Liquid Diet

Just got back from the dentist after several days living with a broken tooth. I now have a temporary crown on it, and will have a permanent crown in 2 weeks. I am still numb and the feeling I am starting to get back tells me I am going to be sore, so another day of mostly liquids is planned.

I've been drinking Medifast shakes, making smoothies from Greek yogurt and baby spinach, and drinking way too much coffee. I've had some milk, too. Right now I am having a sugar free caramel latte. I am tired and drained from the hour + in the dental chair. I do have a (non low carb) dinner planned for the family and if I feel up to solids I may have a serving of that (long grain & wild rice casserole). Hoping I feel up to eating some actual chicken and veggies tomorrow.

Be Careful What You Wish For

I've been struggling to stay completely away from the carby stuff and fatty stuff since Thanksgiving. I wondered what it would take for me to get it together and just stay totally on plan. I wished and prayed and/or asked the Universe to help me get a grip.

Be careful what you wish for.

Yesterday I was going about my business, having a totally on plan day. I enjoyed my Medifast meals and for lunch I made this really awesome low carb turkey tetrazzini dish: 6 ounces of cubed cooked turkey breast, a cup of shredded zucchini "noodles" and a half cup of sliced mushrooms all sauteed in chicken broth with garlic and pepper and 2 wedges of Laughing Cow Light cheese melted in at the end. Mmmmm, yummy. Everything was going fine, until I had some STRESS around 4pm. I was kind of freaking out about some things. And the autopilot answer to stress is... food! I suddenly wanted nothing more than to pack my daughter into the car and race to Dairy Queen for chicken strips and fries and some kind of ice cream. I started having a fit about it. I started looking at the DQ menu online. I was seconds away from asking my daughter if she wanted to go there for dinner. I emailed a friend, took a few deep breaths, and decided to wait it out. It was SO hard. I almost caved. Within 10 minutes the urgency had subsided. I made myself a Medifast brownie with some walnuts added and that hit the spot and I was fine.

Then I noticed something. My freaking tooth was missing a chunk out of it!!!!!!!!!! I almost panicked as I ran my tongue along the back molar and felt a gaping hole where tooth used to be and sharp edges where smooth should be. I have to tell you, tooth issues are my nightmare material, literally. For as long as I can remember I have had nightmares about my teeth falling out. Even as a child I was terrified of the dentist. One of my earlier dental-terror memories is when I was about 7 or 8 years old and my parents took me in for a cleaning. The dentist said I had a cavity to fill. He was gruff and harsh and pulled out a super long needle and a drill and started going at it. IT HURT and I was scared and when he stopped for a minute I clamped my mouth shut and put my hands over my mouth while I looked for a place to run. I cried and cried and no matter how he threatened and how angry he became I would not open my mouth. My parents came in as he shouted, "If you can't get this kid to open her mouth then you're going to have to take her somewhere else!" Thankfully, that's exactly what my parents did... took me to a gentler, kinder dentist. And while I did manage to get my cavity filled, I was always scared to go in for dental work. And I always had nightmares of eating a tuna fish sandwich and suddenly feeling "rocks" in my mouth, only to find they were broken teeth as I spit them into my hands by the mouthful.

Okay, so I digressed. Anyway I hate dental work but even more I hate any sensation that a tooth is breaking off and there may be pieces in my mouth mixed with chewed up food. So you can bet that nothing but liquid has passed my lips since this tooth broke and nothing but liquid will pass my lips until it is fixed. Thanks, God/Universe, for the awesome diet aid.

Dinner tonight will be a lovely on-plan meal of 12 ounces of Greek yogurt thinned with Crystal Light and blended with raw baby spinach in the blender. Awesome, right?

Hopefully I can get this fixed very soon, but for now there is zero chance of me going off plan or eating anything solid. Like I said, be careful what you wish for.

NOT Waiting til January 1st

I really enjoyed reading all the comments on my last post asking about whether you are waiting til New Years or not. I wanted to share my own thoughts as well.

I have a strong inclination over the years to "wait." Wait until tomorrow because today is already screwed, wait until Monday because it is a fresh new week, wait until after that birthday in a couple of weeks or that holiday or that party I am going to because I don't want to get started and then mess up. Wait until January first because I don't want to get on plan and then back off for Christmas cookies or ham or potatoes or fudge. Actually, the honest reason was to wait until January first so I can make 20 kinds of cookies and eat as much as I want and drink lots of eggnog and overeat Christmas dinner and buy lots of those "special" Christmas candies as stocking stuffers and eat half of what I purchased myself. That inclination kept me from losing weight for a decade. That inclination is still there.

I had a great plan for my Thanksgiving meal but things didn't go quite as planned, I never got the mashed cauliflower made and the salad dressing had more sugar in it than I thought and my dinner ended up being over what I'd planned in the carb and calorie area. And the next day the leftovers bugged me and then I started thinking, maybe I should take a "blog break" and wait to "re-start" on January first.

That thought only lasted a few minutes, though. I knew I didn't want to go that route. I knew that "blog break" and "re-start" translated to "go off the deep end and eat anything I want for five weeks and end up 20 pounds heavier on January 1st." I knew it was a counterproductive desire, and I knew I had to tell myself no. I also knew that in the past, waiting is *exactly* what I would have done and probably what a lot of other people do. I always thought it seemed stupid to start a diet or lifestyle change right before a holiday. But you know, it is never stupid to take good care of your body.

The very next day I was back to enjoying my Medifast hot cocoa in the morning. It has been really hard to get it completely back together. I kept trying though. I also kept slipping up and eating things that are not on plan. And when I got on the scale this morning, I was sad.

It has been so hard to get back under 200 pounds. I still am not there. I took a look at my weight loss chart for the last year and it made me get tears in my eyes. I would never get back over 200 pounds. Not after all that work. I would never regain the weight. Not after feeling 'normal' for the first time in 20 years. I would never give up that victory. Yet here I am, still battling to get back under 200.

I am NOT waiting til January first. I am working on my health to the best of my ability today and every single day. Every time I re-lose pounds, it takes longer. The pounds are harder to get off. But I am not going to just keep gaining for 5 weeks. Yes, there are FIVE WEEKS until January first. You can do a lot of good, or a lot of damage in five weeks. Right?

My goal is to get under 200 by January first. If it takes all fives weeks to get there, so be it.

Are You Waiting til January 1st?

So tell me, those of you who are "off plan" right now. Are you going to start again tomorrow, or Monday? Or are you thinking, "there's no use in starting now with all the Christmas baking/parties/meals coming up. May as well wait and start on January 1st."

Really. Tell me. Post anonymously if you like. I think a lot of you know what I mean. And by "off plan" I mean if you are not sticking to whatever eating plan you are using to lose weight, whether it be calorie counting, eating clean, low carb, Weight Watchers, whatever. Thanksgiving is one of those tough days for many of us to stick to our guns and turn down whatever foods or portions we have deemed not beneficial to weight loss. I know some folks just eat whatever they want within reason that day. And some incorporate it into their "lifestyle change." But I am talking to those of you who want to lose weight, want to follow a certain plan to get there, but find yourself not doing it right now... whether it be because you ate too much at Thanksgiving or because you just slipped up and had a bunch of cookies last week. So today, right now, you are not eating the way you think you should to reach your goals.

