Learning to Live at Under 200 Pounds

With the exception of about a week where my weight slipped into the 201-205 range, I have solidly spent the last 15 months under the 200 pound mark. Before I hit 199 in June 2010, I had been over 200 pounds for more than 12 YEARS, the vast majority of that time over 240, and sometimes getting quite close to 300 pounds.

I feel like a completely different person in some ways. My lifestyle has been remodeled and updated, and the way I live my life is something like a rebirth. It has been tricky to learn to live at under 200 pounds, but since that is where I want to be for the rest of my life, I am working at it.

My life was limited when I weighed 278 pounds. I remember how I couldn't walk a block without being exhausted and sore. I couldn't carry things far at all, including my own baby. Vacuuming ONE ROOM would put me into a soaked, sweating, panting, red-faced exhaustion. I absolutely dreaded mopping or raking and was always trying to pawn those duties off on other people because they were so painful and difficult for me. My focus was on my kids, but I could not fully participate in their lives. My secondary focus was on food, and the biggest pleasure in my life was eating brownie batter alone in the kitchen. But it was sad. I felt trapped. I didn't think it was remotely possible for me to lose 100 pounds. It was a mountain and I was in no shape to climb it.

My life is so much different now. I can walk for miles before I need to stop due to arthritis. I lift and carry, I vacuum with very minimal effort, and I actually *enjoy* mopping and raking. I was offered a leaf blower last year and without a second's hesitation I turned it down, because I *love* to rake. Most of the time, I don't dwell on food thoughts anymore. Oh I have my moments, or days, like this week (PMS + party food exposure), but it is nothing, NOTHING like the obsession of the past. I can think now. I have more clarity and I can set goals beyond what Value Meal to buy while my kids are in school.

Today was the first really chilly day we've had this fall. I was digging around trying to find something cozy to wear over top of my thin shirt. I got rid of pretty much all of my 'big' clothes and have nothing over a size 14 in the house, and I don't have a whole lot of sweaters. The few I bought last fall are just a titch snug on me (I am about 10 pounds heavier than last October)... they fit but not loosely enough for my comfort. So I dug around and found a couple sweaters I'd saved even though they are bigger. I remember buying them when I was probably in the 220's and how excited I was to purchase these soft, pretty sweaters! They were a little tight but I loved them and figured I could still wear them as I lost weight because I like roomy sweaters.

So I pulled one out and honestly my first thought was "I hope this still fits" (as in, hope it is not too tight) and was shocked to see that it is a size 2X. Wow, a 2X? And then I remember that my clothes used to be all 3X and above, and my 'roomy' sweaters were 4X and even one 5X.

I put it on. Good heavens. The sleeves are so long they cover my hands. I can hold the front of the sweater out and could easily fit a grade school child inside with me. And I thought, "It is really different living at under 200 pounds."

I am wearing that sweater right now. It is cable knit and soft and the color of oatmeal. I couldn't wear it out in public, because it is really huge on me, but it is cozy for a chilly fall morning around the house. And it reminds me. I hold out the sides and am acutely aware that my body used to fill up all that space.

I AM a new person. I AM reborn. I am not sure exactly when it happened but I am mentally and physically loads lighter and completely transformed.

Losing more weight has been a struggle for me, but I am proud of maintaining a huge loss and staying under 200 for nearly all of the past 15 months. I will keep working at it, and hope to open a new chapter living at a 'normal' BMI someday soon.

Fatty Stuff, Stomach Pains

You know what's crazy? Ever since those parties (where I didn't eat anything and stayed on plan), I have had the worst time ignoring my food thoughts. I keep thinking about that darned cake and how much I'd like to make it. I think about fast food even though I swore off it 2 years ago. I think about all kinds of junk. But I don't go buy it. I have continued eating low carb, but my fat intake has gone up a LOT over the past 2 days.

