Wednesday, May 23, 2012

On Things Sucking

I know how it looks to the passerby. You stop by my blog and see a lot of what looks like complaining if you don't know me or haven't read before. Trust me, it gets to me too. I have lately felt like a massive whiner sometimes. But this is the only place I really vent. It has always been my safe haven where I am completely open about my feelings. And lately my feelings have been not so awesome. I won't hide that... it is what it is... and expressing my feelings here *does* help me cope. And honestly the comments and emails I get keep me going some days. I thank you for that. And I hope things turn around for me soon and my feelings become more positive, and thus my blog more positive.

Frankly, I am overwhelmed. I can say here "my older dog is dying" or "my child is sick again" or "my refrigerator is broken" and you understand the pain and frustration behind that. But the nitty gritty details are what I face daily. You can pass by and *hear* the words but if you looked in my window, you'd see me

kneeling on the tile with my sweet old dog, cleaning up the urine because he couldn't make it out the dog door
petting him and trying to say goodbye, and then going upstairs and breaking down in tears
giving him meds wrapped in cheese and carrying him outside to potty and my heart breaking when he looks confused and cannot figure out how to get back inside the house
calling the vet and talking about sedation prior to euthanasia
talking to each of my kids about his condition
mixing 3 medications into a bowl of cat food for the old cat with pancreatitis
frantically dialing the vet again when the puppy jumps on the counter and eats that bowl of medicated cat food
waking up at 5am and holding my sick child for hours, stroking her hair, wishing her pain away
calling doctors and specialists yet again, missing school yet again, sitting on the couch with my sick child
throwing out lots of $$$ of rancid food because the fridge isn't working right
calling repairman after repairman who is booked up and can't come, and waiting by the phone in case one of them has a cancellation and can come by
wondering what we are going to eat until Tuesday if we can't use the fridge and can't go out with a sick child
trying to pry my stubborn teenager out of bed to go to school so he doesn't get detention
making arrangements for my younger boys to go with their father for the summer
taking antibiotics, coughing, and wondering WHEN I am going to get better

My days are constrained by sickness. I have a wonderful social group of friends that I was seeing almost daily with dog activities while the kids were in school, but this month I have missed almost every class, meeting, and practice and so I do feel more isolated. I do feel more whiney and complainy. And I am not going to swallow it and pretend I am happy when I am not. I am *working* towards happiness, making "thankful" lists with my daughter each night and trying to focus on what is good and how blessed I am in my life. But you know, sometimes things suck and it is okay to feel bad about it. I would just like things to stop sucking for awhile.

Because of the fridge problem I am having Medifast for my meals at the moment, which I was thinking about doing anyway. At least I won't get food poisoning from packets! I haven't figured out dinner but the freezer is still working ok, so I can thaw some meat and I think the fresh veggies in the fridge, though wilted, should be fine to eat even though they got warm. But yeah, this morning when I was looking at the spoiled yogurt etc I was glad to be able to open a packet and get some decent nutrition for breakfast without risk.

That's all for now.

24 comments:

Dinahsoar said...

When your fridge is broken you buy canned and dried foods. Dry milk can be reconstituted with water for cereal. Added to oatmeal which can then be cooked. Bread requires no refrigeration. Neither do nut butters which can make a mighty fine sandwich in no time. Fruits like bananas, apples, oranges are not highly perishable. There is salmon which can be eaten as is from the can or made into salmon patties. And there are many varieties of beans, and canned vegetables are fine until you can get your fridge fixed. Beans and greens are a healthy nourishing meal. And cornbread can be made using a 'flax meal egg'...and powdered or canned milk. It is delicious.

Canned soups, crackers, a bit of cheese, which you could keep on ice in a Styrofoam container make for a quick meal too.

Just some ideas that perhaps you didn't consider because of the stress.

You are not alone in your trials. Most of the world experiences such hardship at one time or another and in some parts of the world it is a daily given.

As others have suggested, you might seek out some help from a good church ministry that is not cult like.

Oswald Chambers said 'when we come to the end of our own self-sufficiency it is only then that God can begin to work'. I cry out daily to the Lord for help and he hears my cry, supplying grace and help in time of trouble. Try it. If he doesn't respond what have you lost? And if he does, just think of the wonderful friend you will have gained.

Shelley said...

I wish I could wave a magic wand and make this all better for you, Lyn - next best thing I can offer is a virtual hug and an "I'm sorry you're going through so much right now."

Anonymous said...

My mother and I went through nearly the exact thing with our little doggie that had been mybest friend since 8th grade. He went blind, had diabetes that required daily shots, and coughed constantly from a collapsed trachea. He was worth all of the hard work and more. I understand your pain. Animals are constant friends and love unconditionally. Their hearts are pure.

Cah

Melanie said...

You don't seem like a massive whiner. You're simply venting and that's ok. It's your blog, and you can handle it as you see fit.

We all understand the need to have a safe haven to express feelings, and I admire you for being open.

Hope things get better soon!

Anonymous said...

