Just a nice, quiet weekend here. I'm looking forward to a week "off" with no school stuff or dance classes over spring break! It's funny, I am always excited for school vacations because I don't have to be up and out the door as early, I don't have to help with homework or school stuff, I get a break from working in the classroom and packing lunches and making sure there is always the right clothing for PE or ballet or messy art classes. It is awesome to be "off schedule!" But always, by the end of the break I am ready for them to go back so I can have a little time to myself again.
The weather is changing and the clothing dilemma is approaching. I've mentioned before that I gave away all my bigger clothes; it's bad enough I only have one pair of jeans that fit, but I am pretty sure I have ZERO pairs of shorts that fit. I've been getting by hiding my excessive muffin top bulge by always wearing a sweater or a sweatshirt over my tee, but it is quickly getting too hot for that. Yes, I could go to the Goodwill and buy a couple of things that fit. And I may have to do that. But doing that goes against everything that made me give away my fat clothes in the first place! I mean, I gave them away so I wouldn't have anything to grow into! Having nothing in bigger sizes creates a barrier to weight gain. If I gain five more pounds I will not fit into ANYTHING! So if I go out and buy bigger clothes, will I just keep growing into them... like I did when I gained 80 pounds in a year? Buying bigger and bigger jeans and then going to stretch pants that let me have NO feedback from my clothing about my size? I don't want to "let" myself do that. That is why I have been holding out on buying anything comfortable. Because once I buy a pair of comfy size 18's, well, it opens all kinds of opportunities for more gain. I have finally put the brakes on the gaining and *want* my too-tight pants to tell me every day to NOT eat junk. So I dunno, not sure what I am going to do if I don't start shrinking significantly. I can't go naked. But it feels like buying bigger clothes means I am accepting the fat. I don't think I can do it.
Tonight for dinner I am making a new recipe. It's a veggie stew loaded with onions, mushrooms, carrots, celery, tomatoes, and beans. The recipe calls for potatoes, too; I may put one small one in there, or sub some other veggies. Not sure yet. I will post the recipe if it turns out good. It sounds really good. Off to bike!
Admitting the real struggle
23 hours ago