I have a lot of personal reasons for losing weight.
It started out as just wanting to be able to enjoy vacations with my children. I was sick of hobbling around, sick of sitting on the sidelines watching my kids have fun without me, sick of having my husband drop me off at the handicapped entrances, sick of telling the whole family that we had to leave the beach after ten minutes because I could not stand any longer and could not get up off the sand if I sat down. I just wanted the basic human dignity of being able to be with my kids and being able to go up and down stairs to kiss them goodnight at bedtime. That was the driving force behind starting my weight loss and starting this blog.
Now, four and a half years later, I've accomplished that. In fact, a year and a half ago I was pretty much able to do everything that was important to me. I had a bit of sadness when I realized I would never be able to run, but running isn't so much a goal for me anyway. The goal is being healthy and able for life. And I got there.
I am not sure what happened at 175 pounds, but my goals changed. I had the life I wanted. The reasons for losing weight became a) get weight off my knees to stop whatever invisible damage was going on due to arthritis, b) be thin enough to feel a tumor if there ever was one, unlike my mother whose giant tumor went unnoticed in her giant abdomen until it was too late, c) get 'healthy' so I could live a long time for my kids, and d) look good. Yes, for that last one, I wondered how it would be to be 145 pounds like I was when I was 18 - 20 years old. I wanted to get down to that size again if possible, just for looks sakes and to experience that size again. I thought it would be cool and fun.
Apparently, those reasons were not enough. I started gaining again, because the call of food occasionally seemed more 'urgent' than the far-off/unlikely worries about a tumor, or the unfelt/unseen knee damage, or the vanity thing. Eh, those can wait, I think I will have a brownie.
Now I am in pain, about 40 pounds heavier than my lowest, aching with every step, knees crackling, unable to keep up with my dog or my kids. Life's not as fun anymore. My clothes SUCK. So now my reasons have become more urgent: stop the pain, be able to enjoy life again, be able to fit into my clothes again. And *those* reasons *are* enough to make me put down the brownie. Those reasons are more urgent.
It makes me wonder, though, if it will happen all over again at 175 pounds or at some other weight as I go down the scale. If the reason to lose weight stops being more urgent than a bag of chips, the weight loss stops. All I can do for now is keep working towards my goals. I know how great I felt at 175. And if I can get there and even if I stay there, that will be a life with SO much more pleasure in it than this one with the daily pain. I will try and remember that, and if 175 is where I stay, and if I can find no urgency in my reasons to go lower, I am okay with that. But we will see how my reasons change once I get there.
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