Instead of a true "lean and green" meal with lean protein and lots of veggies, yesterday I ate a burger with bacon and cheese on it... NO bun. And instead of my last Medifast meal of the day, I ate 2 slices of full fat cheese. And 3 pieces of bacon. Today, when I dropped my little girl off at school, I was really fighting the desire to go get a very off-plan, fatty, carby breakfast, but instead I came home, made a low carb/high protein "biscuit" out of Medifast cream of chicken soup powder, and cooked some Egg Beaters, turkey sausage, and light cheese to make a breakfast sandwich that is on plan. However I also ate 3 more slices of regular, full fat cheese as a snack today.

I seem to get hooked on cheese often. Bacon, too. They are low carb and so I get it in my head that they are okay to eat because I am still within my carbs for the day. Bacon and cheese just so happened to be my undoing when I was on South Beach diet as well. I somehow convinced myself that as long as my carbs were low enough, eating half a brick of cream cheese and 6 pieces of bacon was okay.

It's not.

I have not gone *quite* that far overboard the last 2 days, and my weight is stable, but I know all the fat and salt are not good for my body. (At this point someone always says, "Stop buying cheese and bacon!" But I am not the one buying it. The other adults in the house who contribute to the pantry have been very good about not buying chips, cookies, cakes, muffins, white bread, ice cream, etc etc and I am not going to tell them they can't even have cheese in the house either. And I have two kids who benefit nutritionally from cheese as a fat/protein source. So, you know, I feel this is my issue at this point.) I can definitely knock it off just by cracking down and telling myself to stop it. But I find it very interesting that I *want* cheese and bacon all the time, and eat those on occasion, but will not dive into carby stuff or sugar basically because I know once I start those things, it is very very hard to stop. I can stop cheese and bacon without too much work, but stopping cake? Wow, now that is suffering.

And yes, I get stomach pains when I eat cheese or bacon. That should be enough to make me knock it off. I am getting my act together right now, planning a healthier dinner for tonight (but not sure exactly what yet!)

That's all for now.

Update on the Parties

Just wanted to update after a day at social occasions/parties.

These were nothing fancy, just regular folks in casual circumstances, but food always seems to be part of every social occasion. I knew it was coming; I posted about it this morning. I ate before I went. In fact, today I had some stomach pains that were rather disconcerting, which I chalk up to having too much fat yesterday as I blogged about earlier. It's happened before (the pains) and someone pointed out to me that it may be a gallbladder issue due to eating too much fat some days. I tend to agree. It scares me. A lot. I will have to see a doctor about it at some point.

Anyway, that pain was enough (if my own willpower wasn't) to keep me from indulging at these parties. At the first one there was freshly baked (real) pizza and pitchers of my old favorite, icy cold Coke (but no diet). They also had not one, but TWO cakes and ice cream. I helped serve the children and sat on the sidelines while everyone, including all of the adults, enjoyed the wonderful-smelling, tempting food. I felt left out, I admit it. I know it wasn't logical but there really was not much conversation going on except "oh wow this is yummy" as everyone was eating. I felt bad. I wondered if I would ever be able to eat that kind of thing again. Probably not. I can't seem to stop at one piece of anything like that. As I sat there I felt like I was in a bubble, alone. It was a crappy feeling. But it only lasted about 10 or 15 minutes, and then everyone was done eating and I could just enjoy the social occasion.

