Sunday's migraine headache was the worst I have ever experienced. Now, I *finally* understand what I saw as a child: my mother, laid up in her dark bedroom in a nightgown all day long, only coming out to vomit. I wasn't allowed to 'bother' her, and my Dad took care of me on those days. As a child I was worried, but as a teen I thought she was being dramatic. How could a mere *headache* cause someone to lie in bed all day? She must just be lazy.
When I became an adult and had several children, I started to have a few migraines of my own. They were few and far between, but they got worse and more frequent over time... complete with the usual symptoms of auras, seeing spots or halos or colors, feeling dizzy, nausea, and being super sensitive to light and sound. Often, I could feel them coming on and knew that if I took some extra strength Excedrin and rested, it would go away or be mild enough that I could still function. But sometimes I really would have to draw the curtains shut, lie down with a warm rag over my eyes in a silent room, and just wait for it to pass.
Sunday was different. I described it already, but I thought I was dying. I have never in my life felt such a bad headache. The nausea was overwhelming. The Excedrin barely helped and it took all day lying down to start to feel even slightly okay. It was definitely associated with my monthly cycle. So I figured I'd get back on top of things Monday.
I couldn't. I was dragging all day yesterday. I felt *so* exhausted... totally wiped out. I mean, basically my daughter and I had almost nothing clean left in our closets so I HAD to do a load of wash, but it literally took me ALL DAY. First, taking the clothes down and putting them into the machine. Then I was so tired I had to lay on the couch and sleep. When I got up, I went and switched them to the dryer, then was so exhausted I had to lie down again. When my kids got home from school, they brought the clothes upstairs for me, and it took me all evening to get the stuff put away, piece by piece. I pretty much slept and rested all day! And when I woke up today after a full 9 hours of sleep, I was still wiped out. I thought something must be wrong with me. So I started looking around at medical websites. Apparently it is very common to have this "postdrome" syndrome after a severe migraine, where you feel completely exhausted, foggy, and weak for 2 or 3 days post-migraine. I do have a doctor's appointment next week and will bring this up, but I think it is just one of those things you can't really do much about. I had blood work just a month or so ago and it all looked excellent... so I don't expect there to be anything else going on. Hopefully that kind of migraine will be few and far between, and maybe tomorrow I will start to feel normal again.
My eating? Well yesterday it was better, meaning I got more nutrition in. On Sunday I probably only ate 500 calories or so because of the nausea. Yesterday, I had:
a few sips of black coffee
one saltine with Excedrin
a mug of ginger lemon herbal tea with a little lavender honey added
at lunchtime I was lucky enough to already have cut-up fresh cauliflower in the fridge, so I just put 1.5 cups of that in a soup pan with a cup of chicken broth and simmered it to make cauliflower soup. I added an ounce of shredded low fat cheddar and was able to eat half the recipe. I had the other half later, in the evening.
I also had one or two more saltines, one Medifast shake, another mug of ginger lemon tea with honey, and 6 ounces of 2% Fage Greek yogurt with lemon fish oil mixed in.
The yogurt, cheese, and cauliflower soup all together equaled all the requirements for one Medifast "Lean & Green" meal. So I got my veggies, protein, and healthy fat in for the day. I think I will do even better today.
I want to thank those of you who are sticking by me, reading, praying for me and leaving kind thoughts for me while I have struggled with getting this weight off. It is taking me a lot longer than I ever thought it would. Last night I was looking through my old posts, and it just breaks my heart to read my *own* struggles. I am sure it is hard for many people, and not knowing the entire backstory it is surely even harder to understand. I wish I could share everything that is going on in my personal life that has made this harder for me, but a long time ago I decided to not post other people's *stuff* here anymore, including my own adult children's, even when it is affecting me. Just know I have a lot going on, and yes, I have let some of it get in the way of taking care of *me*. Last night as I was reading my old posts, I had the distinct impression that it is now or never. and I mean literally... now or NEVER. I have been battling to get this weight off for years now. I can honestly see myself living the rest of my life this way if something doesn't drastically change; I could keep doing the same thing... losing 10, regaining 10, losing 10, regaining 10... over and over and over for the rest of my LIFE. I am not happy at 215-220 pounds but that is where I pretty much settle when I am only working at it half-assed. And that is the sad thing to me... if I gave up completely and didn't even try, I'd be over 300 pounds in 6 months. It takes a lot of *work* to stay at 215-220, for me. And part of my issue is that I feel like with all the work I am doing, I should be able to lose more weight. Even looking over those old posts from 2008-2009, I was really *working* at not regaining. I was biking 30 minutes, 6 days a week. I was strength training 3 days a week. I was doing other things, like walking and Wii Fit and workout DVDs. I was counting calories and eating a lot of produce. And still I regained to 240 pounds... simply because I was not consistent enough. I would do all of those things for 2 or 3 weeks and then something would happen (life stress, sickness, injury, whatever) and I'd binge and stop exercising and gain 11 pounds in one week. It happened more than once! So whatever I'd lose in the 3 weeks of being healthy, I'd gain right back in one week off.
Anyway, my point is that I see myself still in that same cycle. I have weeks where I do really well, lose weight, then... even though I no longer binge... I have a week of eating off plan and the weight comes back very fast, just like it did 4 years ago. It doesn't seem to matter that I was eating about 1500-1700 calories a day back then, it still came back on very rapidly. I digress again... my real point is, I can stay in this cycle and do all this work to stay 215 pounds, or I can have enough discipline to *not* go off plan at ALL and lose the weight for good. I have done it twice before (losing weight in a linear fashion): once when I began this blog, going from 278 to 214 by counting calories and exercising, and again in 2010, going from 234 to 175 on Medifast. The reason I was able to do it both of those times is consistency. I stuck with the plan for *months*. Not weeks, but MONTHS without much screwing up. Granted, when you weigh 278 pounds you can screw up a little more and the weight still comes off, but not now. Now, to get it off, I have to stay on plan for months without screwing up. Because when I screw up, the weight comes back three times faster than it came off.
This is the harsh reality. If I want to really get this done, I have to do it NOW. Right now, as in, this moment... this year. I simply cannot drag this "journey" on for another two or three or five years. I need to get this done THIS year and then spend the rest of my life maintaining the loss. If I do not do this now, I am going to be stuck in this cycle forever.
You Can't Always Get What You Want
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