Happy New Years' Eve! Traditions

Well, here we are on this final night of 2011. What a year we've had. It's always rather nostalgic to see another year pass and wonder what the new one will bring. Always surprises.

We've been lazing around for the most part today, doing a bit of homework, reading, and playing games, watching movies and cooking. I traditionally make a spread of crackers with dips and cheeses and meats and a bunch of appetizers as our NYE meal. Tonight I am making some of the usuals: little smokies in BBQ sauce, baked sausage/cheese/Bisquick balls, and fruit pizza with a sugar cookie crust, cream cheese//Cool Whip spread on the cooled crust, and topped with sliced fresh kiwis, strawberries, bananas, mandarin oranges, blackberries, and grapes. We'll also have sparkling cider and some cheeses and spreads with crackers. The house smells yummy. But guess what? I'm not eating it.

Today I've had:
2 cups of coffee with sugar free creamer
2 mugs of Medifast hot cocoa
Medifast chili puffs and a diet Coke (my last one from the pantry, I believe. Not buying any diet sodas in 2012)
a large omelet made with a cup of Eggbeaters, 2/3 cup of turkey sausage crumbles, and a slice of low fat cheese

I'll have Medifast sloppy joe and a big pan of roasted fresh broccoli for dinner, and my dessert will be a Medifast brownie around 9pm. We are staying up late, and I might have some herbal tea, too.

I would like to change my NYE traditions a bit for next year. I plan to keep making fruit pizza, maybe with a slightly healthier crust. The rest has to change. The food is too fatty and salty and carby, so I might try some new things, including a fresh veggie and hummus tray, popcorn, spinach dip with Triscuits, and reduced fat cheeses. I might try making the sausage balls with reduced fat sausage, low fat cheese and Heart Healthy Bisquick or something, we'll see. My kids love the stuff, but it's a once-a-year thing. Still, healthier is better.

Tomorrow is Sunday, which happens to be my weigh in day AND the start of a new month and a new year. I am going to make some huge changes in 2012. I am very excited about that. I am proud that I've kept off about 80 pounds for several years now. My life is so much better for it. This year, I plan to reach my goal weight (whatever that turns out to be) AND to be more fit than I have ever been in my life. I have my exercise plan ready. I am on it. I might walk tomorrow but I start my formal plan on Monday when the kids go back to school. The Challenges start Monday. Be ready!

Have a great New Years Eve!

Weight Loss Challenge 2012: Let's Do This!

Okay! I am ready to share with you the Challenge I have put together for the new year! I am very excited to get started and hope this helps all of you as much as it will me.

This is something I had been planning to do for *myself* for some time now. I wanted to make these healthy changes, which will (in combination with not eating junk) lead to weight loss *without* focusing heavily on the number on the scale. The real focus here is on better health and a happier life. Weight loss is a side effect, even though it is also a goal.

This will be a two-part challenge: the Superfoods Challenge and the Fitness Challenge. You can choose to take part in one or the other or both. I will be doing both!

Part 1, the Superfoods Challenge

Back in 2007, right before I started this blog, I got a book called SuperFoods Rx: Fourteen Foods That Will Change Your Life. It's a simple book, with a simple premise: focus on getting in as many of these superfoods each day as you can, and you'll be healthier and lose weight. A friend of mine had told me that when she did this, she was so busy making sure she ate the superfoods that she neglected to eat junk, sugar, fatty stuff, and other less nutritious food. She was so focused on what TO eat that she didn't really notice what she was NOT eating, and was never hungry. I tried it, too... not a DIET, not a PROGRAM, but just making a list of the 14 superfoods, posting it on my fridge, and eating them at every meal and snack. Oh, you can have other foods, too, but the superfoods are the main focus. And lest you think you'd get bored, each superfood has what the author calls "sidekicks" which are healthy alternatives. So, for example, you can eat the superfood broccoli, but if you are getting tired of broccoli you can have one of its sidekicks which have a similar nutritional profile: Brussels sprouts, cabbage, kale, turnips, cauliflower, or collard greens. Serving sizes are listed and it is really very simple. For the challenge, I will post a new Superfood each Monday that we will try to incorporate into our diets that week. All you have to do to join this challenge is commit to TRYING each Superfood (or at least one of its sidekicks) each week when it is posted. I will post preparation ideas and recipes for each one during that week. Sound easy? It is! *There will be an accommodation for low carbers like myself who may not be eating from certain food groups at this time, so don't worry :)

If you want to get started right away, you can order the book (linked above and very cheap on Amazon right now) and start reading. Otherwise, hang in there until Monday and I will post our first Superfood, explain its nutritional value and how to shop for it and prepare it, and list its sidekicks. This should be fun!

Part 2, the Fitness Challenge

This one is as hard or as easy as you make it. If you join this challenge, the goal is to become more fit in 2012. You will need to make a plan for fitness, including a schedule of when and how long you will exercise. Put it in your planner or on your calendar like an appointment and stick to it. Figure out NOW how to ease into activity if you're sedentary (clear it with your doctor first) and work up to the level that gives you optimal health. So, right now, answer these questions for yourself:

1. What kinds of activity do I enjoy? What kind of exercise WILL I do and not put off? What do I like to do? Consider lots of ideas, such as walking, biking, skating, boxing, classes, weight lifting, dancing, jogging, swimming... whatever you LIKE and will DO.

2. How much can I do without hurting myself or hating it? If you're not sure, ease in gradually. You can pick more than one activity and add them in, one per week or one per month, as you are able. You can start with 5 minutes if you need to.

Write it down now and plan a start date... today if you like, or January 1 or 2. Then DO it. We will have a post for reporting our activity and progress once a week, probably on Fridays. I will post my activity plan and ask for you to post yours in the comments (and on your blog if you like) on Tuesday. So get it ready!

That's it. Real, simple changes you can make gradually in your eating and activity. You might think it silly for a challenge to be to eat a certain food every week, but time goes by quickly and the results are cumulative. In 14 weeks we will be eating ALL of the Superfoods each day, and our bodies will thank us. Give it a try, it's easy!

For those who want even more of a challenge, there is always the Habit-A-Week Challenge archives at the top of my page, which you can start anytime and do at your own pace. Small changes yield great results.

Let me know in the comments section which challenge(s) you will be participating in! I am here to help you, and will try to answer questions left as comments on each challenge post and help with any struggles you're having. I also encourage you to check out my BlogFrog community; we can chat there on the message board, you can ask questions and discuss how things are going for you, and we can even try having a live chat sometime! Let's help each other get healthy!

Helping Each Other: Let's Lose Weight Together

There are so many of us wandering around alone, needing help, but not quite knowing how to ask for it. We want to lose weight, get healthy, feel connected. But it's hard in this world. It's not the same world our parents grew up in.

Over Christmas break, my kids and I have been watching old Lassie episodes... the black and white ones, first with Jeff and then little Timmy. Each boy romps and wanders in the fields and forests, alone with their dog, not a care in the world. When their bike tire goes flat, they get picked up by a random passing neighbor and delivered back home. When Lassie needs eye surgery, Jeff hitchhikes to the big city to get her help. Strangers help each other. They stop and ask if someone might need help if something appears wrong. And everyone is safe, even a little 7-year-old boy wandering the streets alone with his dog, because strangers are watching out for him. But now, we can't live that way anymore. I never let my daughter wander the neighborhood alone, and she knows very well to never get in a car with a stranger. Thus, in the name of safety, we have become isolated.

How many times have you seen in the news that someone has a heart attack or an accident and dies on the ground while people walk on by? It's sad, really. Compassion is lost. People ignore or even make fun of others in distress. People say mean things to those who are struggling. Everyone looks out for themselves first. But it doesn't have to be that way. It SHOULDN'T be that way.

