Clean the Toilet

Doing okay today. The nice thing is I am not in a frenzy or obsessing about food. Getting off sugar is the key to that. However, I still start thinking about eating stuff between meals when I am trying to avoid something. Doesn't seem to matter what it is: housework, laundry, talking to a son about an emotional issue, thinking about how I will get certain things done, or being sad about something. Whatever I am trying to avoid, emotion or activity, is a catalyst for my turning to food.

It's just simple avoidance behavior. Some people use alcohol, some use drugs, some use gambling and others use sex. Sometimes I use the Internet. But food, or even just *the struggle*, is really excellent at getting my mind off something unpleasant. It isn't very helpful though, so I am learning to sit with the feelings and then do something about it instead of avoiding. It is far easier to just clean the darn toilet than it is to spend all that energy and effort *avoiding* cleaning the toilet. And that can be taken figuratively, too. We all have toilets we need to scrub. And the longer you let it go, the more it stinks. Just clean your emotional toilet already.

Today's food:
6am: 2c coffee, 2 Tbsp sugar free creamer
8am: Medifast peach oatmeal, 1/4 c unsweetened almond milk
11am: Medifast dark chocolate shake, 1 ounce of cheese
1pm: Medifast spice pancake made into a muffin, 1 c coffee, 1 Tbsp sugar free creamer
It is after 3, time for another Medifast meal and one at 8:30. One will be Hot Cocoa, not sure about the other yet. Dinner is Chicken Taco Soup.

Time to take the dog out. Catch you later!

Reporting In...

Today my daughter was sick so we had to put off plans that we had to go out and visit friends, but she wasn't so sick that a little trip to the park in the sunshine was out of order, so we did that instead. Ten minutes of fresh air and slides was good for us both. Other than that, and a rousing game of Don't Break the Ice, I got practically nothing done today.

My food okay today although my main meal was not prepared by me, so I had to wing it and estimate; thus no stats for today. Close enough, and reasonably low carb though.

5am: 3 cups coffee with 3 Tbsp sugar free creamer with the senile old dog who thinks he is a rooster
7:30am: Medifast peach oatmeal, 1/4 c unsweetened almond milk
10am: Medifast Parmesan puffs and a Diet Coke
1:00pm: 2 chicken thighs, about 1/3 c steamed green beans, a large plate of salad including spring mix, spinach, cucumbers, broccoli, cauliflower, mushrooms, red onion, and blue cheese dressing (about 2 c salad and 2 Tbsp dressing). I did have a "sugar free cookie" for dessert. No, it probably wasn't low in carbs as I think they made it with regular flour and nuts and Splenda, but it was a very nice gesture and tasted pretty good. It was smallish, 2.5" or so.
4:00pm: 6 oz fat free Greek yogurt (sub for Medifast meal)
6:00pm: about a cup of popcorn watching a movie with the kids (this is not on plan)
I will have one more Medifast meal around 8-9:00, probably a lower carb one like Cranberry Mango drink.

Scale said 202 this morning, down another pound.

New Medifast Food Reviews: Pancakes, Syrup, and Bites

It's been awhile since these "new" Medifast foods have been released (August, I think), so I figured I'd do a review for those interested.

First, we have Spiced Pancakes and Sugar-Free Syrup:

Like other Medifast products, they come 7 packets to a box. The Spiced Pancakes are just like the Original and Chocolate Chip Pancakes; you add water to the powder, shake it up, and cook it in a nonstick pan to get 3 small or 1 large pancake. The syrup comes in little packets that you open and pour over your pancakes, like so:

The texture is the same as the other Medifast pancakes, but the flavor is even better! I had made "spiced" pancakes before by adding cinnamon or pumpkin pie spice to the Original Pancake mix, but these are much tastier and you don't have to count the spices as condiments, either. They also make the best mug muffins (recipe on my tips page).

Now about the syrup. I had been using Vermont Sugar Free Syrup that I buy at WalMart on my pancakes. It tastes about the same as the Medifast Syrup, both are sweetened with sucralose and have almost identical ingredients, and nutrition stats are about the same (4 calories and 1.25 g carb/Tbsp for Vermont, 2.5 calories and 1 g carb/Tbsp for Medifast). One Tbsp of either counts as 1 condiment. So the deciding factors are: cost and convenience.

Cost:
Medifast syrup is $4.50/box of 7 packets, which totals 7 oz syrup. This is 64 cents an ounce.
Vermont syrup is about $3/bottle at Walmart for 12 ounces. On Amazon , it is 22 cents an ounce.

Convenience:
Medifast syrup is in packets, which is more convenient for travel or taking to work. However, each packet contains 2 Tbsp syrup, which is 2 condiments. Since I only use 1 Tbsp on my pancakes, what do I do with the rest? The packets do not reseal and are hard to save. I dump the rest in my Vermont syrup bottle to save for later. Vermont syrup is just in a typical syrup bottle, easy to measure out any amount you want.

So thumbs up on the pancakes, thumbs down on the syrup because of cost and ease of use.

Now the new Bites. They come in BBQ and Cheese Pizza flavors:

They come in little bags, one meal per bag, 7 bags per box, like other Medifast meals. Here you can see the Cheese Pizza Bites poured into a bowl. The BBQ Bites look almost exactly the same. They have the same crunchy texture as well. The Bites are crunchier and more dense than the Medifast puffs are. They are also a little drier in the mouth, and make you drink a lot of water with them.

I have mixed feelings on these Bites. Sometimes when I start to eat them I think they aren't very good, but after eating a few they grow on me. Other times, I start eating them and think they taste yummy, and after a few, I really do not want the rest. Actually, the first time I had them I thought "nope, not going to eat these!" and put the rest of the bag away and had something else. Those were the BBQ variety; I am still not a fan of those, but a lot of people do like them. The BBQ ones are a little sweet. The pizza bites are very pizza-ey and better tasting to me, but still not as good as the Puffs. I don't plan on ordering any more Bites of either variety. I prefer the Puffs.

That's all for now. Medifast will be releasing three more NEW foods in November and I will review those here as well. You can see more of my Medifast reviews via the links on this page.

*FTC-required disclosure: Medifast provided me with its products for my personal use for free. I am not paid or compensated in any other way for mentioning their products.*

Friday Food

What I ate today:

8am: Medifast peach oatmeal with 1/4 cup unsweetened almond milk, plain green tea
10:30am: coffee, 3 Tbsp half and half, Splenda; Medifast cinnamon roll crunch bar
12:00pm: Medifast scrambled eggs with 1 wedge of Laughing Cow Light cheese scrambled in
3pm: Medifast hot cocoa
5pm: Shirataki Ramen
6pm: 3 devilled eggs (6 halves; made with low fat mayo and mustard) and 1/2 cup raw cauliflower
8pm: Medifast brownie

I am still mildly sick and also have PMS. I didn't walk today, just played fetch in the yard with the dog for a bit. The scale said 203 this morning, same as yesterday.

Edited: I forgot to add my stats for today.

935 calories
85 g protein
82 g carbs
33% fat

Some Stuff I Am Working On

I am taking this fresh start on Medifast and using it to make some important changes I didn't make last time around. I always had these things jumbling around in my head, but was putting them off until "after Medifast." I figured I'd just work on one small thing at a time. But I am doing it a little differently this time. I think I can do that, because now I am used to the Medifast foods and the eating schedule and have a bunch of good Lean & Green recipes to fall back on without much thought. So this time, I am working on more.

