Sunday, January 20, 2013

Discontent

... not about my life. About my weight.

This week I have *really* noticed the extra 40 pounds I have packed on since 2010, when I'd lost a hundred pounds. I mean, yes, of course I noticed it before. But part of my brain has been saying, "it's not *that* bad." I mean, it isn't like it was at 278. I guess believing it is not that bad is a coping mechanism of sorts... because I have never given up, I never stopped trying, I am working at it every day and I have to believe all that work is worth *something* So it becomes "not that bad" to weigh 216 pounds, and I la-de-da my way through life... feeling okay about it, not especially liking it, wanting to change it, but not hating it either.

I think I am hating it now.

A couple of times this week, I sat on the edge of my bed to talk on the phone. Across from my bed is the full length mirror that I always take my progress pictures in. I was sitting there talking on the phone and suddenly SAW myself in the mirror. Unposed, unfiltered, just... there I was. Big. Way bigger than I imagine myself to be. Rolls. Layers. I felt almost assaulted with reality. Then I turned away.

A couple of other times this week, I *felt* the thick layer of fat that encases my body. It is cumbersome; it hinders my movement when I bend. When I try to put on jeans fresh out of the dryer, it is *really* obvious that the fat is there. And even now, sitting here, I am very aware of the layer that doesn't belong. I feel like the zipper's stuck on one of those puffy Michelin Man winter coats and I can't get it off.

That layer was put there by me. That layer is made of fat, yes, bit is *composed* of things like bread, noodles, cookies, bacon, sausage, and too many nuts. It didn't seem like much at the time: a little overindulgence, a handful of crackers,  a day "off" after a few weeks of eating right, a croissant at the French bakery. It wasn't *that* often and it wasn't *that* much. But it added up... slowly, imperceptibly, it layered cell by cell onto my body until here I am, feeling puffed up like a blowfish. I hardly recognize myself.

Yeah, I am hating it. Not hating *myself.* Not even hating my body. I am hating that I have this big, heavy, unhappy extra layer to carry around. It's hard on my knees, tough on my feet, killer on my self esteem.

I am trying every day. A pound off a week, well, that's not cutting it. Sorry, but being honest here, I have put on 11 pounds in a week before, and I'd think that losing 2 pounds a week on *average* would not be outside the realm of possibility. I have lost TWO pounds in January. Two. Something has to give.

Something is *going* to give.

16 comments:

Cathi said...

I ran across this while looking for diet aid reviews. I am a 47 year old woman who is 50 pounds over weight. I was 275 pounds 6 years ago and 20 pounds from my goal in April but gained 30 pounds after a breakup. I have a bunch of Medifast in my cupboard but have been off of it for 2 weeks. Your blog inspired me again. Thank you

Tyhada said...

I know all to well the "little bit here" and a "little bit there." How it all add's up quickly. I just started my weight loss blog a little over a week ago and you visited after I sent you an email. I'm doing your 16 week challenge and I'm going to join Weight Watchers tomorrow. You're not alone in your journey. I'm right there with you. :)

Karen said...

What are the barriers that are keeping you from staying 100% OP? Remove a barrier. Then chip away at another. You'll have to do something different to remove the barriers. It's a lot of mental work, but facing the barriers may prove to be easier than the physical and emotional pain.

Good luck and get strong , courageous , and get help with removing the barriers. It can be done. The only thing that is stopping you is............ ( remove or find away around what pops into your mind- stinking thinking, lack of support system, wheat , negative self talk, ).

Do you think you can do it? What barrier can you remove right now?

Lyn said...

Karen~

Thanks :)

I think mostly it is just lack of true strictness. I have been totally on plan for the most part all week, except that one day. Then today it snuck in again, hey... a little half and half, a few more nuts, a couple extra condiments. I think the main barrier is not being diligent about those things. Why not diligent? Well, I think it is because I lost a really good chunk of weight on Medifast while eating that way... not being super strict. Apparently with my activity level down, it DOES matter. I am going to cut out the nuts and peanut butter this week, cut out the half and half, cut back the condiments and see where that gets me.

Taryl said...

I agree with Karen - you have to figure out, on what level, you are giving yourself permission to cheat. A little here, a little there, and yet then you're left ten or twenty pounds heavier. Those little cheats add up as you say - and the one being cheated is YOU! If you cannot root out and conquer the part of yourself that is giving you permission to eat off plan, you will continue struggling in this way. Since the food isn't jumping into your mouth on it's own, this IS ultimately something that you have control over. That's great news, because if it is a choice, that means you can choose differently.

