Tuesday, March 13, 2012

I Look Fat. I Am Scared.

Oh no. It's happened. It's not just a bad dream. My nightmare of waking up fat again has happened.

It is an awful feeling to know the thing I dreaded is reality. I am fat again. I was out of obesity. I was still overweight. But now, there is no denying I am fat. Very fat. You know how you keep telling yourself you haven't gained THAT much weight, that it'll come right back off, that nobody notices. You do catch glimpses of the fat you in the mirror or when you try to put on jeans, but you shove it to the back of your mind. And ignore it. And it isn't real, it's going to be gone soon anyway, you will lose the weight soon. Just the same way a person can go from 145 to 200, or from 200 to 300, and suddenly it hits you: oh my gosh. WHAT HAVE I DONE?? Why didn't I stop myself? How did this happen?

I am fat again and it's going to take a lot of work to get back to a "normal" looking/feeling weight. I *did* look and feel pretty normal at 175. I do not at 210. I feel as fat as I remember feeling at 280. And I am scared!

I went to the doctor. I have been worried. I have had a sore foot which has kept me from doing much walking this week and he gave me antibiotics because it is infected. But that is not what I am scared about.

I do look fat. You know how it is when they weigh you at the doctor's office, how they slide that big weight up bit by bit to get to your weight. And how excited I was when at 175 the nurse just slid the weight to 150 and slowly bumped it up. Because I looked normal. Well today the nurse just immediately slid it right to 200. RIGHT to 200, not even 175, they just looked at me and knew I was over 200. And it made me feel sick in the pit of my stomach. As sick as it made me feel when a child looked at me holding up a dress and said, "no, that's for skinny people." As sick as I felt when I looked down at my thighs the other day and saw how huge they have become. Again. As sick as I felt when I realized I no longer look at the "before" pictures on my blog and thing "wow I was HUGE" and I no longer look at the 175 pound pictures and think "I still look fat in these pictures." Because now those pictures look small, and the befores? I am not as far removed from them as I used to be. The bulges are back, just smaller. Yes, it made me feel sick to my stomach. All of it.

But what I am scared of is what happened in the doctor's office after the preliminary foot thing. I am obviously gaining weight quickly. I am not binge eating. The doctor is concerned. It makes no sense. So he sent me to the lab. They drew lots and lots of blood. Lots. I got dizzy from it all. I felt sick again. But what I am so scared about is what those blood test results might show. I don't even know what to think.

He ordered a complete blood count, thyroid function tests, complete metabolic panel, an A1C test for blood glucose levels over the past 3 months, some other stuff I don't remember. And my blood pressure was high, same as my last visit: 140/90. I am really really unhappy and worried. Before I got up over about 185, my blood pressure was always PERFECT, 120/80 or often less. And now it is creeping up, along with my weight.

I am so unhappy about this!! I am not sure what the heck I am going to do about this. I felt like I have been doing "all I can" but obviously it is NOT enough and I have to push it harder. I have to find it somewhere in myself to make this better, to do better, to live longer, to be there for my children. I HAVE to. Because this is really not just about looking fat or not. This is about my health, my life. I HAVE to fix it.

47 comments:

Holly from 300 Pounds Down said...

I'm sorry. I know this has to be so tough for you but I know you can do this!

Claire said...

Just like Holly said, you can do this.

Maybe it's time to really change things up. Like....start over.

I just joined WW for the umpteenth time, but with a different attitude. I am eating whole as much as possible. I am finding it fun to use the online tracker (I don't do meetings).

Something else I just started doing is taking a cortisol manager. I have some major stress in my life (like you, I have a chronically ill child), and this supplement is helping me get better sleep and helping me to manage my stress better, including my eating.

Once you have those test results back, hopefully you will have some answers, and maybe medication to regulate thyroid or something else that's out of whack.

You'll be okay, girl. Don't panic. How about just maintaining where you are right now? Don't stress the losing for the time being. Wait 'til you have test results. Meanwhile, eat wholesome, unprocessed food, mostly fruits and veggies.

Amanda said...

Maybe it's just stress...stress can affect your body just as badly as a poor diet or lack of exercise. Keeping you in my prayers that it is nothing serious and I know you can get back down again you've done it before you can do it again!

Anonymous said...

