Oh no. It's happened. It's not just a bad dream. My nightmare of waking up fat again has happened.
It is an awful feeling to know the thing I dreaded is reality. I am fat again. I was out of obesity. I was still overweight. But now, there is no denying I am fat. Very fat. You know how you keep telling yourself you haven't gained THAT much weight, that it'll come right back off, that nobody notices. You do catch glimpses of the fat you in the mirror or when you try to put on jeans, but you shove it to the back of your mind. And ignore it. And it isn't real, it's going to be gone soon anyway, you will lose the weight soon. Just the same way a person can go from 145 to 200, or from 200 to 300, and suddenly it hits you: oh my gosh. WHAT HAVE I DONE?? Why didn't I stop myself? How did this happen?
I am fat again and it's going to take a lot of work to get back to a "normal" looking/feeling weight. I *did* look and feel pretty normal at 175. I do not at 210. I feel as fat as I remember feeling at 280. And I am scared!
I went to the doctor. I have been worried. I have had a sore foot which has kept me from doing much walking this week and he gave me antibiotics because it is infected. But that is not what I am scared about.
I do look fat. You know how it is when they weigh you at the doctor's office, how they slide that big weight up bit by bit to get to your weight. And how excited I was when at 175 the nurse just slid the weight to 150 and slowly bumped it up. Because I looked normal. Well today the nurse just immediately slid it right to 200. RIGHT to 200, not even 175, they just looked at me and knew I was over 200. And it made me feel sick in the pit of my stomach. As sick as it made me feel when a child looked at me holding up a dress and said, "no, that's for skinny people." As sick as I felt when I looked down at my thighs the other day and saw how huge they have become. Again. As sick as I felt when I realized I no longer look at the "before" pictures on my blog and thing "wow I was HUGE" and I no longer look at the 175 pound pictures and think "I still look fat in these pictures." Because now those pictures look small, and the befores? I am not as far removed from them as I used to be. The bulges are back, just smaller. Yes, it made me feel sick to my stomach. All of it.
But what I am scared of is what happened in the doctor's office after the preliminary foot thing. I am obviously gaining weight quickly. I am not binge eating. The doctor is concerned. It makes no sense. So he sent me to the lab. They drew lots and lots of blood. Lots. I got dizzy from it all. I felt sick again. But what I am so scared about is what those blood test results might show. I don't even know what to think.
He ordered a complete blood count, thyroid function tests, complete metabolic panel, an A1C test for blood glucose levels over the past 3 months, some other stuff I don't remember. And my blood pressure was high, same as my last visit: 140/90. I am really really unhappy and worried. Before I got up over about 185, my blood pressure was always PERFECT, 120/80 or often less. And now it is creeping up, along with my weight.
I am so unhappy about this!! I am not sure what the heck I am going to do about this. I felt like I have been doing "all I can" but obviously it is NOT enough and I have to push it harder. I have to find it somewhere in myself to make this better, to do better, to live longer, to be there for my children. I HAVE to. Because this is really not just about looking fat or not. This is about my health, my life. I HAVE to fix it.
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