At the second party it was worse (better food) because there were open bowls of various kinds of chips, Cheetos, crackers, and Doritos sitting out as well as sugared drinks. I really, really like Doritos. I know they are bad for me. But I used to eat a whole bag, dipping them in sour cream. I sort of miss it even though I don't want to. It's a flavor thing. They taste good. They feel addictive. I like it. But I don't. Anyway, I managed to avoid those, ate the protein bar in my purse, drank some water. And then out came the yummy looking cake, and the ice cream sundae bar. All those toppings... candies, cookies, sauces, whipped cream, nuts... spread out for the taking. And I was helping serve, watching all the people making their sundaes, and you can bet that I wanted one. At this party, it was not the fear of a gall bladder attack that kept me from eating. It was fear of arthritis pain. If I eat sugary stuff, my joints hurt and ache so badly I have to take medication. Plus once I start I cannot stop and I didn't want to be 10 pounds heavier in a week from bingeing. So I didn't have any. And then they had another dessert, another cake that was homemade and looked and smelled just divine, and every other adult in the place was having some with ice cream on top, and gushing about how absolutely delicious it was, you have to try this, it is sooo good, and once again I was in my bubble, not joining in the group experience of this dessert.

I am not saying I didn't enjoy myself. The eating was only a small part of each occasion. But I will not kid you and say it isn't hard for me. It is hard. I wanted some of that food sooo badly. I was at that point of being *almost* willing to jump in with abandon, say screw it once again, eat what I wanted for a couple days and then get back on plan later. But the fear of medical repercussions kept me away from doing that. I fear the pain more than I dread that fat at this point.

I came home and made myself a completely on-plan, delicious dinner. In a nonstick pan, I sauteed 1.5 cups of chopped vegetables (green onions, mushrooms, green peppers, fresh tomatoes, baby spinach) with 1/2 cup of turkey sausage crumbles. Then I scrambled in 1/2 cup of Egg Beaters and when it was set, topped it all with 1/2 cup of shredded low fat sharp cheddar. It was very satisfying with a cup of decaf.

I know there are times food doesn't bother me at all, but this is not one of those times. Just the past two days have been a struggle. Hopefully it will pass and things will be easier again shortly.

Weigh In

I posted very late last night about the difficulty I had yesterday, but here's my short update for today.

I have two social occasions to attend today where there will be pizza, soda, cake, ice cream, and other various foods (who knows what else!) Social occasions have been triggers for me in the past. I decided to eat before I go, bring a protein bar in my purse and a water bottle in my car, and not eat anything at either party UNLESS there is a veggie tray or an on-plan protein source. Other foods are not an option today.

Scale says: 189 (-3 pounds this week).

Salad-Driven Cravings

Today was a pleasant day out with my little girl. She has been asking me to take her out to lunch, as we have not done that in awhile, so I decided to take her to this new place that opened recently near my home. It's a home cooking kind of place, and I did my homework by looking up the menu online ahead of time and making my choice for lunch. I have always been a fan of Cobb Salad; at home, I make it with lots of greens, tomatoes, black olives, a hard boiled egg, grilled chicken, cukes, mushrooms, and light cheese. If I have room in my plan for some fat, I go ahead and have a bit of avocado and crumbled bacon, too... just a touch, for the flavor. I saw that the Cobb at this place had "salad with tomatoes, avocado, chicken, egg, blue cheese, cheddar cheese, bacon, and blue cheese dressing." I figured I could alter it to lower the fat and up the veggies by saying "GRILLED chicken, no avocado, no cheddar, and please add spinach and mushrooms, with light Ranch dressing on the side." I usually pick off most of the bacon and leave a few pieces for flavor.

However, I got distracted while trying to help my daughter decide which kind of juice she wanted (which can be complicated for a 6-year-old), and while I got in most of my accommodations, I forgot to ask for the spinach and mushrooms and also forgot to say "leave off the avocado." So my salad was not quite as I wanted it, but I didn't figure that out until I was delving in and the waitress had disappeared. Oh well. I moved some bacon aside, decided a few bites of the avocado would be okay, and enjoyed my salad.

