Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Emotional Junk

I haven't updated in a really long time. I am having a hard time emotionally, that's why. I thought maybe just taking a little time away from blogging, thinking about food/weight, and staying off the scale might help, but it hasn't. In fact the opposite: without the blogging and focus, my eating went all to heck for the past 2 days. Potato chips, subs, M&M's. Horrible stuff for *my* body. Maybe some people can get away with having half a sub and a handful of chips for lunch and be okay, but it just fuels cravings for me. And that led to M&M's, which I found I do not even like anymore (thankfully) and some ice cream, which I *do* still like but is another thing that fuels cravings.

So after 2 days of that, I felt so awful last night and this morning that I had to knock it off and get refocused. And that includes blogging, so here I am. I went and got fresh produce and am focusing on making fruits and veggies the foundation of my eating.

I have been toying with doing something like Paleo or Primal eating for awhile now. I have a rebellious feeling when I think about doing any "plan" or "diet", but the foundation principles do appeal to me. I was looking at this image today: Primal Blueprint Food Pyramid and it makes a lot of sense to me. And since I have read about the 80/20 principle, it feels less like a strict regimen and more like real-life eating (Eat strictly Primal 80% of the time and allow for other choices 20% of the time) because then I can have the occasional pot of beans or whatever. I am still thinking about it. I am also thinking about using up the remaining Medifast foods I have left to do a week or two of Medifast to try and get my head in the right place. I always had more clarity on Medifast, so perhaps a couple weeks might help me as I then transition to Primal or Paleo or something.

Anyway, I have a lot of emotional garbage going on right now and I am trying not to just withdraw and hide. I'll be trying to blog daily again from now on.

36 comments:

Anonymous said...

I was wondering what was going on cause you didn´t blog for a such a long time. I hope you feel better soon emotionally and find out the way you want to eat.
I say from my own experience that I can´t handle any "diets". Just whole foods in moderation and exercise is what works for me. Eating limited amounts of food makes me binge easily. But you have to find your own way. And I am sure you will.

Anonymous said...

Hi, hungry girl here.

(((hugs)))

Leslie said...

Good to hear from you, Lyn - I was wondering how you were doing, and I can relate totally.

I've been doing a sort of loose Paleo type of eating but my main focus is still on keeping carbs low.

About the 80/20 thing...I've found that when I'm doing the 20% "relaxed" eating, it still must omit sugar, processed junk and other items that I know, in my heart of hearts, will trigger me. Otherwise I undo all the good I did when I was eating on plan, and weight simply maintains (at best).

I'm glad you're stepping back out into the world - that tendency to isolate, that I do so well, is the worst thing for us, even though there is perverse comfort in it! Hang in there,friend.

lisa~sunshine said...

Aww.. Lyn.. I'm sorry to hear about the emotional stuff.. it's always so hard to deal with sometimes.. I know you have worked hard at this and that you feel like you in a sticking spot right now.. but you know I know you will find what is right for you and I will agree.. the primal eating is exactly what you have been talking about for a while.. maybe the structure of a plan is what you need? I know I found that I worked best at losing when I had guidelines.. regardless.. keep blogging and working towards your goals each and every day and you will get there.. You have changed in a lot of ways over the years and improved your healthy life already.. You've learned a lot about yourself too.. I know you can do this.. Stay positive and believe in yourself..

I should really reread what I wrote and let it sink in for myself.. it's always so WEIRD to see how negative we are towards ourselves.. but never think that way towards others..

Keep us posted....

bbubblyb said...

I always feel for you when I read posts like this from you. Sometimes I start to comment then stop myself. I know for myself I hold onto my extra 15-20 lbs for emotional reasons, in part so I can continue to use food sometimes. I've come to accept that I may always use food sometimes but when it starts to control my life that's when I have to really think about what I want for yourself. I also know that without Dr. N (psychologist) I wouldn't have lost the weight I have. Not that he did it for me but that digging through my past and current emotional baggage was a must. I know I've mentioned therapy to you several times, I can't remember if you ever talked about why you don't go. All I know is to get past obesity, really overcome it we have to dig into our heads. No special dieting or amount of exercise is going to fix the problem and make us lose the weight and keep it off. I know you already realize all I'm saying I guess I just wonder why you don't find the support in that area that you need. I do know through my almost 5 yrs now on this journey that I can't do it alone, that I need other people and sometimes professionals. I say all this with care and lots of compassion because I have read this blog for as long as I've been on here and I see your pain through your words. *big hug*

Holly L. said...

