I was looking back through my blog today. I was trying to remember when, exactly, I escaped obesity. And trying to figure out... put into real words... WHAT made the regain start. I know it was not about food. It was not a cake or a bag of chips or diet fatigue. It was 100% mental and emotional, I've always known it, and those feelings manifested in an inability to stick to a plan. I knew that, but never really put down on paper WHAT it was that sent me spiraling back up the scale.
If I do not address those things, it will happen again. I don't want to waste another year losing all this weight just to go through the same challenges and gain it all back. It doesn't matter how I lose the weight. If I do not address this I AM going to regain.
I think the #1 reason I began the regain was this: I was extremely uncomfortable with the way my body was changing as the weight came off. I wrote this post, I Don't Like My Melting Body, in September 2010... just a month before I reached 100 pounds lost. When I read it, it *still* gives me an uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach. I *know* I did not resolve that issue. Well, I resolved it by gaining enough weight to make all of those things go away. I didn't do that on purpose. But I was so, so painfully uncomfortable with my shrinking body and didn't know how to cope.
I am not sure how I will deal with it this time around. Something has to be different. All the other issues I had that were keeping me fat.... fear of being hurt, associating thinness with death... I have been able to work through and they don't really seem to crop up anymore. But the discomfort with my thinner body needs some more mental work. I am not sure how to handle that. Obviously, telling myself (and believing) that it is better to be a healthy weight than to be fat did not work. How did you handle it, if you had this issue? Did any of you lose a bunch of weight and not like the changes you were seeing? Did you figure out a way to be truly okay with it?
I am still trying to figure it out. I have about 30 pounds before I am going to start seeing those changes again. My reaction needs to be different this time.
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