Monday, June 4, 2012

Loss

The rainy, dreary day matches my somber mood today.

I went to the vet this morning to pick up the pre-euthanasia sedative for my old dog. It is truly heartbreaking. I don't know how I'll do it.

I long for the comfort of a warm, sweet latte and a soft fresh donut to soothe my sadness as I listen to the rain fall outside. I remember the days when there was no pain that could not be drowned out by a banana split and some onions rings. It was numbing, truly. It always worked, except when my mother died in my arms. It didn't work then, and the agony leaked out of every pore of my body as I wept and wept, no matter how many boxes of Tastycakes I ate. That was the only time food didn't stop my pain, at least temporarily.

Now, I just have to sit with it. The tears keep welling up in my eyes, over and over, because there is nothing to stop the undercurrent of sadness. I have nothing to numb myself with. It's sharp, it's ever-present, it's not going to go away. Someday it will, but not today.

I look at him and he wags his tail and my heart breaks and I am ashamed that he trusts me and I am going to take him to his death. I know it is best for him; he has suffered enough. But he looks at me with those hazy, half-blind eyes and he loves me unconditionally and I am going to drive off with him and come home without him. I don't know how I can do it.

I wish I could lessen the pain of this coming loss, but to do so would disrespect his life. To eat myself into some false, semi-peaceful, sugar-high state in the face of taking him to die would be the coward's way out. He deserves to have an owner who mourns his passing. He deserves to have me feel his loss fully and cry for him... not leave his body at the vet and race to a drive-thru for a burger and fries to forget about him. He gave himself to me fully for thirteen years. He deserves to have tears shed for him.

And so they will be shed.

48 comments:

Anonymous said...

My sympathies for your loss. I have had to put a dog to sleep before as well as a kitty cat and it was SO HARD but I did get through it and now have happy memories. A peaceful passing is the most humane thing to do Lyn. God Bless you.

Hugs,
Noxie

Lissa said...

A peaceful cessation of pain is the last gift a good owner can give a dog.
Http://rainbowsbridge.com/poem.htm

Jeanette said...

I just wanted you to know I fully and completely empathize with you in this situation and I am crying for you and your pet :(

Taking my dog (my best friend!) to the vet to be put to sleep two years ago wrenched me in half. Feeling that pain was almost unbearable... but also necessary. When he was finally at peace, I could start to work towards mine.

I will be thinking of you.

Karen said...

Oh Lyn, I cannot tell you have sorry I am. This just never gets easier.

Jordan said...

This is just like what happened to our old dog. :( He was 13 years old, had glaucoma and diabetes. Somewhere in there it does feel like a betrayal of their trust, but it was definitely the right & necessary thing.

Deb Willbefree said...

Oh, Lyn, I'm so sorry. I know how hard this is. Please remind yourself of what you know. You are not betraying his trust; you are answering it.

As hard as it is, you are performing an act of sacrifice and compassion FOR him. It would be selfish to allow him to continue suffering.

I know. It doesn't feel like that. I'm so sorry. I'd be crying buckets.

Is there someone who can drive you to and from the vets? It would be a good thing, for safety's sake. It's hard to drive and cry at the same time.

Deb

Deb

timothy said...

there's not a gosh darn thing i can say to ease your pain, i've been there. we just had to put my roomies 13 year old chow mix down. he was blind/deaf/ and could barely walk. we made the appointment and she was devastated.....when they took him in the vet said he was in congestive heart failure and would have lived maybe 2 more days in horrible pain. so it wound up being a blessing. sometimes love means having to do those horrible awful things that tear our insides out but love means doing what's best for them. God bless you sweetie, if you need anything just let me know, sending prayers your way! xoxoxoxoxoxo

Anonymous said...

Hey Lyn. You and your family will be in my thoughts. Hugs to all of you.

June said...

My heart is breaking for you, Lyn. This is the very worst and the most painful aspect of having a pet in our lives. I've had to take two of my cats to the vet's, and it was the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

Every single word you've written here touched me so deeply, so profoundly. I completely understand and emphathise with your heartbreak, your heartache, your pain. I know how much you love your beautiful dog, and you would rather do anything else than to have to do this. I felt that way, too. As does every person who has heartbreakingly had to go through this.

I wish so much that I could hug you and comfort you, Lyn. I know this is so very, profoundly and deeply painful and heartbreaking. I am crying as I'm typing this - for you, for your loss, for your beautiful dog that knows how much you love and have loved him all these years, and remembering how I felt all these same feelings when I had to take my beloved cats to end their suffering. It broke my heart, Lyn, and I wished to God I could've (and would've) done anything I could to spare them and save them, but they were in such pain towards the end, that I knew I had no other choice.

Please know that we all understand, and that we know how much this hurts and how your heart is breaking. I will say a prayer for your dog, and light a candle for him, so he can find his way to the Rainbow Bridge, where I know and believe that he, like all the other beloved pets we have lost, are happy and healthy, and playing.