Several years ago, I was on my way home from my kids' swimming lessons in the summertime. I had a beater van full of hungry wet children, heading home for a change of clothes and some lunch. Lots of other people were leaving the city pool, too. As the line of cars came slowly to astop at the traffic light, I noticed a young lady straddling her bike on the corner. She didn't look so good. As the light turned green, suddenly, she was on the ground, toppled with a crash. Her bike lay on top of her, her legs tangled in the frame. She did not get up. I immediately put my hazard lights on and pulled over, as every car in front of me (closer to her) and every car behind me drove on by. I told my children to stay quiet, and ran over to the woman lying on the sidewalk. She stared straight up and began to shake. I tried to speak to her but she could not respond. She started having a seizure, and I just sat there and held her hand with one hand and tried to flag people down with the other. Finally someone stopped and called 911. I thought this lady was dying as she violently shook.  Cars whizzed by at the busy intersection as time stood still for me. She looked in my eyes and I told her she would be okay, that help was coming. Her eyes rolled back, her breathing slowed. Finally, the paramedics arrived, and as they took over, I stepped back. Suddenly every car in the vicinity was pulling over to see what was happening. To watch the paramedics rip her blouse open and shock her heart as she jolted off the sidewalk. I got in my van in tears, and went home. Later, I called the hospital and asked about her. They wouldn't tell me anything, but I couldn't get her off my mind. I said, "I just need to know, did she die?" and the lady said, "No, she didn't die. She is going to be okay."

I know I didn't do ANYTHING for this woman, except show compassion, but it has never left me how it felt to be there feeling helpless while everyone else just kept driving past.

In the blog world, we care about each other. We form bonds and friendships and support each other. Oh, not everybody does, but for the most part I have seen a lot of kindness and compassion here. I like that about blogging. When one of us is down, another will come and lift us up, or hold our hand until we are better. THAT is how it should be. That is how I wish the world could be... all of it. Well, we can't change everyone, but we certainly can change ourselves. We can change our little corner of the world by being compassionate and kind and caring about each other. We are NOT alone!

I get emails every day asking... begging... for help. I don't have *the answer* (I don't think there is one answer) but I do believe we can all share what we have and what we know to help each other lose weight. That's why I am putting this Challenge together for 2012. I want to help people, and I want to help myself. I want to form community and help people reach their goals for better health.

So, tomorrow (or maybe tonight) I will post the details of the challenge. It will be a two-part challenge involving eating and exercising. It will be as easy or as hard as you make it. You can choose to partake in one, or both. I will be doing both. We will have weekly updates and a community forum and I'd like to try out live chats, too. Start tonight by thinking about what your goals are for 2012... and I don't just mean a number on the scale (although that is fine, too). I believe that weight loss can and will be a side effect of healthier eating and exercise habits, so focusing on doing something *positive* for ourselves rather than focusing on restriction is the goal of this challenge. I hope you will join me in creating a healthier 2012. We can do it, together.

Moods and Food

I looked in the mirror today and said, "self, I like you!" And then I noticed that my face looks better... less bloated, less fat under the chin. I am down more than ten pounds since my restart on December 14, which was two weeks ago. I feel much better, my jeans are not tight anymore, and I am much, much happier. The happiness, I am convinced, is in good part due to mood improvement from better nutrition and getting off junk. When I eat a lot of sugar, grease, and refined flour products, I feel awful. I think I might even be mildly depressed when I eat like that. I believe ingesting those things affects a lot of body systems, including hormones and chemicals that regulate mood. Give it a try. A week without sugary junk and fat and carby stuff and maybe you will feel like a new person, too.

Only 3 more days left in 2011. Are you ready for a challenge? Details coming!

Yesterday, and a Challenge Update

Yesterday was another good day for me. I had leftover turkey breast, low fat cheesy cauliflower, and green beans for my dinner and it was delish. Today I will be making a family favorite: turkey soup and beer bread (not for me, but for the family). I am debating whether to make myself a smaller pot of turkey soup with the same homemade stock, chunks of turkey, extra veggies and no noodles, or (since I am slightly tired of turkey) perhaps I will just make a batch of low fat deviled eggs and have that for my protein and some roasted broccoli for my veggies.

I am planning the challenge that I talked about earlier; I think I will post it on January 1 or 2 and then anyone who wants to join me can! I am going to center the challenge around healthy eating and exercise. Start thinking now about what your goals are, and what would feel like "success" to you. Here is a loose version of MY goals for success in these departments:

Exercise: I have been sorely lacking in this for the past 2+ years. Remember how I always go hiking up a 2 mile, steep path on the coast in the summer? And how at 214 pounds it was so much easier, but then last year it was HARDER even though I weighed around 180? That's the decline in my fitness level since I switched from biking and lifting to just walking (and not everyday). I want to rebuild my fitness so that hiking is much easier and daily life is also easier physically. I am working on a scheduled exercise plan, written in a calendar planner and gradually working my way up to a good activity level. I will start small because I have a history of injuring myself if I push too hard. My plan will include walking, biking, PT exercises, and lifting.

Eating: I have fallen into a bit of a rut with the veggies lately, eating loads of cauliflower, spinach, and green beans. Not a whole lot else. Those veggies *are* healthy, but I need more variety. My first goal will be just that: seeking out a variety of fresh vegetables from the produce department, and later, the Farmer's Market. Later, when I add fruits, I will also be sure to have a variety of those. Of course, there will be other healthy eating goals to focus on, and one of mine is to increase my intake of Superfoods (I will post more on this later, including a list). Hmmm, a Superfoods Challenge might be a good way to share this!

I challenge you NOW to think about your goals and make a plan to implement them. You can sign up and report your progress in my 2012 Challenge starting next week.

How It Went, and Weigh In

You know what is really wonderful? A Christmas that is NOT about the food.

I always thought it just wouldn't be Christmas if we didn't have a ton of goodies. Cinnamon rolls, candy, fudge, and cookies are all such a big part of what I identify about Christmas. But this year, even though I still made the goodies, they were not sharing the stage with what was *really* important to me.

Saturday was just awesome. There is something transcendent about baking with my little girl and NOT wondering while we mix whether I will be able to eat some of the cookie dough without the kids seeing or how many warm cookies I will get to eat before they get put on plates. It is very freeing to just focus on the *activity* of baking with a child and the connection and their excitement at doing something fun together. I had the BEST time cooking this year because it was a teaching, bonding, sharing time without the intrusiveness of food obsession. That's the freedom that comes with staying OFF the sugar, for me. It's not bondage to a 'diet.' It's FREEDOM. True freedom.

Since I changed my lifestyle over four years ago (and therefore, by default,changed my kids' lifestyles) I rarely bake. Oh, I make pumpkin bread here or there, and I've always baked their birthday cakes from scratch, but 'way back when' I used to bake several times a week! Brownies, cookies, cakes, and pies were a regular part of the rotation. I am an excellent baker. I gave that up, for the most part, when I changed. It was hard for me. I mourned it for awhile. I tried baking healthier stuff using applesauce for oil, whole wheat flour, and less sugar, but it just wasn't the same and I had to let it go. A side effect of not baking much anymore is that the Christmas baking has become more special. It's not everyday Mom makes cookies, so everyone thoroughly enjoys the rare occasion that I do.

We made lots and lots of cookies (remember, though, there are lots of teen and adult 'kids' here to eat them!) and three kinds of candy in small batches. Would you like to know how many I ate? None. Would you like to know how much batter I tasted, how many spoons I licked, how many little tastes I had? None. You know why? Because I have plenty of kids who tasted everything and said it was all good. I've made these recipes before and I know how they taste. And when I made a lemon frosting for the sugar cookies, my son volunteered to taste it several times as I added lemon extract until it was just right. Thanks, son!

This was only possible for me because I am back in that state of mild (very mild) ketosis that happens when I am eating under 100 grams of carbs per day. Food gets much less BIG in my life and doesn't scream and call to me and look like more than it is. I don't obsess about food constantly and I no longer have the compulsion to eat, eat, eat. I had ten solid days of 100% staying on plan with Medifast before I started baking. It helped tremendously.

We had two special dinners as well: one on Christmas Eve, and the other on Christmas Day. We stuck with tradition, and I did a bit of planning ahead to make it successful.

