is that a regain can happen to anyone. I said I would NEVER let the weight back on, but it happened. I am much more on guard against regain now, and always will be.

If I thought I would have to eat 1000 calories a day forever, I'd be seriously depressed. I think that may be what it takes for me to *lose* at this point, but I also believe that eventually, with plenty of activity, I should be able to maintain a healthy weight at a reasonable calorie level... maybe 1500-1600, I don't know. I may be able to eat more than that eventually as long as it is good clean whole food and I stay active and strong. But for now, I just have to do what I can for today... and that's stay on plan, stay off the salt/extra fat, and be as active as I can while letting my feet heal.

Kimmy said...

I have been reading your blog for a while, and I can't help but be baffled by your stagnate weight loss. I can't imagine eating that few calories at such a high weight, while not losing. I imagine it must be very draining for you. That being said, I don't think you are in the proper mind frame in regards to your eating. It is very evident by this post that you have a very unhealthy relationship with food and fall into the common diet trap that pervades today's culture around food. Although food is primarily a source of food, that does not mean that it is not also meant to be enjoyed. It is not meant to be separated into "good" and "bad" categories as you seem to do. It is with this mindset that causes binges like this to occur. Once you taint a "good" day of eating with "bad" food, it becomes easy to just scrap the day and say you'll start over tomorrow. One slice of cake isn't going to make you fat, it is the inability to maintain a moderation based lifestyle that is. I just want to close with a quote by Micheal Pollan: "Asked what comes to mind upon hearing the phrase “chocolate cake,” Americans were more apt to say “guilt,” while the French said “celebration”; “heavy cream” elicited “unhealthy” from Americans, “whipped” from the French."

Anonymous said...

Lyn, 56 female from cali, here, being in a constant beach climate, we have to stay in shape all year round, i can speak from experience that life will GET BETTER, who cares what the naysayers have to think? this is my body and im proud of it, and you greatly have influenced me and i want to let you know, you are OK, so you had a mistep? oops i made a mistake, time to move on, lyn i believe in you, you can do ANYTHING you set your mind to, im giving you a round of applause, because a one day lapse is sure better than what i've been know to have, keep your head up, and be more flexible for your eating, the weight loss might slow down for a little bit but will last much longer, and be something you can stick with, i wish you the best of luck, i believe in you :)

Lyn said...

Kimmy~

I think rather than "good" and "bad"... as moral labels... I see foods right now as "on plan" or "off plan." Heck, I think carrots and sweet potatoes are very nutritious, but they are "off plan" for me at the moment because I am following a rather strict plan. That will change once I switch to a maintenance plan, where all vegetables and moderate fruits are encouraged.

As for cake, my association is "pain." I know if I eat it, my joints will hurt for days. I used to think it would be awful to have a life without cake, but as time goes on, lots of those bad (unhealthy) for ME foods have lost their appeal, simply because of how I feel after I eat them. My taste buds have changed too. I am not really sure what that will look like in maintenance, but I assume I will find some sweet foods that taste great and don't cause me physical issues.

I try to look at eating as "one meal at a time" so that if I eat something off plan for dinner I do not do what you mentioned and just keep eating off plan. But what does make it very hard is once I eat a bowl of chips or a slice of pizza, my taste buds and cravings are triggered and I just want more, more, more. Very hard to put the brakes on and turn it around.

Thanks for the thoughts!

Anonymous~

thank you :)

Susan said...

Did you know it takes 500 calories g or just your brain to function...gokaleo.com. just check it out. I am finding I eat far to little calories and am working at bringing them up. Good bye guilt. Reclaming my health. It really makes so much sense. TAKING UP SPACE...down load it and read it

Susan said...

Good thought!

LHA said...

This is such an interesting bunch of comments. I can see validity in every point of view expressed and I know that the authors of the comments are giving us the benefit of their own experience, which is invaluable.

