Maybe to some, my fears seem irrational. Maybe they are. It's hard for me to say. I know the possibility of something being wrong freaks me out. I don't dwell on it all day, but when I do stop and think about it, I feel kinda sick inside.
My mother died 11 days after being diagnosed with cancer. She'd felt "off" for some time, had seen doctors and specialists and had even gone to the ER a couple of times. She was told by various practitioners that she had the flu, a stomach virus, parasites, and a bunch of other random things that it turned out she didn't actually have. But she was morbidly obese, and they all missed the huge tumor in her abdomen, and she died because of it. Mid-50's is awfully young to die. And she never had a chance to fight it.
That's part of my fear. I didn't mention it yesterday, but another thing I was told is I better get my butt in gear and get to the gynecologist because I need to be rechecked again for pre-cancerous cervical cells, have that new-last-year fibroid checked out again, and have them check on the also-new-last-year ovarian cyst. Is it really a cyst? Is it really just a benign fibroid? They got me in quickly so I should be seen next week, unless they decide to switch it to April because of an insurance issue, and I really am quite nervous that they will find something wrong and I will have to go back through that drama that surrounded my last cervical surgery for pre-cancerous cells. I just want everything to be okay. That, and the concerns about thyroid or diabetes, are what's been on my mind as I write. And you all are very right that worry is pointless. Stressing about it makes it worse. So I did keep very busy today and had barely time to think about it at all. I keep telling myself to just enjoy each day and when the results come, they come, and worrying about it beforehand is no good. But it's kinda hard not to worry a little. Prayers welcomed.
My eating was good today; I have found that a few bites of fruit along with a few almonds is a great snack for when I am slightly hungry and need a little something. I got some dried unsweetened coconut, too, and I really like having one slice of that with 2 or 3 ripe strawberries and a few almonds. I am trying different food combinations to see how they make me feel. I did NOT log my calories today. I also did not eat any junk.
I think aside from the medical fears, part of me is just afraid of being yet another dieting failure. Yet another blogger who lost a bunch of weight, rah rah rah, woohoo... and then poof. They either disappear or eventually share that they gained back a bunch of weight. Well, I'm not going to disappear, anyway. Whatever happens it is going on this blog.
For now, I am just channelling the strong me, the powerful Lyn who took control of her life before and is doing it again. I have a lot of experience making mistakes, but I also have a lot of experience succeeding. I believe in myself, so whatever comes, I will be okay.
A Message to Open my Eyes
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