Saturday, November 17, 2012

After the Train Wreck

Second post today...

I am not sure why but I started getting really emotional today. I was going back and reading some of my old blog posts and got really choked up. Do you remember when I had my Train Wreck dream back in March 2011? I was up about ten pounds from my low of 175, trying to get it back off. Not two months after that dream, I began slowly sliding back up the hell scale, ending 2011 at 214 pounds. I read that post today and remembered that dream and how I felt, and I wanted to cry. I REMEMBER the beginning of the regain, I remember the struggle and how helpless I felt. I knew it was happening. The brake was gone.

My blog is full... truly full of my life. Five YEARS of my life chronicled day by day and when I start going back and reading it is very emotional. I see where I am now, which mimics where I was in 2009 where I began and ended that year weighing 230 pounds, down from 278 but stuck... oh so stuck. I have felt stuck again for SO long, not in a not-doing-anything kind of way, but it a running-in-place way. I have spent most of this year in the high-two-teens and while I get my share of criticism for what I am or am not doing, I know in my own heart and mind I am doing my best in the circumstances I have with what I've got. Others could do better, I am sure, but this is MY best. I want to cry it out sometimes... "I am giving all I've got!" Somehow that should be enough, but it's not. I just keep going, working at it, trying, doing the best I can for what I have.

I folded three pairs of jeans and put them in the overflowing "too small" clothes tub in my room today. Not that I outgrew them recently, but that when the weather changed and I pulled out the long pants, almost nothing fits. I have two pairs that fit, and seem to be getting a little looser, but who knows? I am discouraged, on the one hand... wanting to just go to sleep and wake up thin, feeling terribly frustrated that my efforts are getting me no where with weight loss, sick of the pain and of being sick, yet on the other hand I am determined to get the weight off NO MATTER WHAT IT TAKES, and I do not mean risking life or health but I do mean pushing myself into some really uncomfortable places, forcing myself to do things that are not easy for me, even if people are critical or unsupportive. If I had someone, anyone, in my real life who KNOWS me and loves me to bounce things off of, how nice that would be. If I had a mother or a sister or a cousin, anything... someone to say "I wouldn't do that" or "That sounds worth a try" it would make it easier, just to have someone look in my eyes with love, having them ask me tomorrow how it's going, giving me feedback on how I am doing... but even with so, so many supportive, kind friends who read and comment here, when I shut the laptop, I am alone in this.

Well, enough of that. Tomorrow I weigh, tomorrow I am starting a two day detox, and then I am restarting Medifast.

21 comments:

Anonymous said...

Do not fool yourself, we are all facing it alone.

Anonymous said...

I would not be able to do this without my husband's support. You are strong, Lyn! You can do this.

MargieAnne said...

Being so alone makes everything harder.

You do well to manage what you do.

All I can say is Thank-God for the internet. At least there is some kind of support and a place to share feelings, tough times and successes and know someone will understand and support you.

Remember that recovering from illness is sometimes harder than being i the middle of it. Don't let feelings of depression caused by illness and exhaustion de-rail you.

All the best for everyday getting better.

Blessings.

Lyn said...

Anonymous~

I disagree. I have known what it is like to be supported. It makes a world of difference.

Kristine said...

You keep jumping from one thing to the other because its not working fast enough for you. Dont you see, you always resort to the low calorie restriction which works while you do it but the moment you eat like a normal person you balloon up again. I have been reading your blog for years now and this is your trend. I feel your pain but things take time. Medifast is not your answer, that is why it did not stick.

Meghan said...

Though I've followed your blog for at least a couple years, I think yesterday was the first time I commented or read the comments. When I went back to check, I was amazed that along with my advice, you'd gotten the unsolicited and super-conflicting advice of so many others. And I'm sure that by being brave enough to put it all out here, you face a barrage of that.

You're right- it's easiest to be supported. When I went vegan, my family (those who took me seriously) were not supportive at all, and even years later they've only grudgingly started to accept it. It would have been easier with a shoulder and a sympathetic ear or two. But you? I don't have my whole blog online, but I bet it's hardest to be in your shoes- surrounded by a million experts who all seem to know exactly what you need to do, but who lack the emotional connection or ability to really help.

Just keep in mind, everyone who knows everything? We're struggling too, just like you. And maybe some of us are losing right this moment. Maybe we're even one of the lucky few maintaining a loss. But you've done both of those things. It's a slog for anyone who wants to permanently lose weight. We're all struggling and will probably always be struggling. But that doesn't mean it's not worth trying. Because it's about so much more than the scale.

