I really hit rock bottom this weekend.
I have been "trying" so many different things/plans/ways and it is giving me a headache, literally. I woke up with a massive migraine complete with nausea, light sensitivity and one eye seeing things differently than the other eye this morning. It has taken me four hours, a breakfast, 2 cups of coffee, a Tylenol and an aspirin to be functional enough to write this but I am still about half headachey so bear with me here. I want to say some things because I feel like I am at a turning point. Yeah, I have felt like that before and ended up back in the pit a couple of days or weeks later, but enough is enough already with the plans and I just have to take this an hour at a time and turn this around. I need to build some momentum to get back to where I was in October 2010.
It's been almost a year and a half since I hit 175 pounds which was 103 pounds lost. I felt AMAZING. My quality of life was beyond anything I had hoped for. Looking back now on those blog entries, I see how my quality of life has crumbled by regaining 40 pounds since then. I want it back. I want that life back!! I got mad enough this weekend... mad at myself... to force myself into some uncomfortable changes. I struggle with Seasonal Affective Disorder and "forcing myself" to do things over the winter is practically impossible. But now, spring is coming and there is more daylight and sunshine and I think this is the best time for me to get going again.
Where I am today:
I weigh 215 pounds. I am down to ONE pair of jeans that *barely* fits; they are size 16 and they nearly cut me in half when freshly washed and buttoned. I have to wash them every couple of days and while they're washing I have to wear the ONE pair of fuzzy grey sweatpants that still fit me. I feel like a frump! Ugh. I really do.
Medical issues that had disappeared completely at 175 pounds are back. I have acid reflux, am back to taking Tums most nights so I can sleep and propping up on a pillow in bed. My joint pain returned (knees, hips, feet, hands, shoulders) and is bad enough that it prevents me from being as active as I'd like. I no longer swing on the swings with my daughter, and when I took her skating the last few times, I didn't skate. I just watched. It SUCKS!! I also have had some heart palpitations coming back. More headaches, more fatigue, worse mood, and far less energy and motivation. Frankly I do not want to do ANYTHING.
It hurts to carry groceries in to the house. It hurts to carry laundry baskets up and down the stairs. Heck, it even hurts to get dressed. The pain in my shoulders is horrible. And I have plantar fasciitis again.
I think I look like crap, too. Obviously very few of my clothes fit me right, as I got rid of all my fat clothes when I was 175 pounds. Ninety percent of my wardrobe is too small and too tight. I have nothing, ZERO, to wear when the weather gets warmer.
What I am doing about it:
I have to focus on action. Minute by minute, I am forcing myself to get up and move. I am not even worrying about formal exercise right now, because over the winter I have become SUCH a slug, very sedentary whenever I am not doing things I *have* to do. So now, I am simply MAKING myself get up and do stuff. Clean, do yard work, play with the dog, DO things. I am making myself get outside in the sunshine. This week I am also making myself do ALL of my physical therapy exercises on Monday-Wednesday-Friday. That will be happening from now on. I NEED to build my strength back to have the quality of life I desire. I am also walking the dog every day and want to build up to 2 miles a day... maybe more eventually. Right now my feet hurt SO BAD after a walk that I am almost limping. Yeah, it sucks.
As for the food, I am so SICK of measuring and counting and planning right now. This week my focus is to eat regular, healthy, real food meals for breakfast, lunch and dinner and knock it off with the grazing all day. If and ONLY if I am TRULY feeling hunger between meals, I will let myself have a Medifast meal. No other choices. All of them are around 100 calories and have plenty of protein in them, so they should fill that NEED if there is truly a need and not a *want to eat* thing going on. After all, I never crave Medifast meals, so if I am willing to have one between meals then it will be likely to be actual hunger. Sort of like this:
me: Wow it's been 2 hours since lunch and I am really hungry!
myself: Oh! Okay, have a Medifast bar.
me: uh, well, I was thinking more along the lines of a latte and a scone.
myself: No, if you're hungry have a Medifast bar.
me: um, hey! How about a handful of almonds and a few chocolate chips! that would be good!
myself: nah, if you're hungry, have a Medifast bar!
me: that doesn't really sound good.
myself: I guess you're not hungry then!
Reminds me of talking to a 4-year-old, actually...
Anyway, the rule is no eating between meals or after dinner except for a Medifast meal if I am really hungry. I think this is a good use of the meals I have remaining. I do plan to fix reasonably healthy meals for the family but right now I need to use up things we have in the freezer (like tonight's beef short ribs), so they may be higher fat or carb than ideal. I am going to always limit myself to one serving of *whatever* and then fill up the rest of the plate with salad or steamed vegetables.
We'll see how this goes and reassess at the end of the week.
*FTC-required disclosure: Medifast provided me with its products for my personal use for free. I am not paid or compensated in any other way for mentioning their products.*
The Family Dinner
52 minutes ago