Apparently this (or something else? Watching other people eat plates of mac n cheese, burgers, fried sandwiches, biscuits and gravy?) set off the craving bells in my head, because later in the afternoon I was suddenly not only hungry but famished, and wanting to eat eat eat. It was not pleasant. I was doing the pace the kitchen thing. I was messing around in the fridge. I ended up doing a modified (4 & 2) Medifast day where you get to eat 4 Medifast meals and 2 regular meals (instead of 5 & 1). My second meal was also a bit too high in fat: scrambled Egg Beaters, tomatoes, broccoli, green onions, mushrooms, green peppers, and lean turkey sausage... smothered in melted cheese. Yep, the only thing off plan was the cheese, but boy what a caloric punch that packs. Anyway, I did fine the rest of the day, eating wise, stayed on plan, drank some diet sodas, hung in there. Visions of chips and cakes were totally dancing in my head though. I had to really fight not to give in, but I made it through.

I think the whole setup... reading a menu full of descriptions of tasty off plan foods, seeing other people eat it, smelling it, thinking about it... just doesn't work well for me. I am not sure how to handle it long term, except to be more careful about what types of places I will or will not eat. I already swore off fast food. I recently decided to avoid buffets. Maybe homestyle diners will have to be off the table, too. It kind of makes me sad that I am so weak that I cannot handle being around certain foods without flipping out about it later, but it is what it is. Pretending it is not an issue helps nothing. Thankfully I seem to have no issues at some other restaurants, where I can get perfectly on plan dinners like fresh fish, cleaner salads, and steamed vegetables, so I do still have options to go out with friends or family once in awhile. It just sucks that I have to cut out things I have always enjoyed in order to get something I have always wanted. I do believe it is worth it though.

Reality, and Learning to Accept Change

I think I am recovered from my head cold now. At least, mostly recovered. I am still tired! But the kids are better too (daughter missed one day of school and son missed two). Thankful for my better health!

I had a moment today where I was really self-conscious and maybe a tad upset about my body. I was sitting on a bench and happened to catch my reflection in a large window across from me. Now, I realize I am 12ish pounds heavier than I was in those "after" pictures up in the corner of my blog, but to ME, the person in the reflection looked far, far heavier. I try not to be critical of my body, and to think positive thoughts, but when I looked I was really sad and felt embarrassed and instinctively crossed my arms over my body to try and hide the flab. And that just made the arm fat pop out worse. Sigh.

I wonder if the losing/gaining/losing/gaining thing has redistributed my fat to my waist. I had my waist under control a year ago, and now it is causing me trouble when I sit. It sort of turns into a roll. I don't like that AT ALL. Seems to me that all 30 pounds I regained went directly to my waist and belly. 

I find myself hoping that when the rest of the weight comes off, I will feel better about how I look. I usually focus on the health benefits and all that important stuff, but let's face it. Most of us want to look okay too. I remember last time I weighed in the 180s I started to see these things (more loose arm skin, hanging parts, wrinkly skin on my neck) and it was SO SO disconcerting to me that I think that is part of why I went off plan and started bingeing again. As much as I hated weighing MORE, it was also more familiar and comfortable. It was, in a way, easier to cope with the struggle of weight loss and binge eating than to struggle with the way my body was transforming into something I didn't expect nor recognize. So this time around, I am making sure I acknowledge these feelings, feel them (not stuff them) and, if I need to, cry or be scared or mourn whatever it is I feel I am losing. It's part of the process, for me. I have to feel it and deal with it.

And so, that image of myself with the boobs too low and the roll around my waist and the belly looking a bit swollen is burned into my brain, and I see it frequently, and want to change it. I know I can change it. I also know that I cannot imagine nor predict how my body will look and feel to me 20 or 30 pounds from now. I just have to experience it as it happens. I can see it, feel it, let it go, and then move on to celebrating the positive. And that is just what I intend to do.

Low Carb Loaded Baked Potato Soup... with No Potatoes!

Here's a recipe you are going to LOVE if you are trying to watch your carbs or increase your intake of non-starchy veggies! This Loaded 'Baked Potato' Soup is made from cauliflower instead of potatoes, but it's really hard to tell! It is creamy and smooth, rich tasting and delicious while being good for you, too! I got this recipe from Sandy's Kitchen, and tweaked it slightly. It is *very* easy to make, even for inexperienced cooks, and really hit the spot for me (I am sick today).

