I admit I am finding it harder to blog than I used to. In days past, I'd have thoughts in my head I wanted to explore or experiences I wanted to share and I'd just sit down and it would flow. Now, I feel sort of stuck in my head about some things, and I have feelings I find very hard to put into words. In fact, I feel like I am having some kind of... I dunno... mid life crisis? No, not crisis... maybe a mid-life rethinking of how I have spent my years, and how I want to spend the future. A lot of rethinking, reframing, reflecting.
I went downstairs to my office tonight and just sat in the chair for about fifteen minutes, looking around the room and asking myself,
what do you want?
no, what do you *really* want?
what would you do if...?
what is holding you back?
what are you willing to do?
It is not all about weight, or even physical health. It's about life and the jarring realization that we *really* cannot count on tomorrows, and the stark truth that I have wasted a lot of potential waiting, wanting, but not doing. Planning, sitting on the edge of everything, but not dropping off the edge. In *lots* of things.
There is a plastic tub of framed photographs in my office. It has no lid; it catches my eye whenever I go in there. The pictures are tossed in there with a chunk of driftwood my kids found on the beach when they were little. There are pictures of my ex-in-laws, my babies, my first wedding. There are paintings of Jesus and portraits of a family that no longer is. I look at that tub and it is a symbol of all the putting-off and waiting that I have done in my life. Sixteen years gathering dust, because I needed to clean the frames... because I was going to paint that wall before I hung pictures... because I didn't know quite where I wanted to hang them or how to make the arrangement look nice or which hooks and anchors to use. Sixteen years ago those pictures were valid in my life. Now, most of them are not. Now, it is too late. Now, the time for hanging them has passed and if I want to hang pictures, I'll need to find some new ones. It would just be too weird, I think, and sad for me, perhaps, to hang the ex-in-laws and the portrait of the family that no longer is and the Jesus from the church I am not in anymore. I have a different family now, a different Jesus, too, whether you can understand that or not. I had a different wedding, yet never hung those pictures either.
That's how it is, from where I stand: I wait too long, for just the right circumstances and just the right time and just the right emotion and motivation, and it never comes, it is never quite right, and then I turn around and it's a decade later and my intentions are no longer relevant. Like the pictures. Does that make sense?
I have spent the last week making peace with myself. It's a process. I never realized how much I need to acknowledge this stuff and forgive myself. But I do.
I am looking at everything in my life with fresh eyes: the people, the things, the intentions, the actions. All of it. I am evaluating in a new way what belongs and what doesn't. Some things I have been hanging onto due to fear or insecurity are going to get tossed. Some beliefs, some thoughts and actions are getting tossed, too.
I am going to hang some new pictures in my life. It is time for that to happen.