Sunday, March 18, 2012

What Happened: Regaining Lost Weight, and Pain

This was not a great eating week for me.

It started out pretty well, adding in extra protein and legumes this week and counting calories, aiming for 1500. But by Wednesday I had stopped counting, because hey, this is not working, right? I have been steadily gaining a couple pounds a week all month. Maybe I needed a new approach. Maybe if I relaxed a little and "listened to my body" and ate like a "normal person" the scale would start moving down. And I was getting tired of doing all that measuring, logging, ticking off vegetable and protein servings all day, only to gain weight in the end. So I went and bought some Marcona almonds and some dried unsweetened coconut chunks, a huge container of strawberries, lots of other fruits and veggies and tried to wing it.

Wednesday I ate extra servings of all kinds of things, none of them junk. I had the usual breakfast of an egg, a slice of bacon, and an orange. I ate a lot of salad with dried cranberries and sliced almonds and blue cheese crumbles in it. I ate a handful of almonds here and there and added in a slice of whole wheat bread (even though I hadn't planned to add grains back in, I figured "what the heck, they never seemed to cause me any harm before in my life"), enjoyed a large low fat sugar free latte while I ran errands. And then on Thursday I was stressing about the usual life stuff and went a little crazy. I wanted to EAT for comfort, but instead I walked, I did PT, I paced around eating those darned almonds and coconut, I had a handful of the dark chocolate chips I had on hand for the applesauce muffins I make for the kids. I drank extra coffee and had another latte. I did not log my calories AT ALL. And then for dinner I had a scoop of a casserole someone else had made; from what I could discern, it was made of spaghetti pasta, chicken chunks, Parmesan cheese, peas, and some kind of creamy sauce. I knew it was fatty and salty and had refined white flour pasta so I had only one serving. But afterwards I was really feeling off. I wanted MORE even though it did not taste that awesome. I wanted sweets. I wanted... Oreos. Yeah, Oreos! I don't even like Oreos anymore...

I went to the store. I bought myself a box of Sugar Free Oreos and then I stopped in the ice cream aisle and stared for like 10 minutes at all the ice creams. I was talking to myself in my head the whole time. I finally bought a box of Sugar Free ice cream bars. I went home and ate. I had about 6 of the Oreos and then, an hour later, I had an ice cream bar. They were sugar free, but the guilt was horrible. "Here I am eating this processed crap," I thought. "But at least it is sugar free!" said the other voice. "It is a step in the right direction!" But I knew it really wasn't.

Friday I made that lovely bean soup. It really was nice. It was a great ending to a sporadic eating day. I had a bowl of oatmeal with fruit and nuts for breakfast. I had some Greek yogurt and fruit as a snack. I also had a frozen/processed chicken quesadilla, some more sugar free Oreos, and another sugar free ice cream bar. And yesterday? More of the same. No calorie counting, too much good food plus some unhealthy crap. A few more sugar free Oreos and another sugar free ice cream bar.

Last night I was looking at the rest of those ice cream bars and thinking about just eating them all to "get rid of them." However, I remembered that I am not a trash can and I got rid of them in a much more rational way... into the garbage.

Net for the week is a ridiculous 5 pound gain. I weigh 215 this morning.

Last night I couldn't sleep. I got out my laptop at 1 am and started reading old posts on my blog. I started with posts written a month or so before I'd lost 100 pounds. As I read my life at 175-180 pounds, I got choked up. A single tear slid down my face. The pain, emotionally, is almost unbearable. I have to stuff it down. I wanted to find the answer. What happened? What happened to me? I kept reading and I saw. I saw the absolute, distinct change from joy and triumph to despair and hopelessness, the beginning of the upscale climb in the month after I hit my low weight. I cried because I understand why. But I don't know how to fix it.

It is NOT as simple as eat less, move more. It just isn't. 


Anonymous said...

Oh Lyn. Hugs to you!

Catherine said...

You are not alone. I understand your despair.

Eating disorders are a hellish burden to bear.

Love and strength,


Ron from NJ said...

You understand why...but don't know what to do about it. Share what you have learned with someone...anyone. Maybe they will have an idea. Maybe you just need a different viewpoint to see what you are missing. I am still trying to find the why. Maybe what you figured out could help others. I think the important thing for you RIGHT NOW is to just remember that you are at this point for a reason. Whether it is to learn something you need, or to share what you have learned....just believe there is a reason...and keep going.

