Lately, I have been enjoying quite a bit of delving into the past *and letting it go.* I have mentioned before about how I have a lot of *stuff* in my house... too much stuff, stuff I never use, stuff I "can't" get rid of. Suffocating stuff. Well, it has gotten a lot better over the last couple of years as I shed the physical and emotional weight that was holding me down. I sent a lot of stuff to Goodwill, or sold it on Ebay, or gave it to people who needed it. But still, some things linger. And clutter.
So lately, as I said, I've gotten another urge to purge! I get in a mindset of *becoming more free* sometimes (which shows up as me doing things like going out to a public pool in my bathing suit or swinging on the park swings with my kids) and I just want to be rid of those nagging little things in my life that have been bugging me.
Example: I have a lot of old computers lying around. Or I used to. In fact, I had every single PC and laptop I have owned since 1997 sitting around the house. Why? Why. Well there are always the obvious reasons for what we do, but then there are the secret (real) reasons, too:
I needed to get the files off the hard drives.
It's broken but maybe I can fix it and one of the kids could use it for something.
Maybe I can get it running and sell it.
I don't want the info on the hard drives getting into some stranger's hands.
There are memories I am afraid of on those computers.
There are files full of painful emails and pictures and reminders on those computers.
Maybe I will see something I wanted to permanently forget on those computers.
My exes used those computers.
If I look at the Favorites I will be transported back in time... I will have to relive it.
But I just can't trash it all. I just can't let it go.
You know, it's not all that complicated. It's not that terribly hard. Okay, maybe it is for a few minutes, or an hour, or whatever, but then it is done and you LET IT GO. And it feels really, really good to be completely rid of those ghosts... let me tell you.
My son has been helping me. We've been dismantling computers, hooking hard drives together, transferring data, using cables and flash drives, deleting, formatting, recycling. Computers have been going out the door to their new destinies left and right and I am not done yet. But when I am done it will be so nice. No more hard drive ghosts. All of the files in one place. All the stuff I wanted to forget, erased and I never have to think about it again unless I choose to.
Isn't all our stuff like that? We have our reasons and then we have our *Reasons.* It seems like certain tasks are *so* overwhelming, like sorting boxes of personal things or going through pictures or making that phone call. But we have to face the *Reasons* and just get through it and live. You know? Not sit and languish in the ominous shadow of that stuff for years.
I do need to address my weight and eating and exercise; that is actually part of my *stuff*. But instead of formulating a plan and writing out a schedule, I just go get on the darn bike when I can. I look at the food in front of me and try to be reasonable with it. I can't obsess about diets and schedules and hours at the gym because my mental energy needs to go to other places... important places... but my PHYSICAL energy can be channeled into walking and biking and active living as well as healthy shopping and food prep and eating. I am finally learning to separate the two: mental energy and physical energy. I no longer have to figure it out; I just have to do it. I have done the mental work and am able to refocus that mental energy now onto the things that have nagged at me for years. For *me*, this has been key. I no longer feel pulled in every direction. I am freeing up my mental resources this way, and it feels really good.
I have more to say, but it can wait. Good night!
2 days ago