You know what sucks? It sucks that I still like to use food for comfort, when stress is high and I need relief. I don't binge. I don't even go on junk runs to the store to get "special" comfort foods. I just... eat. I start putting things in my mouth for no reason. Dumb stuff, like a tablespoon of peanut butter or a slice of cheese. It is ridiculous, I know I am doing it, I mentally justify it as "it's not a candy bar, it's not fast food, I didn't go out and BUY it out of compulsion, it's not a large amount, it's just one piece" but it just snowballs. It is so dumb. I hate it. I can have a nice healthy breakfast of eggs and veggies and maybe a piece of fruit, and then I get stressed out about things I have no control over and rather than use the other coping mechanisms I have learned, I turn around and make a piece of toast or something when I am not even hungry.
This is nothing new; I have gone through phases like this before. It is just frustrating because I know better, I have other ways of coping, I don't NEED to pick 5 olives out of a jar and eat them to relieve stress. But I do it. It's a habit, I guess, a long-ingrained habit that I've modified so that instead of a complete Big Mac meal at 3pm I have 6 crackers or a cup of coffee, but still. I don't like it. But the thing is, nothing cuts the stress like a few bites of food. Maybe it is those old neural pathways that take so long to die. Maybe it is the remnants of binge eating disorder where I used to get frantic, go on a crazy shopping spree, then come home and secretly eat a couple thousand calories of junk in order to get relief. I guess now I don't get the big *hit* of relief I got from that kind of binge; I eat a few cashews... like 5 or 6 nuts.... and I get the relief feeling. But it is not the slide into paradise (and shame) that bingeing used to be. I dunno, it really just sucks. I tell myself "just stop it" and I do, for days or weeks, and then suddenly 3 or 4 emotionally stressful things happen and I find myself eating a couple of pretzels to calm myself down.
I know people will give me all kinds of alternatives and tell me to do other things instead, or to just knock it off or walk away or whatever. I know those things. It is actually doing them that is the struggle for me lately.
Food on the Brain
7 hours ago