We are listening.

Jac said...

No, it really isn't that simple. If it were, most of us would succeed at losing AND maintaining. The "eat less, move more" myth makes us feel guilty, ashamed, and like utter failures when it doesn't work.

You may have made bad choices, but this isn't all your fault. I really believe there are a lot of flaws in conventional weight-loss "wisdom".

You'll find the right way, Lyn. And as you search, I'll keep praying for you.

Karen said...

You're right! It's not as simple as eat less and exercise more.

It's as simple as giving up wheat and sugar. No one said easy, but try the Whole 30. One you cross that bridge and the cravings stop, then it's your ticket off the crazy train-IMO. Eating Primal ( think Primal Blueprint) may also work.

You are worth it. You are worth the work it takes to get healthy again. We are all worth that. Never give up

This is it. Your chance to take action before more health problems develop. Best wishes and no matter what you choose, still cheering you on. Karen P

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry your are feeling so badly with all of this. I commented earlier about feeling and embracing hunger, it keeps me in control. I have not eaten yet today, and am not anorexic, just in control and really very healthy, as I will eat a great meal soon with my family and probably not much the rest of the day. I find it easier to restrict my food times during the day, as I am a food addict and one little bite opens the door to non stop eating for me. So I eat well, but infrequently. I used to weigh 231 and have been at 155 for a number of years now and with restricting my meal times, I don't have to think about losing or gaining, I maintain here pretty well. The joint pain, muscle aches, insulin fog and depression my old eating habits caused went away. Yes, I am very healthy, it's like little mini fasts almost every day and I get enough calories and enough nutrition and I don't get too many calories in a week, even if I do eat too much on a particular day. My body really loves this so much more than munching all day long. Yeah, I had to put my time in to get used to the change, but now it's comfortable and I don't feel slogged down every day. I open my life up to so much more when food does not control my whole day, I have so many more hours to do other things. Our ancestors did not eat all day long and we also are not really wired that way, physically and hormonally.

But really not to kill that dead horse. The things I hear you eating...too much fruit, bean soup, oatmeal, a slice of wheat bread, high carb white flour "sugar free oreos" know these things are not for you right now. Some people can handle these foods without issues, you and I can't. Well, I can more with restrictive eating times...but mostly we just can't and never will be able to. Now someone with MS or cancer or whatever illness also wishes they could do things that their particular disease may not allow them to do, and with our issues it's kind of the same. You don't eat seafood as it's so bad for you, these other foods are the same, they just may cause problems more slowly with the way you are eating them, and cause your life to be miserable in the meantime.

Remember the South Beach way, if nothing else. Low carb salads, quality protien, low carb veggies. Really no fruit, no beans, no grains. You understand this, you know why.

PaulaMP said...

Lord knows I feel your pain, but can you please stop snacking? I know in recent years it is always touted as the "answer" to never feel hungry, blood sugar, blah blah blah, but I'm a lot older, and trust me, back in the day three square meals a day was enough. I think snacking alone is the way to put on weight even if you are perfect at every meal. I'm not perfect, but I can say I do much better when I'm not chewing and sipping all day long. I'm not sure when it happened but nobody can go without a large drink and something to munch on. In the 50s, 60s, 70s you never saw this and almost everybody was slim. Please don't give up on the exercise, that helps me not to be hungry too plus the extra muscle helps burn up more cals even when you're sitting. I'm rooting for you Lyn, you can do this, I can do this, it just takes time. xoxo

Anonymous said...

PaulaMP said some of the same as I have been living these past years. Back in the 70s when I was growing up, we didn't eat after school, we sat down and had pot roast, potatoes, salad and veggies for dinner. Dessert was a treat, not an everyday thing. We played outside, we rode our bikes, we walked, did sports. I was a bad teenager and young adult and didn't eat breakfast. And what does "breakfast" mean? It means our bodies have been given a rest and we can break the fast. Bedtime and evening snacking, no matter how healthy the choice is, does not give our bodies a chance to fast and rest and repair. Lord, insulin is not your friend and we were not designed to deal with it But with my bad behavior as a teenager and young adult of skipping breakfast and being strong and healthy while doing it, when I did become heavier and less healthy I thought back to those times and how my body was happier. So it's working for me again. I know this isn't for everyone, but my troubles started in the late 70s, early 80s when "low fat" became the healthy thing and diets high in carbs and refined garbage emerged. I went back to the day when people were slim and had pot roast, potatoes, salad and veggies with their families for dinner. Yum!

