This was not a great eating week for me.
It started out pretty well, adding in extra protein and legumes this week and counting calories, aiming for 1500. But by Wednesday I had stopped counting, because hey, this is not working, right? I have been steadily gaining a couple pounds a week all month. Maybe I needed a new approach. Maybe if I relaxed a little and "listened to my body" and ate like a "normal person" the scale would start moving down. And I was getting tired of doing all that measuring, logging, ticking off vegetable and protein servings all day, only to gain weight in the end. So I went and bought some Marcona almonds and some dried unsweetened coconut chunks, a huge container of strawberries, lots of other fruits and veggies and tried to wing it.
Wednesday I ate extra servings of all kinds of things, none of them junk. I had the usual breakfast of an egg, a slice of bacon, and an orange. I ate a lot of salad with dried cranberries and sliced almonds and blue cheese crumbles in it. I ate a handful of almonds here and there and added in a slice of whole wheat bread (even though I hadn't planned to add grains back in, I figured "what the heck, they never seemed to cause me any harm before in my life"), enjoyed a large low fat sugar free latte while I ran errands. And then on Thursday I was stressing about the usual life stuff and went a little crazy. I wanted to EAT for comfort, but instead I walked, I did PT, I paced around eating those darned almonds and coconut, I had a handful of the dark chocolate chips I had on hand for the applesauce muffins I make for the kids. I drank extra coffee and had another latte. I did not log my calories AT ALL. And then for dinner I had a scoop of a casserole someone else had made; from what I could discern, it was made of spaghetti pasta, chicken chunks, Parmesan cheese, peas, and some kind of creamy sauce. I knew it was fatty and salty and had refined white flour pasta so I had only one serving. But afterwards I was really feeling off. I wanted MORE even though it did not taste that awesome. I wanted sweets. I wanted... Oreos. Yeah, Oreos! I don't even like Oreos anymore...
I went to the store. I bought myself a box of Sugar Free Oreos and then I stopped in the ice cream aisle and stared for like 10 minutes at all the ice creams. I was talking to myself in my head the whole time. I finally bought a box of Sugar Free ice cream bars. I went home and ate. I had about 6 of the Oreos and then, an hour later, I had an ice cream bar. They were sugar free, but the guilt was horrible. "Here I am eating this processed crap," I thought. "But at least it is sugar free!" said the other voice. "It is a step in the right direction!" But I knew it really wasn't.
Friday I made that lovely bean soup. It really was nice. It was a great ending to a sporadic eating day. I had a bowl of oatmeal with fruit and nuts for breakfast. I had some Greek yogurt and fruit as a snack. I also had a frozen/processed chicken quesadilla, some more sugar free Oreos, and another sugar free ice cream bar. And yesterday? More of the same. No calorie counting, too much good food plus some unhealthy crap. A few more sugar free Oreos and another sugar free ice cream bar.
Last night I was looking at the rest of those ice cream bars and thinking about just eating them all to "get rid of them." However, I remembered that I am not a trash can and I got rid of them in a much more rational way... into the garbage.
Net for the week is a ridiculous 5 pound gain. I weigh 215 this morning.
Last night I couldn't sleep. I got out my laptop at 1 am and started reading old posts on my blog. I started with posts written a month or so before I'd lost 100 pounds. As I read my life at 175-180 pounds, I got choked up. A single tear slid down my face. The pain, emotionally, is almost unbearable. I have to stuff it down. I wanted to find the answer. What happened? What happened to me? I kept reading and I saw. I saw the absolute, distinct change from joy and triumph to despair and hopelessness, the beginning of the upscale climb in the month after I hit my low weight. I cried because I understand why. But I don't know how to fix it.
It is NOT as simple as eat less, move more. It just isn't.