Monday, April 23, 2012

Ashamed

Yay! Finally, someone listened to me and my daughter is on the medications she needs. After another night with about 3 hours of sleep, I was worried I might sound incoherent explaining things to the doctor this morning, but apparently I did okay and the reports I brought along helped. Now she is surely on the road back to health and I bet we will both get some sleep tonight for the first time in many days.

This past week has been sort of a blur, and getting on the scale was frankly the last thing on my mind when I stumbled out of bed at 6am each morning. Last Sunday I weighed 215; my next weigh-in will be this coming Sunday.

My eating has been disjointed; no real plan, no trips to the grocery store, feeling so tired I didn't want to cook much. I've eaten 2 or more free range eggs every day, often with bacon, this morning with sausage and half an orange. I don't have much fruit or lean meat or as many veggies as usual in the house right now but hope to remedy that shortly. I do still have some kale, asparagus, broccoli and carrots so those are on the menu for tonight, but with what protein, I'm not sure. Maybe I will make a meatloaf, yum.

Exercise has been basically nonexistent this week. I am fairly certain the extreme pain of plantar fasciitis I've had for more than a week was caused by my increase in biking and walking in shoes that don't have enough support. They're decent athletic shoes but I've been wearing them for almost a year so the support has broken down quite a bit. A sick kid and exhaustion on top of the pain made for pretty much no exercise this whole week.

I am in a frustrated place in my head about my weight right now. Every day I have to dig around to find clothes that are not too tight and don't accentuate my regain. Every day I look in the mirror and feel awful about myself. I do try and stay positive and remind myself that I have kept off most of the weight, but I still feel... ashamed. I look in the mirror and feel ashamed. I go out in public and know people can see I have regained some weight and I feel ashamed. I know that's not a good place to be. It's not especially helpful. My best driving force for change has always been self-pride and determination, not sadness. But I have to admit what I feel every day at this weight. I am glad I am on the way down again, but still, I feel it.

Hopefully I will feel better and more positive after a few good nights of sleep. Thank you for all the support.

19 comments:

Channie said...

Chin-up!!! You have accomplished great things and it is only a matter of time before you accomplish so much more. :-)

Anonymous said...

From "Anonymous Fat Guy" --

Lyn, from my experience, I've found that the easiest way for me to lose weight quickly is to have these same things at each and every meal for a few days:
2 hard-boiled eggs, plenty of steamed vegetables, and lots of plain water.

I discovered that diet trick when I was hospitalized and arguing with the dietitians. For some crazy reason, the hospital dietitians insisted that type 2 diabetics like me should have very high-carb meals. The result on their diet was that my blood sugar soared sky-high, until I finally rebelled and insisted on eating only hard-boiled eggs and steamed veggies. Each time I tried that, my blood sugar normalized quickly, and the pounds dropped rapidly.

Despite the fact that the hospital diet was a disaster, and my diet worked dramatically well, the hospital staff wrote me up for being non-compliant. I hate hospitals.

Anyway, my unsolicited diet advice to you is to eat two hard-boiled eggs and lots of steamed vegetables at each meal, washed down with lots of plain water.

Best wishes to you.

Jack Sh*t, Gettin' Fit said...

I'm in that boat with you, Lyn (and it's not a fun boat ride like the one I used to go on at the carnival). Still, you managed to apply the brakes pretty quickly and know what's involved in getting back to where you were. I'd say you're ahead of the game.

MargieAnne said...

I understand the shame and frustration. I hope you can throw it off because, in truth you are not so far away from being in control and getting back your healthy weight.

Do hope you've had a better day and good night's sleep.

You've had a tough week and need a little self-nurture time. Hope you can make it so.

Blessings

Anonymous said...

Sweetie, don't be so hard on yourself. You are putting your kids first and that's how it should be! Now that she is getting well you can re-focus on taking care of you. Best wishes. Meg

Tracy said...

Lyn, all you can do is move forward...life was very hectic and chaotic and now do what you can to get back on track...one day at a time!

timothy said...

stayin positive when you "slipped" is always gonna be hard. we've all been there and i empathize. i'm glad the little one is on the road to recovery and that should make it easier to refocus, and recharging your batteries with nsome sleep will help that too! have a great week sweetie! xoxoxoxoxo

Anonymous said...

