I felt it coming over the last couple of days... the dissatisfaction with my slow losses, the irritation at my body for not reflecting my efforts. After many weeks of Medifast, sticking to my plan, counting calories and carbs for 5 or 6 weeks straight without screwing up, I felt my taste buds and cravings perk back up when I ate that first off plan meal last week... a salad with grilled chicken but with the high fat, high salt toppings of crisp bacon and salty cheese. Those intense flavors awakened something in me and I wanted more. I sensed the grumblings within when I went to a couple of events and parties last week, easily turning down the junky foods and cakes and sodas, but somewhere deep inside there was some resentment brewing. I felt it, I knew it, I got on the scale and saw 208 again and yesterday my inner child had a tantrum of massive proportions, and for 24 hours I ate off plan.
It did not feel like just 24 hours off plan, though. It felt, emotionally, like a relapse. It felt like I went from food sober to drunk. After eating those foods I found myself lying on the couch feeling like a drunk in a gutter, not myself, no energy, numb. I do not like this sensation, this state of being, at all. It is not what I want for myself.
It has been a very long time since I ate like this, felt like this. I ate with no regard for my health just because I wanted to. I wanted to *not care* for a minute. I wanted way, way more food than I actually ate. But what I did eat made me miserable.
Last night's dinner was 2 pieces of sausage pizza and a scoop of ice cream.
Today I had a slice of leftover pizza for breakfast. Lunch was a cheeseburger with potato chips and sliced cheese. I had a thin slice of chocolate cake that I just could not find the flavor in; everyone else was raving about how great it was. It looked amazing. But I took and bite and it was just... gross. How can chocolate cake be gross? It tasted too sweet, and pasty. Yet I took more bites trying to find the elusive deliciousness in this cake. It never came, and I threw the rest of it away. For the rest of the evening I just felt ill; I ate a few nut clusters and some sliced cheese and then I stopped and thought, "there is nothing in this for me. I want my low carb back."
How did I feel? How DO I feel?
Major pain in my joints, especially my knees. I have not had much knee pain over the last few months, but now it is horrible. I am almost limping.
I feel like I am walking through molasses... slogging along, exhausted simply by walking up a flight of stairs.
I am impatient and want to be alone.
I find I am unable to enjoy *anything else* when I am immersed in food. For example, it was a lovely, sunny evening outside but I could not feel it. I was numb to the pleasures of living, and had no desire to do anything but lay on the couch almost falling asleep.
Overnight, my face broke out.
I did not sleep well.
My body feels 40 pounds heavier than it did yesterday.
I am not weighing tomorrow (Sunday). I know I must be up a few pounds. I am going to get myself back on track and weigh once I have a few good days under my belt again.
I know that some people who have not struggled with this kind of thing will wonder why on earth would I eat those things when I already know from past experience how it would feel. Well, I dunno. Recovery is a tricky thing. I guess the important thing, for me, is that the lapses have gotten so much smaller and less frequent and perhaps they will eventually be completely gone. I waver between thinking, "Most people do eat less nutritious foods once in awhile. If I am doing healthy eating 90% of the time (90/10 rule) I am doing okay" and "I have got to eliminate this kind of behavior completely. I have got to stay on plan 100% to succeed." Well, I will keep working toward 100%, but forgive myself when I am not perfect.
I do know that rather than falling apart for days or weeks as I have in the past, I am ready to jump right back in, right now. This time, 24 hours is more than enough. I want my lightness, my joy, my energy and clear thinking back. I prefer health. I will keep striving for it, even with my faults.
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