Low Carb Loaded Baked Potato Soup

Put 1 1/2 cups of chopped fresh cauliflower in a small pot with 1 cup of chicken broth. Bring to a boil, cover, and simmer for 15 minutes (you can use frozen cauliflower; just cook until very soft). Remove from heat and add 3 wedges of Garlic Herb Laughing Cow Light cheese and a few shakes of black pepper. Use a stick blender to puree until smooth, or cool to warm and puree in the regular blender. Pour into a large bowl and top with 1 Tbsp sliced green onions, 2 Tbsp 2% reduced fat sharp cheddar, and 1 tsp bacon bits.

This is sooo yummy. You can also make substitutions if you like; instead of green onions, you can use fresh chives, and instead of Laughing Cow cheese you can use regular or light cream cheese plus some garlic powder. On Medifast, this whole recipe equals your entire Green serving for the day, 1/8 of your Lean, and about 1.25 condiments as well as 1.5 fats. The bacon bits are not technically on plan but only contain something like 10 calories, so you decide! For those who count calories or carbs, here is the nutritional breakdown for this recipe, including the toppings:

214 calories
9 g fat
12 g carbs
5 g fiber
15 g protein
and 139% of your RDA of vitamin C!

This is going into the regular rotation. It is that good. Enjoy!

Coping with Binge Triggers

In my recent Screw-up Analysis post, I talked about how I looked back over the years and can see that the most likely times for me to go off plan and/or binge included "when I am sick or in pain." I should have added "when I am extremely stressed out."

I have a habit of eating for comfort and distraction, it's true. Food takes the edge off, relieves the tension, helps me forget the problems for awhile. It has been my coping mechanism for a very long time.

I am sick today, worse than yesterday. I am miserable. All I want to do is sleep. But instead, I had to go to the store, and then came home to find my senior dog covered in diarrhea. After that, another pressing issue came even further to light via a phone call. And then, my adult-but-immature son caused me extreme stress for about an hour and a half.

I cried. I stomped around angry. I did some laundry. I sat down and stared at the wall for a bit. I took medication. I went and laid on my bed with the door shut and stared at the ceiling, wishing the pain away. I thought about why things are the way they are and possible scenarios for outcomes. I cried some more. I went in the kitchen and washed and sliced 2 large packages of mushrooms and sauteed them for future use. I made an extra cup of coffee. I vented to a friend. I cried some more, thought some more, took some deep breaths. I came here and wrote.

Food doesn't solve anything. It doesn't take the sickness or the pain away, it doesn't make people behave the way I wish they would behave. It doesn't make me rich or pay the bills or clean up the dog's diarrhea or make all my problems magically disappear. It pretends to, but after you eat it, the mess is still there. The problems are still there, and you are worse off not having spent any time feeling the feelings, thinking things through or solving the issues. May as well grow up and deal with things rather than avoid them and self-medicate by eating.

I was planning to make a nice pot of soup today, but I am just not up to it. I am drained and still have to take my daughter to dance. I am just going to mix some of those mushrooms in with a piece of leftover low carb meat lasagna from the other day and call it good. Maybe I will make the soup tomorrow.

Sicker but Still Cookin'

I am sicker today. I guess it is just a bad head cold with a sore throat but if it hangs on much longer I'll go get checked out. I tried to rest yesterday between taking my daughter to and from school and dance, but I think I pushed it too far by going to obedience class with my dog at 8pm. I thought I was feeling better around 7, but by 9 I was just ready to crash. I don't have anything I have to do today except the school/dance runs and a trip to the store for dog food. My main fear is that this will turn into a sinus infection; I am prone to them, they get very bad like the one this past winter and I end up in Urgent Care in severe pain with a staph infection. Gotta hate that.