Hey Lyn - have you ever tried Skechers Shape Ups? I know there was alot of hype about them and some folks didn't like them, but I tried them about 18 months ago and LOVE THEM! I have fat pad loss in my right foot which caused me constant pain. But ever since I have been wearing the Skechers, it's almost gone. If I am on my feet for a really long time, it still hurts some, but nothing like it did. I would say I went from an 11 on a scale of 1-10, with 10 being most painful to a 1 most days and even when it hurts, about a 3.
Maybe they would help your foot problem?

You can buy them new on ebay. I have gotten several pair from there.

Just a thought.

P

Carrie @ Season It Already! said...

One of my favorite things to do when I'm in a sad or frustrating place is to sit down and write or type out 100 things I'm grateful for... If I'm in the car, I list them and say out loud #1) grateful thing here #2) grateful thing here... etc.

Recognizing how you feel, though is the first step and you know you can get through it!

16 blessings'mom said...

Being tired is SO hard! I blame lack of sleep for many many pounds. I am glad she is getting better now, I hope you get some sleep. Thank you for sharing, I love your blog.

della

Lyn said...

Thanks all, I have hope, and I know the changes I am making are for good.

Anna Down Under said...

Hi Lyn. I think we've all been there - up and down the weight roller coaster. Battling weight seems to be my purpose in life sometimes, and it's SO hard. When I hit plateaus or regain, it's certainly disappointing, very frustrating, and might even make me want to give up entirely on trying to lose weight (I think yo-yo dieting is worse for your health than just staying fat) but I certainly don't feel ashamed. What you weigh has nothing to do with your worth or value. Show yourself the same kindness you'd show a friend, not shame or judgement. And hang in there cuz there are lots of us on that same ride with you. I think you're pretty brave sharing your journey with all of us -- both the good and the bad. That isn't so easy for me to do, so I admire you. : )

Diandra said...

Sometimes life just gets in the way, we have all been there. I am sure you will look even better than you do now (dig out those old pictures if you do not believe me) in no time.

InWeighOverMyHead said...

:(

Lynn said...

Everyone slips up once in a while! You have come SUCH a long way and you are a huge inspiration to those around you and no one should look down on you with what you have accomplished. Life happens. Period. You'll get past this and accomplish what you have set out for!

Theresa said...

This really hits home for me too Lyn. I could have written this post about how I feel for regaining. The physical pain Of lugging this 40 extra pounds is NOTHING compared to the emotional baggage of not fitting into anything... Having my shirts tug across my belly when i sit, my jeans cutting off my air supply when I sit..... All of those things scream loser! Failure! Idiot! Why???? I am none of those. I know this in my head..... But the negative thinking still creeps in. Anyone have suggested reprogramming plans?

Anonymous said...

I do know how you feel but the good thing is you can turn this feeling around fairly quickly. In my experience it only takes two or three good, on plan days in a row for those positive feelings to return.

Exercise helps this immensely; I think it is more important for the mental and emotional benefit than for the calories it burns. You can definitely lose weight without exercise but won't feel nearly as good (again, in my experience).

As others have said, catching up on your sleep will also be a huge mood boost. Now that your daughter is getting better things can only improve so hang in there and be good to yourself.

Chris

Lilian said...

You are truly an inspiration to many people who is struggling with obesity! I think you do magnificently well with what you have. Please don't be hard on yourself cos you should be proud. I hope you are!

Just one small thing: I've checked some old posts and you have dropped bad eating habits, made some really healthy changes throughout the last years. Why do you still keep on having bacon fairly often is beyond me, tho'. Maybe it's a cultural thing...

Anyway, you're utterly amazing ~ You better believe it!

Best wishes & cheers from Brazil.

Lyn said...

Lilian~

Thanks for the kind words! The bacon question is something I actually wrote a post about not too long ago; you can read it here:

http://www.escapefromobesity.net/2012/03/bacon-on-diet.html