Christmas Eve dinner was roasted turkey, mashed potatoes, gravy, rolls, green beans, and sparkling cider. I made a side of mashed cauliflower as well (the kids are not fans of this, but I love it, and it is perfectly on plan and low carb!) My meal was 5.5 ounces of turkey (mostly light meat with a bit of dark), 1 cup of mashed cauliflower, half a cup of green beans, and 2 Tablespoons of gravy. I drank water. It was great! The turkey was moist and juicy and flavorful... best turkey ever! I had skipped my optional snack for the day in order to have that bit of gravy and stay under my allowed carbs, and it worked out fine.

I had planned ahead to take a day off plan on Christmas, but with a strategy: get plenty of protein, watch the carbs, NO sugar, count calories/carbs/fat. I knew my sodium and fat would be high and was okay with that.

Christmas breakfast was sticky buns, scrambled eggs, and bacon. I enjoyed a cup of eggnog flavored coffee with 1/2 cup of scrambled Egg Beaters and two slices of crisp low sodium bacon. Lunch on Christmas is always an appetizer plate (lots of kinds of cheeses and summer sausage, crackers, leftover turkey); I had a couple slices of cheese, 2 slices of summer sausage, and 4 ounces of turkey. My midmorning and afternoon snacks were Medifast meals, and I had an extra mug of coffee with sugar free creamer, too.

Christmas Day dinner was baked spiral sliced ham, mashed potatoes, gravy, cheesy scalloped potatoes, different green beans (with crumbled bacon and sliced almonds), rolls, and sparkling cider. I made a side dish of the cheesy potato recipe using cauliflower instead of potatoes and reduced fat cheese in place of regular. My plate included 4 ounces of ham, 3/4 cup cheesy cauliflower, and 3/4 cup of green beans (which were fantastic, BTW). My dessert later was a Medifast chocolate chip cookie and a cup of peppermint tea.

I logged all my calories for the day and came in under 1900. My fat and salt were high but carbs nice and low (70) and today I am back to 100% on plan.

The best part of Christmas was my children. I love, love, love spending time with them, whether it's baking, playing board games, reading stories, watching old Lassie reruns, or just talking. Everyone loved their gifts, too. I got something I've been wanting for a long time: a gift subscription to BowWowFlix! I am very excited because I can get training videos and work on my dog training goals, which will also help me stay active. And the best gift is the one I gave to myself: peace of mind about food. I am so thankful for that.

Scale this morning says: 205 pounds. That's a three pound loss this week. Drinking lots of water today to get rid of any holiday salt bloat. I hope your holidays were are wonderful as mine was, and that you have many more enjoyable holidays ahead!

Wonderful Day, Pup Pictures, and Counseling Session 1

Today has been another great day! I have lots of energy and focus. I started on the holiday baking (late!) and didn't taste a lick. I did have a Medifast soft bake chocolate chip cookie, though! That, along with a mug of Target's Archer Farms White Chocolate Cranberry coffee, helped me feel like I wasn't missing out on anything. It is nice to be able to keep traditions with my kids and bake together. It's even more special now, since I gave up baking during most of the year and only bake on special occasions like birthdays and Christmas. We're having a lot of fun!

My pup had a playdate for 2 hours today, and then my daughter had a playdate for 2 hours. I got some shopping done and, first thing in the morning, ran my pup to the vet because she saw fit to shove her whole face into the Christmas tree to take a bite and managed to poke her eye with a branch. She'll be fine, but it was a little nerve wracking for me!

She's a year old now. Can you believe that this...

Has turned into this?

She is awesome.

One of the very coolest things about today was that I got to talk to a counselor for an hour. Not just any counselor, either: a healthy living specialist with a background in addiction. How awesome is that? And do you know what is super cool about this? Medifast set me up with him. They emailed me and offered to connect us up, and we talked on the phone for an hour while my daughter watched a video. I cannot say thank you enough to Medifast. The care I have gotten from my PR contact, Renee, has been above and beyond, including when she hooked me up with a dietitian and now this. Thank you so much. This is really going to help me a LOT.

In part, what I learned from the counselor this morning is that I need to reframe my way of thinking about losing weight. Instead of the fear based motivation I have had, I need to think in terms of positives and possibilities: development based motivation. For example:

Fear based motivation: I have got to lose this weight because if I don't, I might lose my mobility. I have such bad knees and I HAVE to get this weight off them. I need to avoid surgery as long as possible. And my mother died of cancer because she was so obese she did not notice a tumor the size of a grapefruit. I do not want to die that way. I don't want to die young and leave my daughter without a mom. If I gain anymore weight, my clothes won't fit anymore. I have to get control of this.

Development based motivation: I want to lose weight so I can go hiking with my kids on summer vacation. That will be fun and will build a closer bond with my kids. They will really enjoy it. I want to be able to go skating with my daughter again. She will be so happy when we can do that, and it will bring us closer. And I really want to be able to do more dog sports with my dog. Doing agility and tracking will be great fun and exercise for us both, with give my dog and I a closer bond, and will improve her quality of life, too.

See the difference? The first kind of motivation fades, and has limits. It is draining and stress-promoting. The second kind never fades and is limitless. It builds confidence and anticipation of better things. As the counselor said, "this is about LOVE, not fear."

Indeed. I love my children and want to have those wonderful experiences with them. I love my dog and want to enjoy fun activities and have the pride of achievements with her. THAT is real, energy-building motivation.

I feel great and hope to continue on this path all the way through the holidays. I hope you are enjoying your days, and wish you happiness and better health and a wonderful future.


*FTC-required disclosure: Medifast provided me with its products for my personal use for free.*

Woke Up Ready!

This morning, I woke up ready to get going! Not on anything in particular, just on life.

This is worth mentioning because of the serious sleep deprivation and fatigue problems I've had over the past several months. I generally stay up til 10 or 11 and don't fall asleep until 11 or 12. Then I wake up 2 or 3 times in the night, plus my daughter sometimes comes in my room and wakes me up. Then the senior dog starts barking, sometimes as early as 5am, but always by 7, and I feel just exhausted and get up dragging and wishing I could stay in bed one more hour. But not today.

Today I woke up on my own, just before 7, and felt awake and ready to take on the day. I felt positive. And I don't even remember waking up once in the night, either. It was the best night of sleep I've had in weeks, maybe months. I believe this improvement in sleep quality is due to the change in my eating habits. Lower carb, higher protein, better nutrition, level blood sugar. That's what I think.

I got a lot done again today, but even more important, it was joyful. I am ready to have my joyful life back. I am so thankful.

Something Changed

Something changed today. Instead of trying to explain it, let me just compare today with the last few months.

Most days, last few months: avoid, avoid, eat, avoid, think about food, avoid, procrastinate, do some basic stuff, avoid, rest, spend time with kids, avoid, force self to do basic cleaning, avoid, procrastinate, feel tired, be annoyed I can't get anything done, obsess about food, avoid, procrastinate, make lists, think about stuff, eat, avoid.

Today: wrap presents, clean kitchen, play with dog, do nine loads of wash, mail Christmas gifts, take dog and kid on errands, fold and put away all nine loads of wash, open all the boxes that came in the mail, sort stuff, take daughter to dance, train dog, play with daughter, clean, read and do homework with daughter, bake banana bread, steam a head of cauliflower, wash dishes, make grocery list, walk the dog a mile, plan Christmas foods, pick up the house, make cauliflower pizza, and oh yeah, blog!

I had more energy today even though frankly I was not in the mood for it. I had every intention of having a quiet, nonproductive day, but my energy came through and kept pushing me to do more and keep going even when I thought about stopping. I just felt more alive, and a LOT less avoidant/food obsessed. I did not take an energy pill or drink an energy drink or consume loads of coffee to do this. I got OFF CARBS. That's what happens when I get off carbs.

It takes about a week, but the difference in dramatic. Day and night. I got more done today than I have in weeks. And now I am good and tired and ready for bed. Day 8 on plan tomorrow. Goodnight!