So sad to read this. I unestand your conserns. But don't give up the hope. You are a strong woman in many ways. That is a good thing that you went to see a doctor. Checking up your health is a smart thing to do. I was thinking that if your doctor can't explain why your weight goes up, could it be possible that you saw a clinical nutritionist ? Just to chech your eating.

~New Year,New Me~ said...

You have overcome so much to get to where you are now. No matter what those test do or don't say you will conquer this fight & come back out on top.

Deb Willbefree said...

Lyn, this is uncanny. Really.

When I was about 175/180, I felt totally normal. I felt physically and emotionally good. Just normal and at peace with how I looked, even tho I did need to lose another 25 pounds. I walked a couple miles a day, at least. And without effort.

Then a series of events (surgery with a poor recovery and forced inactivity for 3 months, family crisis of a most heartbreaking nature...stuff)occurred that caused me to stop walking, then medicate with food. I gained about 20 pounds over a winter and just couldn't get it off.

But my clothes still fit, just not as comfy. My waist/hip measurements didn't change that much.

Then 195 became 200--but it was just water weight, you know? I'd drop that in a week once I got serious. Then it was 205 and I noticed that my thighs looked swollen...fat is the word. I began to get nervous.

This past week, I was startled (How could this surprise me?) to realize that I was fat again. Really fat. My clothes are NOT fitting. I weigh 213. My hip/waist measurements are back to when I weighed 220 in 2009.

Today, I was at the doctors for eye trouble. A new doctor who didn't know me at 250+. Who didn't know that I had been on a health kick and just a year ago had numbers that the doctors where thrilled with. BP low. A1C normal. I was a medical success story.

And I looked like an older woman who just needed to loose a few, but was doing the right things and having good results.

The minute after he said hello, he began a little lecture on how easy it is to ignore diabetes and not eat right and not exercise and how serious the consequences are.

Lyn, last year he would not have given me that lecture. He would not have made the assumption that I had ignored my diabetes. He would have known I was tending to it.

I couldn't even muster a rebuke at his assumption, because he was right. Today, he was right. It doesn't matter that I have worked on it...today is another story.

I sat there, poured into my jeans and took the lecture, silently. It was devastating. The reality that my past success was no longer valid stung and slapped denial away.

Ha. Except for the details,I just sort of rewrote your post, didn't I?

I hope your labs come back well and nothing irreversible is found and you discover your path back to health.

I, of course, know what is causing my refound fat. I just need to do what I need to do. Denial dies hard, but painfully, doesn't it?

Best wishes, girlfriend.

Deb

Deb Willbefree said...

Lyn, I can't find the "Subscribe by email" button so that I will get future comments in my email. It used to be here.

The same thing occurred on another blog that has a comment section like yours. The look is just a bit different than it was. That blogger is unsure what happened, so I don't know what kind of change occurred--on purpose or accidental.

Is that button here somewhere and I can't find it? I'll check back manually.

Deb

Diandra said...

First of all, relax. Panicking now won't do you any good. And it is especially bad for your health.

I remember you mentioning some health issues from your family, so that may be why you are so worried. But I think your doctor is just covering all the basics. Wait for the test results. Relax. Take a step back and think about what you want to be doing for the rest of your life.

I also kind of remember that losing weight always seemed easier for you during the spring and summer months. Maybe you could start with some kind of health food cleanse and then find out which foods work for you and which don't? I mean, after all the nutritionist recommendations concerning what we should eat do not leave much room for messing up... one or two servings of dairy per day, at least two servings of fruit, at least three servings of vegetables, one or two servings of whole grain, one or two servings of protein; fish at least twice per week, meat not more than three times per week. Regular servings of berries, nuts and legumes (daily if possible). That's quite an amount of food!

Now, try to recover from your foot injury, relax and take your mind off your worries. You will be fine.

Anonymous said...

Long-time reader; first-time commenter.

This post resonates with me.These undeserved weight gains of yours are completely unfair.

Are you accepting unsolicited advice?! For example, don't ever get on a dr. scale. I track my weight on my own scale, and when I have an appointment, I tell them how much I weigh. Most are fine with that. A couple of nurses have still insisted I step on their scale, and I tell them firmly but politely, I have scale issues and I will NOT be doing that. Even a one-pound difference between theirs and mine could send me into an awful place or, even worse, a binge that can turn into weeks of poor eating. It is NOT worth it to me. The experience you described is awful. The psychological side of it is probably harder than then number-result side. Skipping scales in sterile, austere doctor's offices can prevent that kind of emotional grief.

