Friday, January 27, 2012

Binge

I am STRESSED OUT!!!!!!!!!!!

I feel like it is almost surreal sometimes, all the crap I deal with, I dunno. I know I have a lot of blessings and I am trying to focus on that while dealing with the stressful stuff.

I was doing fine with my eating until yesterday when I just flat out decided I wanted to binge. How crazy is that? I know it's not good. It is a hard habit to break. I spent years bingeing at least weekly. Now I go for months, years even without a binge. I overeat sometimes, but it is not the same mindset or foods or calories. And yesterday I was just so frazzled, I said, "screw it, I am ordering pizza, and going to the store and buying whatever I want and I am damn well going to eat it ALL." I just did not care. I can't even remember the last time I did this.

So I went and picked up 3 pizzas for our dinner. I went in the store and bought the stupidest binge food ever: Little Debbie Swiss Cake Rolls. I mean, I used to eat those all. the. time. Little Debbie and Big Lyn were practically engaged at one point. But I can't remember the last time I had ANY of those Little Debbie things. Must be years ago. Somehow I just wanted to go back and experience eating a whole box of them, how I used to pick all the chocolate coating off first and then pry the cake roll apart and lick out the cream and then finally eat the cake, like some kind of weird ritual. I wanted to come home and eat 8 slices of pizza like I used to, and a bowl of chips (yes I bought chips) and some cookies my son made and some shortbread cookies (yes I bought shortbread cookies) and half a coconut cake (yes I bought a frozen, pre-made little coconut cake on sale for $2). I considered buying ice cream and lasagna too but stopped short because I didn't want my binge to run for more than a day. And I was only going to buy what I could polish off in ONE evening. I threw a couple candy bars in for good measure.

And you know what pissed me off SO bad? I sat down with my Diet Coke (yes I bought a diet Coke on top of all this sugary crap) and had one small slice of sausage pizza, and then one small slice of thin crust Hawaiian pizza.... and I was FULL. I mean stuffed full, and I was so pissed off because I wanted to eat more and more pizza but I physically could not. I knew if I waited a half hour I'd be able to eat again... but that didn't happen. In a half hour I was still full! And all this food is sitting here to be eaten and I was literally too full to eat it. I NEVER used to get full on a binge. I'd eat 5,000 calories and be *uncomfortable* but wait a half hour and could eat more. But that was years ago. Things have changed.

A couple hours later, the teens had eaten a bunch of the pizza and other stuff. I had a small bowl of chips and a Swiss Cake roll and a candy bar and then suddenly I felt SO SICK. Like, just sick as a dog. I thought, "why am I doing this to myself?" but at the same time part of me was raging mad because I wanted to REALLY binge, I mean, eat ALL the cake rolls and the cookies and the candy and the coconut cake and I COULD NOT. My body stopped me. I went to bed stuffed and mad that there was a cake in there I wanted to eat but was too sick to even taste, and realized it would take me a week to eat all this food and that was ridiculous. I woke up this morning with a splitting headache, sore throat, and mild nausea.

Now I won't lie. It's afternoon, and that dumb coconut cake is in there untouched but I still want to eat it. I had a sugar free latte today, a piece of pizza, some shortbread. I had a tuna sandwich for lunch and looked at the untouched coconut cake and just felt revolted. I am SICK of it, just SICK. I do not want anymore of any of it. I am done. I still have this weird feeling I need to try that cake. But I don't even want to LOOK at food anymore right now. It is just nauseating to think about it.

I think part of my mental process right now is this. I accept this is an issue I have... I may always have. It is important to me to not let myself slide back into a weekly/daily/monthly binge habit, but I don't hate myself for doing this. It is a weakness I have. I don't especially like it, but it isn't ruining my life like it used to. Maybe part of me *needed* this experience... I dunno. It wasn't as much fun as it used to be. It kind of sucked, actually. And I am glad my body said no. Good enough, back to regular eating tomorrow.

I do feel crappy from eating that stuff. Sore joints and headache and all. My stomach feels like it's full of lead. I'll be okay though. I have plenty of veggies and lean protein to get back to. I just hope the stress level lightens up soon.

30 comments:

Theresa said...

sending a hug to someone who is overwhelmed with life and it's incredible stressors. Your reaction is food.... others have different reactions. It's life. It's tough. Glad you're posting and making it real. take care Lyn

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry you are having a rough time. I have a binge problem too and I believe my food issues are really about control. My whole life I've either been totally faithful to a "diet" or I stuff my face with anything I can. Im searching for an inbetween cauae the yo-yo is destroying my body. I'm either in or I'm out. Hang in there. You sound like you've already forgiven yourself which is a must. I'm sending good vibes your way.

