The rainy, dreary day matches my somber mood today.
I went to the vet this morning to pick up the pre-euthanasia sedative for my old dog. It is truly heartbreaking. I don't know how I'll do it.
I long for the comfort of a warm, sweet latte and a soft fresh donut to soothe my sadness as I listen to the rain fall outside. I remember the days when there was no pain that could not be drowned out by a banana split and some onions rings. It was numbing, truly. It always worked, except when my mother died in my arms. It didn't work then, and the agony leaked out of every pore of my body as I wept and wept, no matter how many boxes of Tastycakes I ate. That was the only time food didn't stop my pain, at least temporarily.
Now, I just have to sit with it. The tears keep welling up in my eyes, over and over, because there is nothing to stop the undercurrent of sadness. I have nothing to numb myself with. It's sharp, it's ever-present, it's not going to go away. Someday it will, but not today.
I look at him and he wags his tail and my heart breaks and I am ashamed that he trusts me and I am going to take him to his death. I know it is best for him; he has suffered enough. But he looks at me with those hazy, half-blind eyes and he loves me unconditionally and I am going to drive off with him and come home without him. I don't know how I can do it.
I wish I could lessen the pain of this coming loss, but to do so would disrespect his life. To eat myself into some false, semi-peaceful, sugar-high state in the face of taking him to die would be the coward's way out. He deserves to have an owner who mourns his passing. He deserves to have me feel his loss fully and cry for him... not leave his body at the vet and race to a drive-thru for a burger and fries to forget about him. He gave himself to me fully for thirteen years. He deserves to have tears shed for him.
And so they will be shed.
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