Anonymous said...

Wow, some of these comments contain really poor advice. So I won't add my two cents and perhaps contribute to the confusion.

Just know I am hoping for the very best for you. I know you will find your way through this, Lyn. You have so much going for you, including the support here. Hang in there.

Anonymous said...

Those sugar free oreos are like crack to me! As a diabetic I hate how much fat is in these products and how expensive they are.

No more for either of us!

Things will get better.

Jane said...

I've had some bad eating days recently too. :( You are right, it is not as simple as move more, eat less. At least for me, it isn't!! Hang in there!

Claire said...

It's not about food- its about emotions.

RhubarbLady said...

Your post this morning made me cry (but in a good way) that I'm not alone in going through hard times. Why? Because I know we are strong women and we will make it through.

I went back and reread some of the things from the time period you mentioned. You've been through traumatic things in the past and present and there are those of us out here that can both sympathize and empathize. Please feel our love and positive wishes for you and ourselves. It's hard to get out of a vicious cycle when we are there but know during this down time that you have made great strides and little baby steps forward over these years of blogging.

I look at the things you've written about your children and friends and family and I want to applaud and praise you-caring for others is often a thankless, underpaid task but one with great rewards. You are making progress for yourself and you are making a positive difference in the lives of many people both close to you and far away.

It's okay to not be perfect and the down times can't last forever. Sometimes all we can do is take one day, one hour, one minute at a time. Give yourself, your kids and the pooches a hug from all of us rooting for you but also wishing we could be there in person to be a shoulder to cry on and a hand to give you a lift up.

Anonymous said...

Forgot to add to my previous comment that you should give yourself credit for all you have done. You cured the binge eating, no longer eat fast food and have still kept off the majority of your weight. Things might not be perfect but there are positives.

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. You've accomplished amazing things, and this rough spot doesn't take away from that. I'm sure you'll hear a million pieces of advice about what food group you just have to give up or what book you just have to follow to make it all easy, but I don't think anything makes this easy. But you can succeed, you already have succeeded, and this is only temporary. Take good care of yourself.

Anonymous said...

Big hug Lyn!

Disclaimer: If you're sick of getting so much advice, please skip the rest. I don't want to offer anything that's not welcome.

I'm a food addict (and not just with sugar and wheat, cutting those out never "fixed" anything for me, I've binged on steamed shrimp, green vegetables, cheese, and chicken thighs in the past). Like a few others who have posted here, I found help with intermittent fasting. Granted, I never thought it would work because I had the must-eat-regularly and hunger-equals-binges mindset. But I was wrong.

Although it took a while for my body to become fully accustomed to eating this way (maybe two weeks or so), it's made everything easier. I eat 3 meals per day within an 8 hour window (around 1pm, 5pm and 9pm). My body has learned to expect food only during this time, so that I don't even *think" about food during the rest of the day. This has been the biggest tool in combatting my compulsive eating problem.

Totally against mainstream advice, of course (most nutritionists will advocate against this, but only because they don't understand what it's like to be a compulsive eater). This has done more for me than low-carb or primal eating ever has.

Anonymous said...

Dear Lyn,

I've been trying to sit on my hands not to write, because I know when somebody is feeling this lost, it is difficult to absorb feedback that is not an instant fix. Yet, as I've said on numerous occasions, I feel like I've really benefitted so much from reading your blog, that it is difficult to refrain from wanting to offer an observation.
I've read your blog over a period of weeks, from beginning to end. Others have mentioned that your intellectual process seems to have undergone a change, from the time you started to recent years. Perhaps privately you are just as introspective and analytical as you used to be, but you share less of that and more of the nuts and bolts of food and physical activity issues. Of course, that is perfectly fine. It is your blog, your process.

Some have suggested that you may benefit from counseling and you offered reasons why this is not something that fits into your life. This is also fine. Not everybody needs or benefits from that type of intervention. One cannot benefit from anything unless a certain level of self motivation exists. If it does not, you will be wasting your time. I am sure you are familiar with the joke about "how many psychologists it takes to change a lightbulb".

