This week, I noticed a big change in my feelings about this whole weight loss thing. I guess it actually started longer ago than that... sometime in January. But this week was very pronounced. I felt like "diet" is taking over my life. And I don't like it.
I felt very negative about my eating this week even though it was reasonable. I started feeling angry when I look at the scale, or even worse, when I get on it. There is something about being on Medifast that makes me feel entitled to a big loss every week, or at least every month. And like I said last week, losing two pounds in a month just makes me upset. Should it?
I wasn't consistently losing two pounds a month when I was calorie counting or low carbing earlier this year. Why isn't it "enough"? Is it because I have been at this for so long? Or because "everyone else" who does Medifast loses faster? I was losing 7 pounds a month last time I did Medifast. I guess I expected it to be the same this time around... but it's not. I am not the same. I have been much less active this time around... far more sedentary. I've been more inclined to eat nuts as a snack and use half and half as a condiment rather than choosing celery, sugar free jello or fresh herbs as I did last time. This week I cut out the nuts and half & half and all I got was hungrier. Then I upped my protein, tried going to 4&2 (which is 4 Medifast meals and 2 home cooked meals per day) and lastly, added some olive oil. Obviously, too many not-well-thought-out changes in ONE WEEK! Why? Because I felt desperate.
I started to fume when I'd take a peek at the scale and see no loss. All week... no loss, or down a pound and then back up the next day. As of yesterday I was still 216 for the week, same as last Sunday. And I got so frustrated that thoughts were flying through my head... more ways to change the plan and MAKE the weight come off. And then I thought, "this is so lame. I am done playing this game" and put the scale away.
I did not get on the scale again this morning. I really am done with that game. It used to be that I weighed every day and the numbers didn't affect me. But now, for some reason, it is becoming *too* emotional. I find myself measuring and counting every little thing, looking over all my totals... calories, carbs, fat, protein, fiber... and trying to mess with them to MAKE THIS WORK. And that is just getting to be obsessive. So I am done with that game too.
No more scale. No more tracking calories. I want to get my brain out of DIET mode and put the focus back on living. I really let it get out of hand this week and spent *way* too much time overthinking it. PMS might have had something to do with it, but still.
The thing about Medifast is, it is already pre-calculated. They offer a nutrition tracker program for free that I have been using, but you don't *have* to use it. If you JUST follow the program, the numbers fall into place. Every Medifast food has the same nutritional profile. The only thing you have to measure or weigh is the one home cooked meal a day: weigh the meat, measure the veggies, and measure the fats. That's it. That plus five Medifast meals and a bunch of water IS the plan. I have been trying to CONTROL my body and CONTROL the diet and weight loss. I really need to let it go. I do. I have kids who need that attention. I have dogs who'd rather take a walk with me than have me sitting here adding up numbers for 20 minutes a day. I have joy in my heart and my life that I no longer want to be dampened by a stupid scale number. I am so sick of *expecting* to see a certain number on that scale and then getting all pissed off when I don't see it. So, like I said, I am done playing that game.
I am just going to trust the plan, trust my body, LISTEN to my body and LET GO of this need to control it all. I will weigh on the first of each month, and that is it. I will eat the 5 Medifast meals spaced 2-3 hours apart and my home made meal each day, and that is it. I won't be tracking, and I won't be posting my stats anymore because I won't know what they are.
My goal, here, is to turn my attention back to the things that matter, and spend my time on those things rather than "The Diet."
In other news, my feet are *vastly* improved on this new medication (so far). I am almost nervous to say that, thinking the pain will come back at any moment. But it is SO nice to have so much less pain! I hope it continues; the doctor told me that even if I felt better, not to push it with the activity and to stay very low key with activity as my feet heal.
*FTC-required disclosure: Medifast provided me with its products for my personal use for free.*