You knew it wasn't going to end with those "on plan" rolls, right?
I am definitely PMSing, but things went downhill from there. My little senior dog is in crisis. He is 13 and has been my constant companion since he was 6 weeks old and my kids were very small. He was with me through raising them, single motherhood, working, years of college. I remember some days I would go go go all day, working and taking classes, and I'd pick up the kids from after-school daycare and come home and just be so exhausted and sad because I was working so hard and still had to deal with driving a van that broke down all the time, eating from the food bank, our power being shut off for non payment, and the bills I couldn't pay. And when I'd walk in the door thinking I just couldn't keep going, there he was, wagging his tail and giving the *biggest* doggie grin, doing a little happy dance because I was home. We dubbed him the Dog of Happiness. It fit.
He has congestive heart failure. He's losing his hearing and sight and is in a diaper thing so he doesn't have accidents in the house. I have to carry him up and down the stairs to take him out. Yet he is happy. He sleeps 90% of the time, but when he is awake he is just so joyful, wagging and hopping a teeny bit in his arthritic way, smiling just to be with us. He is so happy that I've been willing to care for him like a baby for weeks, changing him, carrying him, feeding him special food, and getting up with him at 5am. But the past few days he has gotten worse. He has been coughing terribly in the night. I've been up since 4 am the last two days, holding him, feeding him salmon (his favorite food) and talking to him. I put fresh laundry in his bed because he loves to sleep on it. I am trying to make that decision about whether he is ready... whether I am ready. He is still happy. But the coughing IS becoming suffering. I am going to talk to the vet today and maybe they can try another medicine to help him be able to breathe, just for a little while longer.
I wanted to talk to the vet yesterday and take my little happy dog to the park one last time. He always used to go walking in the park with me and he LOVED it. He hasn't been there in over a year, because he cannot walk except across the room. But I can carry him. I can set him in the grass and let him sniff around. I can sit on a bench and talk to him. But I didn't get to do that yesterday because of a crisis involving one of my older kids. Out of respect for their privacy that's all I'll say about that, but any crisis involving my kid is a crisis for me as well. Yesterday was a horrible day. Emotional train wreck might describe it. I was already having a hormone shift, going on very little sleep, and dealing with the dog thing. Adding this put me over the edge.
I got about 4 hours of sleep last night. I had a migraine this morning. But I am going to be okay. I went on autopilot Plan B with my eating. I am going to talk about my Plan B in another post, as I have to go deal with kids/dogs/vet/etc at the moment. But the scale has not budged; it's just doing the same teeny waver between 200 and 201 (201 yesterday, 200.5 this morning). And I did not have time to exercise yesterday at all. I missed my biking for the first time because I actually did not have ten minutes to do it. I think I can find the time today.
I am stressed, I wanted to binge, but I didn't. I am better today than yesterday and starting to get a calm peace about the direction I need to go on both issues (dog and kid). Not bingeing is what gives me enough clarity, even while PMSing and on 4 hours of sleep, to have some peace and confidence about this stuff. If you're not escaping reality with your food-drug, you have to stay present and actually deal with the issues that are causing you stress.
Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. Back to Plan A today.
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