Julie Lost and Found said...

Do you have anything in place for stress relief? I think it's important to actively find other outlets to deal with stress. I have tons of stress...I get it and have spent years binging as you described. It's a daily ..hourly battle of changing the mind. Though I've lost weight before (and gained), I never *changed* my response to stress and therein lies a lot of the battle. I started walking out in the woods while the kids were in school, going to kickboxing one night a week etc. Taking some time for "me" in the evening to decompress.

Rather than say 'tomorrow' I'm back to my regular eating, why not rephrase that and say "as of right now"..even if you aren't going to eat another bite tonight. Don't put off till tomorrow what you can do right now, right? (talking to myself too here!)

The stress is ALWAYS going to be there. It is imperative to find other ways to deal with it. Stress is an excuse. I know because I've used it for years! :)

You CAN finish this!!!

Deb Willbefree said...

Ohhh, Lyn. Not being able to binge on all of that food, especially after you pre-meditatively bought it, was kind of amusing. I know, maybe it will be amusing for you in hindsight. A while from now.

But what good news! Overlooking the disappointment in not being able to meet your felt need to binge--your body, your appetite, your capacity to binge, has changed. All for the better! Good job! All of these months of effort have paid off.

Those old neuropaths haven't quite caught on and are still firing "binge, binge, binge" like a torpedoed submarine horn shouts, "mayday, mayday, mayday", but they will settle down and dry up, too. Just like your ability to binge has.

You're closer to a new life than you think.

As far as the stress that was strong enough to set of your binge alarm, I'm so sorry. Take a deep breath. A few of them.

This too shall pass--and I believe that you won't be under it's wheels when it does.

Hugs, girlfriend.

Deb (and not Little Debbie, either!)

Princess Dieter said...

It's a difficult thing to read this. Been there. Scary place. SCARY place, and I'm scared for you falling back in.

I am glad your body provided some "brakes". And I'm glad you admitted it was permitted. That you CHOSE this and you PERMITTED this and it wasn't out of your decisive control. I always think we need to own our choices,and you did. That's a step forward. Well, two, as your body rejected an all-out binge.

But you have to know by now this ain't just a physiological thing--though of course, there is the brain/chemical component. Food relieves stress. It can create it, too, of a guilt/shame/anger sort. But it relieves emotional stress and fires up pleasure centers and sends of happy chemicals to soothe.

Some folks get drunk. Some folks smoke. Some folks shoot up. We stuff (or did once stuff) food to get relief. It's our relaxant, our pleasure drug, our stress relief.

And it sucks when we slip back after a good spell. Ah, life.

But you know, you KNOW, you need to get help. FOr years now, you've tried various FOOD things, plans and cooking stuff, and it's not healed. It's still there. I do think you need to get the psyche/emo work with a professional. Whether that's even possible for you right now, dunno, what with your commitments, or if your insurance allows, or if the finances are present for it. But Lyn, this is probably your next crucial step: committing to get the psych help to deal with the voids/holes/behavioral patterns....

I know you'll never give up. That your fighter spirit will go on.

And I pray grace and healing over you and wish you the best, my dear.

Melanie said...

I'm so sorry that you're struggling. I can't tell you how much I appreciate your candid, honest posts. It makes me feel so much better to know that I'm not the only person that struggles with this, and not the only person that plans a binge sometimes even though I know how harmful the behavior is.

You will overcome this! This was one set back, and this behavior has improved on so many levels for you. Don't get discouraged!!

Thanks again.

Marilyn said...

Lyn, I can SO empathize with both your stress-binge urge AND your body's better judgement kicking in, making it impossible for you to continue! This is TRUE HEALING on a physical level, from what I can tell - so I think you should be rejoicing on behalf of your body. Because even if your mind still thinks you want to be free to binge - your body just AIN'T BUYIN' IT!! I don't know that I'm at that point yet myself, but I'm working on it! :-)

I've had a foretaste of this before: Both of my parents were smokers but I never had the urge until I was 25 and got dazzled by my bosses' gold Dunhill lighters (they were RICH and I was POOR and I really thought they were COOL - so I taught myself to smoke - perfect logic, right?! I developed a 2-pack/day habit for a couple years but then stopped for 6 years. Then life got frustrating beyond belief, i.e. I did NOT want to deal with Reality... so I tried to take up smoking again. Well, in the interim, I'd started jogging, so when the smoke got down to my lungs on that first puff, I choked like I'd NEVER choked before! I had wanted to smoke but my body had other ideas and wouldn't let me!

Thanks, as always, for your candor and willingness to LOOK at this yucky-stuff - it's what drives ME to abuse myself with food, and I'm sure other folks, as well!