I have always disliked using artificial sweeteners, but I like sweet tasting things. When I was calorie counting, I'd have some sweets... very limited... but they had to be certain kinds of things. For example, I could not eat *one cookie* or *one slice of cake* most of the time, because it set off major binge cravings for me. I could eat a square of dark chocolate. I could eat sweetened yogurt or have a teaspoon of brown sugar in my morning oatmeal or have my homemade pumpkin custard without issues. I know the binge triggers (baked goods, ice cream with "stuff" in it like nuts or chips, anything with creamy and crunchy textures together) and can avoid them. I also never had a problem with fruit being a trigger. Anyway, on Medifast I'd been drinking a LOT of diet sodas, Crystal Light, teas and coffees with Splenda, etc, all of which are things I absolutely never used when I was calorie counting. I felt like I needed those things as crutches for when I was craving something sweet. (I know, why would I crave sweets when I could have a Medifast brownie or hot cocoa? Well, those are not that sweet, actually. They are sort of 'dumbed down' so as not to trigger cravings or make you want more after you have one.) So as a result, I started buying all kinds of artificially sweetened stuff. At one point a few months back, I had probably 6 kinds of diet soda and 8 bottles of various flavors of sugar free syrup in the pantry! Plus I had 5 kinds of Crytal Light, a box of Splenda, some Truvia, some Mio drops, and liquid sweetener drops for diabetics. I went a little overboard.

This time around, I am going to knock that off. I say "going to" because I still have a lot of those things here and my plan is to use what's left but not purchase any more artificially sweetened stuff. It might not sound like a big deal to you, but it is to me. Getting completely off artificial sweeteners is a goal eventually, so I can start now by not adding syrups to my Medifast foods anymore and not drinking things like diet soda and Crystal light. I might throw some of this stuff away or give it to a friend to make it disappear faster. I will say it will not be hard giving up most of this, except the Coke Zero. I swear it is addictive. I crave it. And if you've ever tried to get off sodas you know what I mean. So this is my first goal. I'll just be drinking plain water and teas again like I used to. As for the coffee, for now that will be the exception. I'll still buy sugar free creamer but I will be trying different brewing methods to get a cup of coffee that I enjoy without sweeteners, and will be cutting back the amount I use. The creamer I use gives me a nice cup of coffee for only 15 calories and 1 gram of carbs (1 condiment) but that can add up if I have more than 2 cups in a day.

Well, I was going to write about some other things too, but my head hurts so that's all for now. I am still fighting this head cold and now PMS as well, plus I have one sick kid and a sudden influx of ants in the house! I will post my intake later.


*FTC-required disclosure: Medifast provided me with its products for my personal use for free. I am not paid or compensated in any other way for mentioning their products.*

Daily Menu/Weigh In

I am not feeling well so just a quickie post.

What I ate today:
7am: coffee, 2 Tbsp sugar free creamer
8am: Medifast spiced pancakes, 1 Tbsp sugar free syrup
10:30am: Medifast hot cocoa
12:30: Medifast cheese pizza bites
2:00 coffee, 1 Tbsp sugar free creamer
3:00pm: Chobani nonfat Greek yogurt, 6 oz (sub for Medifast meal)
6:00pm: Leftover tortellini soup (without any tortellini, see prior recipe... one cup) and an ounce of low fat cheese to make up for not enough Lean in the soup. I was short on veggies today but didn't feel like I could eat more.
8:30pm: Medifast brownie

I walked about 1.5 miles today, drank a lot of water, and am very tired. Was up in the night with a crying child, up for the day at 5am with a senile senior dog, and still have a head cold. Going to bed soon.

Scale this morning said 203, down another 3 pounds.

Low Carb (and Healthy) "Tortellini" Soup

As promised, here is the recipe for Tortellini Soup I made last week. I divided the soup and made part low carb and the other part as usual for my kids. It was awesome! You will love this. (Note: this soup is not Medifast friendly, but IS low carb and very good for you!) I've had this recipe card in my file for years and have no idea who gave it to me. The low carb tweak is my own.

1.5 lbs lean Italian turkey sausage (I used Foster Farms, 7 links, casings removed. I like to use part mild and part hot, so 2 of the links were hot for my soup. You can just use mild and add red pepper flakes to taste if you prefer).
1 large onion, chopped
4 cloves of garlic, minced
4 cups low sodium beef broth or stock
6 ounces of dry red wine
6 cups water
1 large carrot, diced
15 ounces of tomato sauce (watch the carbs, I used Contadina brand)
4 cups of diced canned tomatoes and their juice (again, watch the carbs, mine had 4g carbs per serving). You can used stewed if you prefer. I used the kind that has Italian seasoning in it.
1 tsp dried oregano
1 tsp dried basil

1 Tbsp dried parsley
3 cups zucchini, diced
optional additions:
3 cups chopped raw cauliflower, or
3 cups frozen cheese-filled tortellini

In a large soup pot, brown the turkey sausage. When it is about halfway done, drain off the fat and add the onion and garlic and continue cooking until the meat is browned. Then add the broth, red wine, water, carrot, tomato sauce, tomatoes, and herbs. Bring to a boil, lower the heat, cover and simmer for 45-60 minutes.

Add zucchini and cauliflower (if using) and cook for 20 more minutes. I like to divide the soup after I add the zucchini, and put cauliflower in my portion and continue cooking both pots. If you do this, reduce the amount of cauliflower (the 3 cups is the amount for an entire pot of soup).

After 20 minutes, add tortellini if you are using that. I add it to the family's pot but not mine. Cook as long as the tortellini package indicates; mine took about five minutes. Note: I used frozen tortellini. If you use dried tortellini, use less (maybe 1.5-2 cups) and it will take longer to cook.

Add salt and pepper to taste and serve.

Both versions (with cauliflower, and with tortellini) and very tasty and reasonable in calories. Here are the pictures and stats.

Cauliflower version:

Stats for one cup of soup made with cauliflower:

92 calories

3.6 g fat

6 g carbs

7.3 g protein

Now, the tortellini version I served my family:



Stats for one cup of soup made with frozen tortellini:

123 calories

3.8 g fat

10.5 g carbs

8.5 g protein

What I love about this soup is that it tastes SO good and is also very versatile. You can add any vegetables you like, such as celery or cabbage. I sometimes add a couple handfuls of baby spinach right at the end. It doesn't really need to cook; it will wilt from the heat if you just throw it in. Very yummy. And it is an easy meal to make for the family. My kids like tortellini and I can still eat the same meal with them with a slight adjustment to make mine low carb. The cauliflower replaces the tortellini very nicely.

I hope you enjoy this recipe! May it warm and nourish you on a chilly fall night.

Day Two, Medifast Style

I had another good day today. This morning the scale said 206, down 3 pounds from yesterday. Today I am still sick with a head cold but it seems to be going away already. I felt worse this morning and better now. I walked the pup at least 2 miles today. I also got to kiss this cute little snout:

Look at those whiskers!! I love puppy nose!!

Anyway, here is my intake for today.

7am: coffee with 2 Tbsp sugar free creamer
8am: Medifast peach oatmeal with 1/4 cup unsweetened almond milk
10am: Medifast hot cocoa made with coffee
noon: Medifast peanut butter crunch bar (took it with me as I was running errands)
2pm: Medifast chili with 1/2 cup diced canned tomatoes added and a low fat string cheese
3pm: cup of coffee with sugar free creamer
6pm: Low Carb Meat Lasagna with 1/2 cup fresh cooked mushrooms added, and 1/4 cup raw cauliflower dipped in 1 tsp light Ranch dressing
8pm (planned): Medifast hot cocoa

Stats:
1017 calories
110 g protein
93 g carbs
26% fat

After reading the interesting comments on my last two posts, I started a discussion in my BlogFrog community about "tough love" comments. You can check it out or join in here if you're interested.

Thanks for your support and suggestions :)

Daily Intake

I am going to be posting my daily intake and activity, weigh in, and anything I am doing to improve my health. I won't usually be posting pictures of everything I eat, but will post pictures of new recipes when I make them (new soup recipe coming soon). But for today, I took pictures.

I woke up sick today. One of my kids has been sick for a few days so I guess I have the head cold he has. I am tired and feel icky but am going ahead as planned anyway. I walked about a mile with the dog today, and then trained her for an hour, but no other exercise.

I am definitely *not* "189-ish." I am actually UP a few pounds from when I got on the scale the other night, too. I had another rapid gain. I will be writing a post about that later, about the ways I was telling myself I hadn't gained much weight, that everything was okay, that I was at least eating on plan SOME of the time, that my pants still fit, etc, so I couldn't be much past 195. Wrong. On September 25, last time I got on the scale, I weighed 189. On October 25, I weigh 209. Twenty pounds in one month.

