I have been at this a really long time. Not the Primal thing, but the 'weight loss journey' in general. We are coming up on my five year anniversary of blogging. And before I blogged, I had many, many stints of trying to lose weight, diet, do a lifestyle change, see nutritionists, etc etc. This has been the *only* time in my life I was able to lose more than 40 pounds, *and* the only time I have kept any large chunk of weight off for more than six or eight months. That is a huge success! But it also feels like a failure sometimes, because I am still fat. Yeah, 60+ pounds less fat than I was at the start, but still. It gets old.
This isn't to whine, but to say that when I look back over my blog I see how *happy* I am when I am on a long-term downward slide with the weight. Doesn't matter the method; losing weight and seeing changes in my body and feeling better and lighter makes me happy. Sure, other things make me happy too. But trying to lose weight and not seeing it happen does suck. I haven't ever given up or stopped trying, and I won't. But I can always tell when I am on the right path by the happiness factor.
When I began and was just eating less junk and more produce and starting to walk, I was happy.
When I changed to calorie counting and biking, I was happy.
When I did Medifast, I was happy.
Not to say that all the times in between were *unhappy,* because they weren't... aren't. I find joy in my life, my hobbies, love, my children, little things. But there is this nagging lack of happiness about my body/weight/health/eating. And when that is going on, I am either *not* losing weight, or just losing and gaining the same 10 pounds for months.
I miss the happiness of seeing the weight come off, feeling better, taking pride in my accomplishment. I miss the happiness in *this aspect* of my life... this little compartmentalized eating-and-exercise box I have built for myself. I miss looking in the mirror and seeing a healthier person every week. I miss trading in the fat clothes for smaller ones, and taking progress pictures every ten pounds. I miss that a lot.
I am sticking with this Primal eating because I am hopeful it will be the thing to bring back my pleasure in eating and moving again. I am crossing my fingers and whispering "please please please let this be it" while looking to the heavens. I am wishing every night to wake up the next morning headache-free and full of energy. It SHOULD happen. It makes sense for it to happen. I am eating better than I have in a long time... at least I think I am. But I am not really happy with it, not yet. I have simplified *so much* this week, cutting out things that *might* be an issue: dark chocolate, roasted nuts, milk, lattes. I am cutting down on other things like dairy ad fruit. And yet, the happiness has not come. Granted, I am only 12 days into Primal eating. But when I started those other ways of losing weight, the happiness came in mere days. Two, three days in I *knew* I was on the right track, and that propelled me forward. Now? I am going on faith. *You* propel me forward. Believing in those of you who have done this... believing in the Primal Blueprint... propels me. It's not coming from within. I feel like crap. But I have faith that another week, two weeks, cleaner eating, less of this, none of that, might be the key and I will wake up and know I am on the right path.
Life is good. Happiness is there with my children, in my home, in my daily life... but not in my eating and moving. Not yet. I hope it comes. I won't give up.
A Message to Open my Eyes
6 hours ago