Also, do you know, like REALLY know, what works for you (other than severe calorie restriction, which does the trick for all of us)? For me, I know I HAVE to exercise. Just eating healthy does nothing for me. Isn't that crazy?? I have friends who are different....they JUST need to watch their intake and not have to exercise at all. I know even others who eat and drink with abandon, but can keep it in check with exercise. Me, I need exercise and monitored eating. The exercise component has been missing from your life lately, due to injury.

Be easy on yourself. You are eating well. Your mind is in a healthy place. You ARE doing great. You will get this back under control. I hope exercise is the missing component.

Miz said...

((HUGS))

birchgirl said...

Wow , I really don't have any advice, but I will be thinking about you.

Karen said...

Hang in there. This may very well be the point where you can get additional help and referrals via insurance.

See what the diagnosis is and then ask your doc for referrals to what ever it is you need.

The only way out is through. Keep on going. You will get through this. KarenP

lisa~sunshine said...

I'm sorry.. it does all sound very scary but not so far off from what I went through after I stayed on the protein diet I was on.. Like I said my body showed me signs that things weren't right but I kept pushing that diet because it WORKED.. I think those diets are for short durations.. they need to be followed by a two week break of eating at a maintenance level.. All last year I struggled with gaining... losing.. but i was able to bump up my activity by a lot.. I know my thryoid was supressed and I had issues of metabolic adapation... Even more things happened than this and it was a lot to deal with.. but now I feel much better.. I eat clean healthy whole foods but I don't over obsess about it all being clean.. Like I eat two slices of bread with my breakfast and just aim at a lower cal potato bread for that.. but all snacks I eat are like banana frozen with dark chocolate.. It really is a balance..
It's funny to think that now I know my maintenance from using my fitbit.. it's around 2200 cals a day.. I can eat 2000-2200 and NOT gain weight.. I never thought it was possible until I corrected my system and diet thinking..

Keep us posted.. I know there are a lot of people here rooting for you..
DId the doctor say anything about the high consumption of soy products and your thyroid or just do blood and start there?

Mary Ellen Quigley said...

I know this is hard. I really think that the hardest part of losing weight is learning how to keep it off. You lost the weight once. You can do it again.

Dinahsoar said...

Doing blood work is routine, and they always take a take a lot of vials of blood...that part means nothing. The results are what matters and you are panicking. Until you are told you have something wrong there is no reason to think otherwise. I am a cancer survivor. I know from personal experience that allowing myself to think the worst does no good for anyone. We are adult women and must put our big girl pants on and deal with life issues like big girls. Otherwise we will always live in drama. And that is no way to live.

Blood pressure can go sky high if we are worried, upset, agitated, frustrated. One high blood pressure reading means nothing. And if you do have high blood pressure--as millions of people do--then it is treatable. It is not a death sentence.

Maintaining your weight even if it is overweight or fat weight is healthier than a cycle of losing then regaining.

You'd serve yourself well and your family to put the brakes on your anxious thinking. The reality is you can only control what you can control. The rest is not in your power. Fretting over it is not only a waste of time it is destructive.

Meryl said...

Man, I really relate to this post Lynn. I've been following your blog for a long time and been up & down on my own journey with a recent weight gain myself. I so TOTALLY get the emotion in this post. The panic of actually SEEING yourself fatter and the panic/fear of what it's doing to your health. I'm right there with you...struggling day by day. I know I'm going to lick this and I know you will too. Your persistence and honesty and relentless search for answers will ultimately get you there. And me too. I just wanted to lend support today if nothing else.

Julia Stambor said...