I am doing the Medifast 5 & 1 Plan, same as before. Five Medifast meals, one homemade Lean & Green meal, and an optional snack.

Food for today:

7am: coffee with 2 Tbsp sugar free creamer
8:30am: Medifast peach oatmeal with 1/4 cup unsweetened almond milk

11am: Medifast hot cocoa made with coffee

1pm: Medifast chicken & wild rice soup with a glass of iced lemon green tea

3:30pm: Medifast chili cheese puffs and a Coke Zero

6pm: Low Carb Split Pea Soup (thankfully I had this in my freezer from the last pot I made!) So good. The amount in the picture is about half of what I ate (two bowls).

8:30pm: Medifast brownie topped with 1/2 Tbsp peanut butter

That's it. I also did some things to bring back good habits to improve my health. I drank 14 (or more) cups of water, had green tea (I have a goal of drinking green tea daily), and started taking my supplements again (D3, B12, C, glucosamine, chondroitin, and biotin today). I hope to get to bed at a reasonable hour, too.

Stats for today:
877 calories
93 g protein
88 g carbs
21% fat


*FTC-required disclosure: Medifast provided me with its products for my personal use for free. I am not paid or compensated in any other way for mentioning their products.*

Not Quite How I Planned

Boy, the plan (which I posted this morning) did not go so smoothly. Well, part of it did. Part didn't.

I got up and had my usual cup of coffee with sugar free creamer. I saw all the kiddos off to school and then the pup and I were off for some adventures. I got outside and walked a couple of miles and had a lot of fun. Then, I was all excited driving to the next town over for that cinnamon roll I have wanted for... well, years, actually.

 Maybe you know what it's like to hear about a food and just WANT it, long for it, but not be *quite* crazy enough to hop in the car and drive all over creation just to get it. I managed for the last 3 years to avoid this particular coffee place just because I figured the less yummy stuff I know about, the better. But since I already knew about the warm walnut-stuffed cinnamon rolls with maple frosting that they made fresh every day, it was already bugging me. I had actually sat down with myself this weekend and had taken inventory of my desires, and decided what I would have today. So, you know, I was anticipating.

I drove up to the coffee house and scanned the menu. I was going to get a sugar free vanilla latte... but they had this billboard with their *special*: a caramel apple latte.

"Yes, can I get a maple walnut cinnamon roll please..."
"Sorry, we are out of cinnamon rolls."
"Uh, how about a vanilla cinnamon roll then?"
"We don't have any cinnamon rolls today, sorry!"
"Ummm...."
"How about a scone? We have cookies and oh these brownies are great!" She hold out a huge, cellophane wrapped frosted walnut brownie.
"Um, yeah, okay. Can I get a sugar free caramel apple latte also?"
She stares at me, the brownie, back at me. "Sugar free?"
"Yes, can you do that?"
"No! We don't have that flavor in sugar free."
Drat. "Okay, just a small caramel apple latte then."
I wait, I pay, I drive home with a brownie the size of my head and a latte that I know is too sweet after one sip.

Now it gets silly.

I did not get my damn cinnamon roll. After all that buildup, the deciding, the choosing, the allowing myself, I didn't get it. I didn't want a brownie! I wanted a damn cinnamon roll! And tomorrow I will be low carbing for who knows how long and I won't get that damn cinnamon roll until... well, maybe never! Ugh!

I drive home. On the way, a sign: just opened, new bakery. I go. Maybe they have a cinnamon roll.

I walk in. Case of after case of home baked sweets surround me. And you won't believe what happens next.
"Yes. I'll have this cinnamon roll. Yes this one right here, the big one. And oh, an oatmeal cookie too." I look up and the sign says BROCCOLI CHEESE SOUP. I say, "I'll take a cup of the soup to go. And I think I will bring home a few more of your baked goods too. One of those orange scones there, and a brownie as well." (Yes, another brownie. A brownie that looked nearly identical to the one I had sitting in my car. Except the frosting had pretty swirls and the one in my car was smooshed under plastic wrap. I have no idea where the brownie ordering came from. I was in la la land at this point, over that damned maple walnut cinnamon roll that I couldn't have).

I walked out $10 poorer with a million calories in my hands, wondering what the heck I was going to do with all this stuff. I would eat the soup for lunch with my tuna sandwich and then figure out the rest.

I went home, made a plain cup of black coffee because the latte was too sweet, and ate the cinnamon roll.

I did chores and laundry and worked on some things, and then it was time for lunch. I was happy. I'd actually gone and bought WHITE bread just for this occasion, something I never buy. When I was a little girl, my mother sometimes packed me a lunch for school. It was usually tuna salad on Wonder bread. I would take the potato chips she sent along with it and smash them inside my sandwich and eat it. So good. Haven't had that in ages, so that would be my lunch of choice today. I got out the bread. I put the mayo, mustard, and relish in a bowl. I grabbed the can of tuna.

Oh wait, there is no can of tuna. There USED to be tuna, because I bought 2 cans just for this occasion, but apparently *someone else* wanted tuna yesterday. So no tuna.

I was not happy. But I decided to just eat the soup I got and deal with it. The soup was good, but it wasn't a tuna sandwich on white bread from my mother with chips smashed in the middle.

I trained my dog, I called some friends, I worked on a few projects. I took a bite of the scone and it was just... bad. Salty, gross, cakey. I threw it out. I put a load of towels in the washer. I ate the oatmeal cookie and warmed the latte back up and took a few sips. It was horrendously sweet. I poured out half and added plain coffee... still just too much. I drank a little more and then dumped it out.

I started prepping the soup for dinner: browning the meat, chopping onions and garlic and carrots, measuring broth and spices into the pot. I ate a few bites of the huge brownie but it was just too sweet. I wrapped it back up. I went to get my daughter from school and take her to dance, came home and finished making the soup. Oh, it was delightful! I portioned out part of it before adding tortellini, and to my part I added cauliflower instead. It was so good. I took pictures and you can bet the recipe is coming! I had 1 1/2 bowls and a slice of that white bread I'd bought for the tuna sandwich I didn't get to have.

I cleaned up, helped with homework, read stories, comforted worries, and tucked my daughter in. I gave my son the rest of that cellophaned brownie and ate a couple of chips. I wondered if I will weigh MORE tomorrow than I did last night because of all the salt/carbs/sugar/volume I ate today. And then I ate the other brownie.

Done.

Plan for Today

I don't really have an explanation for what I am doing today, except to say the following:

I have had a couple of foods dancing in my head for some time. Bugging me. I am going to have them today.
My eating has been all over the place this weekend... not horrible but definitely not low carb.
I am going back on Medifast tomorrow.
This week I had purchased all the ingredients to make a delicious, healthy, (but not low carb or Medifast-friendly) soup that my family has always loved. I haven't made it in years. I want to make it today and enjoy it without trying to fit it perfectly into the Lean & Green guidelines. I am, however, going to try and make it healthier and low carb and post the recipe later if that works out.
Today I am going to get out of the house, take some walks with the dog, get some chores done. I am going to drive out to this little coffee stand in the next town over that I have wanted to try for years now. They make their own cinnamon rolls. I am going to have a sugar free latte and a cinnamon roll this morning.
I am going to have a tuna sandwich with chips and a diet Coke for lunch. Tuna sandwiches go way, way back to my childhood. My mom packed them in almost every school lunch, with chips. I do eat tuna salad often (low fat, with lots of veggies mixed in) but haven't had a sandwich in awhile.
I am going to make this fantastic soup for dinner, with lots of veggies, red wine, lean turkey sausage and tortellini in it. I am going to try splitting the batch before I add the tortellini and do something different with mine.
I will probably have some yogurt, fruit, that kind of thing for snacks.
I am eating this stuff because I feel like it. I am not trying to justify it or say it is the healthiest thing or that it will cause me to lose weight. I am just using this blog to stay accountable and aware of what I am doing. You are probably going to see more mini posts with food and activity lists for the day. And weigh ins.

