Monday, April 2, 2012

Reality Check: The Difference 40 Pounds Makes

Second post, today...

So yeah, I know I regained 40 pounds. I mean, I see it on the scale and in the mirror. I post about it, I see the fat rolls, I get it. But I didn't *really* get it. I didn't get the magnitude of it. Not until today.

Since I've been posting about being down to ONE pair of too-tight, size 16 jeans and one pair of baggy sweats, I decided to dig around and see if I couldn't find just one more pair of pants or a pair of shorts to get me through until I "fit better." I just wanted to find something comfortable. So I started looking around. There was nothing in my closet or drawers that fit, so I went to look in the garage. And there I found one Rubbermaid tub of "fat clothes" that had never gotten full enough to take to the Goodwill. I brought it upstairs to my room, happy to have found some things that would surely fit.

As I opened the lid, I saw all the neatly folded jeans and sweaters that I'd put there a year and a half ago. I weighed 175 pounds then, and anything that was too big and baggy got put into this box. Imagine my surprise today as I pulled out not only size 16's, but 14's too. Had they really been TOO BIG on me? Hmmm, yes, I do remember them being insanely baggy. Maybe they will fit now!

I tried them on, one after the other, starting with the biggest ones (even an 18) and working my way down. I figured most of this stuff would fit. Imagine my shock when ALL of the 16's were too tight. ALL of them. Some are too tight to even be near buttoning. Two are buttonable but just as tight as my current "one pair that fits." The 18's? They fit, but with no room to spare. How discouraging. And frankly, I was shocked as I tried on the 14's and could not even get them up past my thighs. Wow. I muttered to myself. I started getting upset. I felt this huge disconnect. Really?? These used to be too big? My brain remembered, but my eyes did not SEE a body that had gotten so much fatter. Somehow, most of the time I don't think I am "that much bigger." But these pants sure tell a different story. I am a LOT bigger. A lot.

I think it is important to have these kinds of reality checks along the way, going up OR down the scale. I have always struggled to grasp my own size at any given time. This gives me a very solid and realistic grasp on exactly how much my body has changed. And yes it is depressing. But now I have something to work through: a pile of jeans, folded and stacked from smallest to largest. I'll get through them again. They'll be back in that fat clothes box before too long.

Yesterday, I biked 20 minutes and walked a mile and a half. Today I repeated both, plus did my physical therapy exercises. I am exhausted. I kid you not, I feel like my legs are going to fall off. Hopefully it's the fat that will be falling off again soon.

22 comments:

Vee said...

Hey! I started my journey around the same time as you, I think. I remember reading this blog several years ago (thru 3fc). I lost 115 lbs in just over a year... and gained 40 lbs back at the end of 2010.

My point is. it took me a little over a year to realize/see the 40 lbs! I'm working on losing it again, now.. slowly. But you aren't alone. I dont know how I lied to myself enough to slide from looking at a size 12...to being a aolid 18. But you arent alone. *hug*

Anonymous said...

It's smart to let them be tight. Let them warn you. Don't gain anymore.

DiZneDiVa said...

You have my support... I hope to someday be wearing a size 18, but for now I am plateauing within a 10 pound range... It is depressing, but I will keep fighting because I know I am not alone. Our weight issues are going to follow us into our future and current thinness, unfortunately. But we will never be alone in our struggle again. XOXO *M*

Anonymous said...

Good Lyn,
Exercise...the thing you've been missing. :-) Keep it up!
S

timothy said...

sorry you're havin to relose and 40 pounds is daunting but you can do it, just do it. you did it before, but you need to figure out the reason for the weight gain so you can get off the rollercoaster once and for all. xoxoxo

Anonymous said...

Maybe what the world needs is clothes that fit in a 30 pound range instead of a 5 pound range. Maybe if we could see ourselves having to take out a notch or unstitch some pleats, then we'd see when we were going up. As it is, an average bloat day and half my closet goes out the window.

Anonymous said...

I think most of us who have lost significant amounts of weight have been witness to this phenomenon. I did it myself the last time, regaining 80+ pounds very quickly and just going back up through those sizes I had fought so hard to go down. I would look at those size 12s and wonder how I ever wore them and was I really that small? Now, I'm happy to say they fit again (it took me 10 years to get back to that place of wanting it to happen). I'm so nervous of the creep because it happens so easily, even when you "swear it's not going to be like that this time". I'm so proud of you for sitting down and having a reality check. I think that's one of the hardest things to do when you're inching back up. I marvel at women who have been thin all their lives and they notice when 5 lbs have crept on and they diligently watch what they're eating until it's gone. I have a difficult time noticing 5-10 lbs. I used to think that many thin women ate what they wanted to and were "lucky". While I think that food/metabolism/weight is very different for those of us who have been obese, it's helped me to witness "thin/average" women being very conscious of food decisions. Sorry, I'm rambling. You're on the right path, keep it up!!

Steelers6 said...

Good job on the workout/exercising!