The observation I'd like to offer and you may find it of no use, but here I go anyway, is that you may wish to explore the issue of "secondary gains". Only you know what may be more motivating to you in remaining at a weight that is not your goal, than actually making it to your desired weight or physical condition.
What is judged to be "reinforcing" for a person is such an individual thing. We all think we know what that is, but in fact, may find that something ELSE is more reinforcing than the obvious. A very powerful motivator may be at work, that keeps you "stuck" in this situation.
I know that the initial motivation one has when starting to lose weight or really, any major life change, wanes occasionally, once a "comfort zone" is reached. It seems that for some of us the "goal" has less to do with a certain number on the scale than it has with the original motivation. Fear of illness, being incapacitated, the desire to attract a particular partner or to be healthy for the sake of offspring who may still be young, a particular job, travel, avoidance of medication that has particularly undesirable side effects and numerous other motivations, get us started. Once we achieve the desired effect, even if we have not YET reached our goal weight or physical condition, we may lose steam. The motivation is no longer as powerful.

I cannot help wondering if consciously or not, there may be a reason, real or perceived, that is more motivating than your desire to achieve your original goal. What may be at work here is the "secondary gains" of this merry-go-round you are creating for yourself.
I don't give food & activity advice and I do not recommend books and philosophies because ultimately different things work for different people and somebody who is determined will make it happen regardless of program and physical ability. I believe that there are few people who are as informed as you are regarding this topic. Something, however, is keeping you from applying what you know and it is my unsolicited opinion that once you figure out what that is, you will do what you need to do, including doing nothing.
Once again I wish to thank you for your blog and to say that I hope that something or someone will be as instrumental in your having an epiphany as your blog has been for me.
Best wishes,

Anonymous said...

eating primal, paleo, whatever you want to call it-i believe it will be something temporary for you, until you find true balance. i don't think trying to remedy someone's problems with another restrictive plan is the answer at all. try to restrict EVEN MORE for someone who is struggling with any restriction and what do you get?

Anonymous said...

I also want to say that I really agree with those that talk about the importance of not snacking, learning to be hungry sometimes, and etc.

I think something like 1 small, low-calorie snack a day isn't going to hurt anyone but it's more when it becomes a constant thing. As someone who has binged on so many weird things, things that most people wouldn't even consider binge-worthy, I know I personally do better with eating on somewhat of a schedule and little to no snacking.

Now if I know I'm going to go an extra long amount of time without food, a small snack is definitely a good thing, but not all the time. I wonder if Medifast got you into this habit of eating? From reading your past entries it seems that way. It's just a really tricky thing to keep up and dangerous for someone that has a tendency to overeat, in my opinion.

Elaine said...

I'm praying for you, Lynn.

Anonymous said...

I just want to join those folks in saying that I am a long time reader, and have gained such inspiration from your never ever giving up, and always addressing what's going on. I wish I had an easy answer for you, but, like you, I struggle. I just want you to know you have a vast support system and that we are all rooting for you. Sending you all my best. You are NOT alone.

Diandra said...

If it were that easy, no one would ever be overweight for a longer period of time.

Find out why you (want to) eat. Find out what you could do instead. And don't give up. We all know you can do this.

beerab said...


It's hard, I know, and many of us do.

Like I was doing so well last week, got down to 196, THEN we got invited out to happy hour and that spiraled until I saw a flash of 200 on the scale one evening. Told myself there is no freaking way I'm seeing 200 again. I went right back to cutting out the carbs and even worked out that night.

It's so easy to fall back into the old habits unfortunately.

I honestly think what worked best for you was eating as clean as possible- good for you for getting rid of that stuff (I just have to fight it because my husband still eats it but really he shouldn't). Take it one day at a time- I know you can do it again!

Lizette Wilson said...

I just cam across your blog and even as you are at a 'low' right now, I see your progress and you are an INSPIRATION to ME!! You have come so far!! I cringed when you mentioned "eating like a NORMAL PERSON" I SAY THAT TOO and it makes me MAD! I will NEVER be able to 'Eat like a NORMAL PERSON!!" Every day of my life is a diet and I hate that! It makes me mad that my husband can eat anything and everything and doesn't gain, and if he does gain 5 or 8 pounds WHO CARES, he is a guy!!! Ever since I hit my 40's my metabolism halted! I feel your pain, and I am sorry :( but, please know that I see a beautiful soul who has lost so much and is an inspiration to me!! Please have a good week! Lizette

Anonymous said...