I got on the scale last night. I almost never weigh at night because I am always lighter in the morning, but the number was really not a shock. I am able to grab a handful of fat on my waist now... something I just noticed yesterday... so I knew that had to weigh something. I am going back to weighing daily and posting it here. Tomorrow I will weigh and post my food/activity. This is me going back to basics. That's the plan.

Not Sure Where I Am Going, But I'm Not Standing Still

I think I need a reality check.

I mean, I have gone several weeks without stepping on the scale. After my aunt passed away, I fell apart a bit and have been on and off ever since. I am constantly telling myself I am okay with my eating, I am healthy, my clothes still fit, I've kept off 80-90% of the weight I lost, blah blah blah. "I need a break from the scale" is fine... I did that when numbers started freaking me out around the 200 pound mark... but going for 3-4 weeks with no weigh in is probably a sign something isn't quite right.

I have to face it even though I am still trying to talk myself into one more week of winging it, staying off the scale, staying "mostly" on plan, "maintaining."

What I have had to face today:

My activity level has dropped. I no longer walk my child to school in the mornings due to the weather. That's one mile not walked. I also stopped walking the dog every day; that's another 1-2 miles not walked. I also ditched all the strength training and PT. I would say aside from my yard work activity, I have become sedentary, and that is not good.

I am really wishy washy about my eating. No measuring, no weighing, and no doubt I am eating too much of the right foods and the not-so-right ones. Too much chicken, too many eggs, too much coffee, too much diet soda, too much salt, too much fat. I try and justify it in my mind because it isn't THAT bad and at least I am not bingeing or eating McDonald's. I have become complacent about my eating, and that is not good either.

The past few weeks I have felt "frozen" in my ability to *do* things. Like, I know the (many) things I need to do (not just with my health but with other aspects of my life) and I am paralyzed to take a single step in any direction. I stand still, frozen, waiting... (for what?) This is making time fly by without much productivity on any front. Not how I want to live my life.

I want to be clear that I am not saying my life is not joyful. It is. I had some lovely times with my children this week, am very much enjoying training my dog and doing sports with her and building new relationships with other dog sport enthusiasts, doing some writing, and volunteering at my daughter's school. I am happy. But aside from that, I am *also* frozen. I am not sure how else to explain it. There is an underlying difficulty committing and making changes and making decisions about other things that I keep sweeping under the carpet over and over, and just lately, that includes my health (not just my weight).

Checking into reality now...

A Simple Pot of Beans

It was a lovely fall day, probably the last 70-ish degree day we will have before the chill sets in. Leaves are golden and red and falling like colored snowflakes from the trees. After a trip to a pumpkin-and-apple festival in a nearby town, complete with hayride, petting zoo, treehouse playground, pumpkin patch, and freshly picked-and-dunked caramel apples, I came home and started a simple pot of beans for dinner.

My children have always eaten beans, maybe because we have always served them. They are inexpensive, nourishing, and filling, so even in the hardest of times we could sit down to enjoy bean soup or some other dish stretched by the addition of beans. My youngest child does not tolerate meat very well, so beans have been very important for protein in her diet and will continue to be.

Nothing says fall like beans and cornbread for dinner! It is so easy to make... and cheap, and healthy. If you are eating low carb, you may have to ditch the cornbread or only have a small piece; this recipe is *not* Medifast friendly, but it is full of good carbs, so enjoy and be nourished! Even the least experienced cook can make this.

Beans

Take a big soup pot and set it on the stove.
Measure out 3-4 cups of dried pinto beans. Rinse them in a colander and pick out any pebbles or other debris. Dump the beans into the pot.
Add about 4 cups of chicken broth or stock (homemade is best, low sodium canned is fine also). Then add 4-5 cups of water.
Chop one medium onion and mince 2 cloves of garlic. Add these to the pot along with 1 tsp salt and 1.5 tsp black pepper. I like to add about 1/2 tsp cumin, but you can leave it out.
Bring this to a boil, give it a stir, turn down the heat, cover it and simmer for a couple of hours... usually 2-3... until the beans are tender but not mushy. Go in and stir it every so often, adding water if needed to keep it from sticking. You want it to be a little soupy. I don't mean tons of broth; I mean when you dish them up there should be a little thickened liquid to sop up with the cornbread. When it is done cooking, taste it and add more salt, pepper, seasonings or Mrs. Dash to taste.

That's it! You can eat these as is, or mash them with a potato masher to make healthy, fat free "refried" beans. You can switch up the seasoning, add ham or bacon, liquid smoke, or more cumin, chili powder and cayenne to give them more of a southwest flavor. You can top them with sour cream, grated cheese, and/or chopped fresh cilantro. You can eat them in tortillas or on a salad. I like them as-is, in a bowl, with cornbread (here's my favorite, healthy cornbread recipe).

Leftovers freeze well or can be mashed into refried beans and used for another meal. I often spread some refried beans on a Carb Balance tortilla, sprinkle with cheese and hot sauce, and put it in my daughter's lunch for school! She eats them cold. Maybe someday I will share my bean muffin recipe with you, too! Nothing like chocolate and beans to perk up your child's after school snack.

Enjoy your weekend!

Motivation and Goals

Here I am, at 189(ish) pounds (having not been on a scale this month but still fitting into my jeans okay) and feeling good. That's the thing about losing a bunch of weight. Even though I haven't reached "goal" (whatever that is, as I have not set an exact number but do want to lose a bit more), I am, for the most part, happy with this body. There are things I can try to change, and things I will never change and need to accept. I have come a long way with being okay with the physical changes that come with weight shifts and aging; I have made peace with the extra skin I am bound to have, the stretch marks, the flabby parts and yes, even the arms. I still want to do any reasonable work I can joyfully do to improve those things according to how important they are to me, but I am actually getting more and more okay with where I already am.

It's hard to start a weight loss program when you are close to 300 pounds. It seems just so impossible to drop 110+ pounds. It makes you want to scream and cry and eat cupcakes. But I didn't. I ate watermelon, I plugged along, and here I am. And I always thought it would be ridiculously easy to lose 20 or 30 pounds, but it isn't. It's not, now, because it is not so critical and in-my-face as it was when I was nearly immobilized and hospitalized by my morbid obesity. Now, life is pretty normal. I mean, my weight doesn't much affect my day to day life. I can freely play with my children, take classes with my dog, roller skate with my daughter, walk or hike a couple of miles, and go up and down stairs at will. I can mop and vacuum and keep my house clean. I have enough energy to volunteer 1-2 mornings a week at my daughter's school, go on field trips with her, run errands, and get up and down from the floor to play. I can ride horses and bikes and get into small boats without fear of them tipping over. I fit in booths and on wobbly chairs and on amusement park rides. I can slide and swing at the park, wear "normal" (non plus sized) clothes, rake leaves and pull weeds. It all flows nicely together to make a pleasant life experience now, instead of being a vision of all the things I can't do because of my weight.

So the urgency is gone, and I go along not losing, not gaining. But I am not done.

I find myself putting off getting 'serious' about shedding another 20 or 30 pounds, because I don't see any *immediate* benefit to doing so. Frankly, I think I look pretty good most days. Sure, I would like to look even better/thinner, but it is just not a priority... the looks thing. The reason I am still at this is my health. And even that is no longer in the urgent category. It's more preventative now. And we all know how preventatives can easily get put off until later.

So yeah, I mull it over and think, "I really oughtta get this weight off and be done with it" (the weight loss part). I think I sort of lost my motivation when I got thin enough to just live and enjoy life and not be burdened by the fat anymore.

Well, really, it comes down to being a responsible adult and taking care of myself. I do know what I need to do, and I think I also need to adjust my "goal" in my mind a bit. I have been thinking I wanted to get back down to 145 pounds or so, which is what I weighed before I had kids. But you know, while that is an awesome fantasy, reality is that if I am this happy at 189(ish) pounds and look/feel as terrific as I did at 175 pounds, I'd be in heaven at 165 pounds. Really. It would do wonders for my knees and my body in general to get to that weight, which I have not seen in something like 15 or more years. So you know what? I am going to aim for that for now. Hey, 25 pounds is something I can do *if I decide I really want it and get off the see saw and focus.* I don't have to be a model. I just want to get to a better place.