I know I have had a hard time seeing my body for the size it really is over the years. I was just thinking about how 'large' I thought I was in HS, boy, wouldn't we like to have that 'large' body now?
I guess jeans tell the truth, eh?

Hugs, Chrissy

Anonymous said...

Lyn, there's supposed to be a Thomas Edison quote about the light bulb that's probably not authentic, but it goes like this:
"I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work."

Judging by your struggles with weight gain recently, I think that you, like Edison, have learned a lot of things that don't work.

In my experience, the best solution for me seems to be to reduce calories, which first require reducing hunger, which -- for me -- means cutting way back on carbs, especially bread and grains.

Best wishes to you..

Tiffany said...

Best of luck Lynn. You are not alone. It took me gaining back most of my weight to fully admit I had a problem. We can do this!

Another Deb said...

I applaud you for your attitude about the "fat clothes". I can't count how many times clothes not fitting has triggered me to eat even more -- to sooth my troubled self. I know it makes no sense, but I also know you know exactly what I'm talking about. If I can't be comfortable in my clothes...I'll cozy up to the food. It always comes through...at such a price.

16 blessings'mom said...

Lyn, I am rooting for you! I have lost fifty pounds, and am struggling to make that scale move downward, as I still have a long ways to go. It is not easy!!! Thank you so so much for sharing, I am wishing you all the best on this painstaking journey...

della

Redfizz said...

I am so sorry. What is it about those nasty 40 pounds that sneak up on us??? I am doing a juice fast to clean up my system before I move forward, and when I stepped on my scale the first day, I had gained back EXACTLY 40 pounds!

It's day 31 and I still have a ways to go weight wise (day 40 is my last day on the fast), and I can *barely* zip up my favorite dress now.

Do you find that you used the "Oh, my clothes must have shrunk in the dryer" excuse? Man, I did. *sigh*.

You're not alone. Don't beat yourself up. Let's stick together and PUSH THROUGH this! You can do it! You've done it before. :D

Leslie said...

I wish I couldn't relate, Lyn, but I can. Right down to the Rubbermaid bin filled with great jeans and khakis, size 14s. A few 16s. Stowed away after a "getting smaller" period of time, but not taken to Goodwill. Argh - now I look forward to them fitting before too long. Keep the faith! I will too!

Erika said...

I really think this is the wakeup call you needed. Sometimes something like that just shakes us in a way that "common sense" does, and I am just speaking from my own experience. At my heaviest I would think "yeah yeah, eat healthy, whatever" but it wasn't until my fat pants became my skinny pants, over and over and over again that I thought Geez, what on earth am I doing to myself.

Anonymous said...

It's weird how I can take on every other area of my life head on and just do what needs to be done, but somehow can't seem to be able to do something that comes so naturally to scores of people: maintain a healthy weight. It really frustrates me.

Theresa said...

Just don't let this bring you down lower Lyn. It is a fact, you can now create a new plan for each day that will take you through that stack of jeans. I personally have done the same thing to myself, but the only way back down is to care enough about ourselves and realize we are worth the effort. I'm glad you found those clothes, now you can shrink into them without the added stress of going shopping and looking at sizes. :)

Coralee said...

Just wanted you to know that I am thinking about you and your journey a lot lately and sadly know exactly what you are going through.
I lost 90 pounds the change your entire life way which is a very slow process to say the least; it took me 3 years! After the 90 ish pounds were off I started doing the same thing as many others and lied to myself till I had regained over half the weight back.
I still don't know how I justified it honestly when the clothing sizes kept going up from 10 to 16's. It scares me to think that I have done this to myself and have absolutely no one else to blame even though there have been some monumental life changes during this time.
I am back in the trenches now but honestly think forgiving but not excusing yourself is one of the most important things to do before you move on to the next part of the journey. This will be my lifelong battle and I know that I am back fighting again because there is so much at stake including both my physical and mental health.
I have enjoyed reading about your journey as your writing is so good and I can identify with your struggle. So hang in there and keep on fighting, you are a warrior too and victory will be yours someday when all the lessons have been learned.

Witten/ Ryan Family said...

Keep your chin up! You will be putting those clothes away before to long. : ) I believe in you.

Tammy said...

Hi Lyn...I'm fixing to email you...I've got a non-weight related thing to ask your advice on. I hope you have time to answer today...I'm off work today and doing some research. Thanks! :)

Kimberly said...

Lyn,

I have mentioned before we are on a similar schedule;( I was down to 185 Oct 2010, and back up to 215. I actually have two nice skirts and two nice slacks for church I bought at that time since everything was too big. By the time I got them hemmed, they were too small. They are hanging in my closet - a year and a half later now - with tags still on them!

I am 201 today. I WILL get into those clothes - and YOU will too! Keep going!

Overhauling-Me said...

HUGS! I know it's rough! Great job getting your exercising in! Use that bucket of clothes as motivation. WooHoo, you'll have more clothes to wear as you start taking off those 40lbs!

You can do it!