What are you going to do? Wait until New Years and then jump in with both feet? Or do it right now and power through the holidays? Do you think you will weigh more on January 1st than you do today? Or less?

Memories, and A Low Carb Thanksgiving

What's on your plate for Thanksgiving?

I am roasting the usual turkey. I adore the smell of it. It brings me great happiness. I may have told this little story before. When I was a little girl, my mother used to take me out preaching and selling religious magazines on the weekends and on holidays. I spent a lot of my childhood in conservative dresses, walking up and down city streets with a Bible in my hand and a few nickles in my pocket that people gave me for my magazines. Of course, I used the nickels to buy more magazines to sell, but that was beside the point. We had lives to save.

I remember how on Thanksgiving morning we would be out bright and early in the crisp fall air, walking from house to house knocking on doors trying to find those receptive to The Truth. The entire block would smell like pies and casseroles and sweet potatoes and rolls. And whenever we knocked, children or their mothers would race to the door, flinging it open, smiling widely, expecting to see their relatives arriving. Their smiles would fade to a perplexed look as I introduced myself and, in my little 6, 7, 8, or 9-year old voice, offered to read them a Bible verse and asked if they wouldn't like to buy a magazine for a nickel. Every time, the warm smell of roasting turkey would waft out the door as I spoke, making my stomach growl and leading me to ask my mother for roast turkey after the doors were shut or slammed with a "we're not interested." My mother always said no, because "that would be celebrating." I always spent Thanksgiving afternoon and evening alone in my room, wishing our house smelled like roasting turkey.

And now it does. It gives me a real rush when the first scent of browning turkey skin escapes the oven. I get almost giddy that MY HOUSE smells like that. I swear, the smell makes me happier than all the food at the dinner table! It just feels like a dream come true, every single year.

I always make the same things for Thanksgiving dinner: creamy mashed potatoes, stuffing, candied yams, green bean casserole, corn, pies, apple salad, dinner rolls. You can find all my usual recipes in this post from 2007: Thanksgiving Recipes. This year, I am adding a mixed green salad with sliced almonds, dried cranberries and feta cheese. As you can guess, I won't be eating the carbier stuff. But you can have a nice, low carb Thanksgiving dinner by sticking with turkey, mashed cauliflower, salad, and green bean casserole (which is not strictly low carb but is reasonable in small portions.)

I hope each of you has a happy Thanksgiving. May we all try to remember all the reasons we have to be thankful.

How I Feel

I need to rediscover some joy in my life.

As the last month has gone by, my 'joyfulness' level has gotten lower and lower. The things I used to enjoy and use as stress relief are no longer available to me; weather and sick kids have limited my ability to go do things I love. And even the simple pleasures, like watching my little girl dance in her classes, have been few and far between as she has been too sick to go or too tired to participate. I miss taking my dog to her classes, too, as many have been cancelled due to weather or I had to be home with a sick child.

I do have moments that are great; playing in the snow or (when the snow melted) raking leaves are things I love. But I find myself feeling trapped in the house and stressed and turning to my old friend Food for comfort. I am the caretaker of all; but who takes care of me? I find myself longing to be cared for, comforted by a human, told just once "don't worry about a thing, I will take care of everything for you today. What do you need?" I feel the SAD creeping in and know I am not regular enough with my light box. And then I feel guilty for feeling blah when I do have so many blessings in my life. I want to be cheery and grateful, especially in this season of thanksgiving, but even with the *knowledge* in my brain that I have a lot going for me, the *emotion* of feeling forlorn and sad is there. I am convinced that a lot of people feel this way, especially around the holidays, but are afraid to express it because they don't want to sound whiny or full of self pity. But it's not that. It's real emotions and one thing I have learned on this journey is to express my feelings. Let them out. Don't stuff them down. So there it is, this is how I feel.

I am going to be more diligent with the light box and taking my supplements and try to actively focus on things I *can* do with my kids, my dog, and just by myself to feel more joyful. I might try some new supplements, and if I am not feeling better in a couple of weeks I am going in for bloodwork to rule out any physical problem that could be making this harder for me.

Thank you for listening and for being there through all of my ups and downs. I feel better knowing that there are people out there who DO actually care about me and your good thoughts, kind words and prayers lift me up in the hard times.

What's Up

Sometimes things are just not going right, so I debate whether to post. I am not talking diet, here. But I know a lot of people care, so here's what's new:

I let the laundry go for several days. Maybe five days. I knew Saturday HAD to be laundry day because my daughter and I were out of things to wear, our sheets needed changed, and we had no clean towels. So I threw in a load, and... the dryer died. Spent a good part of Saturday morning finding someone who could and would come out and fix it without charging an arm and a leg. By 3pm, it was fixed and I spent the rest of the day and into Sunday washing clothes, towels, and sheets.

You may recall my little girl was pretty sick and missed a lot of school. Went to the doctor three times. Got antibiotics twice and a misdiagnosis twice. When the doctor starts doing things that risk your child's health, it is time for a new doctor. So I spent a couple days calling, searching, finding a doctor I trust and who takes our insurance. Got that all switched, then had to deal with medical records stuff. And finally my daughter *seems* to be 90% better. If she gets sick again after she stops antibiotics, we will see another specialist.

My senior dog is losing his mind. Enough said.

I've also spent time volunteering in my daughter's class, taking my dog tracking, doing obedience and agility foundation work with her, going to birthday parties and taking presents to kids whose birthdays we missed while sick, calling and reconnecting with family, raking leaves, watching my daughter dance, trying to plan a low carb Thanksgiving, cooking, walking, and playing in the snow.

My weight varies from 202-204. I hate that it is taking so long to get back under 200 but this is quite motivating to me NOT to let it get this of of control again. Oh, and this little gem. Today, for the first time in about 4 years, someone I barely know (a very nice lady slightly older than I am) offered to give me her clothes that are too big for her. Um. Yeah. Not what I wanted to hear, especially since she was no waif herself. Makes me take a long hard look in the mirror because I guess "people" see me as big. That sucks.

That's all for now.

Lumps and Bumps

I am in a pretty good mood today. My little girl is finally getting better (again), I don't have anywhere to be today, and I am enjoying a relaxing day at home doing a bunch of laundry and vegging out a bit.

I got up this morning and had basically nothing to wear. I mentioned this before; I have a lot of clothes that fit but are uncomfortably snug, so I don't wear them. I have one pair of jeans that fit, a few shirts and sweaters, and the rest are not loose enough for me to feel good in. Today I looked in the mirror and said, this is ridiculous. I cannot believe how huge a difference 20 pounds makes in how I look and feel. It is night and day. It is the difference between looking and feeling "normal" and looking and feeling obese. I was so confident even at 180.

Right now everything is in the laundry and I am wearing clothes that I would not be caught dead in outside the house. They show every lump and bump. I can't wait to get into something else as soon as the dryer stops. At 180 pounds, I really didn't have a lot of lumps or bumps. Amazing.