What I think it will take:
exercise
more sleep
healthy foods
dealing with the two remaining Big Issues that eat at me

I am on it. I'll let you know how it's going!

What's YOUR Definition of Success?

I would really like to know: how do YOU define success? And I mean not only health/weight wise, but life wise.

Are you a success when you are happy most of the time? When your bills are all paid and you have enough for retirement? How about if your kids all grow up to be good people, are you a success then? Maybe when you reach your goal weight you will be a success. Or maybe when you marry the right person, or have love in your life, or get that Master's degree you always wanted.

Obviously, success has many facets. You cannot define success as one thing, unless you are only talking about one facet. There's success in relationships, in finances, in educational goals, and more. And even then, time moves on. Things change. A success one minute can be an abysmal failure the next. So what is success?

Let's talk weight and health for a minute here. I used to think when I reached a certain weight, that would make me a success at weight loss. I figured losing over 100 pounds made me a success. Yet people often blog or comment and say that losing weight is NOT the success, but keeping it off is. Okay, I see your point. So now I have kept about 90 pounds of that weight off for over a year so far and counting... in all, I've managed not to regain much of what I lost over a four year span. Is that long enough? What is success?

Is it when I reach a normal BMI?
Is it when my doctor says I am healthy?
Is it when I have no more cravings, ever? Or when I can control them 100% of the time?
Is it when I exercise three hours a week, or get my body fat down to a certain percentage?
Is it when I have kept all the weight off for 5 years? 10 years? To the grave? What fun is success if it is only reached when you die?

I think we have to define success for *ourselves.* It is pretty impossible to define it for someone else. I can't look at your life and say whether or not you are a success, UNLESS you have told me what your goals are and that you have failed or succeeded at reaching them. But it is important to understand what exactly we are working towards. Otherwise, we might be successful and not even realize it.

I am working on my own definition of success. What's yours? When will you BE a success?

Just Some Rambling Thoughts

Hmmm. I was thinking today. I haven't been on the scale in weeks. My pants still fit but just today felt a little tighter. They are jeans with no stretch to them so they let me know what's going on. I have a feeling I am not exactly 189 pounds anymore.

Anyway, I have so much stuff going on the rest of this week that I barely have time to think. I have been busy all day, and made the mistake of giving my daughter half a gummy worm for a special treat after dinner. She is not accustomed to sugar, and thus was still awake and popping out of bed at 9:15pm (with a 7:45 bedtime). It's past 10 now and I am trying to motivate myself to get up and move furniture and toys and such since I have carpet cleaning people coming at 8am. I'll be up and vacuuming at 7. Not my idea of a fun morning, but hey, I did get a puppy this year and the carpet cleaning is essential. It'll be nice to have fresh clean carpet. I'll have to be gone with the dog for about 4 hours while the carpet dries, though. And then, do I bring back my muddy puppy into the fresh carpet? Probably not. Will need to set up the hose and puppy shampoo in the backyard with some towels (now THAT will be FUN!). I also have volunteering and the usual other stuff. By Saturday I will be so ready for a day to kick back and be home with the kiddos!

Here's something interesting. When I am eating according to some plan, and I *want* some particular food that would not fit my plan that day, that food turns into the most appealing, magical, desirable food ever. I wish and wish for it. And I get a running list in my head of ten or fifteen foods I would really love to eat. I want them and think about how wonderful it would be to eat those things or to eat anything I felt like eating. It seems like it would be the most amazing experience, to be free to eat anything in any amount. I imagine each food to be so delicious, so inviting. There are so many foods I'd like to eat that I imagine how hard it would be to decide which ones to have even if I took an entire week off plan. And then, at whatever point I either *decide* to have that one amazing food, or go completely off plan and eat whatever I want, suddenly it is not so appealing. I eat that ice cream I was dreaming of, or whatever it was, and it is just okay. And then maybe I tell myself I can have anything I want and I will "start over tomorrow" or Monday or whenever. And suddenly, I can't think of anything I really want. Nothing. I have even gone into grocery stores with "permission" from myself to buy junk, and then end up wandering the aisles frustrated because I don't really want anything, and I leave, and go home and eat a chicken breast.

I know it IS the restriction itself... the thought that I can never have xyz again... that makes those off limit foods so desirable. I know that when I let that go and just allow myself to eat whatever, whenever, I no longer really give a darn what I eat. I am just as fine with a chicken breast as a piece of cake. So you might think this is *the answer* to eliminating those cravings. But it isn't. Not for ME. You know why? Because without a plan, without *some kind* of restriction even if it is calorie counting or portion size, I eat way, way too much. I put things in my mouth in the search for fulfillment. I go ahead and eat a peanut butter sandwich because nothing else is terribly appealing, and then when that doesn't satisfy I eat a burger, and then some cheese, then some banana bread. And I am sort of *meh* about all of it. Oh, I do get in a tizzy for a certain food sometimes, but once I get it, *meh*. Without a plan, I overeat, I eat things that are not good for me, I gain weight, I feel like crap. With a plan, I want things that are off plan. If no food is off plan, I want to eat quantities of it that are not conducive to health. And once I get started on certain foods like cake and ice cream, it is very, very difficult for me to stop at all.

So far the only time this cycle has been broken is while on Medifast. Eating that way the cravings and food obsession and desires all go away almost completely. I've written about it before. I am pretty sure it has to do with blood sugar levels being very stable and having most of the guesswork taken out of my eating. I have been doing a 'partial' Medifast plan lately, trying to sort of put my own spin on it and do it my way, but I've come to the conclusion that the doctors who made the plan know better than I do. I am now giving it my all, back to the plan as written because I am tired of the brain battle over food, and I really prefer the peace that comes with eating that particular way.

I guess I better get back on the scale soon.


*FTC-required disclosure: Medifast provided me with its products for my personal use for free. I am not paid or compensated in any other way for mentioning their products. Medifast states an "average weight loss of up to 2 to 5 pounds a week."*

Unstuck

Today was a good day. After a couple of weeks feeling down about my aunt's death (and thus, my own aging and mortality), I finally feel like the most part of the grieving is over. My days are picking up again in speed and intensity... not that I always like that sensation, but a lot gets done. I try to balance the urgent things and the important things with time to reflect and relax. It's a skill I have gotten quite good at over the past few years. I always used to be in a whirlwind before, unless I was at a dead standstill. I alternated between rushing, busy, frantic exhausted days and crash-and-burn, sit-home-and-binge days. I never felt quite right; my "days off" were just days wasting time, disconnecting, but not refreshing my spirit, and the hasty crazy days actually felt more like I was spinning my wheels in the mud. Yes, that's it... my life felt like I was sitting in a topless Jeep in a giant mud slick, alternating between gassing it so hard I was flinging mud all over myself, and just shutting off the ignition completely and sitting there staring at the mud and giving up.

I actually did get someplace by my efforts, though. I got five lovely children out of it, a couple of degrees, a reasonably nice home for myself, and eventually got to a place where I learned to be more even. Like now. Oh, I still have those wheel-spinning days as well as the kicked back days, but they are more moderate, and the overall picture and feel is less "muddy" and less extreme... sort of like my eating. My slow days still include more activity than my best day at 278 pounds, and my rushed days actually end with a sense of accomplishment. Like today: I hardly sat down all day. I was up early doing all the usual prep for getting kids to school, doing pet care, running errands. We had a leaky faucet that no non-professional friends have been able to fix, so I got a plumber in here to take care of it. I made appointments, get someone to come fix my cracked windshield, cleaned out the fridge and scrubbed the kitchen, checked my kids' grades and discussed them with them and helped with homework, took my daughter to dance class, made plans to chaperone a field trip, trained my dog, took my son for a haircut, made dinner, and did yardwork. None of it was a drudgery; that is one of the most amazing changes that came with weight loss. ONE errand used to exhaust me; I used to dread cleaning and pay my children to do extra chores that I was too tired to do. Everything used to be physically exhausting and emotionally overwhelming. I have more energy and stamina to do things now, but more than that, I believe in myself and know I am capable and don't sit in indecision nearly as much. I just jump in and do things that I used to put off for days or weeks or months behind bag after bag of potato chips.