And hang in there, Lyn - you are doing SO much better than you think you are!

XO - M

LoriBee said...

Rule #1: Don't kick yourself. If losing weight was easy, everyone would be thin. Simply being mindful of your situation makes all the difference in the world. You will get back on track and will be stronger in the end. In the meantime, I'm sorry you're having to deal with stress. Life ain't easy, but it always gets better.

LHA said...

Lyn, my heart goes out to you! I bet every single person reading this post has been in this situation before. Stress is so hard on you and food is just the way you have used in your past to deal with it. I'm glad you accept that it doesn't make you a bad person or a failure or mean the end of your weight loss journey. It was just one night, just food, just a bad day......better things will come! Take heart and do the best you can one hour at a time until you are feeling strong again. This too shall pass.

Anonymous said...

Throw away that cake! It'll feel empowering to toss an uneaten yummy disaster away without trying it. Don't worry about wasting $2, to be honest no one else in your family or anywhere should really be eating that stuff so it's not being wasted.

Leslie said...

Thanks for your honesty Lyn. Been where you were yesterday many times. One thing I want to urge you to be on the lookout for...an "unfinished" binge can be a setup for another - in a day, a few days, or even a couple weeks.

I've definitely experienced the phenomenon of thinking I'm back on track but thoughts of binge foods not eaten are lurking in the periphery of my mind and begin intruding into my days, and another binge becomes inevitable.

But it doesn't have to be inevitable. I just wanted to suggest you be aware and on the lookout for it, and use whatever tools available to not return to finish the "job" that was left undone yesterday. Recognize the moment of grace that stopped the process after it had begun - that is no small feat.

Hang in, friend. Progress is being made - I feel it!

Karen said...

Ditto what Princess Dieter said.

Hugs Lyn. Safe travels for you and the fam. You are worth all the work that it takes to be well. Karen P

Anonymous said...

Throw the cake away Lyn!!! Or, if you feel bad for wasting, put it out in the street and someone will take it.

Anonymous said...

Or pour water on it (even that is risky as you'll have to open the packaging). Just get rid of it.

Anonymous said...

You are giving the cake too much power. If you eat the cake, you will realize that it was only cake. You will realize that it didn't even taste as good as you thought it would. Take a bite, savor it, think about what it tastes like, and write about it. Then take another bite, and do the same. I think you'll find that it doesn't taste all that good, when you eat it slowly, and you'll end up throwing most of it away. 199 pounds is great...eating a small cake won't change 199 pounds. You won't gain weight from eating the cake. And not treating the cake as totally forbidden might relax your thoughts so that you're not obsessing about it. Relax, please relax.

Human in Progress said...

I applaud your honesty.

Anonymous said...

You are right to not beat yourself up! This food adddiction, binge cycle is a really hard compulsion to fight.

I am gald you're body said ENOUGH....but to me the important part here is that you listened to your body. I consider that a small step in the right direction. I used to binge so badly and ignore my body when it would try to stop me.

The time will come when you will completely trust your body and brain to lead you in making the best choices. I know from personal experience it a long, long road to recovery. I am still on the road, but like you....when I fall or fail, I get up dust myself off and get back on track.

Think about it...when our children are learning to walk, they fall often, but we don't discard them or get angry at them for falling. It's all part of the process.

Hang tough and be kind to Lyn!

Anonymous said...

Leslie,
That is very insightful. I never thought of it that way and yes, this is a big possibility so Lyn, beware and be prepared.

Anonymous said...

Hi Lyn,

I use food to self-medicate, too. Have done so for years. I am trying to change this. Two things that have been working for me. 1. Training my mind to recalibrate a ridiculous indulgence food-wise. For example, I was recently stressed, and I fantasized about a gyros sandwich. Not good for me, but a realistic indulgence that is comforting without making me feel sick. 2. Finding a secondary indulgence. For me, a marathon of a tv show when I can't afford it, time wise. Yes, I lose sleep, but it gives me a way to act out, have a feeling of control again, and then go back to the status quo or guilty later.

Jamie Mckay said...

I struggle with food and I keep trying to find how to take the strength I have in others areas and use it in my fight against food. It's hard! But hang in there! You will find it.

Anonymous said...

