I am STRESSED OUT!!!!!!!!!!!
I feel like it is almost surreal sometimes, all the crap I deal with, I dunno. I know I have a lot of blessings and I am trying to focus on that while dealing with the stressful stuff.
I was doing fine with my eating until yesterday when I just flat out decided I wanted to binge. How crazy is that? I know it's not good. It is a hard habit to break. I spent years bingeing at least weekly. Now I go for months, years even without a binge. I overeat sometimes, but it is not the same mindset or foods or calories. And yesterday I was just so frazzled, I said, "screw it, I am ordering pizza, and going to the store and buying whatever I want and I am damn well going to eat it ALL." I just did not care. I can't even remember the last time I did this.
So I went and picked up 3 pizzas for our dinner. I went in the store and bought the stupidest binge food ever: Little Debbie Swiss Cake Rolls. I mean, I used to eat those all. the. time. Little Debbie and Big Lyn were practically engaged at one point. But I can't remember the last time I had ANY of those Little Debbie things. Must be years ago. Somehow I just wanted to go back and experience eating a whole box of them, how I used to pick all the chocolate coating off first and then pry the cake roll apart and lick out the cream and then finally eat the cake, like some kind of weird ritual. I wanted to come home and eat 8 slices of pizza like I used to, and a bowl of chips (yes I bought chips) and some cookies my son made and some shortbread cookies (yes I bought shortbread cookies) and half a coconut cake (yes I bought a frozen, pre-made little coconut cake on sale for $2). I considered buying ice cream and lasagna too but stopped short because I didn't want my binge to run for more than a day. And I was only going to buy what I could polish off in ONE evening. I threw a couple candy bars in for good measure.
And you know what pissed me off SO bad? I sat down with my Diet Coke (yes I bought a diet Coke on top of all this sugary crap) and had one small slice of sausage pizza, and then one small slice of thin crust Hawaiian pizza.... and I was FULL. I mean stuffed full, and I was so pissed off because I wanted to eat more and more pizza but I physically could not. I knew if I waited a half hour I'd be able to eat again... but that didn't happen. In a half hour I was still full! And all this food is sitting here to be eaten and I was literally too full to eat it. I NEVER used to get full on a binge. I'd eat 5,000 calories and be *uncomfortable* but wait a half hour and could eat more. But that was years ago. Things have changed.
A couple hours later, the teens had eaten a bunch of the pizza and other stuff. I had a small bowl of chips and a Swiss Cake roll and a candy bar and then suddenly I felt SO SICK. Like, just sick as a dog. I thought, "why am I doing this to myself?" but at the same time part of me was raging mad because I wanted to REALLY binge, I mean, eat ALL the cake rolls and the cookies and the candy and the coconut cake and I COULD NOT. My body stopped me. I went to bed stuffed and mad that there was a cake in there I wanted to eat but was too sick to even taste, and realized it would take me a week to eat all this food and that was ridiculous. I woke up this morning with a splitting headache, sore throat, and mild nausea.
Now I won't lie. It's afternoon, and that dumb coconut cake is in there untouched but I still want to eat it. I had a sugar free latte today, a piece of pizza, some shortbread. I had a tuna sandwich for lunch and looked at the untouched coconut cake and just felt revolted. I am SICK of it, just SICK. I do not want anymore of any of it. I am done. I still have this weird feeling I need to try that cake. But I don't even want to LOOK at food anymore right now. It is just nauseating to think about it.
I think part of my mental process right now is this. I accept this is an issue I have... I may always have. It is important to me to not let myself slide back into a weekly/daily/monthly binge habit, but I don't hate myself for doing this. It is a weakness I have. I don't especially like it, but it isn't ruining my life like it used to. Maybe part of me *needed* this experience... I dunno. It wasn't as much fun as it used to be. It kind of sucked, actually. And I am glad my body said no. Good enough, back to regular eating tomorrow.
I do feel crappy from eating that stuff. Sore joints and headache and all. My stomach feels like it's full of lead. I'll be okay though. I have plenty of veggies and lean protein to get back to. I just hope the stress level lightens up soon.
Food on the Brain
1 day ago