Bless the beasts and the children..light their way when the darkness surrounds them...give them love...let it shine all around them...keep them safe...keep them warm...
(from a song I have loved and listened to that has comforted me in times of great sadness after losing a wonderful and beautiful furry friend, by The Carpenters).

God bless you Lyn, and peace be with you and your beloved dog.

With much love and a sad and heavy heart, June

Andra said...

I am truly and deeply sorry for you and your old pup. I can't even imagine.

Anonymous said...

You can only mourn big if you love big. Xox

Anonymous said...

Oh, Lyn, I'm so sorry to hear it. Every pet owner who has been there feels your pain.

LHA said...

My heart goes out to you. Doing the humane thing for a beloved pet is one of the most difficult things ever. I have had to do it alone several times. Just remember you are doing a kindness for your pet and you are both lucky to have had each other to share life for these past years. May you find peace in the happy memories.

Anonymous said...

So sorry, Lyn. I had to put my old dog down after 13 years of total dedication and love. We just found out today that our "new" dog
(of 8 1/2 years)has cancer and only has a prognosis of 2-3 weeks. I join you in your grief and sadness - and not turning to food for comfort. May you find peace.

VALERIA said...

This is just SO inspiring.

Sorry for your pain. But you are incredibly strong.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts. It will help me to keep on track.

Heather's House said...

I know how you feel. It is such a sad thing to do. Just remember maybe your old dog is looking at you with those sad eyes telling you it's time. They put their trust in you to make their last few days comfortable for them. I hope that you are making it a family affair since they are such an important part of the family. It is always a hard decision but one that must be done.

Thinking of you and sending hugs. It truly is heartbreaking but things do get better, although you never stopping missing them.

Human In Progress said...

I think the choice to feel raw and mourn him fully is one of great integrity and maturity.

MargieAnne said...

I'm sorry.

May tou find some comfort in knowing you are doing what is best for your faithful friend.

Blessings

Spaghetti Cat said...

You are easing his suffering, and as such you aren't breaking his trust Lyn. ((hugs)) I am so sorry you are dealing with the loss of such a great friend.

Michelle said...

I shed tears for your loss as well. I'm sorry. You're a wonderful, caring, and admirable person to have the strength to get through everything you're going through.

Vickie said...

13 years of his company was a real gift. Good that you are working thru grief. Also good your kids will learn how to feel and deal. Sorry for your loss.

(I just read OF MICE AND MEN and there was a similar dog scene in it and then a bigger similar scene. It really stayed with me.)

Good your vet is helping you with this. Take care.

Okiebelle said...

I am so sorry. I had to do that with a dog we had a couple of years ago. It is hard.

Anonymous said...

I think a driver is a great idea, for safety and a soft caring shoulder. Grief stings like acid, but if u eat it away it will simply come back to haunt another day. Very wise to plow through it now. Shoulders back, chin up, youll get through this with time. My simpathies.

Diana said...

I'm so very sorry Lyn. I knew this was coming, and I was dreading this post. This is just another reason I adore you, the way you love your animals as though they were members of your family, which they are of course. I feel the same way.

I know there aren't any words I can say to ease the pain. Just know that I'm thinking of you and pray you will find peace with this decision. An easy thing for me to say, a really difficult thing to do.

Take care Lyn. Be kind to yourself.

Mel's Blog said...

I am so sorry you are having to go thru this, pets are family. We have a lab that is 16 years old and have been debating about having to do the same thing you are, I just can't think about doing it, I pray just let Rose pass peacefully in her sleep. Sending be hugs your way.

Karen said...

Sorry to hear of your loss. Very painful but good to feel your feelings and grieve rather than eat.

Brandi said...

I have read here for a long time, but just didn't really comment. So many times I have been moved or inspired by your journey in losing the weight, by your self-sacrificing love for your family, and by your ever-present determination to make a good life.

But having recently lost a dog to euthanasia myself ... his epilepsy was beyond help ... he was only a pup barely more than a year old, but so full of life and joy and boundless energy, trust and love and always affection ... I am moved to tears, both in memory of my little furry guy and in sorrow for your pain.

My prayers, as always, are with you.

Sara™ said...

As I watch my precious kitty chase a rattle mousie around the floor while reading this, my heart breaks for you. Even when you know you are doing the right thing it still hurts like heck. My sympathies for your loss Lyn!

Claire Aguilar said...

You have had a beautiful time with your dog for 13 years, and the mutual love and trust to prove it. What a beautiful tribute. I had to lose my beloved Franklin (Siamese cat) a month ago - thankfully he died peacefully, but I agonized about euthanasia. But by all accounts, they are over the rainbow now - chasing mice and squirrels and having a wonderful time after their short time on earth. Big hugs to you Lyn.

Diandra said...

He loves you because he knows you will do what is best for him.

Anonymous said...

I am sorry for your loss. So sorry. I hope you can carry all the beautiful memories which you have had with him in your mind.

Moosecat said...

tears for you and your family. nothing else i can say.

Mary said...

I'm so sorry, Lyn. My heart goes out to you. I hope you find peace in knowing that you're doing the most loving thing for your dog. I'm pulling for you...stay strong. I know very well how hard it can be to not eat your feelings.

beverly said...

