Wow, I feel like I have gotten so out of touch with my body over this winter. This morning I was kind of shocked when I looked (really looked) in the mirror (unclothed). I used to look, and look hard. I used to know every bump and curve and how everything usually appeared and felt. Back when I was first going through the changes from 278 pounds down to 175, I took careful notice of every change. I mentioned on my blog whenever I saw new skin folds or wrinkles, or when I felt bones I hadn't noticed before. Some of those changes were GREAT and encouraging and exciting, while others were a bit disconcerting. Some of the changes were even distressing, like when I got into the 170's and saw extra skin hanging not only at my elbows, but also at my wrists. I started feeling vulnerable and afraid. And look! I fixed it! I gained back enough weight that my wrists look great again. Ha...
Of course, I want to get past it and continue losing weight. It was just freaking me out a bit the first time around. Now that I know what to expect and have had time to deal with it emotionally, I think it will be okay as I deal with it this time around. But I digress. My point really was that over the winter, I got out of the habit of looking at and feeling and noticing my body. I think in some way I wanted to ignore it, to put my fingers in my ears and say "lalalalala, I can't hear you!!" as my body was shouting for attention. I covered it up with long sleeves and baggy sweatshirts and stopped *really* looking in mirrors.
I think the springlike weather and sunshine has reawakened something in me. I am looking again... noticing and feeling. And wow has my body changed! I am not exactly thrilled with the changes, either. But, you know, I love my body. I accept it as it is right now, while working on improving my health and knowing that that, in turn, will bring changes in my body again.
I've been sort of ignoring the scale a lot this month too. I didn't want to see a number over 199 again, so I just didn't look. I have NOT been eating off plan, and there have been no binges. But I've been stuck at 199 for so long. I have been eating very well this whole past week... pretty much eating ideally for me at this stage. Yet I got on the scale this morning and saw 205. Well, it is what it is. It will come off eventually. I am definitely not eating poorly. Maybe a bit too much sodium though. I will keep an eye on that this week and get back to daily weighing so I know what's going on with me. And I am also getting back to really looking, really feeling, and KNOWING my body again. Maybe this sounds crazy, but I think part of healthy weight loss IS paying attention. If I ignore my body, even if I am eating right, then I think some mental part of me will not be able to change. Change in my body has to follow change in my mind, heart, and feelings. At least that's been my experience.
So the plan for this week is to continue on, eating well, keeping an eye on the sodium, and paying some real attention to my body. Just like people sometimes say they have to tell a dying pet or loved one "it's okay to go," I think I need to tell my extra body weight that. It's served a purpose all these years. Maybe there is some fear and hesitation subconsciously in letting go, but it is time. I will be letting my extra weight and that FatGirl part of my psyche know that "it's okay to go."
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