Seeing Things Differently

I have noticed a bit of a shift in the way I look at my body in the mirror. Maybe it started with that trip to try on clothes and buy a dress and a pair of jeans. I saw myself then in a way I never really had before. And that has kind of stuck with me.

Now don't get me wrong. I am not about self-loathing. I do not find my body disgusting or repulsive. I still find it beautiful. I still thank my arms for holding my babies and than my legs for carrying me so far. I love myself. This is different.

When I look in the mirror now, the first thing I see is the bulges. I am sure that has everything to do with being about 20 pounds too large for my clothes, and I do try to cover it up a bit with sweaters and light jackets. But the bottom line is, there are a lot of fat rolls where there were none a year ago.

It's different now. It's not the same as it was coming down the scale from 278. Before, even when I was morbidly obese, I "saw" mirrors but walked on by; I occasionally "saw" a reflection or a photograph but I didn't dwell and quickly looked away and thought about something else, like what kind of brownie I wanted from the bakery. I lived like that for ten years. When I was losing weight, I learned to look... really look... in the mirror. I saw. I scrutinized and admired the changes. I was pretty happy with most of them, until I got into the 170's and started seeing too much loose skin and hanging bits and wrinkles. And then I regained and *poof* those were suddenly all gone! A miracle! I fixed myself! I kid, but not really. I think that was part of it, subconsciously... part of the regain. But anyway, having been on the "other side" of obesity, having lost the fat rolls and bulges at least from obvious view for a time, it is very, *very* disconcerting to see them now. I guess as I regained, they grew and were there but I ignored them. I didn't see them until I was trying on clothes in that ridiculous little booth. And now they are all I see.

Every day when I get dressed, I mutter to myself. I look in the mirror, feel my eyes get big and my mouth open in disbelief a little, and whirl around muttering and trying to find a) something to cover it up or b) something else to wear. It is kind of distressing. And I feel quite self conscious for a few minutes, thinking about other people seeing my rolls, but then I walk away and tell myself to get over it, do something about it, and cherish what I've got: a decent, working, capable body. And I go about my day and don't think of it again until I am in the same bathroom at night changing into my too-tight pajamas, looking in the mirror, my eyes getting big and my mouth dropping open as I see the rolls and whirl around to a) find some other pajamas to wear or b) grab a bathrobe.

I am doing something about it, that's all I can do. But it is hard now, after having been thin (at least in my own mind) to be obese again and see it with my very own eyes.

Weigh In and Plan

Feeling MUCH better today, physically and emotionally! I think yesterday's ick was probably sugar withdrawal more than anything, and now I am out the other side and things should get easier again.

Today is day 5 on plan. I started back on Medifast on Wednesday weighing 214. Today I am down 6 pounds to 208. I do feel less bloated. It is nice when the bloat/water retention from sugar and tons of carbs goes away. The ache in my hands and feet goes away with it. What a relief.

So yes, now I have a long term plan which I posted about a couple of times this week. I intend to switch to that plan when I feel ready. My goal right now is to get through the cookie baking, fudge making, Christmas candy laden next two weeks without gaining weight. I chose to go back on Medifast during this time because after a week or so on plan, my binge urges get so much weaker. The food obsession fades. I am hoping this will hold true and I can just ride it out and lose weight through the holidays. If and when I feel I cannot stick with it any longer, I have my lifetime plan ready. I feel much more confident having a structured way of eating. I start getting nervous and eating too much of the wrong things and not enough of the right things without that structure. I have NEVER lost weight without structure.

Something I am starting right now: focusing on vegetables. I have been in a rut with the same canned green beans and mashed cauliflower and spinach lately. I had forgotten about all the other delicious offerings that are out there this time of year, most especially kale. I love kale! So this week's grocery list will include a trip to my favorite produce section which has a lot of local organic stuff as well as good quality veggies in season from other locations. I will be getting some kale and looking around for something new to try. I want to try some new recipes to post as well.

Starting in January when the kids go back to school, I will have a structured exercise plan. Regardless of whether I continue Medifast through January or transition to my new lifetime plan, I will have a calendar marked with appointments for my exercise, including walking, indoor biking, and weight lifting. I will be starting small because I have been quite sedentary lately and I don't want to injure myself, but I think a long walk, 10 minutes of biking per day, and weight lifting for 10 minutes 3x/week is a good start. I can work up from there. The PT exercises should be in there somewhere. Maybe mixed in with the lifting at first. If it is too overwhelming I won't do it.

That's all for now. Have a great, healthy day!


*FTC-required disclosure: Medifast provided me with its products for my personal use for free. I am not paid or compensated in any other way for mentioning their products. Medifast states an "average weight loss of up to 2 to 5 pounds a week."*

Thinking...

I was looking over the Maintenance program Medifast puts out, to get some more ideas about what it might take to maintain once I reach goal weight, or even to lose more via eating whole foods. I also wanted to compare MY ideal of long term eating to theirs.

I wrote about mine here, just the other day. I found Medifast's here, in the Maintenance Guide. This is their guideline for a day's intake in maintenance:


5 servings of veggies (1 serving = 1 cup raw leafy greens or 1/2 cup raw or cooked other veggies)
2 servings of fruits (1 serving = 1 medium piece or 1/2 cup cubed fruit or berries)
2 servings of low fat dairy (1 serving = 1/2 cup)
9-13 ounces of lean meat, chicken, fish or other protein
0-3 healthy fat servings depending on how lean the protein is for the day (1 serving = 1 tsp oil, 1/2 oz nuts, 1 1/2 oz avocado)
1 serving of whole grains (1 slice whole grain bread, 1/2 cup whole grain pasta, or 1/3 cup brown rice, etc)
3 "healthy fuelings" (A healthy fueling = 90-110 calories and some examples given are: 6 oz plain Greek yogurt, a banana, 2 cups baby carrots, a cup of cauliflower with 2 Tbsp low fat Ranch dip, an apple, 3 cups air popped popcorn, 30 pistachios, celery with 1 Tbsp natural peanut butter, or a Medifast meal.)

This is all supposed to add up to around 1500 calories.

I think it is a good guideline with the exception of the grains. I might be keeping them out entirely. I'm not sure. I think legumes/beans fit in here somewhere also, as a protein, so that would give me some carbs without adding whole grains. In fact, I might even lose weight on that type of plan as long as I was exercising as well. What do you think about using this as a framework for my long term eating plan? I might try it, but keep the grains out until I hit goal, and maybe only have one fruit serving per day until then as well.

*Edited to add: one protein serving = 4-7 oz cooked lean meat or 1 cup of BEANS or lentils :)

More Sickness

I don't feel well AT ALL this morning. I was up at 6:30 and felt fine, but tired. I had my cup of coffee as usual. Then I started to feel hot and sort of off. Maybe slightly nauseous. I thought I might be hungry and wanted to stay liquid just in case I am coming down with something, so I had a Medifast hot cocoa. I still have not gotten it all down. I feel a little dizzy, hot and cold, and varying between hungry (stomach growling) and full/nauseous. I've had sick kids this week: vomiting Monday and Tuesday, diarrhea yesterday and today. I can only assume I am coming down with whatever that was.

When I went to school the other day there were a lot of kids absent because of vomiting, and I saw a mother comforting her child as they threw up on the sidewalk at school. Yuck. Guess it's that time of year. Seems like this school year had had more than its share of illness going around.

I am going to stick with liquids until I am confident I am not going to start throwing up. I hate that.

That's all for now.

Thoughts on a Long Term Plan

I've been doing a lot of thinking the past couple of days, about where I want to be in a year and how I want to get there. I've gotten a lot of good input from your comments, so thank you for that.

A couple of sure things:

I need to exercise. I need to move more. I have known this all along, but for some reason have been resistant. I keep hurting myself when I exercise. I think doing my PT exercises for my legs will help with that, but I am still not sure what's going on with my feet. I find myself having foot pain when I walk too far or bike too long. I may need to see a specialist about that if it continues. But regular exercise is part of improving my health long term... not just weight loss. Strength training is going to have to make a comeback, as well.