Well, the good news is I am still working at it, staying on plan and feeling better. I will get there. And that makes me feel better.

On the menu for today: probably some kind of soup or stew. It's cold outside!
Might blog again later. Going to enjoy some hot cocoa now!

Medifast Giveaway Winners

The five winners of my Medifast Giveaway are girlsmama, Myungsunkim22, Belle, Anonymous (loriszoo), and Okiebelle. I've sent an email to each winner; please contact me within one week or a replacement winner will be chosen. Congratulations to you guys. I wish I could give a prize to everyone who entered! I hope all of you find success on your journeys.

Just Say No... to Cheese

Today is day 6 back on Medifast, and I've gone from 209 back down to 203 as of this morning. I have to admit that while I am proud of myself for getting back in control, it is also disheartening to see those relatively big numbers and know they represent a *loss.* It is one thing to be eating too much and see 203 and be distraught and use it to fuel yourself into a change; it is a whole 'nother ballgame to see 203 and know you are "supposed" to feel happy you lost weight, when in reality you feel really bad about being in the 200's again. Ah well, part of the journey I guess. Hopefully I will be back out of those 200's next week never to return. I know there will probably be regains again in my future, but I need to get a lot farther down the scale before that happens to that even if I gain ten pounds I am still under 180. Or 170. Or something.

Yesterday was interesting because I forgot to eat a meal. I had to make it up later in the day, but you know, I am not one to forget to eat! I know I must be in mild ketosis now with my carbs staying under 100g/day for 5 days in a row. That's what helps get rid of the hunger and the food obsession. It works. And I will say that days 1-3 were hell. I feel like I have finally dragged myself out of that hellhole I was in with the sugar cravings, the food thoughts, the constant headaches with nausea and have come out the other side. It was painful to get here and I never, ever want to go through it again. No cookie or cake or candy bar is worth that. Now I find my mind freeing up to think about other things. My energy is back. I am out of the sugar fog. It feels great.

Now that sugar looks like poison to me (and I hope it stays that way!), the "issue" I have low carbing is making myself stick with the allowed portions of any given food. I normally weigh out my 5 ounces of beef or 6 ounces of chicken or 7 ounces of fish, I measure my olive oil and my vegetables and my condiments. But on days that I am hungrier or just FEEL like eating, in the past the problem has been mainly one food: cheese. I think, "oh, cheese has little to no carbs. It has protein. It won't throw me out of ketosis. It's allowed on Atkins! I can have that and be okay!" I cut a slice of cheddar or grab a piece of American and eat it. And then I want more. I have always loved cheese and it is hard for me to quit. The problem is, on Medifast full-fat cheese is not allowed. I *can* have low fat cheese (a measured portion) for my Lean, and sometimes I do. And I am okay with that. It's when I start giving myself permission with excuses to eat EXTRA cheese or full-fat cheese that I get into trouble. Because while it is true that even an extra 5 ounces of cheese won't throw me out of ketosis, it still has a lot of fat and calories and I will not lose weight eating like that. Plus, it seems that cheese is a "gateway drug" for me. If I let myself have one slice, I want more. But I also want something to go with it, or after it, like green olives, or slices of ham, summer sausage, turkey pepperoni, etc etc. And again I can rationalize eating those non-carby things because I won't go over my carb limit for the day, but calories also count. And once I indulge in the cheese and meats and olives and suddenly realize I have eaten 2000 calories for the day, I get frustrated and annoyed and go buy a bag of potato chips.

So my next step in building healthy habits it to just say no to cheese. Silly, yes. Serious, also yes. My new rule is, if I want cheese I can have it, but ONLY as my Lean portion, low fat and measured. I can have my cauliflower pizza or my cauliflower mac and cheese for dinner. Fine. But I CANNOT just grab a slice and call it an optional snack, because it isn't. I can't just have a slice when I get hungry. No longer an option. I have learned to know my triggers, and if I can get this under control it will go a long way in helping me stay on plan for the long haul.

What about you? Do you have a 'gateway drug' food?

Easy Dinners on a Busy Day

On plan! Feeling good, and my little girl is better too. So, what's for dinner today?

I felt like having my yummy cabbage soup, but after a very long day running errands, shopping, going to a conference, and taking my girl to dance class, I came home famished with no desire to chop cabbage and brown raw beef. So I improvised.

1 cup chicken broth
1 cup raw bagged coleslaw mix (shredded cabbage)
1/4 cup of drained Rotel tomatoes that were in the fridge leftover from another recipe
2 Tbsp low carb pizza sauce that was in a jar in the fridge
garlic powder, onion powder, black pepper, Worcestershire sauce
Bring to a boil, simmer 20 minutes, and eat!

It was fast and easy, required no chopping or meat-browning, and very satisfying.

If you keep prepped things on hand, you can throw together a healthy, low carb dinner in an instant! That's why I have my fridge stocked with chopped lettuce, hard boiled eggs, steamed vegetables, chicken broth and keep the freezer stocked with pre-measured, single serving baggies of browned meat and cubed cooked chicken breast. If you have these things you can make a fast dinner when you're tired:

throw some broccoli and chicken breast chunks in a pot with broth, heat and season to taste
put some cooked meat over a salad
dump a can of tuna into a bowl of cole slaw mix and add light mayo and seasonings (a favorite of mine)
mix some chopped boiled eggs with cooked cold cauliflower for a fake "potato" salad

Endless possibilities!

My soup warmed my bones and was so comforting. Another successful day. Hope yours was, too!

Feeling Better!

I am feeling SO much better today! My day didn't start out so great; I got very little sleep, woke up early to a sick child (AGAIN) and my old dog losing control of his bowels. That set me up for a minor headache. But after a trip to the pediatrician (we are waiting for test results now) I came home and noticed that not only is the headache gone, but my energy has returned, the cravings have subsided, and I feel really good! I am so glad. I was miserable last week and in a lot of physical pain (inflammation from the sugar, I think).

Today is Day 4 back on Medifast. I've actually been enjoying the dinners I have made: a couple days of taco salad (lean taco meat over a green salad of Romaine, spinach, salsa, and light Ranch) and a couple days of chicken breast (once in a salad, once with steamed broccoli in a light cheesy sauce). I think I'll make cabbage soup tomorrow, have devilled eggs another day this week, and tuna over cole slow another day.

Not much else to report. Hope you are all moving towards your goals. Never give up!

New Medifast Food Reviews (with Pictures) & Giveaway!

Today, Medifast came out with three new foods! Each of these foods is one meal replacement (on this plan, you eat any five meal replacements per day, plus a meal consisting of protein, vegetables, and healthy fat). Medifast sent them to me ahead of time so I could try them and review them. There's also a giveaway at the end of this post in case you'd like to try them. So, here goes!

First, we have Hearty Vegetarian Sloppy Joe. This is a nice, warming meal for fall and winter. Like most other Medifast meals, it comes in a packet and you add water and then cook it in the microwave or on the stovetop. Since the box shows it in a mug, I decided to try cooking it in a small coffee mug.

