Wednesday, March 14, 2012

More On Fear

Maybe to some, my fears seem irrational. Maybe they are. It's hard for me to say. I know the possibility of something being wrong freaks me out. I don't dwell on it all day, but when I do stop and think about it, I feel kinda sick inside.

My mother died 11 days after being diagnosed with cancer. She'd felt "off" for some time, had seen doctors and specialists and had even gone to the ER a couple of times. She was told by various practitioners that she had the flu, a stomach virus, parasites, and a bunch of other random things that it turned out she didn't actually have. But she was morbidly obese, and they all missed the huge tumor in her abdomen, and she died because of it. Mid-50's is awfully young to die. And she never had a chance to fight it.

That's part of my fear. I didn't mention it yesterday, but another thing I was told is I better get my butt in gear and get to the gynecologist because I need to be rechecked again for pre-cancerous cervical cells, have that new-last-year fibroid checked out again, and have them check on the also-new-last-year ovarian cyst. Is it really a cyst? Is it really just a benign fibroid? They got me in quickly so I should be seen next week, unless they decide to switch it to April because of an insurance issue, and I really am quite nervous that they will find something wrong and I will have to go back through that drama that surrounded my last cervical surgery for pre-cancerous cells. I just want everything to be okay. That, and the concerns about thyroid or diabetes, are what's been on my mind as I write. And you all are very right that worry is pointless. Stressing about it makes it worse. So I did keep very busy today and had barely time to think about it at all. I keep telling myself to just enjoy each day and when the results come, they come, and worrying about it beforehand is no good. But it's kinda hard not to worry a little. Prayers welcomed.

My eating was good today; I have found that a few bites of fruit along with a few almonds is a great snack for when I am slightly hungry and need a little something. I got some dried unsweetened coconut, too, and I really like having one slice of that with 2 or 3 ripe strawberries and a few almonds. I am trying different food combinations to see how they make me feel. I did NOT log my calories today. I also did not eat any junk.

I think aside from the medical fears, part of me is just afraid of being yet another dieting failure. Yet another blogger who lost a bunch of weight, rah rah rah, woohoo... and then poof. They either disappear or eventually share that they gained back a bunch of weight. Well, I'm not going to disappear, anyway. Whatever happens it is going on this blog.

For now, I am just channelling the strong me, the powerful Lyn who took control of her life before and is doing it again. I have a lot of experience making mistakes, but I also have a lot of experience succeeding. I believe in myself, so whatever comes, I will be okay.


Elaine said...

Sending prayers you way, Lynn. I'm hoping all the best for you.

Anonymous said...

You are, as usual, an ongoing inspiration to the rest of us.

Karen said...

Prayers to you. Remember this, diagnostic lab tests are Much, much better today than they were since your mom had her illness.

And you are not your mom, but I can see how that past experince adds to the stress.

The only way out is through. Keep going. You will get though this. The answer and that crystal clear path will reveal itself in time.

When it's time to do what you need to do, you'll know. Best wishes and prayers for fast answers and correct diagnosis for you. KarenP.

Liz said...

Oh Lynn, I'll be praying for you!! I read your post yesterday and my heart just sunk. I know that worry about medical things all too well. It's hard because I have a past with it too of something very serious being wrong after my first son was born - I had blood clots in both my legs - and now it's like everytime I go to the Doctor I am panic stricken thinking that the bad news is coming. My point is your fears are probably unfounded and you are just fine - but I don't think they are irrational. And you aren't at 278 pounds so you have made a lot of good changes!!! It's so hard... I hope you have support from your husband and/or friends in real life. And I'll be praying for you!!!

Samantha said...

Praying for you Lynn!!! Try not to worry, but I know that is easier than done!!

Anonymous said...

This sentence is telling: "I have found that a few bites of fruit along with a few almonds is a great snack for when I am slightly hungry and need a little something."

Don't eat when you are "slightly hungry". You really don't "need a little something". Wait until you are truly hingry, then sit down and have a normal meal.

Lyn said...


actually, one thing that has been consistent in my journey has been that if I wait until I am truly/very hungry, I do not make rational food choices. I think the low blood sugar makes me feel like eating anything in my path. And overeating. Better to pay attention and have a small something *before* the blood sugar drop, for me.

