Sometimes I think I am getting somewhere with this whole weight loss thing, even though the scale isn't moving right now. And sometimes I think I am running in place, watching the hamster wheel spinning, getting nowhere.
Realistically, I see the progress. I am more than 60 pounds down from the start. I've made huge changes in my habits, from not drinking soda to quitting fast food and from being a regular customer at the Farmer's Market to being a regular at the gym. I've made big changes. The biggest one... the one I am proudest of... is that I stopped binge eating. Completely. It's been so long I don't even remember the last time I had a frantic eating frenzy like I used to do, consuming thousands of calories at one sitting. I no longer sit stuffed and in shame after that kind of loss of control. It's gone. I did a lot of work to get there... a lot of mental, emotional work... much of it right here on my blog as I processed my thoughts, emotions, and memories. That's a big deal.
But in the day to day life with my size 16 pants and a 40-pound regain in the mirror, I get tired. I see the same things over and over. I count calories, I cook, I exercise, I eat, I write, and yet it feels sometimes like I have gotten nowhere with my weight. I think that's because my new normal is so... normal. Yes, I am eons from the 278 pound binge eater I was five years ago. The distance between us is enormous. Mentally we are not even the same anymore. But the me that has vacillated around 217 pounds for so long seems very familiar. Too familiar, and I want change. I change, but the scale doesn't reflect it. Yet.
I guess this is where a lot of people give up. I've felt like that. Even today, I thought for a fleeting instant about how it would feel to just come and post, "I give up" and be done. But then what would I do? Go back to binge eating? Morbid obesity? No, I am done with that. I've thought many times about just maintaining where I am. I am good at maintaining here. It's not that hard. It's work, but I can do it, as I've shown. But you know, I just don't want to stay here. I personally do not LIKE being this size, I am not willing to give up and be here, I do not like being unable to do the things I want to do.
Enough about that. For more than six months I have been battling plantar fasciitis. The pain in my feet has been disabling at times. I've had to give up walking and some of my dog training due to the pain. I have done everything the doctor said to do. I have done the stretches, rolled my feet on frozen water bottles and golf balls, wore special orthotic inserts, stayed off my feet and never go barefoot. I've taken tons of NSAIDS and then eventually switched to fish oil and turmeric for inflammation control. I'm off sugar and grains. I thought it was on the mend when I went to that specialty store and had my feet scanned and measured for shoes. I have shoes and slippers that should be perfect for my feet, with great arch support, yet I am in extreme pain whenever I walk. My quality of life and activity level have gone way, way down. I think I am about 70% less active now than I was in the spring, all because of the pain. So finally today I was able to find a new specialist, get a referral, and get an appointment for next week. Something has to give. I cannot live like this. It's just too painful and limiting. Hopefully they will figure out what's going on and help me solve the problem so I can get back to the activity level I crave.
A Message to Open my Eyes
6 hours ago