Monday, March 11, 2013

On Not Being Trapped

My energy is better today, but I have an upset stomach now. I kind of think it is the MTHFR supplements. I take them first thing in the morning on an empty stomach and then just have black coffee until I get back from taking my daughter to school. That's when I have breakfast. It didn't seem to be an issue until I added the BH4; now, I just feel icky. I've had 2 Medifast meals this morning... both liquids, trying to get the meals in even though I feel a little nauseous. I guess I will have to change up when I take my supplements, and hope that's it and I am not coming down with something.

I have lots to do and all the energy to do it but the stomach thing is slowing me down just a bit this morning. I do plan to bike anyway, after I get a load of papers sorted and filed. I tend to put off paperwork until the last minute... always have. Well, when I was working in an office, I was excellent and prompt about *other people's* paperwork, but my own tends to just get piled up. Procrastination... bad habit. One that kept me morbidly obese for many years. Not due to paperwork, but because I was always putting off "starting" a diet, "starting" to exercise, and making the changes I *knew* I had to change to be healthy and get out of that condition I was in. Trapped. I was so trapped. And sometimes I think, if only I had started sooner. If only I had not let it get so bad that I could hardly walk. If only I had taken charge years ago. I think of the lost years, the time I could have spent being active and enjoying life. When I start to regret my choices, I start to remember how it was. And I think that while I did have choices... we always have choices... I did not know how to make different choices. I simply did not know how to escape in the condition I was in. Not only was my body trapped, my mind was too. I thought there was no escape. There was, but I could not see it.

I could only see the tiny paycheck, not enough to buy food or pay the electric bill or buy clothes for my children.
I could only see the boxes of cakes and donuts we were given at the food bank and that is all we had to eat some days.
I could only see the x-rays where the doctor said my knees were shot, I could not be active and I needed knee replacements.
I could only see the four walls closing in on me as I stayed in the house for a solid year being a nurse to my very sick infant. I could only see the very short cords connecting her to her equipment, and the world outside the windows started to seem more like an imaginary, television-show world that was just to look at.

I could not see any way out. It was difficult. And at the time, for me, there *was* no escape.

I made an escape, though. I got out. I am free and not trapped anymore.

But sometimes I think I have one leg still in that world, because my mind will tell me I *cannot.* And I have to shake myself awake and see where I am now, and tell myself

YES YOU CAN.

I cannot physically do everything I want to do, but I can do plenty. I can now choose my foods, almost without limitations. I can now go out into that world outside my window, and it is as real and available to me as the world within my home. I can now exercise, even with the foot problems.

The foot problems, they've been a year of challenge. But you know, I was in just as much, if not more, pain when I started this journey. I was always hurting at 278 pounds. I could barely walk a flight of stairs. I could not walk a full block without being extremely winded. It HURT when I started to walk, five minutes a day at first. It was exhausting and difficult and I hated it and I didn't know if it would ever get better. If I can haul my 278 pound body down a flight of stairs, down the block, and back with the kind of knee pain I was feeling back then, I can also exercise with this foot pain. I wasn't sure back then if the walking was going to make the knees deteriorate faster or get worse, but I did it anyway. I don't know if pushing it with the daily biking and occasional walking will make the foot pain worse or not. But I do know that a year of "rest" has not made them heal. I am done "resting." I am already at the point of shots or surgery, so I am no longer worried about making it worse. I don't think it can get much worse.

So, I still have some escaping to do. Have to get out... and stay out... of my head. Have to get out of the pain. I am working it every day. That is all I can do, is stay on track and keep going.

4 comments:

Traveling Light said...

Loved this post!

It reminded me of something I used to tell my clients when they would fret over why they didn't tell someone about the childhood abuse they endured sooner than they did, if they did.

I saw a documentary on the Nat'l Geographic channel back in the early 90s about how elephants are captured and trained--and how they can be led around or tethered by a rope or very thin chain when it was clear that the elephant had the power to break either of those bonds easily.

The secret is all in what the elephant knew. They were caught when they were calves, taken from their moms and tied with a rope to a stake.

They tried desperately to break free. Over and over again. Almost continually. They rubbed their little legs raw. Eventually, they KNEW that they couldn't break the rope. And they were right, they couldn't break their bonds; they were trapped.

But as they grew, they became stronger. Strong enough to break a rope or thin chain. But they KNEW that they couldn't. They had learned their lesson well. There was no reason to try again, they'd just wound themselves.

A large elephant could be led around by a rope and tied to a stake--and never break free of something that had no power over him--because of what he "knew" was true.

UNTIL. Until a gun shot or a bolt of lightning or some other event frightened him and he just reacted, instinctively bolted to escape the danger.

And the rope snapped.

And nothing was able to keep him bound against his will again. Often the elephants lingered around the compound willingly our of affection that had grown for their captors--but never again as bound animals who had no other choice.

You broke the rope, Lyn.

Jami Stakley said...

I think you have a great deal of insight. I think there is a part of you that still feels trapped. I know you can do it. You know you can do it, but I'm not sure you feel it. I see a Dr. for various reasons and she often tells me that I logically know that I am competent but in many ways I believe that I am not good enough. I don't know if that makes any sense. I really enjoy reading your blogs. You can do this, I have no doubt.

MargieAnne said...

Great post and Deb's comment matches perfectly.

I was thinking about nausea and it's often a trial and error thing on the best supplements/meds and when to take them. One thing that absolutely stops me in my tracks is nausea. I have to lie down or sit quietly. If it's not too bad I can stay on my feet 5 minutes at a time.

The last few weeks, just when I wanted to be top of my game preparing for out trip have been plagued by nausea.

Hope you can work out thr perfect time for everything

Deniz said...

Hi Lyn
There's an old saying rattling about somewhere in the depths of my mind about that which doesn't kill you making you stronger. I think what you've talked about today shows the strength you've gained from finding (battling?) your way onwards from the bad old years.
You are a strong, thoughtful and courageous lady - and a true inspiration.