Thursday, February 7, 2013

It Hurts

Going back, back to 2010, reading many of the posts on my blog from when I was consistently losing weight, I am overcome by so many emotions. I feel waves of every sort of feeling: pride, wonder, anger, sadness, joy, compassion, and mourning. It is very complex, the way I feel as I read. My blog allows me to go back and re-experience how it felt to hit new lows, to feel new sensations, to stall and struggle, to succeed. I am truly so proud of myself back then... the self who decided, at 278 pounds, to get up and stick to something and DO it. The self who, when some of the weight came back on and stayed on for a solid twenty months, never gave up but kept working so hard, hoping, trying, crying in frustration but always and ever getting right back up to fight. The self who took the risk of trying something new... Medifast... and then stuck with that while battling mental demons, learning not to binge, finally understanding that it IS possible and I have it within me. And yes, even the self who regained part of *that* weight loss and has fought and struggled and REFUSED to give up and die, refused to go back to morbid obesity and slip into the old oblivion that is so much easier than this.

As I read, yes I am proud. And I mourn. It is like a death, in some ways, when I read about my 35-pound-lighter self swinging with my daughter, walking for miles, raking leaves, and going roller skating. That self was wearing size 12, size 14 clothes and *looked and felt normal.* I remember it, as faded as it sometimes becomes, I do remember it. It wasn't so long ago. Yet it feels like a lifetime that I have been trapped in this fatter body, in pain, withdrawing, going back inside my head because reality is just too hard sometimes. I let it go, and I am so sad, sometimes, for the loss. It hurts. I even get angry. I want to beat my fists on the floor as the tears run down my flushed face and scream, "how could you let it go? How could you give that up for a cookie?" Yet I did... I got tired of the plan, I thought I could do it better my own way, I stopped being as strict with my eating and when I started having pain in the spring I became sedentary... and that was the nail in the coffin of my "maintaining" anywhere near the 190's. Yeah, it makes me angry and I feel like something, someone, died... but then I realize what a GREAT GIFT it is that it is *not* a death. It is, in fact, reversible. It isn't over. I didn't gain back all, or even most, of the weight. I can get back there again, just as I got there in the first place. It takes work. It takes commitment. It takes being on plan just like I did it the first time, and it will take me extracting myself from living inside my head and putting the focus back on life and living, where it should be.

I've not discussed what difficulties, emotionally, have caused me to struggle. It doesn't matter, really, to anyone but me. You know I have a couple of kids with health issues. Two have been in what I'd call medical crisis over the past couple of months, and it has been very, very painful and distressing for me to deal with. *I am not blaming my kids. I love them very much.* It just is what it is and that is where my focus has been, and still is.

Many things are not in my control, but what I put into my mouth *is.* I am doing Medifast 100% and am hoping I will get the kind of results I got before. I understand this time what I did not fully grasp last time: that I cannot EVER go back to a high-carb way of eating... that I need to be very careful when and how I transition off Medifast back to regular foods. I *cannot* add back in fruit, potatoes, milk, cheese, corn, beans, peanuts, and grains the way I did last time, which resulted in a rapid regain and a return of cravings. I believe I am carb sensitive. I need to transition to a Paleo-style way of eating at the end of this. I will probably always have to watch my carbs very carefully in order not to regain the weight. I won't make the same mistake again.

I am leaving this place and I never want to be back here again.

22 comments:

Misc Mom said...

I really hope that you are able to clear your head, set your mind on your goals, achieve them and then maintain them WITHOUT medifast. Of course if medifast is your means of achieving that goal, no one has the place or the power to change your mind. I only wish the best for you and that you can get back to your healthy happy place.

God bless

Becca said...

Lyn, I also had a weight gain happen when I got PF in both my feet last spring. I know it's demoralizing. I'm also getting my life back, and learning to minimize or atleast deal with the pain, while still getting in my exercise. I hope the same is true for you. I hope you also find your "umph" again.

Push past all the "yesterdays" and get started again on the right track, today.

Ve said...

Hi Lyn-
Why don't you transition to a Paleo style of eating now? Mediast seems so overly processed and full of chemicals. I've been eating Paleo now for a few months and have never felt better. Mediast seems like a quick fix to a temporary problem, whereas going Paleo would be a lifestyle for life.