First of all, of course, I´m wishing for those tests to find nothing wrong with you, or at least nothing that ain´t treatable.
Finding yourself back at a point that you thought you´d left behind for good sure is scary. The important thing now is Don´t Panic.
Instead, take a deep breath, accept what is, be glad that this time you woke up before gaining it all back, and then- analyze what has caused this. If your total caloric intake hasn´t been more than what your body needs, part of the gain may be water retention, which would fit in with the risen BP, too. Another thing to look at is what foodstuffs you have been reintroducing. Did you alter your macronutritient balance? I found out, by trial and error, that my weight will be stable or go down at a minimum of 30 per cent of calories from protein, and less than 30-35 percent from carbohydrates. As soon as I eat more carbs I regain, fast. It´s also possible that there may be one or two things that will make you gain rapidly regardless of staying within or even under calories (for me, that´s potatoes and bread, while I can eat small amounts of rice or pasta without immediate regains). What it takes is becoming even more of an expert on the way your own, unique, body works. And- again, that´s how it works for me- daily weigh-ins so you can catch a gain early, which also helps in identifying possible food culprits.
Remember- you have done it once, you can do it again. Regains are a part of the journey when losing weight- I doubt if there´s anybody out there who can lay claim to having been morbidly obese, having lost it all and never having regained a pound during the process. Take the regain as a lesson about what did not work for your body, and go on to find out what you could do better in the future.
You can do this!

Nicole said...

I'm sorry you're feeling so down and scared. I hope everything from the doctor comes back normal.

If it doesn't, then you have a potential source of your challenges that you can deal with directly. That's a good thing.

If it does, then you know there is nothing medically wrong. That's a good thing too. It is WONDERFUL that you went to the doctor if you weren't feeling right.

Here's another piece of good news - you don't have to lose all 35 of those pounds to start feeling substantially better about your body. Sometimes those good feelings come from just being in control and things moving in the direction you want. It's a terrible feeling when the scale is moving up up up, but it's a great feeling when it's moving down, even if it isn't to where you were previously or your ultimate goal.

Hang in there! If I may ask, are you tracking your calories daily so that you are 100% sure you aren't over-eating? What is your calorie level looking like, and what types of foods are you eating (Would any of them be causing water retention, etc)?

Nicole said...

Oh, I was also going to add that weighing in at the doctor always sucks for those of us that weigh in at home first thing in the AM in our skivvies! It isn't usually first thing in the morning, you're wearing clothes and maybe shoes, you aren't sure what to expect, etc.

The scale at the doctor usually shows a good 4 - 5 lbs heavier for me, just from drinking water/eating and wearing clothes. It always makes me question if my goal weight should be naked in the AM or "normal" with clothes, mid-day, at the doctor.

Wishful Shrinking said...

I would also let your Dr know you blog and let him read what is written here and he maybe be better able to help you. I gave my nutritionist a link to mine to give her access to see what I have been eating ect. it was helpful.

Anonymous said...

I know that you're scared of the blood test results, but I'm happy it was done. Something is very strange if you're only eating 1,000 calories a day and gaining weight. I don't buy that it's starvation mode. Perhaps it's only a matter of taking a hormone pill or something like that. I wish the best to you. This has to be very frustrating.

Theresa said...

Let the tests give you a picture of what you need to do and what you need to stop doing. Considering the turmoil in your life with your children it isn't a wonder your BP is high. I would encourage you to find ways of coping better. This is all encompassing if you think about it. You eat because you are stressed. Your BP is high because you are stressed. Your belly fat is increasing because of the stress hormone in your system.
Lyn,
There ARE ways of coping better. You need the tools to do it and the patience to keep the momentum going. Have you ever heard the word catastrocize! Not sure about the spelling..... But it is taking day to day life challenges and increasing the severity to much larger proportions. I think you do this, especially with your kids and weight and aches and pains. It's. Not a bad thing that you're doing, it's just not helping you in your life. This is sent with much care and support. I still encourage you to seek the help of a very good professional to assist you in this.
Hugs,
Theresa

Theresa said...

P.S. Lyn,
I do this too and have to work on a balance every day. <3

Anonymous said...

Have you tried going to a dietician? I have finally gone to one and have since learned that I am eating too few calories. I must have given my doctor a dirty look when she suggested this, but I have since come to realize that this may be the case. I was on Weight Watchers -- eating 1000 to 1100 calories a day, but I didn't realize that I had put my body into starvation mode. Since taking in 1200 - 1300 calories a day and adding in some light exercize, I have lost 4 pounds in the past 3 weeks. You have been at this blog for a long time, and I'm sure you've heard it all before! I'm curious to see if you are stuck in the same rut I am (or hopefully WAS). Here is a good article from MyFitnessPal.com (great site by the way)!
http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/3047-700-calories-a-day-and-not-losing
I very much enjoy reading your blog. Keep your head up! One of these dayswe will get this figured out! ;)

Lia

donner said...