I need to eat lots of vegetables. Lots and lots of fresh, local, organic (when possible) vegetables, including leafy greens like kale and spinach. I found a lot of joy and success from weekly visits to the Farmer's Market. Learning how to prepare new vegetables was a source of pleasure for me as well. I want this to be a regular part of my life, always.

I want to include fruits, too, in moderation. I am not exactly sure how much fruit I can eat without having some kind of sugar-trigger, but I do not think cutting it out completely would be a good idea. Fresh fruits in season, in place of other sweets, is another source of joy for me.

I need to get enough protein. I think having some protein with every meal is a good idea. I want to base this around lean protein sources, local and free range when possible. I can get free range eggs and beef year-round for a reasonable price; wild salmon is another healthy thing I enjoy. I want to have fish once or twice a week, red meat no more than once a week, and a few vegetarian meals as well. I love cooking with beans, lentils, and split peas.

I need to cut out artificial sweeteners entirely. I just don't feel good about them. My long term plan does not include them. I have not bought any in quite some time and I won't be buying anymore at all. I do plan to use raw local honey in strict moderation. My allergist said 1 teaspoon per day helps control seasonal allergies and I do think that works.

I am going to have to count something. Probably calories, maybe carbs. I'm not sure. I also am not sure whether/how much whole grains to include; lots of conflicting information about that. Not sure about dairy either.

Low carb eating, whether South Beach or Medifast, has been the only thing that turns off the binge monster for me. If I eat under a certain number of carbs per day, food loses its massive draw and it is a lot easier to stay in control. It takes about a week of low carbs to get to that point, but it does happen. I think that is the answer to the binge eating issue.

Right now, my only focus is to NOT go off the deep end, eat tons of Christmas cookies, and gain weight by January 1. That is really my only focus. I am just trying to hang on through the holidays, and enjoy them without making food the focal point.

Ouch and Zzzzz

I had a rough day today, mainly at the dentist. But that's over, I got my new crown on my tooth and also got my cleaning done, so that's that for another six months (I hope). I always feel really drained after having dental work done. I also was numb for a couple of hours so have been eating soft stuff. Anyway, I am exhausted so am just going to post my past 2 days' food for now. Will post more about my thoughts tomorrow.

Yesterday:

2 cups of coffee, 2 Tbsp sugar free creamer
Medifast meals: shake, bar, cookie, puffs, pudding at 8am, 10am, noon, 3pm, and 9pm
Dinner was an omelet made from 2/3 c Eggbeaters, 2/3 c cooked turkey sausage crumbles, 1 oz reduced fat mozzarella, 3/4 c baby spinach, 3/4 c mushrooms, and 1 Tbsp salsa.

Today:

I knew I would be eating soft foods only after my dental appointment, so I had my Lean for breakfast.
8am: coffee w/2 Tbsp sugar free creamer, 3 local free range eggs scrambled with 1/4 c spinach
10am: Medifast bar
-dental work-
lunch was Medifast chicken noodle soup, and 3pm snack was a shake
Dinner (green portion) was 1 1/4 cups of mashed cauliflower pureed with 1 wedge of Laughing Cow Light cheese (very creamy and this tastes like mashed potatoes)
7pm Medifast cranberry mango drink
planned for 8:30-9pm: Medifast pudding

I am not hungry, no cravings right now, just tired and have an achy jaw. I walked about 2 miles yesterday but not much today, maybe a half mile. The bloat around my middle is going down.

Just the Facts

I got on the scale this morning and I weigh 214 pounds. That means I gained 25 pounds in less than 3 months.

I also took new measurements. From my low weight (175) in October 2010, I gained:
.75" on my neck
.25" on each wrist
1.5" on each upper arm
1.5" on each calf
3.5" on each thigh
3.5" on my bust
6" on my hips
and 7" on my waist.

As you can imagine, I don't like the way I feel. I went from a size 10 jeans to a 16, my knees and feet hurt, and it takes more effort to move. I have less energy and confidence and do not like the sensation of just *being larger* and taking up more space.

That's why I have turned it around, as I posted yesterday. I started this morning as if I were beginning anew, with weights and measures and a completely fresh mindset.

What I am doing now: well, to tell you the truth, I am stressed out and frustrated because I don't know WHAT to do. There have only been three methods in my lifetime of weight loss efforts that resulted in a loss of more than 30 pounds: calorie counting, South Beach diet, and Medifast. I know those three things "work" if I stick with them, and they do not "work" if I go off plan, binge, overeat, etc. Frankly, right now I do not have the brain power, the energy, nor the commitment level to sort out a new plan. I am trying to make it through my least favorite month, get through the holidays and their temptations, get some of this weight off so I feel better and my clothes fit and I can let the success motivate me to keep going. The easiest thing for me to do is Medifast. I already have the foods here (Medifast has continued to send me my food for free, through all my waffling and difficulties, even though I am not exactly a poster girl for Medifast weight loss lately), it is easy to do if you DO it and I have a slew of healthy recipes already figured out for my dinners on the Medifast plan. So I am doing that right now. That said, I have been messing around with Medifast for a loooong time. I started on March 1, 2010. I went off for awhile earlier this year. More than once actually. But really, I look at the calendar and realize that in March it will be two YEARS since I started Medifast. That is just... well, I should be done by now. So I am making a commitment today as part of my new start: if I am not on plan and losing weight ACTIVELY on Medifast, making *real* progress by March 1, 2012, I will quit trying to make Medifast work for me and do something else. I may change plans sooner, but that date is my line in the sand for either giving Medifast 100% or doing something else. I do NOT know what to do. I get a lot of comments telling me to just "eat whole foods" but I have done that, right here on this blog, and gained weight. I think I will need to do some combination of whole foods, calorie counting, and low carb. I definitely need a plan. I can get that plan via Medifast Transition if I can make it that far, but like I said, two years is long enough. If I can't make it work anymore for whatever reason, I will do something else.

Escape from Obesity II

Welcome to my blog, Escape from Obesity II.

I have been obese for five months straight. And let me tell you, I am tired of it.

I got here by eating too much. In that five months, I went on trips. I ate what I wanted. I went to buffets and got take-out and pizza. I baked and went to parties and drank lattes and ate donuts. I did it because I wanted to, I felt driven to, it felt good, it tasted good. I didn't exercise much. I walked a mile or two here or there but that's it. I didn't focus. My weight wasn't that important to me most of the time. When I got frustrated or annoyed or sick of being fat I "tried again," sometimes for weeks at a time, but I never really put my heart into it.

I created this blog back when I was morbidly obese with a BMI of 44.9. My goal was, as the title suggests, to escape from obesity. BMI charts are kind of random but they are a useful tool for me to figure out how I am doing.

On September 2, 2010, after more than three years of hard work, I finally escaped obesity. The scale said 185 pounds, which calculates to a BMI of 29.9: overweight, not obese. I rejoiced.

After that, though, my weight bounced up and down, dipping a toe back into obesity here and there as I went up to 193 and then worked very, very hard to get to my lowest weight of 175 pounds in late October. See the pictures on the sidebar? So proud. So happy. For about 3 weeks.

I bounced back into obesity again, hitting 187 pounds before doing a months-long yo yo from 177 to 189 to 178 to 190 to 182 to 198 jumping back and forth over the line of obesity and finally jumping back under 185 in June of this year. In July, I hit 180 and then bounced back into obesity again, where I have been ever since.

That's my story. A story of maintenance, it seems: 185 in September 2010 and 180 in July 2011. Pretty successful, really.

Except that since July I have not done so well at maintaining. I have stayed in the obese category since then, hitting 189 here and there but never getting back to 185 and out of obesity. And after today's horrible eating, I am quite sure I am at my highest weight in at least a year. And I am not happy about it. Not at all.

I am starting over. It is time to escape from obesity. Again.