Don't.

Follow the directions on the box and use a deep microwave container to avoid a biiiig mess! Anyway, once it was cooked I went ahead and spooned it into a mug to show the amount you get:

Looks like a  pretty small amount, and it is. This mug holds 8-10 ounces of water, so I am guessing this makes about 5 ounces of sloppy joe. But you know what? It is really tasty. I liked it a lot. It has a nice intense flavor, is made from soy protein (thus being vegetarian) and has little bits of onion and bell pepper in it. If you were really hungry, you might want to add some vegetables (subtracted from your Green portion), which is what I did. Here it is with 1/2 cup of sauteed peppers and tomatoes added:



Much more substantial! You could also wrap your sloppy joe in lettuce leaves to eat it as "tacos" or "wraps". It is very good, I like the texture and enjoy this very much. I like to add a teaspoon of vinegar to it to give it a little kick. Thumbs up on this one.

Next: Orange Blend naturally flavored fruit drink. This one makes me happy because its protein is derived from whey protein isolate and dried egg whites, not soy. (It does contain traces of soy in the form of soy lecithin). It's a powder you mix with water to make a drinkable meal with 90 calories, 12 g of protein, 12 g of carbs, and 4 g of fiber. The directions say to mix it in a glass, but mine didn't dissolve well using that method. So I stuck it in the mini blender instead with a couple of small ice cubes:

This drink is very similar to the Cranberry Mango Drink Medifast makes, in that it is sort of light and milky in color (not the bright orange you see on the box!) but has a tangier, orangey flavor that is bright and sunshiney. I love the taste, which is reminiscent of Tang but not as sweet. I have never found the Medifast cold drinks to be especially filling, but they are wonderful on those not-so-hungry days or when you are sick. The Tropical Punch was my choice often when I had the flu... very soothing to the throat and easy on the stomach and a good way to get that protein and nutrition in. I like this Orange drink even better than the Cran Mango or the Punch. Thumbs up!

Finally, the much awaited Chocolate Chip Soft Bake. This is a chocolate chip cookie you bake or microwave in a little tray, just like the Medifast Brownie. You mix the powder with 2 Tbsp of water to make a dough and press it down in the tray (using a wet finger makes this SO much easier). This cookie has a completely different texture than the brownie, though. It is somewhat chewy and seems to get chewier when cooked longer, and is softer when cooked a shorter time:

It's actually quite good. Maybe even better than the brownie. They did a good job with this one, I think. Not too sweet, doesn't cause cravings. You can eat it warm or let it cool (I think it is better cooled) or you can just eat the cookie dough without baking it. It is soy protein based and is a little higher on the carb side (15 g) but I think it makes a nice ending to a successful day. Thumbs up on this one too.

Would you like to try these new Medifast foods? Whether you are already on Medifast or are thinking about trying it, you can enter my giveaway to win one box of EACH of the three new Medifast foods! Each box contains 7 meals for 21 meals total. There will be FIVE winners chosen from the comments on this post. Anyone age 18 and older in the US can enter (sorry non-US-ers, Medifast's rules), but I would really like to see someone win this who really wants to use it to change their life and get healthier. Three winners will be chosen at random (using random.org's random number generator) and then two winners will be chosen by me (based on the comment you leave). To enter please leave ONE comment on this post (any additional comments by the same person will be deleted). Tell me why you would like to win! Be sure and leave me some way to contact you via your blog or email. Any comments containing spam or linking to commercial websites will be deleted. Winners will be chosen on Friday November 18th before 6pm and will be posted by the following day. Good luck!

*FTC-required disclosure: Medifast provided me with the reviewed products for free. They also are providing all of the Medifast meals for this giveaway.*

Getting There

Yesterday was another day working on getting my carb/sugar intake under control. My goal is to stay under 100 g carbs; I did manage that yesterday although my calories were higher than usual (1620 calories, 88 g carbs). I had extra protein and fat yesterday to quell my hunger and that worked out fine. Dinner was shredded chicken breast mixed with light Ranch and hot sauce over a green salad. Today I will have chicken breast again, maybe with cooked vegetables. I roasted a pan of chicken breasts the other day to give me an easy protein source for a few days. I also have hard boiled eggs and light string cheese in the fridge.

My headache is very mild right now, so I am hopeful it will be gone in a few days. I was on my feet a lot today because I felt better and had more energy. I vacuumed, mopped, did basic cleaning, walked about 2 miles with my dog, and wandered around the playground with my daughter for awhile. I am actually a little sore in the joints from the activity, but it feels good to get moving again. I raked part of the yard yesterday, too.

I've been thinking once again about how my weight loss has not been a straight shot down. I lost a bunch of weight, stalled between 214-230 for almost 2 years, then got down to 175, and then bounced around mostly in the 180's this past year with a high of 209. I wonder if my body and mind just need time to adjust and recoup after each big loss. I hope so; if I think of the stall times as productive, it helps me stick with it and not give up. Every day I am learning, and I think I am more likely to keep the weight off this way. Sure, I'd rather just lose it and be done, but that's not what's happened. I choose to make the best of it. I figure if I keep trying, eventually things will come together again and I will get back to 175 and continue on down the scale again.

What about you? How are you doing with your weight/health journey? I love taking the time to read other blogs, but it's hard for me to stay caught up. I'd love for you to leave a little update in the comments telling me how you are doing! We're all in this together.

Sunday Ruminations

I made it through yesterday okay. I am not sure why, but every time I eat sugary junk after having been low carbing for awhile, it is harder to withdraw from sugar again. Every time the headaches are worse, and I feel worse. It was bad enough yesterday that I considered going to the doctor, but this morning things are better. Not completely better, but better enough. I had a migraine with nausea all day yesterday and into the night, even with pain medicine. This morning, I ate my breakfast and the headache faded. I didn't even take anything for it, and it is very mild and tolerable right now. I do not want to feel that icky again. In fact last night I found an orphaned candy bar from Halloween in the cabinet, but the knowledge that eating it would literally *pain* me made it about as appealing as a bowlful of worms.

I weighed this morning after not weighing for several days. I was taken aback to see 209 pounds again. I'd gotten down to 202 but once again ate sugary stuff and in just a few days managed to bloat back to 209. Hopefully that water will drop off as quickly as it came on. It's still frustrating.

Last night we had tacos for dinner. That's a good meal for everyone at my house. The big strapping teenage boys pile the lean ground beef/turkey mixture onto their Carb Balance tortillas with refried beans and cheese and salsa and lettuce; the little one who has issues with eating (most) meat enjoys her tortilla with lots of beans and cheese, and I put my 5 ounces of taco meat over a big salad of Romaine, baby spinach, tomatoes, and salsa with light Ranch dressing. Everyone's happy.

I am still doing Medifast because it is the simplest way I know to stabilize my blood sugar. Yes, I could (and will, in time) create meals from whole foods to do this, but that has not worked very well for me in the recent past. I have a hard time with the "figuring out what to eat" part of that puzzle. Right now my goal is to get a grip, get off sugar, stay on plan, get to the Transition program and THAT will help me figure out the whole foods maintenance part. Medifast is coming out with some new foods soon, and there will be a Medifast giveaway on my blog this week. So if you have been thinking about trying it, or if you are already on it, you might like to enter the giveaway once it's posted.