If you missed the last two recipes I posted (pea-less Split Pea Soup and noodle-less Lasagna), check them out. They are really good on a fall day. I will have another recipe later today for potato-less Loaded Baked Potato Soup, so come check it out. I would not be cooking, except I find it very hard to eat my veggies when I am sick and this soup will fit the bill while being warm and soothing. I think it will be very easy to make so as long as it turns out, I will post the recipe and pictures later. I might make it for lunch.

Catch you later!

Sick

My little girl is all better and back to school, but now I am the one who's sick. Achy, tired, sore throat, sniffles, bit of a stomachache. Ugh. I so do not need this right now. I want to go to bed and sleep a few hours but my brain just won't turn off for me to take a nap. The dog is getting into everything too. I need to take her out to play and run.

So far I am staying on plan still. I made myself a low carb biscuit sandwich this morning from a biscuit made of a packet of Medifast chicken soup, some scrambled egg beaters, a Morningstar Farms sausage patty, and a slice of low fat cheese. That, with some sugar free vanilla coffee and some Sunrise Orange Crystal Light, felt like a nice comforting breakfast without the carbs and grease of the usual breakfast biscuit.

Extra fluids, rest, and chicken soup are in my plans for today. I am stressed out due to personal stuff, and I think my stress level contributed to my getting sick.

Still weighing 192 and hoping to see that go down this week.

Low Carb Split Pea Soup

Yep, two great recipe posts in a row! I am on a roll, sitting home with a sick kid and figuring out yummy stuff to cook.

Today, my son asked me to make a pot of my awesome split pea soup. When I got that started simmering on the stove, the smell had me pining for a bowl of that yummy soup. But peas, and split peas, are too high carb for me to eat on Medifast or on a low carb plan. What to do?

I searched and searched but most of the low carb split pea soups I found online had lots of fat in them from heavy cream. Finally, I came across this recipe on Linda's Low Carb site (a favorite site of mine). I had to change it up a bit to make it Medifast-friendly, but I got it done and it was delicious! This is something you can make for a cozy fall or winter meal; it is far lower in carbs than traditional split pea soup. It's a nice alternative for those of us who are watching our carbs.

Low Carb Split Pea Soup

Start with 4 cups of your best low sodium chicken stock, homemade or otherwise. If you have a ham bone to simmer in this for an hour, that is fantastic (strain and then skim the fat when you're done). If you are using store bought, you probably want to season it nicely with a few shakes of garlic, onion powder, parsley, thyme, and marjoram. You can add ham bouillon too if you like, but watch the salt!

Bring the stock to a boil and add 1 1/2 cups of cauliflower (I used raw but frozen is fine) and 1 1/2 cups of frozen green beans. (The veggies will cook down to a perfect Medifast Green portion). Cover and simmer gently for about 20 minutes. Then, remove from heat and *carefully* puree with a stick blender until smooth. Do not burn yourself. If you don't have a stick blender, cool your soup to room temperature and use a regular blender and return it to the pan.

Add 10 ounces of lean ham. Try to find the leanest, lowest sodium ham possible; cubes of ham steak or ham shredded from the simmered bone works well. Watch the carbs in your ham! It should be close to 0; do not use honey ham or brown sugar ham. You can also use a smoked turkey leg as the original recipe calls for. Ham is "generally not recommended" on Medifast because of the sodium content, but Nutrition Support has stated that 5 ounces of lean ham can be used as a Lean on occasion. Also, add 1/2 cup of diced celery. Return to a simmer, partially cover and let cook another 30 minutes, stirring occasionally. Add black pepper to taste.