Lyn said...

Ve~

I did just that this summer... went Primal. I did not lose weight but did maintain on it. Then in the fall I did a combination of calorie counting and Primal. Again, maintained but didn't lose weight. That's why I went back to Medifast.

Margaret said...

Lyn -

I've just watched a friend who lost 80 pounds put it all back on, plus 15. It's heartbreaking. The cold, hard truth of maintenance is "what you did to get there, you have to do to stay there." In the case of someone coming off medifast (if that is what it takes to lose), the entire battle hangs on portion control - you need to keep your calories at medifast level. (I'm taking low carb for granted... ) The only reason I'm commenting is every time we lose/regain, it seems like it's harder to get the weight off again. And I'd like to see you win this thing once and for all.

Just my .02 (I've been on maintenance for six years)

Catherine55 said...

Please do not beat yourself up about gaining some of the weight back. That's not important anymore. What is important is that you have a new plan and are going to succeed. You are back in action and are going to be better than ever.

Sending best wishes for your continued success. Focus on all of your many accomplishments and moving forward, not on any past mistakes.

- Catherine (have been maintaining an ~80 pound loss for 3 years)

LHA said...

Lyn, you are such a fighter! I admire you so much for your "never say die" attitude. I would bet that many or even most of the people reading your blog have lost and regained many times. I certainly have! It is so very hard to go back and try, try again.

I totally think at this point you know what will help you lose the best and if that is MF, then go for it. We all have methods that work best for us, the tried and true.

I do know how hard it is to have chronically ill children as I also have experienced that. It is heartbreaking I know. I sure wish them the best and you too.

jesseybell said...

I hear you! I am so thrilled with what the scale says having lost 12 lbs, but then realizing that I still have FOURTY more pounds to lose to get where I was at 2 years ago...and even that is the borderline between obese and overweight. But you are still doing it and determined to win this fight and that is awesome.

Marc said...

I believe everyone of us has the power within ourselves to change. And change without purchasing a professional meal plan that gets delivered to our front doors. I don't know how much Medifast costs per year. I have a sister that purchased two years worth of Nutri-system meals for her and her husband. As soon as they stopped buying the food and stopped eating the nutria-system way, they both gained back all the weight, plus more. They are both educated and intelligent people. I wonder what the outcome would have been if they had spent that nutri-system money on out patient counseling/ therapy? Or even some college level nutritional courses? I believe our minds still have control over our hands, our mouths, and what we put in our mouths. If we can't use our minds to control ourselves, maybe it's time to admit to needing professional help, or turning it over to a higher power. I see no shame in either. Very few of us have a body that betrays us. It's our minds that cheat our bodies most of the time.

Taryl said...

It can be really hard to come about to the realizing that some of us just can't maintain with higher carb foods, at least not in daily or significant/portion size quantities. But I have personally gotten to a place of great mental peace over the whole thing and love my way of eating. I am eating you hit your stride and feel the same way. It's SO freeing!

Lyn said...

Marc~

I am sorry to hear about your sister's struggles, but not surprised. This battle with food is, sadly, not a rare one. I can't say what would have helped her, but I can say that college level nutrition classes, sessions with a dietitian, and seeing 3 different counselors did not "cure" my issues. I think it is something we, with food issues, have to keep working at. I also think some people are sensitive to certain things, be it sugar, grains, gluten, artificial sweeteners... and we have to find our triggers and avoid them. Medifast is providing me with this food plan for free, but each of us has to figure out what is best in our own case.

Lyn said...

Taryl~

I felt the same way for so long! It really is freeing. When I eat too many carbs I get emotionally "foggy" and want more... and forget how good I felt without them. I am working hard to get back to that place now. Hopefully after a week or so on plan I will be back in the groove, and stay there.

Margaret said...

Hi lyn
I am new to your blog. But it is MY story. I lost 80 lbs. on medifast got BELOW goal and as soon as I started transition 15 lbs came back. I have maintained for the lst seven months but just can not get my head back on plan to lose the last ten. Still fit in my skinny clothes but they are tight. My daughter suggested paleo for me too. You will get back on plan. You WILL get there. You are an inspiration to medifasters! I guess it took us a long time to gain so it takes time to keep it off. Really pulling for you I look forward to your insightful comments Thanks ! Margaret.