My clothes fit but are too tight. Not ALL of them, but many. My arms are too big for my sleeves. I can wear the long sleeved shirts but they are so, so snug that it is binding and uncomfortable. I have been wearing tee shirts with a light jacket over them to stay warm. All the extra fat has obviously gone to my arms and waist. I am *very* glad I am aware of that, though. It might sound silly, but there was a time when I would try on a shirt and if it was too tight I'd just shove it in a box somewhere and get out a bigger shirt. I didn't want to acknowledge my weight gain. That's how I gained 80 pounds in less than a year. This time, I lay the tight shirt out where I have to see it and think about it every day, and I don't get out any bigger shirts because I don't have any. I literally cannot afford to get any bigger. It's better this way. Just another motivation to stay on plan.

That's all for now. Enjoy your day!

*FTC-required disclosure: Medifast provided me with its products for my personal use for free. I am not paid or compensated in any other way for mentioning their products. Medifast states an "average weight loss of up to 2 to 5 pounds a week."*

When Food Interferes with Life

I'm doing it. I'm fighting that sugar battle again, hopefully for the last time.

I totally understand now why people quit blogging. It is a bit embarrassing and frustrating to be fighting the same battle over and over, making public one's struggle with such a seemingly simple issue. It makes us vulnerable. It feels a little ridiculous to be posting again and again about the same battle with something as silly as a candy bar. But I am convinced it is more common than we think. I know others have the same fight. I know it is easier to just give up. But I am not giving up, I am not going to hide just because someone else might think my battle is silly or that I am weak. I am being strong and not giving up for myself and my children. And I know within a few weeks this *big* issue will shrink back down to its true size. It is a tiny thing in the grand scheme of life but is magnified right now. That's because food, addiction, and obsession can get in the way of life.

That's what happens with an alcoholic, or a gambler, or a sex addict, or an Internet addict. Maybe all those things are fine in moderation for most people. A glass of wine, a lottery ticket or night with the slot machines, a sexual experience, some time online or a slice of cheesecake can be a fun, healthy part of life for many people. But for others, *any* of those things can become addictive. And when any of those things begin to interfere with *life,* you know it is a problem. When the gambling or the drinking or the eating starts eclipsing the important things in your life, it is time to stop. If your spouse or children or job or health is suffering... if the housework remains undone or the finances are going south or you are not finding joy in everyday activities anymore because of the growing time spent on those things, that is when you can be sure it is a bigger problem and you have got to do something to break the addiction.

Today I have had two cups of coffee with sugar free creamer, Medifast pancakes, a Medifast shake, and Medifast chili with a half cup of tomatoes added. I will have two more Medifast meals and for dinner will have either taco salad or taco soup, depending on my mood (using the lean taco meat the kids are having in their tacos). I have a migraine with nausea and am taking Excedrin and just trying to get through the pain today of sugar withdrawal. I feel so much better when my blood sugar is stable, when I eat every 2-3 hours, low carb, high protein. I know if I stick this out I will feel so much better in a few days.

Sugar Addict

I have been suffering a hellish headache for days now. I was trying to avoid sugar today to get the headache to go away, but instead ended up *eating* sugar to get relief. A vicious cycle, I tell you.

I found this article interesting: Are Low Blood Sugar Levels Giving You Headaches? In part, it says:

"Whenever we feast on cookies, soda, candies and other high-sugar content foods, our blood glucose level will increase sharply within a short time. This sends the pancreas into a frantic mode as it tries to lower our blood sugar to decent level by releasing large amounts of insulin. The flash flood of insulin will in turn drive the blood sugar level down as quickly as it has climbed. The dramatic increase and fall in sugar level can have a number of possible side effects, one of which is headache or migraine attack. When our blood sugar level swings wildly, it can adversely affect the regulation of other hormones such as adrenaline. As the level of adrenaline affects the contraction of blood vessels, a sudden drop in blood sugars may cause the arteries in the head to spasm in people who are susceptible. This is then felt as pain we know as headache....  It can also cause irritability, anxiety, shakiness, confusion and heart palpitations, symptoms that resemble that of anxiety attack."

Great.

So between the huge cut in caffeine I took this week, the reduction in artificial sweeteners, and the unwise ingestion of some sweets, I did a real number on myself. And the headaches I get come with nausea sometimes, too. Just lovely.

Any sane person would read this and say JUST STOP EATING SUGAR ALREADY! And they'd be right. But if it were that easy I would have just stopped eating sugar a long time ago.

I know I am addicted to certain foods, sugar being one of them. I understand in a sense how the alcoholic must feel as they yearn for a drink. My body craves that stuff (sugar, not booze). My cells cry out for it. And yet they also cry out for relief. Eating sugar *feels* self-destructive. I don't like it one bit. I am battling to get away from it yet again. The only thing different this time is that I am not trying to get away from it *for weight loss* while at the same time counting the days until I can have it again. I have had enough. I don't want it anymore. My brain gets it. You were right, you people who said I needed to stay away from it completely. There really is no moderation in this thing. I want to be free. I am tired of feeling sick.

Sugar addiction is real. I hate it. I was looking around online reading some articles about it and came across a concise page I wanted to share with you. It is written by the author of a book touted on the site; I have not read the book, but found this article helpful and thought those of you who also struggle with this might also get something out of it: 10 Steps to Control Sugar Cravings.

Anyway, that's where I am, and I find it disheartening that I can go for weeks or months without sugar and do just fine but ONE cookie or mini candy bar or whatever is enough to send me right back to an ugly place where headaches, fatigue, joint pain, nausea, lack of sleep, and bloating reign. One donut and I go from being relatively free of food issues to fighting for my life to get away from sugar again. I hate that society revolves around sugary crap. My daughter used to have a SLIVER of cake on a birthday, an occasional very small ice cream cone (like 3x a year) and even around holidays her most sugary indulgence was 5 M&M's or one small cookie in a day. Now that she started school, it is nothing to walk into the classroom and see kids eating giant sugar cookies covered in frosting and heaped with candies at 9:30 am, followed by lollipops and Tootsie Rolls someone hands out. They get high fructose corn syrup "fruit snacks" for their midday treat, and every kid in the class brings frosted bakery cupcakes on their birthday. Every holiday and season has a party complete with cookies and candy and cakes. WHY? My child is overwhelmed with sugary crap at every turn. At least she has the sense to ask for a baggie to bring (most of) her cookie home along with all the candy she is given, because she knows it is not good to eat SO MUCH sugar. And then she goes to dance class and gets a candy or a donut or a cookie... not every time, but sometimes. Or, better yet, a coupon for McDonalds. (She has a hard time hiding her disgust at that little paper with the golden arches on it). Why? I just don't understand. All I can do is educate my kids... and yes, go in and discuss it with the principal and teacher and TRY to get the to make even small changes (perhaps whole grain crackers instead of "fruit" snacks?)