On the issue of "on" or "off" plan, or "good" or "bad" foods, I did come up with a system that works for me. (Most of the time, anyway!) Even though I follow a fairly strict low carb and controlled calorie diet, there is no food off limits. That only means that if I am at a party or if I have had a long craving for something like cake or pizza I have it...I eat it...I enjoy it...and then return to my regular way of eating. The situation you described of being frustrated over a weight loss slow down, being around people at a party eating foods that I had to pass up, and then eating off plan is one I repeated many, many times. For me, total deprivation leads to overeating and weight gain. That's why it is important to me to always have the option of eating something different and not considering myself "off plan" or "bad".

I certainly trust you to know what works for you. If it is medifast, then great. If/when you do have some off days along the way just know that is normal for all of us. I know you will be successful and this lapse is not a deal breaker by any means.

Rachel said...

"Those of us who are utterly focused on food and weight never consider that we are ignoring the most obvious solution. We tell ourselves that the answer is out there and our job is to keep looking to never give up until we find the right solution. One month it's about white foods. Then it's about brain chemistry. Finding the right drug. The fat gene. Being addicted to sugar. Eating for our blood type. Alkaline- and acid-forming foods. Although attending to one or some of these issues might indeed ease our struggle, we use the hunt for answers to abdicate personal responsibility- and with it, any semblance of power- for our relationship with food. Underlying each frenzied bout of passionate involvement in the newest solution is the same lack of interest in looking down at our own feet. The same conviction that 'I don't have the power to do anything about this problem.' We want to be done, we want to be fixed. But since the answer is not where we are looking, our efforts are doomed to fail." - from Women Food and God

Lyn said...

Rachel~

I think that may be accurate for many "dieters," but it doesn't accurately describe my journey. There is no frenzy, no abdication of personal responsibility, no powerlessness here. Like any human, I mess up. I get frustrated. But I am making progress not only with my weight but also with healthy changes to my lifestyle. I have learned from every step of this journey, not tossing each new lesson aside, but accumulating them into a life that is now free of sodas, free of fast food, full of daily vegetables, lean proteins and healthy fats. The progress I have made is priceless, and even on days when I do feel annoyed with the slow losses, I realize that my life is ten times better than it was six, eight, ten, fifteen years ago. My efforts are succeeding more than I ever dreamed they could, and I will keep learning and making changes and working towards optimum health even when it's hard. It is worth it.

CatherineMarie said...

Lyn, I did not see failure when I read this post. I saw moderation. You had two slices of pizza. Well, that is what a "normal" serving of pizza generally is. You threw away the chocolate cake when you could not find the pleasure in it...

You know that I am one of those people that worries that Medifast is too restrictive for you. And even doctors don't get weight loss/nutrition counseling. (Heck, even some nutritionists do not).

I could kind of see this coming for the past couple of weeks, having been a regular reader of the blog. You start getting bored with Medifast (understandably), start playing with the packets to create 'healthier' versions of food, and then "binge".

I am not saying that you don't have willpower, you have incredible willpower. But maybe you need to tweak the Medifast idea a little. Could you keep the calorie intake the same, but maybe do two Lean and Green meals? Farmers market season is coming up... it will be the season for fresh, healthy eating, for sitting outside with a good book and a glass of iced tea... Even if you just change your environment that much, it might help.

Maybe you need a "cheat day" once a month, every two weeks. Just to stop yourself from getting bored. That would be 12 or 24 cheat days a year. That isn't very much. And might help bump your metabolism up.

Cris said...

Lyn,

I offer no advice on your plan- although I think the calories are seriously low- you know what you can do and what you can't. I just want to offer you some support.

I hope that you see losses soon- if thats what you need to heal. I can't imagine being in almost constant pain.

Much love, Cris

Heather said...

lyn,

it makes me sad to hear you say you are going to stick with your low calorie meal plan. i understand though, as i know it is scary to try something different. of course doctors will tell you to stick with it, they are not up on the latest research...although, if an underweight person were to tell them she was consuming the same amount of calories as you, she would be called anorexic.

i can only hope that one day you will realize that there is a better way, and that low calorie is not going to get you there.

i wish you nothing but the best.

Theresa said...