Dear Lyn,
I understand completely the issue to which you refer re. confidential information. It is one of the things I really admire and respect about your blogging. You protect the privacy of those in your life. It is for this reason that I hypothesized that you may still be working on certain issues but not necessarily sharing them publically.
I also understand how it feels to be lost, to be diet and program weary and experience a quicksand type sinking.
If you remember, we met on 3fc. At that time, I felt similarly. At that point I had one goal and one goal only: to stop the binges. I believed that once I got control over ONE aspect of my behavior, success may breed success. I did not even consider the weight loss as primary. I was so desperate by the complete lack of control that I had no idea where to start. As I mentioned before, I've lost 80-100# on three occasions in my life and many smaller amounts, numerous times. It was always easy: I starved myself. I did it in a matter of months. It never crossed my mind that I could not do it anytime the motivation struck me. I was dumbfounded when my "trick" stopped working.
Why am I sharing all this? To tell you that I understand that despair and for me, at least, what was needed was to have control over ONE aspect of it and that was to stop the binges. It is the reason I started the calorie counting and stopped weighing myself. The scale was not the issue, since I was gaining weight anyway. What mattered was the control over the amount of food I ingested. I started reading your blog, I understood some new things about my life, my thinking, my expectations, my relationship with food and a variety of people in my life.
Eventually I changed what I was eating as well as how much. This did not happen until I was able to conquer the overeating. I've accepted, for the first time in my life that I will NOT be losing 80# in 6-10 months but I may lose one pound/wk, which in the past may have seemed almost like a waste of time.

I am not suggesting that my experience has anything to do with yours, but I am suggesting that this feeling of loss of control can be devastating and it sets up a negative spiral. I do not doubt for a second that your wish is to reach your goals.

My hypothesis regarding the possibility of secondary gains was based on my concern that there may be some unexplored "benefits" to your difficulty in following your own plans for more than a few days at a time and your frequent desire to change your course of action. By steering off course, it seemed to me, the pattern often resulted in a wt. gain.
I find that occasionally, an interested and caring person who is not invested in our choices, but simply wishes us to succeed, may become aware of patterns of behavior that we are too close and involved to observe. They may not be any more aware of our motivation, overt or covert, than we are, but can be relatively reliable and objective observers of our behavior.

As always, I wish you the ability to find what you need in order to achieve your definition of success and the peace and serenity you work so hard to achieve for yourself and your kids,

Anna Down Under said...

I wanted to give you a big hug. I have no advice for you because I'm still struggling with it myself, and even if something does work for me that doesn't mean it will work for you. I really just wanted to say I feel your pain, I've been there before and it's NOT as easy as eat less, move more, NOR as simple as giving up wheat and sugar, or any of the other advise you have here. It's a daily battle and all I can do is offer my support and say that you have made a major accomplishment, even if you're facing a set-back right now. Hang in there and don't give up.

KansasSunflower said...

I would like to mention something very positive about this post. I read in the beginning of your blog what one of your typical "binges" was, and I was like "WHOA"!

Do you realize you have come SO FAR from those days? When you decide to go off your diet, you actually try to make healthy choices when you "binge"? Sugar free this, fruit that, etc. I think that you've at least learned, as you've been changing your lifestyle, to make healthy choices, even when you binge.

I know you're going up on the scale and how frustrating and demotivating that can be, and how that just makes you want to give up and eat because, what does it matter, you'll just gain anyway, right? But it won't last forever!

I read the first part of your blog, where you weren't on any "specific" diet, where you just made good and healthy choices (I don't know if you counted calories, but of course you'd have to). You seemed happier that way, but I haven't read your whole blog.

You can do it! : ) You've done it before, just make up your mind that you WILL do it, and you will! : ) You're not perfect, people have bad weeks, bad months, get stuck in plateus for seemingly ever, but the weight WILL come off!

Just don't give up or give up hope! : )

Overhauling-Me said...

I have followed you off and on. Off, when I haven't been taking care of myself and On when I have been. But you have been committed to this journey the whole time. Even through the ups and downs, the good and the ugly!

You are so right, it is so much more than eat less move more!

Anonymous said...

