Second post today...
I am not sure why but I started getting really emotional today. I was going back and reading some of my old blog posts and got really choked up. Do you remember when I had my Train Wreck dream back in March 2011? I was up about ten pounds from my low of 175, trying to get it back off. Not two months after that dream, I began slowly sliding back up the hell scale, ending 2011 at 214 pounds. I read that post today and remembered that dream and how I felt, and I wanted to cry. I REMEMBER the beginning of the regain, I remember the struggle and how helpless I felt. I knew it was happening. The brake was gone.
My blog is full... truly full of my life. Five YEARS of my life chronicled day by day and when I start going back and reading it is very emotional. I see where I am now, which mimics where I was in 2009 where I began and ended that year weighing 230 pounds, down from 278 but stuck... oh so stuck. I have felt stuck again for SO long, not in a not-doing-anything kind of way, but it a running-in-place way. I have spent most of this year in the high-two-teens and while I get my share of criticism for what I am or am not doing, I know in my own heart and mind I am doing my best in the circumstances I have with what I've got. Others could do better, I am sure, but this is MY best. I want to cry it out sometimes... "I am giving all I've got!" Somehow that should be enough, but it's not. I just keep going, working at it, trying, doing the best I can for what I have.
I folded three pairs of jeans and put them in the overflowing "too small" clothes tub in my room today. Not that I outgrew them recently, but that when the weather changed and I pulled out the long pants, almost nothing fits. I have two pairs that fit, and seem to be getting a little looser, but who knows? I am discouraged, on the one hand... wanting to just go to sleep and wake up thin, feeling terribly frustrated that my efforts are getting me no where with weight loss, sick of the pain and of being sick, yet on the other hand I am determined to get the weight off NO MATTER WHAT IT TAKES, and I do not mean risking life or health but I do mean pushing myself into some really uncomfortable places, forcing myself to do things that are not easy for me, even if people are critical or unsupportive. If I had someone, anyone, in my real life who KNOWS me and loves me to bounce things off of, how nice that would be. If I had a mother or a sister or a cousin, anything... someone to say "I wouldn't do that" or "That sounds worth a try" it would make it easier, just to have someone look in my eyes with love, having them ask me tomorrow how it's going, giving me feedback on how I am doing... but even with so, so many supportive, kind friends who read and comment here, when I shut the laptop, I am alone in this.
Well, enough of that. Tomorrow I weigh, tomorrow I am starting a two day detox, and then I am restarting Medifast.
2 days ago