Howdy Lyn...

Yes, seek out a dietician, or a Dr. that can discuss an eating plan that will work for you. I know you've been 'dieting' forever, perhaps if you had an eating plan of eating real food that would be easy to follow, you'd find yourself on a calorie count that will work for you to feel good and lose weight w/out going into the starvation/binge mode that is so tempting...I wish you lots of luck w/ your bloodwork and like so many others have said -relax and assume the best, not the worst. If you panic, it'll only put more stress on your body. Take deep breaths, a long walk with your dog and enjoy some countryside...Get out of the house and let yourself breathe the new Spring air. Don't worry about how you look right now...

Anonymous said...

Keep your chin up, Lyn. Things will work out. You will overcome this, get back on track, and be stronger for it in the end. This is just one of those rough patches we all go through.

Regarding the bloodwork, there is no point in being scared until you have something to be scared about. It is not productive. There is every chance your bloodwork will be fine, and you will have spent this energy worrying for nothing. Learning to live your life to the fullest while you wait to find out if you have a cause for concern is a life skill you need to learn.

Unless it is your thyroid, it would be pretty unusual for something to show up in your bloodwork that is the reason you are not losing weight. Did the doctor have any theories or is he waiting for the labs to come back?

Hang in there, keep fueling your body with healthy food and getting whatever exercise you can within your limitations. Those things will help you feel better and add up in the long run.

N.R.E. said...

I'm glad that you're getting your blood glucose and thyroid tested because your symptoms sound similar to mine. I'm diabetic and have an underactive thyroid. I, too, was very nervous when I got blood taken, but it's important to get a diagnosis if something is wrong. The good news is, my blood sugar is back to normal, I'm off of insulin, my thyroid is returning to normal and all of my other vitals (liver, cholesterol, etc.) are now normal. I'm also losing weight more easily when I was gaining really quickly before.
So while I received a scary diagnosis and don't like having these health problems, the silver lining is that I'm doing something about it and am now back on my way to being healthy again. If something is wrong, it's better for it to be caught now so you can turn it around. What helped me to get through it was to think in practical terms. You're a strong woman and I know that whatever happens, you'll use this to your advantage and will end up being even healthier than before!

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry for all the stress and fear, dear Lyn. Sending cyber hugs and hoping all will be resolved.

I understand, having lost from 230s down to 129.5 and back up to 215, all within 20 months or so. Starved my way down, binged my way back up. Now I am doing it differently, much of it thanks to your blog.

m/b

Anonymous said...

Ouch. I completely understand. Lowest was 174 last July. 182 at Christmas and currently 201ish. I see it in my thighs and when I turn sideways in the mirror. My stomach area is bigger and my pants are tight. I look fat in all of my clothes right now. It is terrifying. I used to weigh 294 only 3 years ago and this is the highest I have been since then. How did this happen? Most is my fault but the thought that I let this happen is what scares me most. The thought that one day I might "let" myself go and get back to 294. I'm trying my best to turn it around now. I don't ever want to be looked at as one of those "yeah she lost it but gained it all back...so sad, too bad" type of people. Good luck, girl. You already know how to turn it around. You're in control of this.
-SJ

JT said...

Yes it is not nice to read this... Maybe the only thing you are not doing right is your thoughs...You are worrying, feeling sad maybe even guilty and believe me that doesn't help. I went through something similar, was losing weight well then all of a sudden i put it all back on. I relized that I was being to strict on the food intake and that only meant one thing, I would give up sooner or later. I decided to stop worrying about my weight, my health and the truth is that I am now eating everything I always ate, I do eat plenty of fruit and vegetables, my problem has never been what I eat but how much, and I used to feel so guilty about eating a big portion, feeling really bad after each meal... Since I stopped worrying, feeling guilty or sad I very naturally now started eating less and am losing weight so naturally that I don't feel any pressure of diets. I walk on my treadmill everyday or almost everyday and I also stopped looking at the mirror. I trully believe that worrying will bring it to you one way or another, so instead of feeling bad for putting some pounds on, concentrate on how happy it felt to lose all the pounds you have lost, concentrate and be gratefull for losing what you have lost... All the best darling, be positive and gratefull and you will achieve it.

InWeighOverMyHead said...