Well that turned into a bit of a rant. I feel HORRIBLE. I really do. I guess back when I used to binge on sugary stuff my body was used to it. I remember eating 5 candy bars at once sometimes with no changes in how I felt physically. Or a whole package of cookies. Now if I eat ONE serving of sugary crap I feel all out of sorts, nauseous, and the headache lasts all day and then some. I am glad my body isn't used to it anymore. Before, I'd eat all that junk and think, "hmmm, this can't be good for me, I wonder if I am killing myself with food?" Now, my body leaves no doubt that it is NOT happy with what I put into it. I get very clear messages from my body as to whether I am eating correctly for *it* or not.

I want this to be the last time I get off sugar. I really want it. I do not know if I am strong enough, but I am going to try. I am asking for your support. This is really hard for me. I thought I won when I got to 175 pounds. But I didn't win. I was only partway to victory. I didn't really understand what I needed to do. And I have a feeling this is going to be the battle of a lifetime.

Ramblings

There's no school today, so I am spending some fun time with my daughter. She is still getting over her sinus infection but feeling well enough to be out and about. She just tires more easily, so I keep the outings short.

I am back in that place where I went off plan for a meal, ate some sugar, and am suffering the resultant joint pain and headaches. You know, maybe I am a hard head, but I think I am *finally* in a place where I can say "this just sucks and is not worth it anymore, and I can truly see giving up sugar for the rest of my life. I value my health more than that temporary sweet fix." I have thought it before but my heart wasn't in it. I was mourning the "loss" of sugary goodies, but at this point, I am so over it. The pain is not worth it at all. Sugar just affects me too negatively. I may have a square of extra dark chocolate once in awhile (later, in maintenance) but the rest of it? No thanks.

New motivation: There was this really pretty suede winter coat in a catalog. I've been wanting a coat like that for some time. I thought about buying it but wasn't sure what size to get, plus it was $100. Well, last week it went on sale, more than half off, so I went ahead and ordered it in a Medium. It came 2 days ago. I tried it on. It fits *except* it is about one inch away from buttoning! I won't wear it until it can button; it reminds me of those days when the only winter coat I had, a 3X, was too tight to zip, and I walked around with it hanging open, freezing all winter. Not doing that again! I think if I lost 15 pounds it would fit perfectly. Hopefully I can get that done before winter's over.

That's all for now. Catch you later.

Brief Update

I just wanted to post a short update since it has been several days since I blogged. I have a headache, so this will be kinda brief.

This week has been insanely busy. I don't have my head in the game. I feel distracted and unfocused a lot of the time and have been trying to make some kind of a longer-term "game plan" for my life (quite the task) while staying on top of things I need to do NOW. I am hovering between 202 and 205 pounds depending on the day, walking and being active but STILL have not gotten on the bike:

How embarrassing. This room has become the storage/junk room where I toss everything when I am cleaning the rest of the house. I went in there to shove the stuff aside and get on the bike and there is just nowhere to shove it. I have to get control of this room so I can GET to the bike. See the nice weight machine in the back? I've had that for more than a decade. Yeah, I need to fix this... and STOP tossing stuff in there to keep the rest of the house nice.

Let's see, what else? My little girl is "better" on the antibiotic she is taking, but she is so tired and the time change really did not help. Neither of us is getting enough sleep, and the pup forgot to turn her clock back and is now waking us up by 6am (and has no regard for weekends!) Leaves are falling and we will do plenty of raking this weekend.

I have a blog post in my head but don't have the time to get it out right now; maybe later today or tomorrow. Thank you for checking on me and caring. It means a lot to me.

Week in Review

Today's weigh in: 203 pounds. Not thrilled with that. I know why the slight jump, though, even though I was on plan with Medifast all week until Saturday. I was out yesterday for a couple of hours and while I did bring a Medifast bar, I left it in my car. We were at an 'event' that lasted half the day and I made the best of it. At my first scheduled eating time I had lunch with my daughter. There were almost no healthy options: french fries, BBQ pork, hot dogs, nachos, big fat pretzels. I chose a cheeseburger with no bun and counted that as my "Lean" portion for the day (it was just meat and cheese, a bit of tomato and lettuce and mustard). I drank water. A while later when it was time for another Medifast meal I had a sugar free, nonfat, small latte. Not at all equivalent to a Medifast meal, but I had read somewhere that a glass of skim milk was about right in the protein/carbs/calories department so that is what was in the latte and I figured it was an okay choice. My "Green" portion is what sucked the most, as there were no veggies to be found so I had a green apple. The "Green" is supposed to provide under 15g carbs; a medium green apple has about 19g. So that's that, and I am happy (that I did not even eat one French fry or donut or other carby thing available) and not so happy (that I did not plan better and bring more food with me and didn't lose weight).

Today I had my Lean for breakfast (eggs over easy) and will chop up my Green (1.5 cups of veggies) and add them to my Medifast chicken soup for dinner. I feel good, my daughter is better now that she is on antibiotics, and I have succeeded in cutting way back on my caffeine this week. Most days I had two servings of caffeine, and the most I had in one day was three. This is much better than the 6 or so per day I was having before. I want to make 2 my max for this week, and try to just have one caffeine serving a day from now on. I did have some nasty caffeine withdrawal headaches. I also just used my last packet of Splenda and won't be purchasing any more.

I am actually itching to start exercising more. Trying to figure out the logistics... I always seem to make it a bigger deal than it is, but to me the hurdles seem very real. I am already walking more, but want to get back on the bike to get my heart rate up. My bike is covered in junk right now in the exercise room and there is barely room to walk in there, so perhaps step one will be to declutter that room. And then to set up a time to exercise. I am kind of excited about it. I think it will help rev up my metabolism and get me better losses. So that is my goal for this week.

That's all for now. Enjoy your weekend!

I Hate Diets (and "Lifestyle Changes")

I hate being on a diet. I mostly hate *starting* a diet, no matter how many starts I have. And you can preach until the cows come home about "lifestyle change"; I hate that too. Really. Now, don't get me wrong. I don't hate the changes once they are made, usually. Once I get into the habit of eating more veggies, drinking more water, exercising, etc, it does get easier and I even sort of enjoy it. But let's be real here. I actually would prefer to continue on with eating what I want, when I want to. I think I will always prefer a plate of gooey, cheesy lasagna with crispy buttery garlic bread over a salad with grilled chicken or even a cauliflower pizza. I hear people say that once they changed their lifestyle, they began to prefer fresh fruit over a candy bar. That ain't me. Oh, I do love fresh fruit. I really do. But I mean, I was raised eating chocolate ice cream for breakfast. I grew up eating candy and cookies and potato chips. And that's the stuff I prefer, all other things being equal. So I hate being on a diet, or making a "lifestyle change," because there is no way I can do that and keep eating bags of chips and cookies. And no, baked kale or flax zucchini cookies are NOT the same, and putting 2 Oreos or 15 chips on a plate and savoring them is NOT the same. Frankly, a lot of the time I *miss* the old ways of just grabbing whatever sounds yummy and eating however much I feel like eating. It's habit, nothing more.