Hi Lyn,

Good for you for focusing on what you needed and not necessarily what you wanted. It is extremely hard to pull ourselves together sometimes so I can relate but I love your example of self focus.

Thank you for the post!
Holly

Anonymous said...

Lyn, I have been thinking and wondering about you the past few days. I'm sorry you're in such a funk, but glad to see that you are posting again. I would urge you to give the Primal approach a try. You already know that low-carb and whole foods work for you mentally, emotionally, and physically--and in essence, that is all that Primal really is. I do a mostly-Primal diet myself, and I think that after you do it for a few days you will find yourself again free of the cravings and the crazy feelings that sugar/simple carbs induce. Something that helps me to remember is that the craziness is not actually in my head; rather, it's produced by my body's physiological response to simple carbs. There's nothing wrong with me! (Or with you.) And eating in a way that supports my mental and emotional freedom isn't a prison sentence, it's the opposite. Thinking good things for you!

Sarah aka WarMaiden

Lyn said...

Thanks all. I have been crying a lot today.

bbubblyb~

I think therapy would do me a world of good right now. I have had counseling in the past a couple of times. I actually spent about 3 hours recently just calling around and searching for a counselor/therapist in my area. There is no one who specializes in ED at all, so it would have to be a generic counselor, but the problem is affording it. I have insurance so none of the counselors will do a sliding fee scale with me, but my insurance is super stingy about counseling sessions *and* I would need a mental health diagnosis to get them (which I have not been able to get; my doctor says I don't need meds or a counselor, I just need a "life coach" to give me some direction, whatever the heck that is) and counseling would be $50 copay per week plus babysitting if I went over the summer.

Anyway I would like to go talk to someone but my efforts to get there have felt like a lot of wasted energy.

LHA said...

My heart goes out to you. You are waging a tough battle in a long, long war. Emotions are so difficult to keep in check, and for those of us who have emotional connections or reactions involving food issues....wow, it is extremely difficult.

Keep at it! You can win this war, and have posted many victories already along the way. It doesn't matter how many times you slip or fall you continue to get up and look for new ways to keep eating under control and reach a healthy weight. I can't tell you how much I admire you for not giving up. I would say take any new idea and run with it! Whatever it takes is what you will do...I just know it. Don't let anyone discourage you with the "you have to do it my way or you will fail" attitude, either. Just keep on taking it one minute/hour/day at a time and don't lose sight of your goal. You can do this!

timothy said...

can i ask a simple question, every time you talk about what you're thinking about doing you mention how when you were on medifast it wasnt an issue you had clarity, weight loss, better health etc etc if it works for you why dont you just keep doing it? sorry if i'm dense but it's like me and atkins i ALWAYS come back to it because i feel better and long term it works for me............yep i'm getting off the ww train cause it has too many carbs and keeps triggering binges and back to what i KNOW works for me. good luck sweetie! xoxoxoxoxo

Lyn said...

timothy~

well, I guess I burned out on the meal replacements. After awhile I found it next to impossible to stay on plan for more than a week or so at a time. Eating out of packets is kind of nice and a relief from thinking about food, but after a year and a half I was longing for fruit and beans and stuff like that. So the short answer is, I stopped because I wasn't able to stick with it 100%, and Medifast really does take very close to 100% adherence to work for me.

Margaret said...

Rooting for you, girl! If this were easy, we'd all be at goal weight. The hard times don't make you fail, they make you human. I hope you take this as more than a string of cliches, but the deep faith I have developed in you from reading your blog to find my own inspiration.

You're going to get there!

Colleen said...