Let this cool for ten minutes, uncovered. It will thicken slightly. Divide into two equal portions and enjoy!
Each portion is one complete Medifast Lean & Green plus whatever condiments you used.
For calorie counters, here are the stats for one serving (half the recipe):
250 calories
6 g fat
13 g carbs
5 g fiber
32 g protein

Each serving is actually close to two cups of soup! This is a very filling and yummy meal and tastes a heck of a lot like split pea soup. Remember, this is a very simple recipe so use good stock and a good ham for best results. Enjoy!

Low Carb Meat Lasagna

Here's a recipe you will love, whether you're on Medifast or eating low carb or just want something healthy and delicious for dinner that does not involve noodles! In fact, I like this *better* than traditional lasagna!

I got the recipe from Sandy's Kitchen, where Sandy tweaked George Stella's low carb meat lasagna to fit the Medifast Lean & Green guidelines. Here's my take on it:

Brown some extra lean ground beef. Drain and rinse with hot water to remove most of the fat. If you are on Medifast, measure out 10 ounces of cooked meat for this dish. If you're not, just brown a pound or so and call it good.

Get yourself a 14 ounce can of diced Italian tomatoes. They should have 5 grams of carbs or less per half cup; check the label. Drain some of the juice off and measure out 1 cup of tomatoes and throw that in with the cooked beef. (If you're not on Medifast and thus don't need precise measurements, just go ahead and use the whole can of tomatoes in there). Add a clove of fresh garlic, minced or 1/4 tsp garlic powder, a few shakes of Italian seasoning, and 1/8 tsp black pepper. Stir and simmer for about 10 minutes or until almost all the liquid has evaporated. It should be wet/saucy, but not watery at all.

Put that meat mixture in an 8 by 8 inch baking dish sprayed with Pam.

In another bowl, mix:
1/2 c part skim ricotta
3/4 c shredded reduced fat mozzarella cheese
3T Parmesan cheese
2 Tbsp egg beaters
1/4 tsp garlic powder
a few shakes of black pepper
a few shakes of dried parsley

Mix those ingredients well and then spread them over the meat mixture in the dish. It helps to drop spoonfuls all over the top and then sort of smoosh them together to make a layer.

Now take 3/4 c shredded reduced fat mozzarella cheese and sprinkle it evenly over the top.

Bake at 350 degrees for about 40 minutes.

Straight out of the oven, cooling a bit:

Let it cool for ten minutes. Cut into fourths.

This recipe makes four servings. Each serving, on Medifast, counts as 1 complete Lean portion and one half of 1 Green, plus 2 condiments. So you will need to add 2 1/2 more Green servings to make this meal complete, like so:



A nice salad rounds out this meal.

I think this is delicious. Next time, I am going to make it a little differently, though. There is a LOT of meat and cheese and it is therefore heavy and rich. I think it would be fabulous with extra tomatoes and sauteed mushrooms. So, next time, I will double the tomatoes and add a cup or two of sliced, cooked mushrooms to the meat mixture. You could also thinly slice some zucchini or eggplant and layer them in there like noodles. I think green beans would go well with this too.

For those who count calories or carbs, here's a nutritional breakdown of the recipe as I made it tonight.
1/4 of recipe contains:
291 calories
15.5 g fat
6 g carbs
35 g protein

I froze the remaining 3 servings and will have them on some busy night later in the month. Convenience food at its finest! Enjoy!

Weigh In, and Blogger Issues

Just a short one this morning. Last Sunday I weighed 194. I stayed on plan all week, did some walking, and am mid-cycle so didn't expect a big loss (or even any loss) especially after losing 11 pounds over the past 2 weeks. But today I weighed in at 192, so I got a 2 pound loss this week. I am good with that!

I have noticed a lot of people are having issues with Blogger (Blogspot blogs) and some people are freaking out, closing their blogs, thinking they have a virus or were hacked, etc. I just wanted to mention two issues:

1. Being unable to comment on other blogs, or others not being able to comment on your blog: this is a known issue that popped up over the past few months with Blogger. Not sure why, but the solution seems to be simple. When you log into your Blogger account, there is a little box underneath that says "keep me signed in." DO NOT CHECK THE BOX. Yes, you will have to re-sign in every day, but you should then have no problems commenting on other people's blogs.