I understand what you are going through. I just buried my ultra-special cat after 14 years. He was sick with kidney disease and IBD - was going through much of what your doggy is going through. He felt my care and love, just like your doggy knows how much you are caring and care for him. Take it slow and think of the good times with him and how much love you have for each other.

Jenn said...

I hope life gets better for you and yours soon. I'm sorry you're dealing with so much.

spunkysuzi said...

"hugs" I'm so sorry you are having to go through so much right now.

Be sure to ask for help from others if you can.

MargieAnne said...

My goodness1 That you survive day to day hassles is a wonder. Sometimes life does get too much. I do hope that as you are able to Blog again that things are on the improve.

Releasing emotion through tears maynot be bad but you will know when you need more help eg therapy counselling. It just seems to me that you have an overload right now and the big thin is to survive each day as it comes.

You must be very strong to cope with all this and continue to keep going. And yes I do know you have no choice. The temptation to run away can be overwhelming so I do hope you find some 'Me' time somehow.

To be without a fridge is the last straw. Hope a repairman comes today.

Blessings.

Sarah G said...

(((Lyn))) Things will turn around eventually. Hang in there.

Cindy said...

It's difficult when you don't get a break from the suckiness - when it's one thing after another. i totally understand.

PaulaMP said...

Try not to be too isolated if you can. Get some sun, play some music. I understand about the animals, I had to put four cats to sleep, the last one was 21 and had been sick for her last year. At some point it is kinder to let them go, for them and for you. If all else fails, tell yourself, like I do, "this too shall pass."

Anonymous said...

Oh Lyn! Hugs to you and your family. My heart breaks when I read about your dog. I know you love him and believe me, he knows that too! I hope his passing will be peaceful and without fear or pain. And I hope you and your family will remember how much you loved him and smile when you talk about him. And as for the refrigerator. Yes that sucks. And your daughter - I don't know all the details with her, but as she grows I hope she gets sick less and less. One of my sons was sick so much when he was little, then he "outgrew" it. So hugs to you my friend. It will get better.

timothy said...

no advice no pepy look at the silver lining bs, life gets hard and you're in my prayers! xoxoxoxoxo

16 blessings'mom said...

Lyn: just to help you feel a little better, I love reading your blog, and lots of other people do too! We may not know you In Real Life, but we care about you! It is so very hard to lose a pet, but remember that because your dog has had you guys to love him all this time, he has had a special life. I can relate about having to get that teenager out of bed so as to avoid getting detention...

I hope you keep writing and keep being honest. We all have our trials, and there is no help in pretending that everything is sunshine and roses when it's not.

Thank you for sharing, and I am praying for you!!!

Della

Steelers6 said...

Oh friend, sorry things are squirrelly right now. I hope reading the comments your bloggie friends are leaving here are a pick me up.

Wishing u much brighter days ahead, dear.

Love,
Chrissy

Diandra said...

If it rains, it pours. Sorry to read all this! I hope you get a break soon.

Anonymous said...

Things get tough, but YOU are tougher. You'll get through this patch and be stronger. Dieting probably isn't something to focus on right now, so the Medifast is a good idea. The less fuss the better.Your old dog is lucky to have a mom like you. I know your heart is breaking. Been there and it sucks. My heart is with you.

Anonymous said...

That is some extreme suckage! Any one of those circumstances could make you feel that way. Pretty hard to stay positive with all of that piled on top of you.

Sending wishes and good energy to help get you through it, and the hope for you to get out the other side soon.

Sometimes it's good to remember that "this too shall pass." And sweet days will come again.

Arabella

Vickie said...

hugs

Darcy Winters said...

I think we all go through spells like that --- for some of us it even seems like it is one long continious spell. I feel for you!
(((hugs)))

i should be full said...

Your courage is astonishing. As a friend of mine says, life is hard and people are fragile.

You inspire me.

You are not a complainer or a whiner. It's only complaining and whining when you have no self-agency or awareness and you expect everyone else to just fix things for you.

You are displaying grace under pressure and a humble awareness of the enormity of life. Your limitations are not weaknesses, they are what make you beautifully human.

Keep writing and remember, from the Big Book: No matter how far down the scales we have gone our experience benefits others. KEEP WRITING!

Anonymous said...

Most refrigerators have a small chute that goes in between the freezer and the refrigerator. There is a little component that prevents the chute from filling with ice. If you refrigerator is really warm and your freezer is really cold or normal, then try taking off the back plate (probably only takes a screw-driver) and seeing if that chute is full of ice. (Water condenses there because of the temperature difference and opening and closing the door). Ours does this and we have to clear the chute out every 6 months or so. It's worth a look. If that's your problem, you can fix it within 30 minutes and have a workable fridge. You will probably still want the component fixed so it doesn't reaccure, but it doesn't refreeze until months go by.

Lyn said...

Anonymous~

oh, that's a good thing to know, thank you. I will actually take a peek at that just in case it is part of the issue. The repair guy came this morning and said the thermostat was bad. Actually the freezer is slightly too warm as well. I appreciate that bit of advice and will use it and file it away for the future too.

All~

thank you for the thoughts, prayers, kind words. I am very blessed to have such good people around me here.

Jes said...

Sounds like a busy day - hang in there!