Second post, today...
So yeah, I know I regained 40 pounds. I mean, I see it on the scale and in the mirror. I post about it, I see the fat rolls, I get it. But I didn't *really* get it. I didn't get the magnitude of it. Not until today.
Since I've been posting about being down to ONE pair of too-tight, size 16 jeans and one pair of baggy sweats, I decided to dig around and see if I couldn't find just one more pair of pants or a pair of shorts to get me through until I "fit better." I just wanted to find something comfortable. So I started looking around. There was nothing in my closet or drawers that fit, so I went to look in the garage. And there I found one Rubbermaid tub of "fat clothes" that had never gotten full enough to take to the Goodwill. I brought it upstairs to my room, happy to have found some things that would surely fit.
As I opened the lid, I saw all the neatly folded jeans and sweaters that I'd put there a year and a half ago. I weighed 175 pounds then, and anything that was too big and baggy got put into this box. Imagine my surprise today as I pulled out not only size 16's, but 14's too. Had they really been TOO BIG on me? Hmmm, yes, I do remember them being insanely baggy. Maybe they will fit now!
I tried them on, one after the other, starting with the biggest ones (even an 18) and working my way down. I figured most of this stuff would fit. Imagine my shock when ALL of the 16's were too tight. ALL of them. Some are too tight to even be near buttoning. Two are buttonable but just as tight as my current "one pair that fits." The 18's? They fit, but with no room to spare. How discouraging. And frankly, I was shocked as I tried on the 14's and could not even get them up past my thighs. Wow. I muttered to myself. I started getting upset. I felt this huge disconnect. Really?? These used to be too big? My brain remembered, but my eyes did not SEE a body that had gotten so much fatter. Somehow, most of the time I don't think I am "that much bigger." But these pants sure tell a different story. I am a LOT bigger. A lot.
I think it is important to have these kinds of reality checks along the way, going up OR down the scale. I have always struggled to grasp my own size at any given time. This gives me a very solid and realistic grasp on exactly how much my body has changed. And yes it is depressing. But now I have something to work through: a pile of jeans, folded and stacked from smallest to largest. I'll get through them again. They'll be back in that fat clothes box before too long.
Yesterday, I biked 20 minutes and walked a mile and a half. Today I repeated both, plus did my physical therapy exercises. I am exhausted. I kid you not, I feel like my legs are going to fall off. Hopefully it's the fat that will be falling off again soon.
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