Lyn - what you are doing is NOT working. PLEASE see a registered nutritionist. Dieting does not work. It will NOT work forever. I know first hand. :( I read your posts and you do follow a type of plan, but you always say you added this or that to make it your own way etc. You are not a dr. or a nutritionist. Let the professionals help you. They see this everyday and can offer medical help. Please Lyn. Your heart is getting damaged every time you go up and down. Medifast works on the way down, but doesn't keep people from gaining again. NO DIET can do that. The only thing close to what a nutritionist suggests is WW. I know first hand Lyn. I have damaged my heart and body by yo-yo dieting since I was in high school. Save yourself now while you can! Please.

debby said...

Lyn, make it about your health. You said that at the end of your blog, but a lot of what you wrote was agonizing over the way you look.

Does the doctor know your diet history? Does he know you have been on an extremely low calorie diet for the past two years (for the most part?) From personal experience, I know that it is SHOCKING how fast the weight comes back when your body thinks it has been starving for a long time. And I did it only for about 4-6 months, not 2 years.

The tests your doctor ordered were just routine labwork. (I am an RN.)

Make it about your health and things will even out.

Deb Willbefree said...

Hmmmm. Although I do understand the "diets don't work" mentality, you do know that Weigh Over My Head has had significant weight loss surgery (which requires pretty rigid eating, I think) and is seeking more surgery, right?

Deb

L said...

Hi Lyn, I've emailed you previously about going Paleo (ai'm sure you can track my IP :D). Just thought I'd comment publicly this time round. At the moment, it seems that your first priority is to regain control over your weight. For this, I would recommend going VERY low-carb (under 20g) for a few weeks. This is what I did when I found myself regaining weight late last year, after simply upping my calories by a little bit.

I know some people disagree, but I swear by Gary Taubes' argument on why some people gain weight so easily. I truly don't think calories matter as much as restricting carbs. Of course, it's different for everyone, but judging by the widespread positive response to his books, I'd say that it's worth looking into.

Also, I'd recommend cutting out all fruit, nuts and dairy, maybe even high-carb vegetables, until the weight goes down by a few pounds. Doing so in the short term won't harm you. Some people just happen to be more sensitive to carbs than others, even if it is 'just' fruit.

You'd be surprised at how dependent you've become on sugar and sweet things, until you give them up completely. Jill Escher's book, 'Farewell Club Permanent-chub' details how she overcame her sugar addiction, and how effortlessly she lost weight once she gave up sugar and starches.

I'm currently eating under 20g carbs six days a week, and as much fruit and sugar as I want on one 'cheat' day. It's not for everyone, but I've managed to maintain my weight (and look trimmer despite not losing any weight) by doing it. I feel fine, and I don't work out much (just some walking, maybe a few push-ups and squats when I have the time). I'm a full-time student in a demanding degree so I don't have hours or energy to dedicate to exercise. Since starting to eat this way, I've gotten my waist measurement back down to 74cm; a vast improvement to the 80cm it was when I was running and doing weights every day, but eating grains, fruit and sugar.

Sorry for offering unsolicited advice. This isn't professional medical opinion, so don't take it as such. It's simply what worked for me :D

PaulaMP said...

I just had another breast cancer scare, so I understand your feeling of panic. I agree with the nurse, those are just routine blood tests, so just relax and see what they say. I am not you, but if I were, I would throw out the Medifast, it doesn't seem to be the solution for anything. I never thought eating every two hours made any sense, naturally slim people don't do that. I think all it does it make you think about food every waking moment. Until you hear from the doctor can you just eat three sensible meals of whole foods, no snacks, drink lots of water, and get some exercise. Your blood pressure is high normal so it's not like you about to have a stroke. Deep breaths ...

Anonymous said...

Just hugs. Remember that even though you're at a tough spot in your weight loss, you still have more than a FIFTY POUND HEAD START over where you started last time. That is huge. Deep breaths.

Anonymous said...

You are so wonderful! I have been helped so much by your courage and willingness to be so honest with weight struggles. I hate to hear that you are in pain and wish I could do something to help. Jody

Anonymous said...

I meant to add that I am soooo rooting for you all the time. Jody

beerab said...

*hugs* please keep us updated and take care of yourself!

Princess Dieter said...

It sucks. It sucks bad. It's scary, and we know it.