Weighing in tomorrow. Taking measurements. I already took some very unflattering pictures. I thought about it and I don't care that it is right before the holidays. I cannot stand to "wait" until New Years to get this going. I am killing myself with food and it has to stop.

I WILL be posting my weight tomorrow, and every Sunday, and on the first of every month like I used to do. I WILL do whatever it takes to make this work. I WILL figure this out. I WILL be posting a challenge for all of us to join and work together after the holidays. And I WILL escape from obesity again. I WILL succeed.

Losing it

Yesterday I did not eat well. I had all those good intentions, started out with a Medifast shake and another Medifast meal mid-morning. I thought and planned my loaded baked "potato" soup for dinner, which is low carb and healthy. But somewhere in the hours of holding my little girl's hair and rubbing her back while she threw up in the toilet, I fell apart. It was the stress of that, trying to run up and down stairs doing loads of vomited-on laundry, remaking beds, trying to send my son on an errand only to have the car not start (and be unable to be jumped... apparently it's not the battery), dealing with the pup with a ton of pent-up energy, and having power out in part of the house. I made banana bread for the unsick kids to have as a snack after school and had a slice myself with my coffee. And from there it was downhill.

Have you ever had that feeling when you are way stressed out that what you REALLY need is to cram food in your mouth? There is something about it that is very soothing and calming. I tried, I really did, to talk it out, wait through it, feel the feelings. But the feelings were so overwhelming. I was feeling very alone, overwhelmed, tired of having to do all of this myself. I was wishing I had ONE relative... a parent, a sister, an aunt, a cousin, anything... someone I could call who would care that my daughter is sick and would try to help me somehow. I just wanted to feel supported. How nice would it be to know that when she is feeling better I could leave her at grandma's house for an afternoon so I could go do my Christmas shopping? Or train the dog for awhile? I dunno, I was having a pity party I guess, and dove into the food. I ate two bowls of corn chips and about 4 ounces of cheese. I did not make the soup I'd planned; I roasted a chicken and had maybe 4 ounces of that (which in itself would be fine) but also ate a serving of mashed potatoes and gravy. And I was too wiped out by that time to make a vegetable, even though I looked for canned green beans and couldn't find any.

When my child stopped vomiting around 6:30pm, I had a son watch her while I ran to a nearby store for popsicles and Gatorade for her. She had not had any fluids all day. While I was there, guess what I grabbed?

a package of Skinny Cow ice cream sandwiches
a Lindt chocolate bar
a small bakery coffee cake

I came home, cared for my daughter, and when I finally got her to sleep at 9:15pm, I ate 4 Skinny Cows and one square of chocolate.

All of that might not seem terribly significant, but to me it says that I am still having an issue using food as a comfort. It says I have a hard time controlling myself under stress. It was a binge whether it was as large as I used to binge or not. And you can bet I probably gained 5 pounds of bloat from that. It is scary how fast I gain when I eat sugar. I know I should leave it alone. I didn't care *in that moment* last night. And I am well aware what I really wanted was a hug, someone to talk to, someone to clean the kitchen for me and figure out what was wrong with the car for me and someone to go get the Christmas tree for me. I desperately want to decorate and have the tree up.

The good news is, this morning my daughter (who is home from school again) is not throwing up. She feels much better. Also, last night around 5:30 the electrician came and fixed my power problem so now I have electricity in the whole house again. The car is still not running, but lucky for me, I have another car that IS working. Maybe I can go get that Christmas tree this afternoon with my daughter, if she is feeling up to it.

This morning I had an English muffin with butter, an egg over easy, and 2 cups of coffee with sugar free creamer. I also had a 2" square of that coffee cake.

I need to get a grip. The highest number I have seen on the scale this month was 214. Last time I checked was a couple days ago and I weighed 208. I am *very* nervous that I am gaining very fast. I want to put the brakes on but trying to focus on everything else AND losing weight is very hard for me right now. I hate this. I wish it was easier. I need to get a grip.

Can't Catch a Break

Last night, the power went out in the main living areas of the house. We have power in the bedrooms and bathrooms (thank goodness), but none in the living room, dining room and most of the kitchen. Thankfully, the stove and fridge are working, but no lights or microwave and most of the outlets do not work. No TV and I have to run my laptop on battery. My daughter and I ate dinner by candlelight last night, which was kind of fun. But it will be very nice if/when this is fixed. An electrician is coming late this afternoon, I hope.

This morning I woke up and my little girl got in my bed and said, "I don't feel good. Can I stay home from school?" So I told her she could if she went back to sleep. I covered her up in my bed and went to make myself some coffee. Not long after that, my daughter threw up all over herself in my bed. Poor baby, she can't catch a break. I spent an hour and a half holding her hair and rubbing her back while she puked in the toilet. I feel so bad for her. Between retching she said, "I'm so sorry I threw up in your bed." She is so sweet. I assured her it was fine, that I was going to wash the sheets anyway and now I would have nice fresh sheets for tonight. I gave her a bath, cleaned the bedroom and bathroom, got her into fresh clothes, held her hair while she puked some more, and set her up with blankets and a bucket in the living room. She is resting on the couch here beside me now.

Not much else going on. Looks like we will just be staying home resting for the day. Crossing my fingers that I don't start throwing up! I am mostly drinking my meals (Medifast shakes and an extra pot of coffee) just in case.

Up for a Challenge?

I have been blogging for almost four and a half years now, and I have never (to my memory) joined in any of the "challenges" that bloggers do. They seem pretty popular; you set some kind of goal, whether it is walking a certain number of miles, working out a certain number of times per week, or losing the most weight. People add their names and say "me too!" or "I'm in!" and everyone encourages each other to stick with it. A little competition and the accountability of publicly saying you will do something can be very motivating. I just have never done it. The closest I ever came was the Habit-A-Week Challenge which I made up and posted on my blog some time ago as a way for people to change their lives slowly and for good. But there wasn't really an official check-in or sign-up or any interaction between participants or anything like that.

Lately, I've been thinking about doing some kind of a challenge. I like the camaraderie and support that you get from trying to do something important *together.* I know this blog reaches a lot of people; I wonder if there is some way I can help YOU get motivated and *stay* motivated and feel supported as you change your life. I am sure it would help me as well.

I'd like to figure something out to take advantage of the new energy and big surge in desire to lose weight/get fit/become healthy that comes with January first. I'd like to find a way to harness all that positivity in a way that will help us all move forward as a group. I don't want you to feel alone. I don't want you to drop out after a couple of weeks. I want us all to have *significant* changes in our health and weight by, say, summertime. You can do a lot of work on yourself and truly change your body for the better in six months.

I know fitness is important, and there is much more to health than just losing weight. But I am thinking of creating a challenge that does focus mainly on weight loss as a desired outcome, even if the challenge is not focused only on numbers on a scale. I mean, if there was a challenge to eat 9 servings of fruits and veggies a day while limiting junk food, a side effect of that would be weight loss. That could even be one of the main goals of changing one's eating. But it also would affect your health for the better. And, in a lot of cases, when one is obese or morbidly obese, weight loss can improve one's health.

So, for now, I am just mulling it over in my head. I have thought about what might be helpful to a lot of people wanting to do something about their weight or to get off a plateau. I thought about having a sign-up and maybe a weekly check-in as well as ramping up participation in my community. We could use BlogFrog to talk to each other about how we are doing, and have threads on various challenges we are facing. We could even have a weekly live support chat if people were interested. I think having a bunch of friends who are working on the same goals and getting to actually talk to each other in chat might be motivating.

So, what do you think? I am totally open to suggestions. Would you participate? What would YOU like to see in a challenge? I want to change our lives.

A Nice Day

I had a really *nice* day today. I did start out sort of grumpy... something about the tooth fairy forgetting to come and being awakened at 5am by a crying little girl holding her tooth... but once I got going, things just got better and better.