Karen said...

Onward! Get that clear mind back, then start removing or working though each barrier.

I found it easier to deal with the barriers , ( emotional eating, time prioritizing , family members on hospice) once I was on MF a solid 6-8 weeks. Brain fog lifted, and I could start to learn to face my life and build one without the emotional eating.

My blog documents the transition from medifast to Paleo a year ago. I'm a single mom, full time work, big commute, most of the time desk job, and have gone through menopause. I let no problem -especially myself and my old ways of thinking stand in my way. I faced it head on. No nonsense, no going back to the old habits.

I year out now in to maintenance. Still a lot work. But so worth it. Good luck Lyn. Do this before you have more major health problems. You can get help to face each barrier as it presents it self. I found it easier to face the barriers than to deal with 40 years of obesity.

Remove those barriers.

Jac said...

I am skeptical as to whether doing Medifast actually does anything to address the damage you've done to your metabolism over the years. I think your body honestly needs a break, Lyn. I'm not trying to discourage you, just perhaps provide a possible reason for why the loss hasn't been as easy this time, even back on Medifast. I think you might *need* to spend some solid time maintaining on a grain-free Primal/Paleo diet, and let your body heal itself. Then the weight will naturally start to come off easily, once the starvation effect has passed. I mentioned the concept of a "set point" on another post a long time ago, and someone disagreed with me that anyone's set point would be over 200 lbs. But the reality is that we change our set point with our habits. I'm going to post a video to your FB wall that might explain my thoughts better.

Lyn said...

welcome Margaret :) Maintaining is work for sure but we will figure it out. Check out Karen's blog (comment below yours)... lots of inspiration there!

Jac~

Thanks, I will check out the video. I do get regular blood work and have always done so on Medifast... no starvation effects or nutritional deficiencies have been noted. When I went to Primal eating this past summer and again in fall, I think that was a pretty good/long break from Medifast.

Darcy Winters said...

I recently found an old Weight Watcher card from several years ago. At the time - I apparently weight 202 pounds and thought I was HUGE. Fast forward to now and I weigh 278. I would happily be 202 again if I could.

The fact is though, that we can't change what has happened - we can only concentrate of what we don next.

(((hugs)))

Anonymous said...

Hi Lyn, i have read your blog for a long time. This pattern of back and forth really is insanity! it is for MANY of us, have you ever thought of OA or another 12 step plan, al-anon? Its not religious, but a spiritual plan. I am also a former JW and so understand aversion to CULTS!! But this truly is a wonderful program, Its not what you are choosing to eat. ANY Program works, if your head is in the game. Just thoughts. Good luck to you, you deserve a life free of this.

Lyn said...

Darcy~

it sure is about perspective, isn't it?? You will get there, don't give up! Hugs back :)

Anon~

yes, I did not feel very comfortable at the in-person OA meetings I went to, but the online ones are very informative. I've attended OA online quite often.

Anonymous said...

Lyn, i discovered your blog recently sp i apologize if you have covered this before. I'm so sorry and understand what you're feeling having been there myself, but i've since gotten my own weight under control so i promise you it is possible. I recently saw a relative who was doing great ( had modified her diet in a sustainable weight, was exercising as appropriate for her, etc) gain it back when she had to balance a full time job with taking care pf her husband with cancer ( who is now in remission). She had, between work and staying with him at the hospital, 18 hour days for months. Have you talked about, or will you tell us, what we can do to support someone like yourself who is taking care of an ill family member like you are? Thank you and hugs!

Lyn said...

Anonymous~

so sorry to hear about your relative's regain... what a tough situation. I am glad her husband is in remission! The best you can do is offer to help her when you can and be a shoulder for her to cry on when she is stressed. Be there for them and if you are close enough, maybe take a meal over or invite them for dinner so she can get a little break. Love is really the most uplifting thing :) I really appreciate the kind thoughts and prayers of readers, always, and that helps lift my spirits and give me strength.

Amy said...

This was a really emotional blog for me to read, as it really hits home for me too. I lost a good amount and then had some health issues and unlike you, I handled me stress in a very unhealthy way of stuffing food in my face. I am nearly back where I started, and I am desperately trying to figure out why I was so invincible then, but now I am struggling to stay on track for an entire week. I love how you always end on a high note. We can do this!