Here's what it takes: eat about 1200 calories a day 90% of the time. Often eat less than that. Very rarely, eat more (up to 1600).


I've been at 178 lbs for 2 years, give or take a few (highest 180, lowest 167). I average 1200 a day. It sucks. I thought I got fat because I was a compulsive overeater. That was only partly true. Some of us are super efficient at storing fat and great at holding on to weight. Theoretically, I *should* weigh about 135, based on the the amount I consume and the activity I do. My body doesn't care what the science says. If I eat more, I gain. I don't have time to exercise more than an hour a day.

My body is never going to be *normal* in terms of metabolism. My thyroid tests fine. It makes no sense. I suspect much of the *diet world* is in denial about this, and hence explains a lot about regaining weight.

Make peace with your weight--eating an amount you can tolerate forever.
Hugs and best wishes.

Niecy said...

Be kind to yourself. We struggle the same way any addict does and have our ups and downs. I agree with what I read in another comment - you have come so far and you need to give yourself credit.

I do not know what you are going through personally and I'm not sure why counseling is out of the question, but what about something like Overeaters Anonymous, just for a place to let your pain and fears go?

I also do not know a lot about MediFast, except that ever since I had gastric bypass and ended up so ill (still dealing with it), I no longer believe in depriving myself. I have come a long way myself and make healthy choices 95%of the time, but I still love food; I am just beginning to love healthier food along with some of the "other" kind.

I have no idea what I am trying to say, Lyn. I just really feel for you and wish I knew how to help. I know the pain this issue brings and I hate that for you. So, just be kind to yourself. Remember how far you have come. Let others support you through this, and do not give up on yourself. It's a rough patch. It hurts, but it does not mean you have failed. You have not failed...and won't. Hugs...

Anonymous said...

Go back to medifast! No, its not fun but it has worked for you. Is the boring food worse than gaining back weight? It really sounds like you need a very structured plan right now until you get to a weight that allows for some ups and downs. If medifast it just not an option, I'd seek out another plan - clearly winging it is not working.

Lindsey said...

I really feel for you. Like many say, it's not the food. Our outsides and behaviors are a reflection of what is going on the inside. I wonder if you have ever embraced your identity as a healthy person? I have lost over 40 pounds, and sometimes I look int he mirror and don't recognize myself. It is like I am in another person's body, and it's not real? Do you ever feel like that? You have to take on the identity as a healthy person and be able to be that person every day. I look at what you are eating now, and I want to say no no no stop. It really is simple in that if you eat "healthy" you will be healthy. In this case "healthy" is whatever you supports your weight/health goals. It's not a matter of blue cheese crumbles being healthy; they are only healthy if they support the goals you have for yourself. Healthy is not the same for everyone. I appreciate your honesty. Go back to basics. Stop trying to make up your own rules.

AprilA said...

Lynn, I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time of it. :(
Does wheat trigger an acute downward spiral for you?
I'm not celiac, but it's quite noticible I get all kinds of symptoms when I re-introduce wheat after a break from it. It affects my mood (ie depression/anxiety), it causes joint and muscle pain, bloating, gas...nice!
But most frightening of all I get REALLY intense cravings for wheat containing foods for days afterwards.
After gradually weaning myself off I'm hoping I've given it up once and for all this time.
I'm very early in my weightloss journey but I'm much longer into a health recovery journey, and I'm certain wheat has been playing some pretty mean tricks on me for years. The best way to test for a problem is to avoid it like the plague for 2 weeks (unmask it) then try some and see how you feel.
I'm just putting this out there in case something in my experience resonates with you.
Stay strong.

AprilA said...

Ooops, my comment has gone to moderation but I have this sneaky suspicion I *may* have called you Lynn instead of Lyn. Sorry Lyn!

Diandra said...

Just read this and thought of you. Maybe there is some good advice to be found for you?

Cathy said...

Lyn, you have a lot of people who are wishing you well. Through all your postings, whether following medifast or whatever, it seems like so much of your thoughts are on food. Now granted, this is a weight loss blog, so that may not represent your every day life. I am absolutely in favor of a plan, but we have to find a way to break free of all our thoughts being about "what we are going to eat next". I have no magic answers because I am working on that myself. Even though you are gaining weight, I hope you can find way through by transitioning to a diet of whole, real foods.

Belle said...