Lynn, if you can't afford therapy right now, could you find an Overeaters Anonymous meeting somewhere somewhat close? Why can't one of your older kids babysit for you (IIRC you have at least 2-3 older kids, right)? I ache for your lack of support. I really think that without a support variable in your equation it's going to be very hard for you to make progress.

LHA said...

p.s.: Just read your reply to a question about getting some therapy. I highly encourage you to pursue this. Your "doctor" is wrong that you just need a life coach and don't have a psychiatric disorder. Go to the DSMIV and you will find all kind of diagnoses that can be treated. My advice is to find another doctor to be your primary physician and TELL him, not ask him, that you need a mental health referral. It is totally a neanderthal attitude on the part of any medical professional to minimize psychiatric symptoms. If you think you would benefit from therapy, then you deserve to have it. Please consider medication too if you feel you need it. I has saved many people's lives, including my own.

MargieAnne said...

I'm glad to see this post. Realised last night we hadn't heard from you for a while.

I use a low carb plan called Lean For Life. Recently I posted how I have modified it to suit myself and a friend wrote that perhaps I should throw the book out and make my own plan. Well I couldn't do that because the LFL plan is still my core program and gives me a benchmark to work off.

I suggest you do that with Paleo if you go in that direction.

First # I asked myself where I had to tweak the program to fit my lifestyle.

# I decided which foods I would major in and which ones would be rare or never according to my tastes

# I had to allow for budget restrictions

# I considered my husband and his needs. I do not like preparing different kinds of meals, especially at dinner.

# I have learned to make adjustments and manage times when we are away from home although this remains a challenge, especially during this stage when still have a lot of weight to lose.

So I now have a plan and it fits me like a glove making it sustainable with room for experimentation and new foods and recipes.

I guess I am not far off being Paleo but I don't think of it like that. It's just the way I eat.

You have an inquiring mind so I'm sure you will come up with an over-all plan that is you before too long.

Blessings.

Lyn said...

Colleen~

I have 4 older kids. One is away at college and the others are working and/or will be gone with their father over the summer. I pretty much have my little girl with me 24/7 in the summer unless I hire a sitter.

Lyn said...

oh.... and as for OA, I had started attending the online (live chat) OA meetings for about a month. I still drop in once in awhile but honestly I never found it particularly helpful. I know it is great for some, and I do recommend people go to the online meetings to check it out.

Lyn said...

BTW, friends, much of my pain right now is because my old mini-dog, my beloved little buddy, is dying before my eyes and I am making the hard choice as to whether and when to euthanize. It is truly agonizing, especially with children involved. And second to that, our sweet old cat is considered terminal by the vet and we may not have much time with her, either.

Jack Sh*t, Gettin' Fit said...

Hate that slippery slope. Here's hoping you've got solid footing going forward.

Mary Ellen Quigley said...

I'm sorry that you are going through such a tough time. I wish I had a solution with the binges and the emotional stuff. Unfortunately, I am going through a similar time, so I don't have a solution. All we can do is take it a day at a time. Hang in there.

Anonymous said...

Hi Lyn:
I was worried about you when you disappeared for a few days. I've been reading you from the beginning and I am rooting for your success. Always been a great fan of your being able to write with so much emotional honesty. I have a couple of suggestions and, since I don't know you, please take them as well-meaning but probably ignorant.
1) Sometimes nutritionists are very good with ED and you can get a Dr. to give you a referral and insurance will pay because you are overweight instead of having to get a mental diagnosis. Only you and the nutritionist need to know you're working on ED instead of a diet. Of course, depends on Dr., insurance, but just a thought.
2) I've been noticing that you get frustrated with a "plan" after a while and then you want to switch to something else.You were on Medifast for a long time but since you've been off, it seems like your tolerance for each new plan is short. It's easier to see someone else's pattern when you're looking from a distance as I am looking at you, so again a suggestion: it's obvious you need consistency and probably do need a coach to get there.
My 13 year old westie is fading before my eyes. I think she has a few weeks left; I'm right there with you on that kind of sadness. My last westie made it to almost sixteen but this one's been ailing for the past couple years. I just wish i could have more time with her.
Never been a fan of OA myself, but obviously many people find it helpful.
I'll be thinking about you and continue to hope for you to get some peace with your eating.
Regards and best wishes,
Marianne

Anonymous said...