I'm so sorry for your loss Lyn.

I wanted to let you know that I am making my way through "Addiction to Perfection" that I recommended to you last week. It is a slow going, dense text. It makes me think of you so much as it deals with mother issues. I'll probably keep recommending it to you until I see you post about it or at least say you got a copy and are reading it. I am putting a lot of faith in it, and my therapist, to understand my struggle to lose weight.

Anonymous said...

I know how you feel - I honestly do!

I had a mutt dog that was with me for 7 years... had to put her down 2 years ago because of doggie cancer.

Soon after, I adopted another (lab/pit). Last year I had to put her down, she had a rare blood disorder; no fat in her blood. She was wasting away with no hope for a cure.

The last dog standing: my 12 year old mutt, who has been with me for 12 years. She has a tumor, but since it doesn't seem to bother her and she's still in good spirits mentally, I'm waiting til the last possible moment. 2 dogs in 2 years.. not another one *sniff* not yet.

I feel your pain Lyn

Anonymous said...

Hi Lyn, My thoughts are with you today. It is such a hard decision to make, but your little dog knows how much you love him. And we can be grateful that we can help them move on.

Several years ago I had to deal with this too, too old dogs 15 and 16 within four months of each other. It was so hard. But something that made it easier was that I was able to find a vet that came to our house and our dogs were with us, holding them on their own pillows. I think it made it easier, for sure on us, and on them too. They were at home and not in an office.

My prayers are with you and your beloved dog.

Shelly

Lynn said...

I am so, so sorry for your loss. We have lost 3 great dogs in the 22 years my hubby and I have been married. Our oldest now is 12 and she won't be with us much longer. They give us so much....love, comfort, laughter....It's so hard when they go. My puppy is only 1.5 and she has my heart and soul...she fills my life since we are now empty nesters. I would be lost without her and she'll be lost without George when her time comes. I'll be thinking of you and praying for comfort for you.

Tina said...

Hugs Lynn. I love my dogs more than anything and it's so hard but you are helping him - not betraying him and someday you will be reunited!

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry for what you are going through. You are so right, it is a horrible tug-of-war to decide it is time for the suffering to end, and to see that sweet face trusting you all the way to the end. Losing a pet, even after a long, happy life, is a special kind of grief. They aren't human, but nonetheless they take a peice of your heart with them. Bless you and your sweet dog.

underneath the bunker said...

I am SO sorry. I love animals so much, and I know how hard it is to do the right thing ... how wrong it feels.

At my office, there was a wonderful stray cat we named and fed for years. She was everyone's mascot. She had to be put to sleep last fall, and I had an awful time. I still do, every day when I walk past her favorite spots. But after about a week, I imagined cat heaven as a lovely field she would get to play in, and envisioned her at the gate, looking back before she ran in there. It helped ... a little.

Anonymous said...

Awww, (((HUGS)))), I am so sorry! We had to put our beloved cat to sleep at age 13 too, it was one of the hardest things I've ever done.

My mother also died with me holding her hand. My words to her were the final words she heard. It was truly the hardest thing I've ever done. I am ashamed to admit that I fell off the Medifast plan so hard after she passed away, and I gained back most of the 40 pounds I had lost (still had 60 to go.) I just couldn't cope without somehow numbing the pain.

That was back in September. I am finally back on and recommitted, but I can truly understand your pain and the lure of food for emotional comfort. My heart goes out to you.

(((((HUGS))))), Maria

Allison Clow said...

I am sorry for your loss. My family and I went through that a few years ago...it is so hard but, you are doing the right thing. It will get better one day.

Leslie said...

Went through this with my beloved Lou just over a year ago. So sad for us, but animals are so accepting - they just pass through to the next place. My thoughts are with you. This is the kindest and most benevolent act for a suffering animal. And agonizing for us humans who love them.

bbubblyb said...

So sorry about your beloved dog, yes just remember all his love and the love you gave him. *big hug*

Anonymous said...

Hi Lyn:
I mentioned in an earlier email that my Westie was fading and I shared your sadness. Yesterday I took her in to be euthanized. She died so peacefully in my arms-it's such a blessing that we can do this for our dogs. The sadness is from losing them, seeing them get old and wishing their lives equaled ours. The death itself is not the hard part. Someone else mentioned that they had to do it alone. Me too. When I got to the vets yesterday, the attendant asked me, "Is your husband coming?" "Are you kidding?" I replied. "He's home crying his eyes out."
My thoughts are with you,
Marianne

Jane said...

I am so sorry for what you are going through Lyn ... my heart really is breaking for you! I can't imagine the pain you are feeling ... thinking of you! xoxox

Anonymous said...

I'm really sorry. It was just a little over a year ago that my doggie passed. I miss him so much,
-CAH

Anna Down Under said...

Went through it a year ago myself, it was so HARD, and I did all the guilt stuff too, same thing you said above - she trusted us! She thought she'd come back home with us! I felt awful and sometimes I still do, but I know she was suffering and it had to be done. It's never easy, my heart goes out to you.