This is probably not going to be a very popular comment but.... go back on Medifast! It works, it's very structured, it is NOT unhealthy. I screwed up and went off the plan back in Dec. I didn't transition, I just tried to wing it. I was going to be "on a break" and then go back to the plan in Jan. By the end of Feb I was up 17 lbs!!!! I tried towards the end of Feb to count calories etc.... didn't work, I'm now back on Medifast and feeling good and losing again. I am determined to stay on it until I reach my goal and then do a proper transition so I will know what and how much I can eat to maintain. I know this will be a lifetime challenge but we can't give up! You can do this Lynn, I know it!

Anonymous said...

Read the Beck Diet Solution. It isn't a diet; it's mental/emotional help. It seems like super basic stuff but it helps me re-train my brain if you will and helps keep me focused. It also helped me realize some things I didn't want to. Things like fit, healthy, thin women work really hard at it all their lives. I hate that part.

Anonymous said...

I hope this isn't the only place you write -- a journal or other file readable only to you may allow you to PROCESS things without necessarily sharing them? I've been using a desktop wiki, but that's because I'm a geek, and it makes it feel a little more real than starting a .doc or .txt file, or scribbling by hand.

Another site recommendation -- -- not because of the FAT part, but I've realized 2 things. (She's more focused on HAES than FA.)
1) Fat Acceptance (FA) is more about self-acceptance. ok, poof, you're hit with a magic wand so your size is the ideal one, and eating in a way that makes sense to you will maintain it. NOW what? Only your weight has changed with the wand -- what else do you need to do to be most fully you? What does the new mental energy go towards? What have you been putting off (if anything) until some ideal version of yourself manifests?
2) HAES - Health at Every Size -- it doesn't mean to stay at your size if that's not your own healthiest, but we can demand RESPECT at any size, especially from our doctors. Demand the doctor run the tests that s/he would do if you were at a low BMI. If the doc doesn't assume that "lose weight" will fix it, what's the next trick in his bag? (I realized that losing weight can help my knees, but so can increasing my yoga.) Also, being sure to move and eat well (in our own definitions of "well" - whether it's low-carb, moderate portions, fresh fruit, a plan, by times, whatever) - even if you're not small yet. You may not be able to afford a "new house", but there's no need to deliberately continue trashing the existing one. And if you are having an off day, so everything piles up in a corner (or you barely move for 2 weeks), you can always do better, instantly. You don't have to wait to spruce you your house only for parties, Since the goal isn't pounds, but life-improvement, there's no score, but there's no reason to I dunno.... I'm rambling.

Sorry, I've just gotten into reading a lot of her archives, and it's touched something in me, and I hope you find some measure of peace, both physical & mental.


Anonymous said...

Hi, Lyn. I absolutely understand your comment about wanting to eat like "a normal person". I have tried it countless times. I have an internal tantrum.. "why can't I just eat one brownie like every one else!!" It is an internal struggle and the brat in me won't accept that I can't eat like a normal person. I guess we just go one day at a time. Best of luck

crazyjojo said...

Hi Lynn. I have felt that pain as well, I have been struggling with my weight for years after being a slim size 8.
I hope that you don't mind this suggestion, I have been reading "Diet Rehab". It is about eating healthy foods that raise your seretonin level and actively working on thought patterns that reduce depression. I am not pretending that I "know all the answers", this is just a suggestion.
You are a wonderful person and you will find the answer soon!

Anonymous said...

i am not an expert but here is a possible threory

starvation mode....eating under 1200 calories for a period of time and then switching to amounts above 1500 calories when the body is still in starvation mode...could that be the reason for the possible weight gain

if it were me i would not give up...i would stick to a 1300 to 1400 calorie intake for 3 months and see if things balance out.

InWeighOverMyHead said...

It's food addiction Lyn. Hve you thought of OA? They have the meetings on-line and a newsletter for those who don't go to physical meetings.

julie said...

The fake sugar makes me get all snacky. In a bizzarre, very driven kind of way. I don't know why, and it took me a few days to figure out why I kept going for cookies, plain cake (which I've NEVER been interested in), and anything sugar. I went back to regular sugar in my coffee, stopped munching.

stephseef said...

the documentary 'Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead' changed my life. It's streaming on Netflix, or you can watch it for free at too. I can't commend it to you highly enough - i have Rheumatoid Arthritis and terrible knees, and 100 lbs to lose -- I've been following the same fast in this movie since Feb 1 and have lost 36 pounds and am taking my life back with total veggie and fruit juicing - no chemicals, no plan, no fake food. I have never felt as clear headed in my life... and the sense of accomplishment each night when I go to bed - it's astonishing. I wish you the same peace and HOPE that I have found. Press on, Lyn. You can do it.


