I am stressed about my weight.
I did great in December. I worked hard and stayed focused and even through the holidays I lost 13 pounds last month. And then this month, I worked hard and stayed focused (well, except for 4 days last week) and have lost nothing. I have been losing and gaining the same pound all month long. I know the month is only halfway gone, but still. It's not even just about the scale right now. I look down at my legs when I am putting on my jeans. I look at my belly with or without clothing. I see myself in the mirror and depending on my frame of mind, sometimes I get a little distraught. I mean, yes, I am 78 pounds lighter than I used to be. I am very proud of maintaining that loss. Maintaining is no easy task. But I also look at my lowest weight pictures at 175 pounds and get so, so frustrated that I let it get this out of control and that I am 25 pounds away from there which does not seem like much AT ALL to someone who started aiming to lose 110 pounds, but that makes it worse. Only 25 pounds and I would feel so much better. Even 20 pounds, I would move more freely and be proud of my body and look relatively normal instead of relatively plump. It is right there within my reach, just 25 pounds... yet seems so, so far away and almost impossible to grasp.
I still have those super cute size 10 jeans with the fancy pockets that I took my 100-pounds-gone pictures in, just 22 pounds ago. Fitting into them lasted all of about a week before they were just a smidge too tight and I went back to the old comfortable 12's. Those cute fancy jeans are folded in my drawer, waiting, just waiting... I want to wear them so badly. I am tired of my clothes being snug. I am annoyed that the weight doesn't drop off the way I want it to. I have a lot of other junk going on in my life, and when it gets really overwhelming, I still turn to food. Last night I turned to a handful of Andes mints one of my kids left in the kitchen, and graduated to a few freezer burned cookies with a glass of milk. That's how it goes sometimes. I get through to day, focus off of food, dealing with the stress. And then when I finally get my little one to bed and the old dog medicated and tucked in and I sit down with myself in the night, I dig into something I had no intention of eating... usually something that doesn't even taste very good and is a pathetic substitute for... for what? I dunno. I just know it is the same as other people having a few drinks or smoking a cigarette to try and de-stress. I just haven't found a way to de-stress that works well for me. Exercise, yes. Dog sports, yes. But at the end of the day, in the night, when I am stuck in the house and tired... well, sometimes I write, or read, or watch a bit of mindless TV. But maybe it is the addict gene in me that wants something to make it all better. I can get by with a nice cup of tea or a fire in the fireplace and a snuggly blanket sometimes, but when the stress is high with no definite end in sight, it's just not enough. And the stress is quite high right now; things improved for a couple of days and then situations arose that put me on edge again.
I am getting the general idea that this is how life is going to be. You'd think I would have figured that out in 42 years, but the image I had in my head of "everyone else's" life has been making me thing I am somehow defective. "Everyone else" deals with problems in a calm, mature way. "Everyone else" gets support or doesn't even have these problems to begin with. In my mind, there were the addicts, and there was "everyone else." And I was getting angry at myself for falling into the "addict" category like my alcoholic mother because of my using food as some kind of drug. I was subconsciously putting a negative label on myself and classing myself with drunks and druggies and "bad people" because I ate a cookie when I was stressed out. Only now do I see how unfair and judgemental that was to myself. I wouldn't classify another person that way; why judge myself so harshly?
People do sometimes self-medicate with food, or a latte, or something else that makes them feel better and eases stress. That is pretty normal, and okay. Now, I am not saying it is okay to run out and binge on donuts because your boss yelled at you or your kid is sick. Binge eating is a problem that is NOT within the range of normal self-soothing behavior. But having 2 cookies once a month? Not really a big deal.
I don't have the answer, but I am cutting myself some slack.
Today's self-medication includes an extra coffee with sugar free creamer. Frankly, when I am *this* overwhelmed, I start to go into 'frozen in place' mode where I feel paralyzed to begin ANYTHING because there are so many things I *have* to do. That just snowballs into more stress and trouble, so if it takes an extra cup of coffee and 15 minutes goofing off online so that I can take a deep breath and start SOMETHING, so be it. I wonder if a lot of people cope this way; I tend to think so, although not everyone chooses the same thing to soothe.
That's all for now. I feel a little better already, just writing it all out.
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