I went to school with my daughter twice this week: once to eat lunch with her, and once to do my usual volunteer work. Both were quite fun, although the school lunch was every bit as blah as I expected. I went in believing they would be serving yummy turkey with gravy and mashed potatoes and veggies, but instead it was limp lukewarm waffles (from frozen) and brown-n-serve sausages. Um. Okay. Glad I generally pack a lunch for my daughter! But it was fun to sit with her and her friends in the cafeteria and listen to the chatter. Very sweet.

It is bitterly cold outside so I spent most of today indoors, cleaning and doing laundry. I enjoyed sipping hot coffee in between chores and stuck to my Medifast plan. Generally how it's been going this week is I eat my 5 Medifast meals as usual, and then have one meal I fix myself (or am served by a lunch lady). Today was no different. I had an awesome dinner plan for when we got home from dance class: taco soup in the crockpot for the kids, and a Medifast-friendly Lean & Green chicken taco soup thawing on the counter from when I made it a couple months ago. Well, I got home and started heating up that chicken taco soup, and it was obvious there was a problem. Freezer burn? Too old? Something wasn't right. I have frozen this before with good results, so I am not sure what went wrong. It was terribly watery and flavorless, like chicken shreds floating in murky water. I could not recognize any vegetables. I wonder if they dissolved somehow? Anyway, I heated it up, thought I could doctor it, but no. It was not going to work. I drained off the water/broth and am trying to decide if I can use the chicken in something else tomorrow. Maybe not.

Anyway, when that happened it was five minutes til dinnertime, so I decided to just eat the regular taco soup with the family. It's not unhealthy at all; it is a staple in the rotation and will be something I eat for the rest of my life. But it isn't low carb. I change up the amounts of what I put in sometimes, but the basic ingredients always stay the same.

Ingredients:
1 pound lean grass fed ground beef, browned and drained
1 can Mexican style stewed tomatoes and their juices
1 can chili beans in tomato sauce
1 can kidney beans, drained
1 can pinto beans, drained
1 can water
(all cans approx 15-16 oz each)
taco seasoning to taste
half packet of Ranch dressing mix
onion powder, garlic powder

Put in the crock pot on low for 4-6 hours or on high for 2. Serve with grated cheese, corn chips, and sour cream if desired.

So I had 2 bowls of that and it was so delicious. I will have one more Medifast meal this evening and then be done eating for the day.

I am happy it is the weekend. It made me smile to be at the store buying various flavors of candy canes for the kids to hang on the Christmas tree (which I hope to get in a few days). I feel good and optimistic and am looking forward to a fun event this weekend with my new dress, new shoes, and sweet daughter. We'll also be eating lunch with friends, and I am planning to have chicken fajitas minus the tortillas. I can hardly wait!

Enjoy your weekend!


*FTC-required disclosure: Medifast provided me with its products for my personal use for free.*

Reality Check: THAT Mirror Didn't Lie!

Oh boy.

I got a huge, massive slap of reality today. And I mean slap.

I've said before: I look in the mirror. I see the same me I saw at 178 pounds. I don't generally see the weight gain. I have the same pants on I wore in the 180's. I haven't changed much, in my brain. Even though the scale says differently, to the tune of about 30 pounds.

That changed today.

I think I must have trick mirrors at home. Or maybe it's the dim lighting in the bedroom, or the way there are boxes in front of the fully-mirrored closet doors, or the fact that I wear sort of loose clothing and don't stand too close to the mirrors. Maybe it's because I don't look for too long. I don't *really* look.

I looked today.

I have an event to attend where I need to be nicely dressed. I'm not a frequent churchgoer and I don't have an office job, nor do I go out to fancy events much. I dress simply, in jeans and tees or sweaters for the most part. But for this, I needed a nice dress. And since I had to shop, I decided to go ahead and buy myself ONE pair of jeans that actually fit. Because, you know that one pair of 14's I have been wearing forever? The only pair of jeans/pants I have that fits? Well the other day I saw something I haven't seen in a long, long time: light shining through the fabric in the thighs of my pants! Gah! It was a bit distressing when I first noticed them getting threadbare between the legs. It sent me into flashbacks of those darned black stretch pants I used to wear and how the inner thighs would rub, rub, rub away the fabric until I was walking around with holes in my pants. I am not about to wear holey jeans, so I figured I had to cave and buy a pair to wear until I got some of this weight back off.

I went into the store. I was looking through the clothes, and felt oddly calm even though I had no idea what size I should try on. I remembered how when I went shopping several months ago, I'd always end up in the changing room gasping in disbelief that the skinny-looking clothes actually fit MY body. It was exciting! So today I felt almost confident as I grabbed the 12's and 14's, and one pair of 16's (just to make myself feel skinny when I tried them on and they were falling off me). I went to try them on, along with some dresses in the same range of sizes. I was so excited to see how they fit!

I was floored. FLOORED. I have seriously been in body size denial. I KNOW what I weigh. I DO look in the mirror. I KNOW I gained some weight back. But... but...

I started with the jeans. I tried on the 14's first and was quickly shocked that I could not even get them buttoned. I mean, I had a good 2 inches before they would have buttoned! They were super tight. There was no way. I peeled them off and set them aside along with the 12's that I would not even torture myself trying on. All that was left was those 16's. And you know what? They were tight. TIGHT. As in, I looked very fat in them. And you can be sure I looked. I took it all in, in those triple mirrors and blaring lighting that hides nothing. In a very small dressing room where I could not get far from the mirrors. In the store, all by myself, I was whispering "I cannot believe this, this cannot be real, how could this be, oh my gosh..." and putting my face in my hands. Yes, I was distressed. It was SHOCKING. I mean really shocking because the image I have of myself in my head is NOTHING like what I saw in those mirrors today. The bulges, the rolls that were simply NOT THERE a few months ago. The size 16's, skin tight. The pretty blouse I tried on with them that accentuated every bump and lump. Yes, lump. I had CURVES before and now I have lumps and I am NOT being mean... if I had the guts to post pictures you'd see. I was embarrassed, upset, smacked back into reality.

I took off the jeans. I looked at the pile of dresses I'd brought to try on. I knew this was not going to go as I had planned. I picked out a cute 14, slid it over my head. I looked from every angle. Not even Spanx could fix this. There was no way. I almost couldn't get that dress back off it was so tight. All that was left was that size 16 dress. I put it on. It fit nicely. The bumps were there but Spanx-able, I think. I took it off and bought it, along with those size 16 jeans. At least I have something to wear.

I wish I could express how this whole thing felt to me. When I first looked in the mirror and saw, *really saw*, I felt like I must be asleep and having a nightmare. It was always a nightmare when I was 175 pounds. It was a terrible fear that I could gain it back. I looked in the mirror today and saw my nightmare coming true. It was *not* self-hate. This is *not* self-loathing. It is seeing my body as it really is right now, as it has changed from 175 pounds to back over 200... and it was very dramatic to me.

In fact, just as I was writing this I decided that I *will* take pictures of myself in those jeans. In that dress. They are not horrible. I can make them work. But I am going to take the pictures and maybe when I have lost the weight again... when I feel less sensitive and embarrassed about it... I can post them and show the difference in them and in my body when I get back to 175.

It was a moment that I won't soon forget. Those images in the mirror are burned into my memory. I *need* to keep working and not let complacency take over.

One other thing. Something else has changed. In  the past, this kind of experience would make me hate myself. Before my blogging days, I had a lot of that. I'd try to lose weight, lose a little, and gain it back. On the rare occasion that I actually saw or realized how large and out of control I had gotten, I'd cry. I'd go into that self loathing mode. I would get angry at myself. I would beat myself up for letting it happen.

Today? I freaked out in the dressing room. I walked out of there, bought my jeans and dress, and came home and got excited about the event I will be attending. I smiled, I laughed, I lived. That experience with the clothes today? It gave me some much needed new insight and even more motivation to take better care of myself. But it didn't shape my day. It didn't ruin my life. It didn't make me sad for more than the ten minutes that I was in front of the mirrors. And THAT is a huge deal to me.

Self awareness is great. If you haven't gone clothes shopping and tried on clothing in a dressing room lately, I highly recommend it for a reality check! I am going to do it more often.