That is what makes this whole thing difficult. The inner brat just wants her yummies. And I have to tell her no. I have to be the grown-up here and tell her those things are not healthy, physically or emotionally. I have to make changes for my HEALTH. Because while I miss the junk food and fast food and all-American apple pies, I *do not miss* the consequences of eating that way. I do not miss being morbidly obese, tired, unhealthy, unable to do the things I want to do. I do not miss the feeling of being unable to control myself around food or the stuffing of my emotions. I do not miss living in a sugar fog.

So it's a trade off. What do I want more? I want this life, a better life, and the price for having it is changing my eating behaviors. It is a day to day thing. I want a sub and chips and Coke because it would taste good, but I have a bowl of vegetable beef soup and green tea instead because it is better for my body. I want a whole bag of those darned mini Snickers bars, but instead I have a Medifast brownie because it will keep my blood sugar stable. I want to sit around eating nachos today, but instead I get outside, rake leaves, walk in the sun, and enjoy a healthy stir fry for dinner. And you know what? It is not such a drudgery. It is kind of enjoyable. Even the food. I like life like this. It is better than being stuck in the house eating cookie dough and feeling like crap. That cookie dough is just not worth the price. Not anymore.

So as much as I hate changing my ways and doing things differently than I have done them for 40 years, I am doing it anyway. It is not easy. Changing long-standing habits never is. "Change" is not a one-shot thing that you just DO and it is over; it takes time and effort. And it is OKAY to acknowledge a taste preference for junk. It is OKAY to say, "you know, I really wish I could just eat a whole pizza today." And then you can choose not to. It is not wrong to feel those feelings and work through them. People always want to believe that we make this grand lifestyle change and all the old ways just fall away never to be seen again, and the thought of a greasy burger or a candy bar is just repulsive to our new healthy selves. Hey, maybe it is that way for you! If so, that is great! But it is not that way for everybody. That is one big reason why losing weight and keeping it off is so hard. That is why I have gone off plan so many times in the past. I still like junk food. I want it. but overall, as a whole, I choose something better. I can never go back to the oblivion I was living in before, at 278 pounds. I might go back to eating lasagna or cookies or even ice cream sometimes, when I am struggling, but I have made a conscious choice that *that* is no longer my LIFE. THIS is. And the nice thing is, once you get going on your chosen healthier path, it *does* get easier to say no to the old ways. It does lead to a happier, richer life. And it is very much worth the effort.

The Role of Denial in Weight Gain (or Regain)

In my experience, there is a whole lot of "head in the sand" behavior when it comes to weight gain (or regain). I've done it myself, and I've watched others do it. But let me talk about my own denial first.

Back when I was first going up the scale from 200 to nearly 300 pounds, which happened in less than a year, I simply did not notice how big I was getting. I know that sounds crazy. How could ANYONE not notice putting on 80 pounds?? Well, I knew I was gaining "a little" weight, but I shoved it in the back of my mind and covered it with brownies and Big Macs and pizzas. So what if I was "a little" fat? Who cared? It wasn't really affecting me. That's what I told myself as I closed in on 280.

It is easy to do. You start out seeing a bit of a gain on the scale, or feeling your pants get tighter, or maybe neither. Maybe you just do not check in with yourself at all. The denial comes from avoidance. I avoided mirrors completely. I NEVER looked at myself, I averted my eyes when I was walking towards a storefront window where my "distorted" reflection might accost me, I refused to get on the scale. I almost exclusively wore black (or dark navy blue) stretch pants. When the 18's got tight, I thought they must be shrinking. I saw the holes in the thighs and went to buy more stretch pants but those 18's just were too uncomfortable so I would buy 20's. That was not really my size, of course. I just wanted them to be a little looser for comfort. Baggy, you know. Just for comfort. And then later when those got worn out in the thighs and I went for more stretch pants, the 20's were snug. They must be a different brand. They have started to cut them differently. Oh, the fabric is just not as stretchy. I will buy a 22 this time. How annoying, but the number doesn't *really* matter, it is just a different cut or brand. And on and on this went, until I was buying 26/28's and 3X and even some 4X clothes. I just kept telling myself it was something else... the fabric, the brand, the cut. Oh, okay, MAYBE I had gained a LITTLE weight. Stupid pants fabric....

This is how I became morbidly obese. I knew I was kind of fat and I figured I would start tomorrow and do something about it. But for now, the scale would just be depressing and the clothes are comfy at 26/28 and I was not really that big...

Until I could hardly walk and was no longer tucking my kids in at night.
Until I turned around in that little store and knocked a glass shelf to the floor with my hip.
Until I was in the ER with heart palpitations.
Until my friend came to visit me and saw me with that 80-pound gain and drew her breath in sharply, almost crying at seeing me like this.
Until I couldn't fit on rides or walk to the beach or catch my toddler as she was about to dart into traffic.

Then I woke up.

We all have our wake-up moments but even when they are dramatic it is easy to sweep it under the carpet with excuses. I still do it sometimes. We want to go along la-la-la, nothing is wrong, and if it is we can deal with it later. That is dangerous behavior.

Look at all the weight loss bloggers who lost a ton of weight, got to goal or near goal, and then regained part of the weight and are struggling. There are SO MANY of us. It is a common theme. Regain is easy. Habits are hard to break. Food tastes good. We need a break. Lifestyle is easier spoken than lived.

How on earth did I gain twenty pounds and still think I was okay? How could I continue to think I was "189ish" when in fact I had gone over 200 pounds again? Well, the same way I gained that 80 in a year. Easy. Stay off the scale, tell yourself it is a "little" gain, avoid mirrors, ignore the clothing becoming tighter. I kept telling myself "oh my jeans all still fit so I am sure I haven't gained more than five pounds." But in fact, I was ignoring the fact that those jeans were super loose before and super tight after. They fit! It didn't matter that 2 months ago they were so loose I had almost put them in the Fat Clothes pile, and now I was walking around with them unbuttoned half the time because they were too tight. They fit! I haven't gained. That's how it goes.

I have never known a person who has regained all their lost weight while getting on the scale every single day.

It is very hard to watch the numbers climb. It cuts into our denial with a dose of reality. So we just stay off the scale and make up imaginary number in our heads instead. Dangerous behavior.

The only reason the scale is not still climbing is that my pants got so tight I was snapped back out of denial, along with getting back on the scale and facing the truth. If you have gotten rid of your fat clothes, and refuse to wear stretch pants, there is a built-in barrier to your regain. You can only go so far before you are naked.

Please, if you are in this state of avoiding the truth, turn it around NOW. Not tomorrow, not next week. If your pants are getting tighter or sizes bigger THERE IS A REASON. Get on the scale. Face it. No one says you have to go on a diet or change everything the minute you see that number. You can keep eating anything you want. Just do it KNOWING. No more mind games.

