I seem to feel pretty awful in the morning with this illness, then feel decent (but tired) in the early afternoon, and then feel bad again in the evening. So right now I am just at the end of that window of feeling decent. So I wanted to write a bit. (I just threw in a load of towels to wash because the laundry has reallly piled up while I have been sick... and guess what? My washer stopped working. Great... one more thing.)
Anyway, I have had this overwhelming feeling that I just need to freaking FOCUS already. I know it shows in my blog posts (because I am very frank about where I am mentally and emotionally on this blog) and I want you to know I am acutely aware of the muck and mire I have been slogging through with my thinking, my dieting, my exercise, the whole shebang. I know. It has been hard. I am proud of myself for not stopping, standing still, letting the quicksand take me... but I need to quit mucking about and just FOCUS. Not just on weight loss or diet or exercise, but on ALL of the things in my life that I need to focus on. It is absolutely never about just weight and diet, although that's what I blog about. It's about avoidance, about trying *not* to deal with or think about things, and going into one's own lala land where the stressful stuff doesn't exist.
I have a lot of things I need to focus on, and the problem with lack of focus is the amount of time and effort it takes to get anywhere. Say I need to clean the kitchen. I can go in there, start to wipe the counters, get distracted and go make a phone call, go back and wash a few dishes but then stop to take the dogs for a walk, then go back and start to sweep but put the broom down and go watch TV... and this can go on and one for the entire day and by 9pm I have spent all day "cleaning the kitchen" and still do not have a clean kitchen. You know?
If I keep dabbling in weight loss the way I have, the year is going to pass with a ton of effort and very few results. Like the kitchen. If I keep dabbling in all the other things in my life that need my *focus*, none of that will get done either. And then I am frustrated.
To me, focus is about not allowing distractions. It's about not letting other things come between me and my goals. I have been way too distracted and getting nowhere. It's just got to stop. Somewhere in me is that drive and energy to put into that focus. I need to dig it out and start using it.
Monday Babble and Dhammapada
6 hours ago