My energy is better today, but I have an upset stomach now. I kind of think it is the MTHFR supplements. I take them first thing in the morning on an empty stomach and then just have black coffee until I get back from taking my daughter to school. That's when I have breakfast. It didn't seem to be an issue until I added the BH4; now, I just feel icky. I've had 2 Medifast meals this morning... both liquids, trying to get the meals in even though I feel a little nauseous. I guess I will have to change up when I take my supplements, and hope that's it and I am not coming down with something.
I have lots to do and all the energy to do it but the stomach thing is slowing me down just a bit this morning. I do plan to bike anyway, after I get a load of papers sorted and filed. I tend to put off paperwork until the last minute... always have. Well, when I was working in an office, I was excellent and prompt about *other people's* paperwork, but my own tends to just get piled up. Procrastination... bad habit. One that kept me morbidly obese for many years. Not due to paperwork, but because I was always putting off "starting" a diet, "starting" to exercise, and making the changes I *knew* I had to change to be healthy and get out of that condition I was in. Trapped. I was so trapped. And sometimes I think, if only I had started sooner. If only I had not let it get so bad that I could hardly walk. If only I had taken charge years ago. I think of the lost years, the time I could have spent being active and enjoying life. When I start to regret my choices, I start to remember how it was. And I think that while I did have choices... we always have choices... I did not know how to make different choices. I simply did not know how to escape in the condition I was in. Not only was my body trapped, my mind was too. I thought there was no escape. There was, but I could not see it.
I could only see the tiny paycheck, not enough to buy food or pay the electric bill or buy clothes for my children.
I could only see the boxes of cakes and donuts we were given at the food bank and that is all we had to eat some days.
I could only see the x-rays where the doctor said my knees were shot, I could not be active and I needed knee replacements.
I could only see the four walls closing in on me as I stayed in the house for a solid year being a nurse to my very sick infant. I could only see the very short cords connecting her to her equipment, and the world outside the windows started to seem more like an imaginary, television-show world that was just to look at.
I could not see any way out. It was difficult. And at the time, for me, there *was* no escape.
I made an escape, though. I got out. I am free and not trapped anymore.
But sometimes I think I have one leg still in that world, because my mind will tell me I *cannot.* And I have to shake myself awake and see where I am now, and tell myself
YES YOU CAN.
I cannot physically do everything I want to do, but I can do plenty. I can now choose my foods, almost without limitations. I can now go out into that world outside my window, and it is as real and available to me as the world within my home. I can now exercise, even with the foot problems.
The foot problems, they've been a year of challenge. But you know, I was in just as much, if not more, pain when I started this journey. I was always hurting at 278 pounds. I could barely walk a flight of stairs. I could not walk a full block without being extremely winded. It HURT when I started to walk, five minutes a day at first. It was exhausting and difficult and I hated it and I didn't know if it would ever get better. If I can haul my 278 pound body down a flight of stairs, down the block, and back with the kind of knee pain I was feeling back then, I can also exercise with this foot pain. I wasn't sure back then if the walking was going to make the knees deteriorate faster or get worse, but I did it anyway. I don't know if pushing it with the daily biking and occasional walking will make the foot pain worse or not. But I do know that a year of "rest" has not made them heal. I am done "resting." I am already at the point of shots or surgery, so I am no longer worried about making it worse. I don't think it can get much worse.
So, I still have some escaping to do. Have to get out... and stay out... of my head. Have to get out of the pain. I am working it every day. That is all I can do, is stay on track and keep going.
Friday Update and Reality Check
1 day ago