I'm back! Our trip went very well, and I am happy to say that after 16 years of driving almost 3 hours away to a specialist for my son every 6 to 12 months, they are 95% sure he will NOT have to go back again!! We are so excited. Sixteen years of trips. And now we're done!
We have a routine of park picnics, visiting the playground and carousels, and getting ice cream when we go to this specialist... sort of making it a nice day out. The last few times, we also brought our puppy and we love to visit dog parks whenever we travel. So that's what we did this time, too; we were gone from home a total of 13 hours and spent much of that time outside walking, exploring, and playing. I'd estimate we walked at least 3 miles.
My eating was okay but not ideal.
Brunch was one scrambled egg, one piece of bacon, one sausage link, a small dish of fresh strawberries, and one pecan waffle. Lots of water to drink.
Dinner was a Reuben sandwich on rye toast (not grilled/greasy) and I had an epiphany while eating it. I've talked about how much I crave and love Reuben sandwiches ever since my father died; it was his favorite sandwich. I don't eat them very often because I see them as a special treat. Since I only ate two meals yesterday I figured the calories would be okay. It was your usual pastrami, Swiss, and sauerkraut on rye. I had taken about 3 bites when I suddenly thought, "I don't like Reubens." It was very strange. I remember as a child, my Dad would eat them often and anytime I tried a bite I didn't like it at all. Only after his death did they become "delicious" to me. I felt close to him whenever I ate them. They become a comfort food for me. It's been like that for more than 20 years now. But yesterday, instead of sliding into a nostalgic trance when I was eating it, I actually paid attention to the texture and flavor. I remembered that I do not really enjoy the flavor of rye bread that much. I recalled how I have never liked pastrami. I realized that sauerkraut is on my "okay" list but nothing I'd seek out too often. And suddenly, the thought came, "I don't even like Reubens. I don't think I ever have." Of course I was quite hungry at this point, so I sort of picked around at it and ate about 3/4 of it, but I don't want to ever have one again. I think all this time I was just sort of fixated on the Thousand Island dressing flavor that reminded me of the Big Macs I used to love, and focused on the connection with my father and the memories of my childhood. I never even noticed that I really *don't* like the sandwich, just as I didn't as a child. And not liking that sandwich is in no way a rejection of my father.
The other things I ate yesterday were:
a sugar free cookie dough latte on the drive up
a small ice cream cone after our appointment (didn't eat the cone part)
and some fresh strawberries when we got home
My whole body hurts from the walking. It is a lot harder to be active at this weight than it was around 180 pounds. It used to be effortless. Now it just hurts. But I am pushing through it, still doing everything I need to do. Since I didn't bike yesterday, that will be my biking 'day off' for the week. I will bike today but not walk, as my feet need a rest. My plantar fasciitis has come back with a vengeance and is very painful. Hopefully getting the weight off will make it go away again as it did the first time. Although I won't kid you, I have a deep fear that even with this increase in exercise and decrease in calories I will somehow not lose weight or will keep gaining. Life at this weight is not fun. I don't know how anyone can tell me to accept this weight. I won't, because I do not want to live in pain all the time. It is downright painful to be active at this weight for me. I won't accept it, and I will keep working through it to get to a more comfortable weight. It amazes me, sometimes, that I was able to stay at 278 pounds for a very long time and eating thousands and thousands of calories per day without gaining. I was binge eating so much. I was eating at LEAST 3500-4000 calories most days and upwards of 7000 on bad days and was as sedentary as you can get without being dead, and yet I did not gain. And here I am eating under 2000 calories a day... usually closer to 1500... doing all this moving, and the scale sits still. Well, we'll see what it says on Sunday, anyway. I just keep telling myself to eat for health, move for strength, and the rest will follow. But my body does hurt, and I am just going on faith that the weight will come off. It will, it has to.
Finding My Groove
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