But what you must hang on to is hope and faith that you WILL find a sustainable (adaptable) evolving way of eating. (I say evolving because our bodies change, medical conditions arise, etc, as we age and we must always adjust).

I am not a fan of Medifast, as I think I mentioned, because it's processed, soy-heavy, and not real food, and the plan makes on go under 1000 calories often. I do think that sort of stuff done for more than a few weeks can wreak havoc. Everyone I know IRL who's done medifast has regained FAST when off it. The mechanism: who knows? Is it starvation-so-called mode? Who knows. But studies on people who have done very low calorie show significant rebounds and increased hunger even a year after.

But no matter..all dieters have to face this monster. Or nearly all.

And you will. And I believe you will find a way, with doctors, professionals, within yourself, to overcome. Believe that every day. YOU WILL FIND YOUR FOOD PATH.

You may need to stop focusing on losing at first and focusing on MAINTAINING AND NOT REGAINING more, while eating micronutrient rich, real food. And I agree: See a dietitian and tell her what you LIKE TO EAT, what medical issues you have, and what foods you do not want to add back in, and then let her or him find a good plan at a lower (ie, not regain) caloric level. Follow up and let the pro guide you within your preferences. That way you don't lack nutrients.

I'm at that wall myself. My priority is not to regain to obesity. It's hard. It will always be hard to some extent. Our metabolisms will never be normal, I suspect.

But we can find that happier place where we are feeling better and are at a sustainable good weight. Not skinny...but IN BETTER HEALTH.

God bless, my dear. I totally have faith in you. Resolve to always keep the hope and faith and press on...

InWeighOverMyHead said...

As one of my favorite blog stalkers knows, (Deb:)weight loss surgery is also not the answer. It is still like dieting. Long term, no surgery, no diet, no weight loss plan will work. Only a lifestyle change that is lead by people who are doctors, nutritionists will help people like us heal the ENTIRE self. Food is just a portion of the issue. Internally, yo-yo dieting causes damage we cannot fix, some we can. Hormones, genes, lifestyle, mental health, all of it comes together to shape who we are now and our quality of life later. You have come so far and you have kept a LOT of weight off WAY LONGER than your average person so you know that you have the inner power to make things happen. Let the experts help you heal the entire picture. I have learned from my WLs that things like diets/wls/wl programs are there to give us a tool to jump start that change, but even with WLS i need to continue with therapy, nutrition services, physical therapy, ect. and I have to make the hard choices every day just like everyone else. My adiction to food is deep and I needed medical intervention. You have already shown that you have the strength to not need something that intense but you can surely benefit from the other services provided by the medical community in order to take control and find long term happiness and health. I know you can do this! You inspire me every day!

Lyn said...

Lisa~

I know. I really do. I am not sure how much help I am going to need, but going to the doctor was step 1 in facing that and reaching out. I can't see anyone without referrals so my primary care doc is my home base right now. And I have to prioritize what to do/who to see because I have a deductible and all those copays add up fast. But yes... I got referrals, I am waiting to see what the test results say and then I have stuff on the agenda: gyn first, allergy dr next (life threatening so this must be addressed now... it is getting worse), PT next. Depending on further tests and or/gyn surgery needed I may ask about a dietician or other services as well.

Thank you for caring about me, all of you, and for sticking with me thorugh the hard AND good times!

katie said...

A BP of 140/90 needs to be treated. Please do not fool around with hypertension 'waiting' to lose weight and lower your BP. Be proactive.

Tammy said...

I understand how you feel about gaining some of the weight back after you have lost it. I'm A LOT bigger than you, but I know how disappointing and "icky" it is to gain any of it back. When I go the doctor..they try to be "polite" and put it at 250..I have to tell them they need to put it at 300. Their scale has alway been 5 lbs higher than mine. So that's what I usually go by. So even though MY scale says 303 lbs..I put that I weigh 308..because that's what it would be on the drs scale. I really don't know which one is "right." As for all the blood tests...I hope they all come back normal! I will be thinking about you.

Jane said...

Hey Lyn, I'm so sorry about everything you have going on. I hope your lab results come back and give you some peace.

Lori said...

I'm so sorry. I hope your test results come back ok. I know how frustrating this can be.

Anonymous said...

Oh Lyn,

I am so sorry you are scared. You deserve so much better than to feel this
way.

Chris