Lyn! I am sorry you are feeling so stressed. As for the BINGE; sometimes you must be reminded that you just can't eat like that anymore. Look how far you have come. The fact that a few years ago you would have been able to eat all of that w/out taking a some much as a breathe and now as much as you would have liked to have; or when you really think about it, probably not your body told you, NOT A CHANCE! And for that, you deserve a pat on the back. All things in moderation! But it sounds like even in moderation there are just some foods you can't eat! I am on the other side of the spectrum and my doctor's would LOVE for me to gain weight. Due to very severe family issues and my own health issues, I have managed to lose 14 pounds that I did not have to lose! I don't care what anyone says; not being able to gain weight due to medical issues; not because I can eat whatever my 40+ y/o self wants and never gain weight is just as difficult as not being able to lose weight because one is overweight. Just make a mental note or written; like your BLOG of what you learned, dust yourself off and keep up the amazing work you have done! Maybe take some pictures and put them side by side? Start after you weight in tomorrow! Followed by the picture of you @ 278 pounds and the one you have up now where you are super thin! Line them all up together and take a look. It may not be where you want, but look how far you have come! Post them to your BLOG. Share them! We are our own worst critic! Take care, Sweetie!

CatherineMarie said...

This sounds like it was a good thing for you, actually. Because now you CAN't binge eat. And the "binge" you had was closer in size to a 'normal' size treat/meal.

I agree that maybe you need to find some new stress coping mechanisms...

Melisa said...

Although I sympathize with you and commend you for being honest, I feel this is just another repeat of a cycle. You have been here before! Last time you went on a binge you realized the same things - that your body can't eat as much as you remembered and that things don't taste as good either! It seems like you need to make a serious change in your life (seek help, find a new source of stress release) so you don't have to keep reliving the same cycle. Maybe it's time a find a way to get off the Ferris wheel?

Jes said...

No advice - just some positive thoughts and concern.

As for the binge itself, let it go. Throw the cake away, or if you have to taste it, taste and be done and get right back on plan tomorrow. One day off the rails is no biggie. A week, however, is going to make you feel like poop.

It's done. Move on. Plan to be under 200 for Monday!

Erika said...

I have a lot I want to say. You've been on this roller coaster for a long, long, long time. You're whole life, from what I can tell from your blog.

I just want you to be at peace and to not have your life revolve around food. Not just for a few hours or days or months. But years, for the rest of your years.

I know how big a struggle it can be, and some days are so hard. Some days it seems like eating your emotions is the only thing left to do, but it doesn't have to be. Food doesn't have to rule you!

I care about you Lyn and I so appreciate your honesty.

Anonymous said...

As someone who has read your blog for years, I want to say thanks for always being honest and real in your posts. As others have mentioned, this post seems awfully familiar, as I feel I've read others by you that are just like it. You work so hard to overcome this struggle, but I wish you could see you can't do it alone. If you could, you would have by now. But, I do think if anyone can overcome this, with help, it is YOU. You are strong and determined! You are obviously a fighter. I also agree with those saying you need an outlet for stress. If finances are an issue, how about a part time job so you can still be with your kids, but have a focus outside yourself and your family? Or, have your bigger kids watch your daughter so you can have some alone time to pursue something outside the home? Of course, perhaps you are doing these things already, but aren't sharing them on the blog. You can do it, Lyn. If we didn't think you could, we wouldn't keep coming back. Hugs to you.

Diandra said...

I'd say this was a success - after all, you realized what your body really wants/needs, you tried the other thing and saw it did not work. Maybe this will help you with future temptations.

dsbride said...

I feel bad that you couldn't finish your binge but at the same time you give me hope. I have lost weight but every so often, I too have to go on a binge where I can't stop and will eat everything in sight. Although I feel full, it doesn't stop me from eating more and waiting a bit and doing it again. So you give me hope that if I do lose more, my body will help itself out with these binges even if my mind doesn't.
Take everyday as it comes and just move on. As long as you keep going forward, it's ok to give into stress ONCE in a while, ;)

Anonymous said...

Lyn you are STILL my weight loss HERO!!! I TOTALLY get what was happening in your head and really its o.k. to screw up and carry on...This may have been a good thing for you to experience!!!

Its a new day and I think that you have won this battle on so may levels

LOVE your honesty..LOVE your honesty with yourself

Nobody would truly understand what goes through the mond of an addict until they themselves have been there...God Bless you Lynn and just know that there are lots of us that are behind you and cheering you on through this weird journey that we are all on
HUGS,peace and blessings
Stacey

Tammy said...

I totally understand where you're coming from.:( I have done that too...been so depressed, angry, or stressed out..that I go buy a bunch of crap to eat...and then can barely eat any of it! Then pissed off about THAT too. I sometimes go to All-You-Can-Eat Buffets...luckily none are in my town...and I eat one plate of stuff..not that much..and I'm FULL. When I want to eat as much as I can to get my moneys' worth!!LOL I love your blog and thank you for being so honest about everything. It helps the rest of us.