So sorry to hear about your dog-- I know how heart wrenching losing a pet can be. I have two little ones of my own, and the thought alone of making the euthanasia decision brings me to tears.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family (including all the fuzzy ones).

-Allison

Dinahsoar said...

Lyn, I'm truly sorry you are having a hard time at present. Starting a new plan is only going to complicate things further.

You know what healthy eating is and how many calories you can eat and still lose at your current weight.

Why not come up with 3 breakfasts, 3 lunches, 3 suppers and repeat them once per week and for day 7 take a day off from cooking and eat out?

When I eat out and don't want to spend a lot of money I get a small chili from Wendy's. It' beans, beef, tomatoes and celery. All decent food. Add a baked potato--they even have sweet potatoes if you prefer. And a small side salad. The Caesar salad has shaved parm and is very nice. All for cheap.

Life will always have its ups and downs and you will always have to prepare food and make food choices. No amount of counseling will change that or even make it any easier.

Heather-- of Heather Eats Almond Butter-- is no longer posting to her blog but she has left her blog up and she has a page that tells how she lost 100 pounds. You can read it here:

http://heathereatsalmondbutter.com/the-heab-diet/

It is very insightful. Perhaps it will help you. I suggest you read the comments to the post too...she responds to several questions and you can glean some helpful information there too.

Lyn said...

A lot of good suggestions here, thank you.

People are mentioning to me (in person) that I look so exhausted, look sick, look tired, look flushed. I really am (all of those things). I think tonight I am going to go to bed early tonight with a sleep aid.

Deb Willbefree said...

I'm not sure if you said that your insurance REQUIRES a referral from your PCP or not. IF it does and he refuses, that's a different problem than I'm going to address.

If you can just go to a counselor without your MD backing you up, then the following may clarify things for you.

Re: the MH diagnosis.

That's what the counselor is trained to do. Depending on the state regs and the counselor's credentials, she may work with someone else who actually provides the diagnosis based on her assessment.

Her assessment. Most insurance plans allow for a certain number of sessions just for "assessment". At the end of that period (usually 2 to 6 weeks depending on the ins) a diagnosis must be given for payment.

Until then, a preliminary dx may need to be provided or the ins will just approve payment on assessment alone.

A counselor will have no trouble qualifying you for payment. There are several diagnoses that could be used. Adjustment disorder, dysthemia (mild, but chronic depression) come to mind at the moment. Ed is not yet approved as a diagnosis for ins payment as far as I know.

Here's the thing, tho, Lyn---> Do you want a MH diagnosis? Once you have one, you have one, you know? Some life insurance companies will ask if you've ever had an MH dx and often deny on that basis, for instance.

But bottom line, unless your ins requires a PCP referral, getting a diagnosis will not be a problem.

The suggestion that you see a good nutritionist sounds better if your insurance will cover that.

Best wishes.

DEb

Karen said...

Hugs. Keep going. You can do this.

Anonymous said...

Lyn, if we all knew you in real life, we would all come over and hold your hand, and pat you on the back and laugh at your family pictures with you, and coo at your little girl and admire your sons and your beloved animals, and chat with you over tea and coffee, and we would all listen, because you mean so much to us. We are here for you. We care about you.
Kori from Newfoundland

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry about your dog. I thought I was going to have to euthanize my older dog this weekend. He has also been very ill. It is incredibly heartbreaking. Take care.

Lyn said...

Kori, that brought tears to my eyes. I so wish we could sit over coffee and do those things! thanks for that.

Deb~

yeah, I am not so sure I *want* a MH dx either! There are certain people in my life who might like to use that against me. I agree with my Dr that I am not clinically depressed, but have SAD which apparently is not enough of a dx for insurance to cover. I don't know why a person without a MH dx isn't covered for counseling. Wouldn't it be better to give support and guidance *before* it becomes a MH crisis? The last thing I am exploring is getting church-based counseling from some kind of pastor, but I am not a member of any church so that has been an issue.

