I'm feeling really happy today, probably in part due to the nice spring weather and sunshine. I got outside and trained my dog for more than an hour, which was fun but hard on my feet. Now I am sitting with them up, hoping they don't hurt too badly when I get up to walk around.
Yesterday I went out to get the Easter shopping done. In years past, Easter has been a very emotionally charged holiday for me. I wrote about that a lot on my blog in the early years... about how when I was a small child I was suddenly not allowed to celebrate Easter anymore. All the writing, thinking, and processing of those emotions over the past five years helped me *so* much. I no longer see all the Easter candy and "special" foods and feel left out, rejected, deprived, and sad. I no longer have tears well up when I see a chocolate bunny and want to bite its ears off. It's become just food to me... non-emotional food. Yet there is still that little brain voice that says "but it's special!! You can ONLY get it at this time of year! If you don't get those Cadbury eggs NOW, then you won't be able to have them at all for a whole year!" It's a very quiet, easily-squashed voice, but it's there. Yesterday as I was shopping for Easter basket candy for my kids, I didn't have a single thought of what would *I* like to eat. Unlike years past when I would pile all of *my* favorites into the shopping cart under the guise of it being for my children, yesterday I just picked up what I knew were the kids' favorites and got *just enough* for an Easter egg hunt and moderate baskets. Since we don't buy candy aside from holidays, it doesn't take a lot. I paid for my purchases and as I was walking towards the store exit, I passed a stand with some Reeses Easter candy displayed. And all of a sudden there was the voice. "Oh my gosh, WHITE chocolate Reeses eggs?? Oh I have to have those, I won't be able to get them when Easter is over, what if they don't make them next year? Oh I really need to have those!" And as my brain was saying this stuff, my feet just kept on walking to the exit, past the display, and out to my car. By the time I was outside, the voice had stopped and I no longer cared one speck about those dumb eggs. Did you know I don't even *like* white chocolate? Yet I spent *years* eating various different white chocolate items when I was morbidly obese, trying to *make* myself like it... trying to find the "yum" factor in white chocolate. Like my hate affair with red velvet cake, I just felt driven to like it because I should. Because everyone else says it is soooo good. But you know, white chocolate just tastes like old wax to me. Even the "good" stuff. Now that I get that, I don't have to keep torturing myself about white chocolate. It is okay for me to just not like it!
The other thing that's different is this: I don't *care* if they have all the special Easter candies again next year. I am no longer chomping at the bit to get off my diet so I can eat candy again. I don't *want* to eat candy again. You know why? Because I think it will kill me. It has taken me a long, LONG time to truly get to this point, but I finally do look at sugar as a poison. When I eat it, I feel horrible: tired, depressed, and sore. My joints ache and my heart pounds. I get headaches and my skin breaks out. I get emotional. And what do I want? More! More, more, more poison. I do not think it is far fetched to say that it could literally kill me if I went from my current low GI, non-sugared state to a binge on candy bars. I think it affects my heart and obviously my blood sugar. So although I do miss the taste of those candy bars and "treats," I am not eating them. I miss the taste of shrimp, too, but I am allergic so I don't eat that, either, no matter how tempted I get.
I'm doing fine on Medifast, I feel good. Tomorrow we are having spiral sliced (non-glazed) ham, fresh steamed asparagus, salad, and perhaps some mashed cauliflower for our Easter dinner. And I'm looking forward to my weigh-in on Monday.
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