I am so freaking mad today about the state of my body. I don't know what hit me today but I am so angry I could blow! Here I have been so calm and zen and at peace with the whole process... just "never give up" and "eat right, exercise, it'll eventually work out" and not stressing terribly about it and just suddenly this morning I woke up, got on the scale and saw 219, smoke came rolling out of my ears, my face scrinched up and I stomped into the bedroom, put on jeans fresh out of the dryer and thought THIS IS JUST UNACCEPTABLE!! I FEEL LIKE A STUFFED SAUSAGE IN MY OWN CLOTHES. I AM IN PAIN, I AM NOT LOSING WEIGHT AND ALL THIS EFFORT IS FOR
Yeah, I got a little ticked off. I have worked harder in the past month on my weight than I ever have. Even when I totally do not feel like it I go to the gym and work out. Even when my feet are killing me, even when I am exhausted, even when I would rather stay home I get up and I go in there and I give it my very best effort. I work hard. I push myself, I come out of there soaked with sweat. I set aside the hobbies I want to do and instead I spent time lifting or swimming or walking, or shopping for veggies and cooking healthy stuff. And I have been at peace with that, even though after a week of working out I saw the scale go UP, I stayed off the scale for weeks and just focused on my health. Drink water, eat right, plenty of protein, no crap, NO overeating. I logged a few days. I never go over 1800 calories and that was a one time thing. 1500 is more the norm.
It pisses me off that I am working so hard on this just to stay the same weight.
I look back on this year. I started 2012 at 201 pounds, I went through Medifast Transition and in March I was 217 pounds. And EVERY SINGLE MONTH since then I have seen 217 pounds on the scale at some point in each month! I am so sick of 217! Up and down the same 5 pounds over and over for seven months now! And it didn't matter if I was counting calories, it didn't matter if I was Primal or Paleo, grain free or not, exercising or not.... 2-freaking-17. All. The. Time.
I was so sure going to the gym(s) and burning off calories and building muscle would turn it around. I am NOT binge eating, I am NOT even remotely pigging out. ONCE this month I had two cookies. And that was like, "the big off plan event" of the month. I've had blood work. I've had thyroid tests. I don't appear to have any health conditions this can be pinned on. I switched to black coffee. I don't drink soda or eat fast food. I am 90% grain free and sugar free and 90% free from artificial sweeteners. My eating is better than it has ever been and I am exercising more than I have in YEARS and I get on the scale and it is 219. My size 18 pants are tight. And the smoke is just ROLLING out of my ears from the madness.
I don't even know what the answer is. I can measure and write down what I eat until the cows come home but my weight is NOT going down. But all I can do is keep doing it, and hope that somewhere along the line I will find the answer, somewhere, somehow...
Fighting against the current.
1 day ago