You're going to figure this out, Lyn. You are figuring it out- a little more, every day.

Lyn said...

Kristine~

You're right, 2 years of gaining is not fast enough. Five months of low carbing with no net loss is not fast enough. I can't afford to waste five more months or two more years maintaining or gaining.

However, I disagree about Medifast. It's not the fault of the plan... Medifast, calorie counting, low carbing, Weight Watchers, etc... that the vast majority of people who lose weight gain it back. I had the same type of regain after losing the first 60 pounds counting calories... with a 20 month regain/stall. That is not because calorie counting doesn't work or is a bad plan. It is up to me to figure out how I can maintain a loss after I have it, and I think this past five months has taught me that a big part of the answer is staying low carb for life.

Lyn said...

Meghan~

Thank you so much. I really appreciate your comments. And I wish you all the best on your personal journey too. We will get there, it just takes time and determination.

Anonymous said...

I recall you asked an expert not long ago what she thought you should do to get out of your stall. And without looking back I recall she said go with Medifast.

Having a loved one in your life who is supportive cannot be replaced for the emotional aspects of what you and all of us are dealing with in the weight loss journey, but the expert advice you got is not something a loved one can give. Go with it and stick with it until the scale says 199. Your feet and the rest of you will be thankful. You can go back to while foods and low carb when you get there.

Karen said...

Good luck,Lyn. I hope that your foot gets better on the low inflammatory food. I found MF very helpful for loss and finding the quiet mind to transform to maintenance
Ask MF for a health coach who has had a major transformation. The MF Facebook page is also supportive. Onward!!

Sugar said...

wow!!! you are just AMAZING!

i understand its so so hard!

I have much to learn from you. I hope this thing works and you are able to get to goal!

Anonymous said...

Funny, I just took my first injection of hcg yesterday. Lost 50 lbs in 70 days on it once. It was so exilarating. Course I foolishly believed what Simeon back in 50s said it healed the hypothalimus so carbs could be slowly reincorperated into the diet. Wow! Balloon city. It was so sad to go from a snug size 20 to a 16, just to gain it all back. Ive found low carb is excellent after I lose. I just cant gain weight on a low carb diet. I researched the many vlogs of those who lost with me three years ago and those who lost 100 average and stayed low carb have maintained, while those who havent have regained, or resorted to stimulants to keep carb intake under control. Lets drop fast and furious Lynn. Theres more than one way to skin a squirrel,,,,oh sorry, Im in the deep south!

Anonymous said...

Lyn:
Wishing you the very best on your Medifast journey. It works if you work it. I've read in the past lots of "doctoring up" the MF plan. I would suggest you don't do that this time. All those extras add up. I would suggest no MF snacks or optionals. You WILL see results immediately. Just do the basic plan plain and simple.

I'm sorry you're alone. I remember what that was like. But you do have your children and they must be old enough to give you some support.

Lou said...

Hi Lyn,you are really brave. I don't like when they criticize (you or me.) People seem to think it's helpful. I think it just makes THEM feel better. You did so good on Medifast and I think you are right to go back to it. You inspired me to do Medifast and I lost 60 pounds. I am maintaining, but it is really hard and I do fall down the "candy hole" every couple of weeks and then I have to go back on plan for a few days. Mostly, though, I am okay. Exercise helps more than anything else. Anything that takes your mind off of the struggle helps. BUT what helps most is getting that weight the heck off your body. Get back to 175 and just try to be happy there. Better to be a little above your personal ideal than to keep batting your head against the wall. Thanks for all your work. I just am rooting for you and want to see you happy and healthy.
-Lou

LHA said...

Lyn, I understand what you mean on every level. I think anything you decide, including going back on Medifast, is fine! Please don't let even well-meaning criticism from your readers deter you from following your instincts. We all have to do whatever we think is best on this journey and I would say that I know you are giving it 100% and doing your very best.

You do need some emotional support in your life and I encourage you to reach out for it. Until you do find that, be strong in yourself (easier said than done sometimes) and take heart from all of us out in cyberspace who are rooting for you! You have a lot to be proud of so far, in losing weight, keeping much of it off, and not giving up. I see great things in your future. My favorite inspirational quote:

"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you've imagined." Henry David Thoreau

CatherineMarie said...

