I have been spinning my wheels on this weight thing for SO long. It really is like having a car stuck in the mud: give it a rev, wheels spin fast, mud flings up, go nowhere. Sit a while in your spot, think, gear up, and try again.
But the scenery is getting so, so old.
Throw some sand down, try again. Stick a piece of cardboard under the tire, try again. Maybe some cat litter to dry out the mud, try again. Anything to gain some traction and get out of this spot. But it gets deeper and deeper the more you rev. Have a push from some friends, keep trying.
Eventually everyone gets their car out of the rut.
My entire energy has been so distracted from weight loss. I know lots of people claim they just fix their healthy meals and eat them and go for their 5-mile run everyday no matter what. Okay, that is awesome! I wish I was there. I guess we are all different, because it takes quite a bit of focus and mental energy for me to lose weight. It always has. I know others feel this way too. It's not really about the physical work or the time needed to grocery shop, prepare healthy meals, weigh out portions, count calories, and exercise. It is about them mental dedication... the mental resources... that it takes to do those things AND the other important things in life. Yes, if those things become *automatic*, they require far less focus. But until they are, it feels like being so, so torn.
Very few things are more important than my health. And even those things are *dependent* on my health. I mean, what good am I to anyone if I am unwell, hospitalized, or dead? I know I have to put my health first. But on a daily basis, in the nitty gritty of life, that is easier said than done. It is all nice and good to say "put on your own mask first!" and other such (true) sayings, but when it comes down to a child crying in pain, I am not going to leave her crying on the couch while I go off to ride my exercise bike for 20 minutes or make a salad.
And for me, it often *is*a matter of choosing to set my goals aside to put someone else first. I've gotten very good at saying "no" to others who ask for my time and energy; unfortunately this has resulted in some alienation, because when you say "no" to people enough times, they stop asking. They don't always understand how thin you are stretched. They go away. And the circle gets smaller.
Anyway, lately it seems like there is always something. And I am coming to terms with the fact there that will always *be* something. I will always have something else that is "more important" than my own needs, simply because I have five kids. Even when they are adults (and some of them are), they will have medical crises and life events or issues that need my attention. And if I keep throwing my own needs out the window every time they need me, I am just going to deteriorate physically. I need to find a way to balance their needs with mine. Sometimes it is not as simple as it looks.
But I can't keep spinning my wheels. I need to get out of this rut.