Fall is my favorite season. Finally, the leaves are beginning to drop, and I am so excited to start raking! This weekend my kids and I spent an afternoon picking up the back yard, trimming plants, and cleaning out a shed. It was great fun and now when I look in my yard it makes me smile, because *we did that.* I can hardly believe that just four short years ago I was too tired to even venture into my yard, much less do yardwork or spend time outside enjoying it. Truly, this weight loss has been such a blessing to me. And I know I will feel even better as time goes on, my body heals, and I create a healthier lifestyle through taking good care of myself.

Tomorrow will be busy again, but I also really love stopping in the middle of the day, giving the dog a bone to occupy herself, and sitting down with a cup of freshly brewed coffee to read and think and just savor the peacefulness. I was never really content when I was bingeing. Never. I was always longing. But now, I have some very nice stretches of contentment. I'm sure there will always be hard days, but I don't feel stuck anymore. I am finally getting somewhere, and enjoying the journey along the way.

What Hole Are You Trying to Fill?

I woke up this morning writing a blog post in my head, word for word, including this very sentence.

What hole are you trying to fill with your eating?

I have always felt that when it came to binge eating, I was a bottomless pit that could never be filled. I used to eat and eat until I physically *could not* eat anymore and I'd still feel unsatisfied. How can one feel unsatisfied and "hungry" after eating a whole pizza, 2 cans of Coke and a box of cookies? Obviously, it is not a physical hunger. It never was. Physical hunger never drove me to eat like that. It is an emotional hunger... the subconscious desire to fill up a hole that otherwise gapes and leaves me feeling empty and vulnerable.

I think this is the case with many of us who have disordered eating. We eat because it provides not only a distraction but a literal filling sensation that draws our minds away from the very real fact that we are emotionally empty on some level. Binge eating fills a void. Instead of yearning and wanting and longing, we are indulging and being filled... but not fulfilled. It is a mirage, a sham, a pretense. Nothing is really getting filled but our stomachs and our fat cells. We are left with that void we had in the first place and wondering why the pain and aching is still there. So we eat some more.

We all have scars. We all have had gaping, painful wounds from various traumatic events in our lives, and these wounds are in various stages of healing. You can tell how healed or raw you are by how tender that wound is. Run your fingers over it. When you touch it, do you still wince? Can you imagine the raw tender edges, the bleeding, the vast emptiness inside that hole? Perhaps it is red and swollen and painful as if it were inflamed from infection. Or do you run your fingers across what used to seem like a wound that would never heal, and feel the gentle indentation of the scar where the hole has filled in and knit itself together again? Do not mistake your eating-to-fill behavior as pointing to one old, but nearly healed, scar when in fact it is about something more raw and festering. Finding which hole you are trying to fill is essential in allowing yourself to heal.

Think back. List, in your mind, the most tragic or painful events in your life. Usually these wounds involve losses of some type. Is the hole you are trying to fill in your soul from when your father left you when you were a child? Is it from some form of abuse you suffered long ago? Is the hole in your heart from someone you loved deeply who is now missing from your life? Is it your empty womb where a baby should be? Are you trying to fill a space where family should be, or perhaps it is a gaping financial wound that you are trying to recover from. There are many kinds of suffering. Yours in not wrong. It just is.

When I think personally of the traumas of my life, and sit with them and "feel" the wounds in their various stages of healing, I can tell that some things that hurt me the most are not what drives my eating behavior *now.* Pay attention; you may be surprised that what you are trying to fill is NOT what you have always thought it was.

I lost my doting, loving father decades ago. It was shocking to me and a great loss and I miss him terribly. It hurt me more deeply than anything had before. Yet that wound is not raw and gaping anymore. It is nearly completely healed, although I still miss him very much.

My mother caused many wounds to my soul in her life and more in her death. It's been a decade and some things she did still bother me, but when I feel that wound it, too, is in a stage of healing. This is a hole that drove me to eat for many years. In fact the worst, most dramatic binge in my life came shortly after her death as I tried desperately to fill that huge, frightening, life-threatening black abyss that was left when she died. Only in the past 3 years or so has the healing truly begun to close up that space. But I feel it; it is well. There will always be a scar, but it is not festering anymore. It is not the hole that needs filling.

The babies I lost left what felt like unhealable space in me. I felt as if part of my very soul was amputated when I lost those children. I thought it would never, ever heal... ever. Yet it has. Completely. What once tore me in pieces has become part of me in a natural and beautiful way. It no longer hurts. I'd never have believed it.

Many other things have happened that left me feeling wounded; much of it has healed. Only I know which wounds are still gaping. And I assure you I know what they are. Two things, two places that make me wince when I touch them. You can know yours, too. There is a difference between remembering something sorrowful and actually feeling pain when you 'go there' with an issue. Pay attention. Don't assume that your biggest sadness and sense of loss is that one big life issue that you keep replaying in your mind. That may just be a distraction from something else that you sweep under the carpet and don't want to deal with that is the *real* issue that needs healing.

And once we identify that hole, what to do? Well, this is where "not stuffing your feelings" comes in. It is painful for a reason. Perhaps it is time to put down the potato chips for a minute, lay down the diet book for a second, get off the computer for a day, and just sit with that pain and explore it. Wash it out. Understand it. Rip off the bandage, scream and cry if you need to, go through the painful cleaning-out process, and let the healing begin. I mean this in a very literal sense. Our bodies hang onto stress and sadness and the upsetting things we don't let go of. Once we stop eating to fill the hole, we can start to *truly* fill the hole, permanently, with fresh new healthy cells. It is painful to undertake, but in the long term, much less painful than sticking pizza in a gaping infected wound that really needs care and attention.

I wish nothing more than healing for each of us. I have come a long way from 3 years ago when I was still a train wreck of emotional damage that hadn't been dealt with. It takes time to pick apart the issues one by one and do what needs to be done to address them, but once such a wound has mended, life is so much more joyful.

Born to be Big

She started getting chubby when she was about 9 years old. I'd watched her grow up without a father and with an obese mother and as she hit puberty the little girl got stouter but not taller. She was short like the rest of her family... short and "heavy-set" as they put it. It was in her genes, obviously, and anyone could tell as the girl went through her teens that she was just one of those girls who was big boned. Destined to be large. Hard to imagine her thin. You know the type. Kind of like I see myself... "I could never be super thin. I am just not made that way. I have a large frame. My body is curvy." And her mother had the same body type, so, you know, no one questioned it.

And then the chubby little girl, heavy set teen, grew into her young womanhood and DECIDED to lose weight.

Poof! In less than a year, instead of the young heavy chick coming out the doorway down the street, there was a waif of a woman... a thin yet still healthy-looking young lady who most decidedly does NOT have big bones or a large frame or a body that simply MUST have an extra layer of curvy fat to look good. She looks great. She exudes happiness and energy. Frankly, I was astounded. How could this be? All this time, the woman (and her mother) had this can't-be-thin body type (visually) and now, she looks like one of those girls you see and think, "she was born with it. She just has that thin fit body type. She must have a great metabolism."

I speak from my own experience, as well as the things I hear around me. People look and take in body types and make assumptions based on how hefty or sturdy or tiny a person appears. We even make those assumptions about *ourselves.* I have. Maybe I am wrong. I was certainly wrong about her. How about her mother? My mother? Were they just more woman 'destined' to be fat because they were short and big boned and just "the heavy type?" How would anyone ever truly know what is under there unless they make the change?

Just food for thought. Makes me take a second look at the way I see myself.