Lyn said...


I've been to an OA meeting a couple times and I do sometimes show up at the online ones. They can be helpful.


thanks, I will check out the movie.

Barb said...

Dear Lyn,
Hugs! I feel your pain. I've lurked here for so long, but had to write because you and I have followed a very similar (almost spookily so!) path.

2010 was a great year for me weight-loss wise, and I remember thinking "this is so easy!" I was following South Beach, and had no cravings - very little appetite - and the weight was just falling off. As I neared the 100 lb mark last summer it slowed WAY down, and after a few months of that I was getting discouraged. Which led to a little cheating, nothing major but a few pounds crept back on.

One day last fall I remember being in the store, walking past the bakery. For over a year and a half I hadn't even LOOKED at the doughnuts and cakes, there was a part of me that just said "move along, you can't have that". Well that one day, all of a sudden this little voice said "wait a minute, of course you CAN have that if you want it! Just a little bit..." and that started it. I gained almost 40 lb back and now have one pair of size 16 jeans that are too tight but wearable, and one other pair that can only be zipped if I lay on the bed. These are the jeans that were nearly falling off me last fall. I had to break down and buy 2 pairs of size 18 pants to wear to work - I think they are ugly and I hate them.

I've tried to control my eating several times since January and kept failing.

But then last week I went back on just protein and veggies to get rid of the cravings, and for some reason this time it seems to be sticking, and I certainly feel a lot better. I feel like maybe I'm back on track - it's almost like that switch has been flipped back again or something.

I started Weight Watchers a few days ago, even though I'm still following the same general principles that worked for me on SB. So far I am finding that the combination of tracking my food yet not having to count veggies or fruit is helping me eat a lot more veggies (I still limit myself to 2 or 3 small servings of fruit a day) and eating LOTS of veggies has always been the key for me. AND having some "splurge" points so that even when I do want to indulge I'll still be on plan, will hopefully head off that "oh well I've blown it today, I might as well eat that entire cheesecake" mindset.

I am feeling hopeful again - and I hope you find your path again soon too! I think you will. You have a lot of people praying for you!

Rachel said...

This made me so sad. I wish you the best.

It's not about the food. You have so many people offering you advice about the food, but it's not about the food! The food is the symptom, not the cause. Figure out the cause. Treat the cause.

Anonymous said...

We all know that to succeed at weight loss, you have to find what works for you. And no one telling you what to do is going to make any difference. Medifast clearly worked for you before, but my impression is that it has conditioned you to constantly be eating and always be thinking of food. Yes, it can be argued that one struggling with weight loss is going to always think of food. Maybe what could help is trying to eat by times of the day...and not every hour or hour and a half, like on Medifast. Eat a good breakfast. Don't each lunch until 3-4 hours later. Pick a time on the clock and stick with it. If you are so hungry you feel like you will die, then your breakfast needs improvement. Maybe add more protein the next day. One of the hardest things for me is to learn it is ok to be hungry for a little bit.

As far as dealing with cravings or potential binge triggers, the only thing that works for me is thinking what purpose that food/snack/whatever serves once it is in my body. What good are those sugar free Oreos doing once you swallow them? The taste is gone. I could have had fries with lunch but I went with steamed broccoli. Why? Because sitting here now, the temporary emotional satisfaction of those fries would be long gone. And they would only be triggering me to eat other bad-for-me things. It's's all about retraining your thinking.

Good luck!

Kim said...

I found your blog through another blog. I recently started one too. I know exactly how you feel. It's ironic, last night I made a post on MY blog that I honestly believe may help you out. I don't post this so others will click, this is honest, one compulsive overeater to another, read my post, even if you remove my link from your comments, take a couple of minutes and read it. I really am trying to help others, as well as myself, and I think you may get something from it. It's titled "Four Weeks Of Weight Loss... And Counting". Good luck. I'll be an avid reader of your blog from now on. LOL. I love to read stuff from others who know how I feel. =)