Anonymous said...

A lot of churches have Stephen Ministries which you might find very helpful.

http://www.stephenministries.org/

And very few would deny services to non-members.

CRoth8 said...

Lynn,

I just want to let you know that I have been reading you from the beginning. I began Medifast almost a year ago and most of my success and motivation came from reading all of your past entries. It is reading about not only your successes, but your struggles that have helped me throughout my journey. You're an inspiration no matter what. Even when you are having a hard time, you continue to pick yourself back up and fight back. Keep fighting back and doing your best. I'm very sorry about all that you are going through right now, but I pray that you'll stay focused and do what is best for your body.

You're amazing and don't forget that! I'm praying for you and your family.

http://losingthefreshman100.blogspot.com/

donner said...

I have found that I have to cut sugar from my diet. It sounds difficult, but if you can make it through about 3 days, it'll work its way out of your system and you wont crave it. Sugar feeds cancer cells. Its the refined white sugar that's the trouble maker.

I know it sounds impossible to do, believe me, it seems crazy, but once I get off sugar, i feel better...and when I indulge, it causes binging that I cannot control until i go thru the 3 day withdrawal. Its like a vicious cycle. But it'll make you feel better, and wont cause puffiness or joint pain. Both of those happen to me...

I wish you loads of luck. Its not easy, but its worth it. Remember how bad sugar makes you feel, and try an alternative...

Jes said...

Hang in there, Lynn.

I know you hate advice and that, overall, your life is set up exactly how you want it, so think of this as an option, not advice per se.

One option for next school year might be a part-time job, which would give you the extra income to afford counseling.

Love the Primal Blue Print - great plan. I have to be careful with the 20% and treat it as covering "oops" moments and *one* meal a week of whatever I like. Meal, not day.


GL!

bbubblyb said...

Goodness Lyn you have so much on your plate, just wish I could come give you a big hug and sit and have a cup of tea and have you spill everything out and cry and cry, sometimes that's what we need most just someone there to listen and comfort us.

Boy do I understand about the sick pets, in the past 5 yrs I've lost 4 to old age so I definitely feel for you and trying to know when is time for them. You know that is how I ended up in therapy, 17 yr old cat dying, mom had breast cancer, son had an eating disorder, just lots of things on top of more things. My therapist doesn't deal with ED btw but he has been a psychologist for 30+ yrs.

I have one more suggestion, have you ever tried TOPS (Take Off Pounds Sensibly, www.tops.org)? It's only $28 a year and about $3-5 a month dues. I'm not even suggesting it for weight loss but more so that maybe you can get out once a week and socialize more. I know for myself my folks there have been wonderful to me over the past 4 1/2 yrs and I don't know what I'd do without them. I was such a person that isolated when I was down so I made a promise to myself the first year never to miss a meeting and I never did.

You can look up meetings in your area and since most often the majority of members are older I'm guessing they wouldn't mind your little girl sitting in the meeting so you wouldn't have to pay for childcare. I say it couldn't hurt to give it a try at least, go to a meeting (first one is free) and see what you think. You could try more than one in your area if the first doesn't feel just right too.

Sounds like you could use some socializing more than anything, just to get you out and away from everything even for just an hour and be around others.

Big hugs to you, wish I lived closer (don't even know where you live actually lol).

you can email me anytime too bbubblyb.blogspot.com, always here to listen.

Lyn said...

I went to a TOPS meeting a long long time ago. That's a good idea and I will look for a local group, even just for the social/support aspect of it. Thanks.

I sure wish I could invite you all over for tea. You guys are some of the nicest people I have ever 'met'.

Meadowlark said...

I actually wandered in today after searching for flabby arms. (motivating post, btw).

Hang in there. 4 years ago I was fit and trim, exercising often and eating well. It all went to hell in a handbasket.

Back on the right track for the last two months. I'd like to stop by and maintain some motivation.

Don't worry about the complaining... I was a Marine and we always say "A Marine isn't happy unless she's complaining about something". :)

Peace!