The Binge, The Weight Loss, The Ideal, and The Reality

I sat here this morning, drinking my Medifast shake from a box, and I wondered if my life would ever stop being so food-centric. I thought about how I seem to be addicted, not just to sugary fatty salty processed junk food, but to *thinking* about food in a somewhat obsessive way all the time. When I am "dieting," it is the calories, fat, carbs, protein, portion sizes and meal times I obsess about. When I am bingeing, it is the planning, shopping, food variety, eating, and remorse-cycle that consumes me. When I am doing the whole "lifestyle" thing, the very mindset and planning and extreme focus on healthy eating and exercise becomes my drink. I think, nowadays, the thought process and use of "food thoughts" as distraction and diversion is more of the problem than the actual food is.

I seem to have broken my eating patterns into three planes.

One: The Binge Mindset

This is the way I was living much of the time between 1998 and 2007. I ate a lot of the tastiest foods I could find. I ate them in a frenzy, for many reasons: numbing, pleasure, self-destruction, anxiety, and indulgence. I ate so often that is was rare for me to feel even remotely hungry. I think, underlying all this frantic eating was a panic about the way my life was going, a sense of everything being out of control, and a very real fear of facing what life was giving me. While I do not live this way anymore, I get snippets of it in my life every so often, like when I "go off plan" and buy a pint of ice cream and a donut and eat it all in one evening.

Two: The Weight Loss Mindset

This is how I have eaten most of the time since August 2007. It doesn't matter so much whether I am eating a plan based on fruits, veggies, protein and whole grains or a plan made of protein shakes, bars, measured vegetables and weighed meats. Regardless of whether I am counting calories, watching portions, doing lots of exercise, doing South Beach or Medifast or some other lower carb plan, this mindset is more productive but still a bit obsessive. I obsess less about the actual food, but more about the method, the scale, and the process of losing (and/or gaining) weight.

Three: My Idealistic Plan for the Future

I see it in my mind's eye. It is confirmed and supported by lots of scientific research. It is the plan Medifast recommends after transitioning off their foods, with my own added ideal of eating mainly local, organic, free range, grass fed, in-season foods. It is how I have always pictured my eating after I am done with weight loss. I have eaten this way *during* weight loss as well, at various stages. I imagine it vividly: I drink lots of green tea, and no sodas, diet or otherwise. I avoid artificial sweeteners like the plague. Sugar never crosses my lips. I am satisfied with the sweetness of fresh local fruits, relish the indulgence of organic locally grown vegetables, and partake of moderate portions of grass fed meats and wild caught salmon and hormone free unhomogenized milk. I eat nuts and seeds and healthy fats and I am happy and skipping along la la la with a sky blue frilly lace dress flouncing about my waist and a hand-woven basket full of just-picked wildflowers over my arm. Okay, well, you get the picture. And it is idealistic. And yet I have always wanted it and imagined it and even lived it for days or weeks.

But not months. Because...

Four: Can I Ever Just Eat a Darned Snickers?

No matter what I do, it always comes back to me wanting the same processed, fatty foods. Not all the time, but once in awhile, I want to have some chips and dip or a hot dog or a candy bar. I know they are not nutritious. I know some of these foods are difficult if not impossible for me to eat in moderation. Yet I want it to be true. I want to be able to have pizza on a Friday night with my family or go to a friend's house and enjoy a piece of lasagna and garlic bread without feeling like I am committing some kind of sin. Yes, I *know* food is not immoral and there is nothing evil about eating any particular thing. I am forever getting comments from people telling me to go ahead and have one piece of cake and enjoy it, because it is okay to have a piece of cake once in awhile. But they don't understand I do not eat A PIECE of cake. I am never ever satisfied with A PIECE of cake. I want more, and if I don't have it (out of manners or unavailability) then the next day I end up buying a cake and eating half of it myself.

Yet I still want this to be true. I keep wondering if there is just some way I can fix myself and be normal again. I wonder if I just relaxed and let it be and let go of the emotional attachments I have to food, maybe I wouldn't be so obsessed. I wonder if I could just quit worrying about it and eat without thinking about it or micromanaging it but not gain weight. I always come back to the same foods that I *want.* Most of them are foods from childhood: pasta dishes, cranberry bread, cheese soup, salad with bacon and blue cheese dressing on it. Is it awful that I can't let go of the cranberry bread that my Dad used to make and I wonder if I will ever reach and maintain my goal weight because I cannot stay low carb on a day I eat a slice of cranberry bread?

I don't want to give up toast forever. I like pancakes and English muffins. I like having a nice piece of pie once in awhile. But this stuff, it doesn't fit into my idealistic plan for the future. And I am not sure how to reconcile the fact that I want a Snickers once in awhile with the plan to eat low carb, healthy, natural foods.

The logical answers are:

A) You have to give them up. Sorry, you just cannot handle cake/candy/cranberry bread. It's like an alcoholic. One drink is too many and 100 is not enough. May as well accept it and move on.
or
B) You can find a way to eat some junk food and higher carb food moderately. You can eat your idealistic plan most of the time, and the other stuff occasionally. Maybe 90/10 or something.

So that's what I've been thinking about. And to tell you the truth, that is something I have thought about every time I have gone off plan and eaten some crappy piece of junk I wished I hadn't over the past few years. I sit down and eat a donut and I wonder if I will ever have another donut again. I wonder if I am going to have to give them up completely. And it bugs me, and I think about peanut butter cups, and I have one, just in case I have to give them up and never have them again. I eat it, I savor it, I soak up every nuance of its flavor and texture and try to remember every second of the experience and I mourn while I eat it because it just might be the very last time. And then I do it again the next time I have one.

For now, I tell myself "maybe someday, but not now." I have to focus on the weight loss if that is still what I want. And honestly, if I could eat a moderate healthy diet and still have some donuts or cupcakes here and there, and stay around 185 pounds forever, I would be very tempted to do it. I am comfortable and happy for the most part with this weight. But I know for my health's sake, more has to come off... for my knees, for my heart, and to help lower the cancer risk. So I keep going.

I will figure it out. It just takes time.

Opening Up Again, Stretch Pants, and a Plus Sized Illusion

I'm not really sure where I am right now. I mean, yes, I am home on the couch sipping coffee, but I am not sure where my head is. All week, thoughts about posting here have flitted through my head. Thoughts and ideas are so jumbled, not just about weight loss or about blogging, but about life. I have been shutting down and bottling up my feelings since my aunt died... not really talking to anyone about anything of importance, not typing it out, either. Blogging has been my outlet, my way of sorting out emotions and dealing with issues and releasing things that are bothering me or knocking around in my brain, and that stopped. I stopped letting it out at all. I turned back to closing off and just avoiding and ignoring and pretending. This is really not a good strategy for me, so this is my attempt to *begin* letting it flow again... cracking the barrier I've put up around myself and releasing some of the built-up pressure behind the wall.

I am emotionally frazzled. I am upset about my aunt dying, about not being able to go to the funeral or visit my family or even make plans for a future visit. I miss my oldest son who moved to another state and is going to college there and I don't know when I will get to see him. My third oldest turned 18 and now I only have two 'minors' and it has been an emotional roller coaster with me feeling my age and trying to find a new role besides "mommy", and though four of my kids still live with me and I am proud of their independence, I miss my babies. I didn't even realize it until the other day I was in the store and walked down an aisle and glanced up and saw some of those cheap plastic teething rings you freeze and give to babies, and I actually got choked up and felt like crying. In the same aisle the smell of the clean new diapers and baby powder washed over me just as I was having those flashbacks to my sweet infants chewing those teething rings... wasn't it just yesterday?... and I wanted to go back, back, back in time to when these very grown-up boys were snuggled safe in my arms and I kissed their cute chubby little feet. I am not kidding, the time whizzed by and my little guys morphed ever so quickly into men, and oh how I miss my little tribe.

It's all one thing. It's all about time passing, people growing old and dying, *myself* getting older and seasons changing. It is not a bad thing. It is life. But it has hit me all at once as I try to grab onto every second before it is gone, as I frantically try to soak up every second with my last 'baby' as she sits on my lap in the evening for stories. I savor every minute, not only with her, but with my boys, because I love them all so much.