I had another thought Lyn!
You "felt it coming on"
Now you can discover how to overcome it! You're really moving forward!

Lyn said...

Thank you all for the support. I appreciate being able to come here for feedback and all the thought-provoking comments.

Heather~

I really do wish I had lost weight... even slowly... when I went off Medifast and switched to Primal. I *want* to eat more (whole foods) but I seem to get stuck at 217-220 pounds when I eat 1400ish calories. When I eat more, I gain. I wish I understood it, I feel like I gave it several months' try.

Heather said...

lyn,

it is because that isn't enough food! 14-1500 calories is way less then your body needs. you need at least 2500 calories if not more. you are going to gain weight when eating 1500 because your body is going to hang on to it.

if you continue the way you are, you are never going to be able to eat more, just less and less without gaining weight. and eventually, in an effort to survive, your "binges" are going to become more and more frequent, and your weight will go back up.

i could write it over and over, but i know it is hard to believe. it isn't unless you see it for yourself that you will believe it. but i know it is hard to change your mindset when for so long we have been told the exact opposite. it just makes me sad to see you where you are, and reminds me of my days stuck in anorexia, in pain, hardly eating, binging some days when my body couldn't take the starvation anymore. no way to live, and a vicious cycle. the only way to get better is to eat.

i still wish you nothing but the best though.

Lyn said...

Thank you Heather, it does sound good in theory and I have read about how it works for many people. Of course I like the idea of eating 2500 calories! Sounds great to me! But the day-to-day reality of the regain that would cause (at least short term) is just not something I can stand to go through again. Weighing 240-245 is hellish for me. The pain and inactivity is far worse. I can't help but be afraid that I would get stuck there if I were eating that much. Do you see what I'm saying? Really you and others may be right about needing more calories but to me, going back to 240 is like a death sentence. The health issues and mental anguish would cause me a lot more suffering than eating this way does, and would also take me away from my kids more... at least that is my thought process at the moment. Even prior to ever starting Medifast, I was gaining weight if I ate 1800/day, even while I was biking daily and lifting weights 3x/week and walking a lot. I just don't know...

Amy said...

This may be off topic, but from one cheese lover to another, have you tried Nutritional yeast? I just discovered this stuff, it is really high in B vitamins (I use the Bragg brand) and is salt free, sugar free, gluten free and vegetarian. Understand this is a Wisconsin girl saying this, IT TASTES LIKE CHEESE!! You can sprinkle it on salads or anything else. Last weekend I found an awesome recipe for kale chips and it was so good it disappeared the minute it came out of the oven!
PS- in my humble opinion, no experience is negative if something was learned. I'm looking to you for inspiration, as I am recovering from a knee injury/surgery that has led to a huge regain for me. I'm so proud of your determination to turn it around so quickly. You rock!

Lyn said...

Amy~

I have not tried nutritional yeast! I will give it a try. I always think I should cut the cheese out, but like you I really love the stuff. Thanks :)

Heather said...

lyn,

i do understand your fear, and that is why i support whatever you do. i know that it is hard, and that you don't want to go back to a certain weight. i do think a lot of your problems came from yo-yo dieting and once you get a good amount of calories in you that you will see a lot of them go away, no matter what weight you are. the body strives to remain a set point, and it is there that we feel the best physically, but there are some things that can interfere with it, and make it hard to maintain...stress being big.

but the fear of gaining weight is very difficult to overcome. granted, i know it as a recovering anorexic, but it is the same in many ways. you won't binge your way to a gazillion pounds, eventually, your body will stop gaining, you will no longer crave sugary/carby foods, and you will be able to live without worrying about food. but weight gain may be a part of it, and that is not something that anyone finds easy in our society.

i just worry for how long you will be able to keep up such low calorie amounts before something bad does happen.

i do hope you will read the websites that were left on your last post. look into matt stone's diet recovery 2, and read gwyneth olwyn's (youreatopia.com) fat series. they are highly enlightening, and even if you decide to continue on the path you are on, i hope they are able to open your eyes to all of the misinformation that is out there.

best wishes.

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