I learned something about myself yesterday.
I learned that I am capable of pushing through pain and doing what I am committed to doing. Oh, I knew I had determination and such, but like most people, I am not a fan of pain. I avoid it. In fact at the first sign of pain I generally give up whatever thing I am doing and go wallow. But not yesterday.
I am not kidding you when I say my physical therapy yesterday was the most physically painful thing I have experienced in awhile. I am not new to pain; I live with it every day. It is chronic in my joints because of severe degenerative arthritis and some old injuries and bone spurs that ought to be repaired. Well, that's my knees. Frankly I have no idea what's going on with my shoulders. Some days I cannot even raise them over my head. They get better and then worse again; I thought they had 'healed' and I had no shoulder pain when I saw the doctor last week so I didn't even bring it up. But the pain came back so I will have to go in and see what's up. Probably just more of the arthritis. It runs in the family and starts young. Right now, I cringe and wince every time I put on a shirt or a coat or a sweater. It hurts that bad. Anyway, I live with pain on a daily basis and I also get migraines (got a killer one yesterday) but they pale in comparison to the PT pain.
Those exercises did not hurt when I weighed 180. Not even the first time I did them in the PT office did they *hurt.* Uncomfortable, sure. Maybe a TEENY bit of hurt, but not actual pain. Now? PAIN. It is not the kind of pain that says "stop, you are hurting yourself." My therapist went over that with me, teaching me when to quit. This is more of a "wow you got soft, you have no strength, your legs are way heavier, and you are not used to moving" pain. I actually was in tears when I was lying on the floor doing the exercises. I was muttering to myself the whole time, and was not saying nice things, either. Okay, so you get the picture. Doing PT was very painful yesterday.
But I did it anyway. I forced myself to complete the reps and sets, to not give up and sit in a pile on the floor crying about how hard it is. I cussed under my breath and did it anyway. And I am no worse for it, either.
This is the first time in months that I have made it through ALL the PT exercises I am supposed to be doing. There is one... basically a modified one-footed squat... that he added after I had gotten fairly strong that I physically was unable to do yesterday. I tried but was not able. I will keep trying and eventually I will be strong enough to do it again.
It took me about 25 minutes to do all the exercises, including a 5 minute warm up on the bike. Later, I walked a mile with the dog. I intend to bike in 5-10 minutes sessions, once or twice every weekday, until I can build up to longer times without hurting myself. I also will be doing those PT exercises three times a week. I am strong enough. I can do this and I will not quit, pain or not.
My eating was okay.
Breakfast: 1 egg over easy, 1 slice bacon, 1 navel orange, 2 c coffee w/ 2 Tbsp half and half.
11:00, running errands: Medifast shake
1:00 lunch at home: nonfat Greek yogurt mixed with Barlean's fish oil, strawberries, blueberries, a few Marcona almonds and 3 pieces of dried coconut.
3:00 I was feeling a little *crazy* and starting to pace around looking for something to eat before going to get my little girl from school and take her to dance. I ate about 5 bites of rice pudding (homemade).
6:00 dinner: one braised short rib (grass fed beef), half cup of carrots that cooked with the ribs, 1/3 cup of steamed broccoli, and 2 big servings of salad (mixed greens/veggies, dried cranberries, toasted hazelnuts, Balsamic vinaigrette)
So after dinner I was uncomfortably stuffed. I ate way too much salad. It was so good.
Evenings have been the hard part of my day. After I get my daughter to bed around 7:30-8, I am TIRED. I can't go to bed until 10 at the earliest (kids/dogs) so that leaves me 2 hours to do *something*. I am usually too tired to do any cleaning or exercise at that point (although tonight I am going to try adding a 5-10 minute ride on the exercise bike at that time) and if I do not occupy myself, I tend to snack. I grab a few nuts, some fruit, some cheese, and heaven help me if there is junk food in the house because it is like my resolve is weakened and that is the time of day when I fight to say no. (Let me be clear that I am not *buying* any junk, but we have sort of a community kitchen with several adults contributing. We are re-addressing this issue right now). If there is no junk, I tend to want to eat a bunch of the healthier stuff or want to dive into higher calorie foods I keep on hand for my underweight/medical needs kids. I need to put together a more structured game plan for that time from 8 to 10 p.m. so that I am not thinking about food. I am always wishing I had more time in a day, so perhaps I can make better use of those two free hours.
Last night around 8:30 I ate a few almonds, then a few strawberries, then a few bites of pudding, and then I said to myself "hey wait, you need to knock it off and if you will just control yourself for awhile you can have a Medifast brownie." So I did some reading, watched a little TV, brushed the dog, and then made myself a Medifast brownie. Then I was okay.
Okay, enough talk, I am off to fetch with my dog for a bit and then get on my bike. Catch you later.
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