No Pants

Okay, so the caffeine thing is going well. Again I limited myself to 2 cups of coffee and no other caffeinated drinks today. The sleeping is still not going so well, but there's not much I can do about that. My boys are feeling better and back in school but my daughter has missed 3 days this week and will be staying home tomorrow, too. We went to the doctor today and got some medicine, so hopefully she will be better by Monday and able to go back to school. She wakes up in the night crying a lot because her head hurts and her nose is stuffed and she is coughing. I've been letting her in my bed in the middle of the night to comfort her, and then she coughs most of the night, keeping me awake. I am over my cold so I am thankful for that.

As the weather turned quite cold recently, I've started to dig out some warmer clothes to wear. I had three pairs of capri jeans I wore over the summer that varied from super loose to uncomfortably tight depending on where I was with my weight, but now that it is too cold for shorts and capris I put them away and went to get out the jeans. And I found... one pair. ONE pair of jeans that fits me. They are a size 14. The 12's and 10's I wore last October are too tight. Great. I do have some "lounge pants" I can wear around the house but I don't want to make a habit of THAT. So now I get to wear my one pair of jeans two days in a row and then throw them in the wash at night, get up in the morning to dry them, and wear them for two more days. It is so annoying to only have one pair of pants! I gave away all my bigger clothes as I outgrew them, and I am really thankful for that now. It would be much too easy to go dig out some bigger clothes to wear "just until I lose the weight" and end up growing into them. I've done that way too often in the past. Not a possibility now. Lose weight or go naked. That's where I'm at.

Thankfully I am on a path that should lead to a smaller waist and smaller pants before this one pair of jeans is threadbare. I will keep you updated.

TODAY

I think the key to succeeding in reaching my goals is starting TODAY. Not tomorrow, not on Monday, not after the holidays, not when it's convenient. TODAY. Because, in my experience, tomorrow just gets further and further away.

So I asked myself, what is one problem I would like to solve, and what can I do TODAY to start fixing it?

I came up with an answer. I am tired. A lot. I am tired almost daily... hourly. It has gotten worse since the passing of summer. In fact, I think there are two things at play here:

1) The predictable beginnings of seasonal affective disorder. Living in the north, daylight has been fading fast. Every year about this time I start feeling like hibernating. I lose steam. I feel blah. I want to eat and sleep.

2) Adrenal fatigue. I don't have a medical diagnosis, but have been reading up on this feeling that I am always dragging and too tired. My consumption of caffeine has gone way, way up in the past couple of months. I start my day by pushing the button on the coffee maker for 2 or 3 cups of coffee. I do it again in the afternoon sometimes. I have a Diet Coke here and there. I use Medifast infusers, which are like caffeinated Crystal Light. And I didn't even think about this but I also habitually add instant coffee to my hot cocoa, once or twice a day. That's a LOT of caffeine! I used to feel energized after drinking it, but now it has no effect. I am just tired. This, from what I am reading, could be a symptom (and cause) or adrenal fatigue.

What can I do about it?

1) Get out the light box and start using it. Twenty minutes a day at breakfast does wonders for my mood and energy level. I have been using that light box since 2008 and love it. Last winter, I added a Sunrise Clock, and that helps me wake up refreshed.

2) Obviously, cut back on the caffeine. Less coffee, soda, and infusers. Stop adding instant coffee to things habitually.

What I am doing about it TODAY:

I put away my automatic coffee pot, and got out my single serving French press. This way, I make one cup of coffee at a time. Today I had one cup in the morning and one in the afternoon. As I stated before, I am not buying anymore diet sodas at all, so that won't be an issue and today I did not have any caffeinated soda or infusers.

I am going to try and limit myself to two caffeinated drinks per day total, including the coffee, and that has worked fine for today. I have found that green tea has far less caffeine than coffee and also has health benefits, so I will use that in place of coffee in the afternoon as I wean down to one cup of coffee per day, max. I am getting out my light box this evening, and after the time changes next week I will see whether I need to start using the sunrise clock yet.

I am also going to get more sleep. I am just exhausted! I got about 4 hours last night. It is tough with sick kids. Tonight I will be taking a nice long, relaxing bubble bath for the first time in ages, and going to bed at 10. Hopefully my daughter will sleep well, too. She sure didn't last night!

So that is my step towards better health for today. I need to make sleep a priority so I can continue to have an energetic life.

Circles

Here's what I think.

I have been walking in circles. Maybe not actually *circles*, but more like spirals. I mean, I am obviously making progress and getting closer to my goals of a healthy weight and well-maintained body, and even a more balanced life in general. But last night it occurred to me very clearly that as I am wandering in this vast forest of life, every so often I look around after walking what seems to be miles and miles, and I notice I am back at that same familiar stack of rocks that I thought I passed miles ago.

The nice thing about this very long-standing blog is that it has become a road map of a four-year-plus journey. I go back and read it sometimes and go "Crap! I thought I had dealt with that already! But it is cropping up again!" I walk my chosen path each day through what seems like new territory, but every so often the landmarks become eerily familiar.

It's as if you laid a stretched-out spring or a Slinky along the side of a mountain from top to bottom. I am hiking up, up, up the mountain, yes getting closer to the top, but still circling.

Am I wasting energy? Or taking the scenic route?

Either way, it is my journey. I am getting there even if I turn in the wrong direction sometimes. It always spirals back around towards the top. But some of this circling is crazy-making and I think I am going to pull that spring a little tighter, stretch it out a little further so that the circles are fewer and there is more of a wave of ups and downs than rows of circles.

It is maddening sometimes. I'd love to just be at goal and jump up and down and proclaim myself "done" as so many other weight loss bloggers have done. But it seems no one is ever as "done" as they think they are, anyway. Actually, as I have been spiraling up the mountain I've watched plenty of people sprint up past me and then sometime later roll right back down. So I embrace my journey, even as I decide to change it a bit.

Waves, not circles. That's what I am working on now. A little more effort will help me conserve energy in the long run.

I have some kinks to work out in my overall health plan and will blog about that shortly. I am still getting on the scale daily, sticking to Medifast, tending sick kids, and getting by on way, way too little sleep right now. I am logging my food and will post a weekly weight loss on Sundays.

Sometimes, I wonder what my point is...

A Little Update

The past couple of days have been crazy, as one child after another comes down sick. I am pretty much over my cold, but one son is much worse, another has just gotten sick, and my daughter was better for a day and now is sicker again. I am thinking sinus issues. So I have some kids home from school and we are going through Kleenexes like crazy. My little one is in tears because she is missing a birthday party today, too. We also have a sudden influx of ants in the house to deal with.

So today I will be spending time cooking for the sickies. I have a chicken I will roast to make Magic Chicken Soup, and will also bake some pumpkin loaf. I think I will just try to enjoy spending more down time with the kids, playing some games, reading stories, and making crafts together.

I stayed on plan over the weekend and was still 202 pounds. Yesterday my dinner was not a Lean & Green as it was not measured and contained beans. I admit sneaking a little Almond Joy from a candy basket yesterday, too. Doing fine today, the PMS is finally over and I expect to see the scale start moving again this week. I lost 7 pounds last week.

My goal is 100% on plan for November. I aim for perfection, even though I am not perfect. If I can drop ten pounds this month I will be pleased with that. I want to enter the new year well into the 180's. I have a vision of an energetic life and am working to make it happen.