Lyn,

I am disappointed. And I have a question. Is Medifast gluten-free? If you do have a gluten intolerance, going back onto gluten is the WORST thing you can do for yourself. I know its hard. Its just me in my own life and I am constantly trying to figure out the best way for me to be healthy. I have lost a lot of weight and gotten a lot more muscle when I was promoted to a position which requires me to run around and stand for most of the day. That being said, the scale still measures the same thing. I know we each have to do things our own way, but here is a suggestion. Take the IDEA of medifast...low calorie shakes, "lean and green", etc, but make your own versions of them. Look at the ingredient list, figure out how you can make something comparable. Because I think you do want to cook, you want to have a relationship with food, and how better to change your relationship with food than by actually manipulating the food? Then, maybe, once you get down under 200, try to maintain, maybe at 180 for two months, just to give your body a chance to reset a little. Its possible that the inadvertent maintenance/regain is your body trying to heal... and maybe a deliberate maintenance, particularly during the colder months, will help. I know in the winter, I don't particularly want to do much other than curl up with a cup of tea.... Kyle Cassidy wrote a blog post on his weight loss. Now I know men lose faster than women, but Mark Bittman actually did something similar to lose weight, where he ate vegan for breakfast and lunch, and then ate a moderate dinner. I tend to eat less at breakfast, a larger lunch, and then a carby dinner. (if I don't have carbs for dinner, I don't sleep well.)

Sorry for the blog post as comment, but I am worried about you starting Medifast again. I really am. I'm big on "natural, grass-fed" etc, but I also know that I can't have a lot of meat/bread/etc.

Lyn said...

CatherineMarie~

a good percentage of Medifast products are gluten free, which is probably why I did so well on it and had an almost complete disappearance of headaches, pain, and getting sick when I was doing it strictly the first 8 months. I was looking at the gluten free list and the foods I was eating the most often are all gluten free, including the pancakes, hot cocoa, whey based shakes, all the puddings, puffs, cold drinks, soft bake and brownie, cereals, sloppy joes, some soups and the soft serves. I look back and I felt SO good during those first 8 months, I am hopeful I will get there again.

Aside from the obvious weight issue, the PAIN is what is driving me to this decision. Unless one has lived with chronic, daily pain for months on end, it's hard to fathom the effect it can have on a person not just physically but emotionally and mentally. I am really at a breaking point with the pain... both the foot pain and the intermittant (but lately recurring) migraines and other headaches.

But yes, I do plan to slowly sub out Medifast meals with real food/low carb substitutes once I get my weight and the pain under control.

Anonymous said...

Lyn, sometimes when people's well meaning suggestions are not followed they become incensed and vitriolic. What is more, they do not seem to believe what you present as your truth.

Despite the fact that those who do everything "right" get stuck or even gain when they are attempting to lose those last couple of pounds, they doubt the veracity of your statements. The parallels seem to escape them and they prefer to believe you are being less than truthful, just as you indicated in your post.
This aspect of your blogging must feel quite horrendous. Those who support and admire you probably do so based on traits that have little to do with your success or failure regarding weight loss and more to do with the fact that you are elegant in the way you take the high road. Despite appearances to the contrary, even mean people probably dislike other mean and cruel people but as long as they are not mean to them but to you, all is good in the land of blogging.

Alana in Canada said...

1)I'm so sorry you feel so alone. I had a long long period of that in my life. It is tough.
2) Do everything you can to mnage your pain. That's more important than anything--and if that means taking some weight off with medifast, so be it.
3) Please do some research into metabolism.
4) Stress and lack of sleep cause weight gain. The fact that you haven't budged with the stress of this pain is good news.
5) {Hugs}

16 blessings'mom said...

Lyn, I am sorry you feel so alone. But as one of the anonymous comments states, you are "elegant in the way you take the high road". I love the way you dodge through the comments, never taking the low shots back even when you are doubted or your methods questioned. I am totally impressed by your diligence, and you inspire me. I hope the Medifast works and your pain goes away.

della

Taryl said...

If this is the course you're comfortable taking, I'm rooting for you, Lyn! Pain is awful, as is being heavy, and the health problem with both in you case would likely benefit from weight reduction. I still would urge a lower carb approach just based on my own experimentation, but at this point you know your body better than we readers do, and making the decision you're feeling good about is worth a lot, just for the peace of mind and plan of action it gives you (even if the specifics are not ideal).

Keep is posted and hang in there. Pain is intensely personal and life altering, I hope yours comes under control and resolution as soon as possible :(