Anonymous said...

I agree with you Lyn. If I let myself get too hungry I invariably eat too much at one time. When I eat small meals or snacks when I am mildly hungry I feel better and eat fewer calories over the course of the day.

This is the method that allows me to lose or maintain my weight, depending on my goals at the time.

Anonymous said...

I know I'm just a random person on the Internet but I have a strong feeling there's nothing wrong with you...which can be just as frustrating in a way. Stay strong and positive.

Theresa said...

Good to hear you are keeping busy, but I'd love to see you face things and put them in a healthy space in your head. Does that make sense? If you are avoiding thinking about it there is the chance that it will overwhelm you"........ Hugs for you. I have gained too, but will never give up trying or sorting things in my brain. I admire you for never giving up.

Diandra said...

Even if they do find something that needs medical attention, there are so many treatment options today for issues that would have been deadly a few decades ago... the trick is to catch stuff early. I am sure you will be fine.

Anonymous said...

Hoping you all the best. Hope you get the results soon. Take care.

Jac said...

Prayers that everything is FINE, and that you get a definitive "you're okay!" diagnosis pronto.

Also, I *love* your accountability and transparency on this blog.

Finally, I know that your dedication to your health, wellness and self-healing will carry you through this AND re-losing the weight. You're just a success story in the making! And I, for one, will be following along watching you succeed once more. :)

timothy said...

do you meditate sweetie? it really can help with the stress and if you do a moving meditation such as yoga ot tai chi with weight loss also. sending you prayers and reiki! xoxoxoxoxoxo

julia Stambor said...

Praying for things to turn out okay!
And, while that may not really ease your worries,if there were anything wrong with you it´s quite likely the tests would not fail to notice it, given what they are bound to look for with your family´s medical history, so, have good cheer!

Dinahsoar said...

I too think it is a good idea to eat before you get really hungry. For many years I thought it silly to eat on a schedule, and that I should wait until I was hungry. Well..that may work for some people, but for people with a history of overeating it does not work. It is best to eat small amounts of food through out the day eliminating being so hungry that hunger drives your choices.

As for your fears/concerns. I'm not discounting them. But I want to drive home the point that you are no different than the rest of us. Multitudes of women/people don't have their cancer discovered in time. Multitudes of people have their cancer undiagnosed who are normal weight. Multitudes of women have cysts on their ovaries. Multitudes of women have abnormal pap smears that show abnormal cells. And on and on I could go.

And a lot of those people have all those things at the same time along with diabetes, heart disease and high blood pressure. And a lot of them die because of the health issues/disease, but a lot don't die...they live to see another day...and they don't dwell on all the bad stuff that happens to them.

Learning to live at peace with the uncertainties and difficulties of life is part and parcel of being a mature adult, a mature woman.

And dealing with all the above mentioned stuff while trying to lose weight is pretty common as well.

All of us have a hard row to hoe.

Learn to shake it off and you will do yourself a big favor. Doing so is not living in denial, it is living in spite of your circumstances. It is living above your difficulties and problems. And it is possible. People do it every day. And you can too.

You are strong. You are braver than you think.

Ron from NJ said...

As many others have already said, I am truly hoping there are no real medical problems.

I also want to say that when it turns out that they were just fears and you turn your attention to reclaiming your weight loss...remember that it will NOT make you a "dieting failure" will just add another way that you inspire others by not giving up and disappearing. You will face it and do it again.

Heck, I am still trying to get myself to lose some weight in the first place.

EmmaK said...

Congratulations on your weight loss. Just keep hanging in there. I know you can achieve your goals.

Tammy said...

You ARE strong!! Hang in there. I HATE waiting for test results and everything after the doctor manages to freak you out.:( All will be OK. Prayers being sent.

Ruth said...

Thank you Lyn for being up-front with your weight-loss/weight-gain issues and for continuing to blog. Truth is always the best, whether gaining or losing :-). God bless you girl! (p.s. I also am an inveterate healthy snacker. Good for you for discovering what works best for your body. Always amazing, isn't it?), again, take care. Will be reading to see how you are doing!