I totally get what you're saying and have been there, to a lesser extent, myself. I firmly believe that is why I am succeeding in staying on plan, with no mental struggles, the last few months and and moving strongly today despite NO positive scale feedback (pregnancy makes it tough ;) ) - I found that part of myself that was cheating me and uprooted it. Now I'm content and continuing on plan comfortably, because that traitorous part of my brain was dealt with and overcome. And whenever it tries to reassertion itself, I know exactly what is happening and have the will and skill to fight it and win. I truly wish the same for you :)

Kelly said...

I know how you feel. It sneaks up on you when you let your guard down for just a minute. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and life with us. I learn a little about me at the same time, as your words echo, what I can't express.

Gwen said...

For me, it's learning to live that I will never eat or metabolize like a hummingbird. It's accepting that this is a life change, not just until I reach a normal weight again. It's about caring enough for my family to care for myself! It's about not giving in to the little girl who always strived to reach her parent's idea success (A- wasn't good enough)...and be the best I can be FOR ME. You can do it. You just have to care enough about yourself to do it! :)

Anonymous said...

Lyn, Have you read the book 'brain over binge', by Kathryn Hansen? It certainly helped me understand why I never can forget about the food, although I am not yet free from obsession. Check it out on Amazon, it offers a lot of insights.

Anonymous said...

How fast do you think you can lose weight given your current rate of loss, and the fact that on most days you're eating a hair over 1000 calories?

Lyn said...

Anonymous~

as I said in my post, I think 2 pounds a week, on average, would be reasonable.

Anonymous said...

First post here! Just curious why you think that one pound a week isn't enough? At your weight, one pound a week is pretty good (and pretty hard to sustain). That would be fifty pounds by the end of the year, roughly.

~Ann~

Em said...

And to add to Ann's comment above, if one pound a week isn't enough, where are you planning to come up with the extra caloric deficit? You've lost 2 pounds this month; you might lose 4 in the next month if you stay on plan. But if "on plan" means eating—as in your most recent post—880 calories a day, where are you planning on getting the extra ~500 calories/day to add another pound a week in caloric deficit? It doesn't sound to me as if it can be done, or as if it would be healthy to try to do it. This isn't to rain on your parade, Lyn, it's just to suggest that in light of what you're facing—the health problems that keep you inactive, the stress that renders weight loss more difficult—you might want to be careful about keeping your expectations realistic.

Lyn said...

Em~

I think this blog, and many others' experience, is evidence that it is not as simple as calories in, calories out. I did not eat an extra 5,000 calories a day when I gained 10 pounds in a week. And I did not create a 2500 calorie a day deficit when I have dropped 5 pounds in a week. Over the long term I was not losing any weight on 1400 calories a day. There is more to it than simple math. The body is a complex thing, as is metabolism.

Time 4 Me said...

Once again, I'm touched by your blog, Lyn. The poignant way you describe yourself viewing your own image in a mirror and turning away...oh, it's me so often! Thank you for sharing these intimate details with us....for, yes, we are strangers, but we are all sharing the same hurt and sorrow over weight....that makes us sisters, in a sense. I wonder, have you had your thyroid checked? Like yourself, I too feel like I lose weight very slowly. I'm 47, mom of 3, and I'm sure my metabolism isn't what it used to be. Recently, I had a doctor friend (psychologist) tell me that I should have my thyroid (t3?) checked. Other than that, I think 1-2 lbs a week is what we have to accept. I know you know this but, hey, it's a loss! A loss is a loss all day long. Surely better than going the other way, right? Anywho, I'm very proud of your commitment. We know it's an ongoing battle and we are all going to have good days, as well as bad ones. The important thing is to get right back on the plan and to always, always have a goal in sight! I'm so glad I found your blog. Good luck today and tomorrow and the day after that..... BLESSINGS!

Lyn said...

Time 4 Me~

thank you :) Yes, my thyroid results were normal. I will take any loss I can get, just wish it was coming off a little faster.

Alen Standish said...

Thank you for sharing so much on your blog. I've struggled with the same.

To the note above from Anonymous, I also loved the book Brain Over Binge and it helped me finally stop my own binge eating last year as well. I was able to understand that it was my "lizard brain" that was telling me to binge and her book helped me to realize that was just a junk message and to ignore it. Just a great book.

I was fortunate late last week to speak with Kathryn Hansen over the phone about her book Brain Over Binge for my podcast. She's a very neat lady and shared great details about her book and her personal life. Listen if you'd like at my blog or find the The Quit Binge Eating Podcast over at iTunes or on Stitcher. It was a great conversation!