Happy (not) Sunday.
I feel sick, I am in a sour mood, my shoulder is quite painful, but at least I am back to eating on plan again.
I find that I tend to dwell and take things internally and let them stress me out, even when they are not things that affect me directly. I am the kind of person who reads some story of child abuse or neglect on CNN or hears about someone being harmed on the news and then I am sad for the rest of the day thinking about that poor child or family. I had to stop reading and watching the news because of it. I have an overload of empathy that reaches too far and is difficult for me to turn off, so I stick to the very limited local news, where very little 'horrible' happens. I don't watch much TV. I can't take crime shows... even fictional ones... because, to me, there is enough real suffering in this world, and watching fake suffering just reminds me of real suffering I have seen. I always want to fix everything and make everyone better and I can't always do that. I have to keep my circle smaller, so that I am not constantly overwhelmed with feelings of sadness and despair for others.
So when those in my little circle experience pain or loss, it deeply touches me. That includes online friends and it includes people we spend time with in real life. In the past month, two friends of mine have had to suffer their small children, my daughter's age, having cancer. My heart breaks for them, truly. I weep for their little ones. I hold my daughter tighter and am ever so grateful for her being well. I want to fix it for them but I can't. When a child dies it is tragic. Seeing a mother grieve is crushing. Helping my daughter make princess cards for her little friend who is beginning chemotherapy is bittersweet. No child should have to suffer so. And I know being supportive and praying is all I can do, but I still take it rather personally and internalize things terribly and let it all affect me, probably way too much.
So, that's where I am. Sad but trying to turn the sadness into action for the families involved, trying to separate myself from that sadness to enjoy the life we are so blessed to have.
I didn't weigh this morning; my eating was off for a couple days this week. I am back on track and will weigh on February 1 for my official monthly weigh-in. It would be nice to get below that stubborn 199.
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