Focus, Obsession and Balance

I look up, and the week has just zoomed by! It is almost Thursday and I haven't blogged since Sunday. Wow.

I remember when I posted every single day... sometimes twice a day. I guess I was so focused on weight loss that it sort of consumed me. And now, I forget. I go for days and, while I do check my email and comments daily, in between I sort of just... live.

In a way I want it to be different. Part of me is *so* used to being diet-obsessed that I wish for that old familiar comfort... like a layer of soft, cozy fat around the middle. Wait... nix the fat. I do not miss it. Or maybe part of me does. I have wondered sometimes if the fat was a security blanket of some kind. I think it was. And so was the dieting. It shielded me from life... from reality. Instead of feeling the pain of a lost loved one, I could obsess over calories and fat grams. The anxiety of having sick children faded to oblivion beneath the graphs and charts and numbers on the scale. Instead of worrying about my relationships, I could worry about my eating habits. Using my brain power to come up with new recipes and calculate nutrition information meant I didn't have to use it to deal with finances or organization. And if I was working out some awesome new weight loss plan in my head, then I had a great excuse not to keep up with the housework! Hey, my health is more important than mopping, right? Weight-centric life is easier.

This is harder. And it is harder not only because I am dealing with all the real-life *stuff* instead of the (mostly detached world of) diet/weight *stuff*, but also because I STILL HAVE WEIGHT TO LOSE. I guess I think it would be easier to just live and forget about all the weight issues if I was thin already (even though maintenance is a lifelong effort). But right now, I almost feel like I am neglecting *weight loss* so I can focus on *living.* But aren't the two intertwined? I think so.

I am still floundering around trying to find that balance. December is the hardest month for me. It's really a bad time to try and focus on ANYTHING. I have joyful days. I have tough stuff going on emotionally. I see myself making a lot of progress in my personal life, but I wonder if it is at the expense of my weight loss. And if so, is it worth it?

Maybe someday I will figure out how to do both. I think I have to. I don't want to focus on one aspect of my life and neglect the other. I want to find a way to lose weight without "giving it my all." Because my "all" belongs in other places. Does that make sense?

Let me get through this month and end up under 200 pounds. Let me have the joy of the season and family while coping with some stress and loss. I finally am understanding the reason so many people gear up for change in January. While I've always said "don't wait," and I still believe that, I, too, see January as a fresh new start. I feel an energy coming in the new year after this dreary winter begins to move towards spring and daylight once again starts to increase rather than decrease. January is a month with no big events. January is a clean slate for everyone. And while I am slowly chipping away towards my goals in December, I think and hope that I can use that January energy to help me find that balance that includes "healthy" AND "living."

What I See

Back when I was losing weight fairly steadily, I used to go to the Farmer's Market every week. I'd go for fresh eggs and vegetables and milk and meat, and every week I looked forward to seeing some of the vendors who were noticing my increasingly slim and fit figure. It was great fun to put on a new, tight shirt and waltz up to the produce stand just to see the vendor's face light up with a grin or sometimes if it had been a few weeks their jaw would literally drop as their eyes darted to my hourglass waist and they'd exclaim, "Wow! You look fantastic!" and they'd gush on about how much I had changed my life. It was really ego building. I cannot tell you how confident I felt.

Those little encounters fueled my desire to keep going. Honestly, most days when I got up and looked in the mirror, I still saw fat. In fact I saw obese. I saw rolls and bulges and was horrified at how I looked. Mentally I felt like a fraud. I wondered if I met some random blog reader and they somehow recognized me if they would be shocked at how huge I really was and say "she looks nothing like her pictures! What a fake!" It made no sense, because I *did* take lots of pictures, I saw them, they looked good (but didn't match what I saw in the mirror) and my clothes were getting smaller. Yet in the mirror I usually saw a very, very fat woman. It was only once in awhile I'd get dressed and look and gasp and say "oh my goodness, I look great!" And the feedback from the Farmer's Market vendors solidified that.

Now I've gained along the order of 30 pounds. Those clothes I wore at 178 pounds do NOT fit. I know I have gained. I see it when I look down at my body. But do you know what I see in the mirror? The same. No change. I see the same "fat" person with the bulges and rolls that I saw when I was 30 pounds lighter. I usually look and do not see ANY difference. THAT is what makes it hard to be grounded in reality of what I weigh and how I truly look. The mirror lies. I am in clothes 2 sizes larger, my belly is huge, but I look in the mirror and see the same thing I saw when I was 178 pounds.

What grounds me... what snaps me back to reality... is, once again, the reactions of other people. I haven't taken a picture of myself in a long time. But yesterday, I went to a store where one of those Farmer's Market vendors works. She is someone I admire. She lost a lot of weight, too. We shared the camaraderie of changing our lives and getting fit and looking awesome. She was one who always gushed.

I was sort of nervous about seeing her yesterday. I saw her talking to another customer, so I went up and waited until she was finished. I sucked in my gut. I stood taller. I raised my chin a little bit in case any double-chin-like fat was showing. I tried to look as skinny as possible. But when she turned and saw me, it was obvious. As friendly and sweet as she was, I saw it, for that few seconds when she first took it in and saw that I was a good 30 pounds heavier than when she last saw me. Her eyes darted down to my (nonexistent) waist and back, quick as a flash. She smiled but her eyes didn't. She was happy to see me. But I saw it. I saw the sadness and the fleeting thought, "oh no, how could she gain so much? How sad, she is gaining. What a shame, she was looking so good..." Of course I imagine the dialogue, but I saw the emotion and I know what people think when they see someone who is a lot fatter than the last time they saw them. The whole thing just sucks.

I come home. I look in the mirror. I can't see it. I look the same.

Only with my clothes off, alone in the tub or the shower, I see what is really going on with my body.

I feel a mix of sadness, shame, and determination. I am letting the determination lead me. At this point I don't really think it matters *what* I do, as long as I don't binge or let myself slip into not caring. I do believe as long as I am working at it, giving it some effort, I will reach my goal of 199 by January 1st. I am focusing on that, and my kids, and the joyful parts of this Christmas season.

I Haven't Escaped

So many times this week I started to write a blog post. So many times I thought "this is more of a blaaaaaaahhhhhg post" and stopped! Really. Things have been stressing me out and I always find December to be a bit difficult emotionally. I've rehashed all that for the past four Christmases on my blog so I will not go over it all again, but this year a few extra things have brought me down. From the minor such as a toe infection that leaves me unable to walk far and a broken tooth that is sore with a temporary crown, to the major such as possibly not having all or even most of my kids with me for Christmas, to the truly devastating such as a friend losing a child, it all combines to put me in a somber mood.

The other day I was signing into my blogger account, typing escapefromobesity and suddenly I thought, "I haven't escaped." And that was a wave of sadness for me. I remember so vividly last year when I *did* finally escape from obesity. I got my BMI down to "overweight" for the first time in over a decade. I was so proud of myself. Escaping obesity was a big deal. It only took a few pounds of gain to put me right back in the "obese" category. And while it's a technicality, I am still fat. I regained too much. I don't fit in my pretty clothes anymore. I lack focus, I struggle, and it makes me sad. I have wondered if the people around me see it. I am sure they do. The compliments and gushing about how great I look have stopped. The questions about how I am doing it have ceased. No one says anything anymore. It makes me sad.

Regain is no fun. It happens. It's hard. I am trying. I work at it. I come up with a new approach or angle or something new I want to try, and yet things get in the way. I decided to exercise more and then I spend a couple of weeks hobbling around with a sore foot. I made a plan of healthy dinners to eat and then my molar broke off and I couldn't chew the foods I had planned. I make accommodations, I adjust. It's life. I just wish it was life out of the "obese" category.

But wishing will not make it so. Action does. I won't lie... I am not feeling motivated AT ALL right now. What I want to do it sit on the couch and sulk and have a pity party for one with all my favorite (soft) foods. What I am doing is adjusting the best I can and trying to get back under 200 by January 1.