There are other things, but this is enough for now.

The eating:

I sort of linger around the low carb and Medifast. I wander off. I don't really have the focus I need to see the scale going down. At least, I think not. I have not been on the scale in several weeks. I have my pants, though. My jeans that have no elastic and are unforgiving always tell me how I am doing. I know I am within the same 5 pounds or so. When the jeans feel more snug, I naturally cut back. They feel okay. But I totally understand how the weight regain thing happens to people. I really get it now. There is this sort of "lalalalala I can't hear you" thing that happens when you just don't want to deal with/acknowledge/think about weight anymore and you stop getting on the scale and stop any efforts in the weight loss direction and tell yourself it is okay and it is just a couple pounds and you'll catch it before it gets out of control again, and all the while your fingers are in your ears and you're lalala-ing away with a pan of lemon bars in your lap. And let me tell you, the only thing standing between me and that is the jeans. If I let myself wear stretch pants, all bets would be off. I could gain it all back in about 8 months, and it would go by in a flash. Poof! 300 pounds. Just like that. Because in stretch pants, you feel the same. They support the delusion. You haven't gained THAT much weight. Your clothes are comfortable. Oh they get holes in the thighs and you go to buy new ones and somehow you need a *slightly* bigger size but of course that's because they are a different brand, right? And you and your black stretch pants just grow and grow and before you know it, you take your fingers out of your ears and stop singing and eating and look down to find yourself 50 or 100 pounds heavier. And you say, "how did I let this happen??" Well, that is how. Throw out the stretch pants and get some unforgiving jeans, and they will reality check you into being unable to regain more than 5 or 10 pounds. Seriously. Throw out the stretch pants.

Anyway, odd things with the eating: I find that even if I give in to my cravings, nothing really tastes that good. Oh, things are okay, but not fantastic. I have given myself more leeway lately than I should for weight loss, but out of all the little bites and tastes and yummy things I have had over the past 2 weeks, there was only one food I ate that I'd call 'delicious.' It was fresh kiwifruit. Yep, I've had some off plan stuff, but nothing came close to the amazing flavor of that fresh, cold kiwi. It was just heavenly. None of the other crap I ate was even close. I also find that when I go out for dinner, I not only order the small version of whatever dish I am getting, but also can only eat half of it. Half a small, and take the rest home and give it to a kid. I would say my appetite is pretty normal now. I can't/don't want to put away the amounts that I used to.

Yesterday, I went to a clothing store to find some pants for my daughter. Something very odd happened that I have not experienced in more than a year... maybe two. I was walking through the ladies clothing section and thought I would look for a sweater for myself. I wear a Ladies medium for the most part... maybe a large if I want a very loose fit. So I am looking and don't like anything, and I look ahead and see the Women's Plus section. And I find myself thinking I need to shop there. I go over and start looking at the plus sized sweaters. I find some I like. I start looking through them AS IF I were still over 250 pounds. I was there in my brain. I find myself thinking I need a 2X. I look at the 1X's and think they are too small and would be too tight. I wonder if a 2X would be about right. And even though my brain knows darn well that these would just be way, way too big on me, my eyes are seeing sweaters MY SIZE. And I finally just had to tell myself to knock it off, that it is not a good thing to be visualizing myself at 250 pounds, and to get the heck out of the plus sized clothing section.

Well, that's all for now. Maybe now that I have gotten some things out, I will be able to write more and stop shutting off my thoughts and feelings. Thank you for listening.

What Are You At Getting Terribly Fat? What Are We Teaching Our Children?

What do you get when you guzzle down sweets?
Eating as much as an elephant eats
What are you at getting terribly fat?
What do you think will come of that?
I don't like the look of it...

Those are the lyrics to the oompa loompa song in the movie, "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory." Do you remember them? Do you remember little fat Augustus Gloop and his big fat mother Mrs. Gloop and how the boy, described in the original novel as having "fat bulging from every fold, with two greedy eyes peering out of his doughball of a head", ate and ate and ate while his mother encouraged him in this 'hobby' and smiled in approval? Augustus met his demise when he defied Willy Wonka's orders, bent over to drink from a chocolate river, fell in, and was sucked into a tube leading to the fudge room. Then, in a warning to children everywhere against gluttony, the oompa loompas sing the above song.

Four times in the past six months I have heard this song and its lyrics in public performances by children under the age of 12. Four times, large audiences of adults and kids of every shape, size, and background listened. Four times, I wondered, is this a good message for our kids? A funny one? A judgemental one?

Do I want my daughter singing that?

Maybe no one took offense. Maybe no one was bothered by the lyrics. Maybe they are true.

What are you at getting terribly fat?
What do you think will come of that?
I don't like the look of it.

I admit it. I cringed a little. I may have cringed a lot more had I been 278 pounds when I sat in that audience and listened to it. It feels a little personal, to me, having kids singing that song, wondering if everyone is looking at me as a glutton, wondering if they don't like the look of fat people. What about fat kids? All the kids singing or dancing were an average weight or thinner. Will they sing it or think it or say it to the next fat kid they see at school? Is it just a silly, harmless little song to teach about the consequences of gluttony? Or something more?

I don't like the look of it.

Do I really want my kids to make that kind of judgement? Is this telling them that fat people, larger people, cannot be attractive? Is this the beginning of an attitude of superiority and negativity towards people with a different body type?

I have to wonder.

My daughter skipped down the sidewalk on the way to first grade, singing.

What are you at getting terribly fat?
What do you think will come of that?
I don't like the look of it.

I took a moment. It's a silly song. She meant no harm. She loves the rhyme and the beat and the story. Yet it is imperative that we teach our children how to be compassionate, how to think about things from another's point of view. We have to explain to them how words can hurt others. We have to explain it gently to the young ones, because they mean no harm but need to know.

My daughter above all people I know has no judgement of people for their body type. Since she was very small she has loved and accepted people regardless of their skin color, disability, size, or other differences. She is a kind and compassionate girl by nature and by nurture.

Would I allow her to sing that song on the stage if she were part of the performance?
Would I encourage her to dance and pat her belly in gesture of the 'terribly fat' lyrics if her class were performing it?
What would this teach my child?

Maybe we are oversensitive as a society. Or maybe we are not sensitive enough.

What do you think?

Feeling Low

I had to take a little bloggy break. Truth be told, I don't feel like posting or thinking about weight or any of that, but I wanted to give an update so people wouldn't worry something happened to me.

My aunt passed away last week. We were closer when I was little, and had only seen each other for about a week two summers ago when I travelled back east to see her. It was a wonderful visit full of family stories and pictures and hugs. I felt connected once again to family who live so far away. This aunt was my mother's best friend before I was born. She knew my mother better than anyone alive. I had hoped to talk with her more about what my parents were like when they were dating, what my mother was like before and after I was born, what went wrong. But sadly, I won't get to do that. She passed away and I didn't get to say goodbye.

I feel bad. I feel guilty for not calling her that week but I didn't know she would be gone so soon. I feel empty because now there is almost no one left. My father died when I was 20, his parents long before, and he had no siblings. My other set of grandparents are also long gone, and all my uncles have passed years ago. I feel such a loss because I don't have a shared history with anyone. I have 2 aunts left and then the entire generation of my parents will be gone. I can't help but think "we're next." I can't help but feel sad that so few people are left that knew my parents and knew me as a child.

Anyway, if I sound sad, I am. Not only about the death, but because I currently have *the worst* PMS I have had in years right now. I am nauseous, sick, headachey, whiney, cranky, tired, crampy, and teary. I have had such an improvement in PMS over the years but this whole week has been awful. I am going to the doctor to see if the fibroid/cyst issues are contributing and to see if anything needs to be done. Probably in a week or two. But for now, I have been feeling a bit withdrawn. I am still making myself get out and live life, doing stuff with my kids and my dog, and that is what is keeping me going.

Thank you for the concern and good thoughts. Hopefully I will feel better in a day or two.