2. Malware warnings when going to other blogs, or others getting malware warnings about your blog. This appears to be a blogroll issue. If someone has a blogroll, and a blog on that blogroll installs malware, then everyone who has that blog on their blogroll will have a malware warning on their site. The solution is to delete the offending blog from your blogroll. (They may be offending because someone on THEIR blogroll has malware and they don't know it!) But the nice thing to do is email the blog that causes the warning, if you can determine who it is, so they can try and fix it. If you can't figure out who it is, just take your blogroll down until this issue is resolved. Don't panic. If you have a decent security program on your computer, you should be fine. You get a warning to let you know, while the software is protecting you. There are good, free security programs available online, such as avast!, avira, and avg. Do a scan if you are concerned.

If you currently get any such warnings on my blog, let me know. There was an issue last week with a few people getting warnings but that should be fixed now (it was a blogroll issue).

Hope you all have a great week!

Hot Cocoa Comparison

It got cool here all of a sudden. After weeks in the high 80's and 90's, a day in the 60's is welcome! As I am sitting here sipping my Medifast Hot Cocoa, I started thinking about a comparison to regular hot cocoa and WHY this cup of chocolatey goodness can be considered a "meal replacement." (Granted, it would be a very small meal, more like a snack, but since on Medifast you get to eat 6-7 times a day, that's okay). I probably use the hot cocoa more often than just about any other Medifast food.

So I decided to do a little nutritional comparison between 1 packet (32 g) Medifast Hot Cocoa and 1 packet (28 g) Swiss Miss Hot Cocoa Classics, Milk Chocolate. (I did a similar comparison awhile back between Medifast Oatmeal and Quaker Instant Oatmeal, if you're interested.) I am comparing the powdered mix for one serving (one 6-8 oz mug).

stats for Medifast / Swiss Miss:
calories: 110 / 120
fat: 0.5 g / 2.0 g
sodium: 110 mg / 160 mg
potassium: 400 mg / 350 mg
carbs: 14 g / 23 g
fiber: 4 g / less than 1 g
sugar: 10 g / 18 g
protein: 14 g / 1 g
vitamin C: 40% / 0%
calcium: 25% / 30%
iron: 20% / 4%
long list of other vitamins & minerals: 20 - 50% / 0%

So basically, the Medifast Hot Cocoa has slightly less calories and calcium, significantly less fat and sodium, and more potassium, fiber, vitamin C, iron, and other vitamins and minerals. But the most significant part is that it also has far less sugar and carbs, and 14 times the protein as the Swiss Miss.

And just because I am scientific like that, I will add that I looked up the "No Sugar Added" Swiss Miss Hot Cocoa too, even though the Medifast Hot Cocoa is not technically sugar free. Interesting that it has 60 calories, 1 g fat, but only 2 g protein, yet it also has 11 g carbs and 7 g sugar. (The sugar is probably lactose from the milk ingredients, which also contributes to Medifast's sugar count. The Medifast Hot Cocoa is soy free and whey based).

The protein and low carbs are key to keeping blood sugar levels stable, and the fiber not only helps keep you feeling full but also slows the absorption of any sugars in the product, lowering the glycemic index of the food (which slows the rise in blood sugar).

And just for kicks, here's the stats on a similar cup of hot cocoa from Starbucks! This info is for a "Short" (8 oz) size plain Hot Cocoa made with skim milk, with no whipped cream:

140 calories
1 g fat
27 g carbs
less than 1 g fiber
7 g protein

I know, I am a geek, but I love this kind of thing :)

Know your cocoa! Pay attention to what you drink. Enjoy your day!

What I Can't Do: Binge Eating Triggers

Binge eating is a complicated issue. We all know that the presence of food, smells of food, sight of others eating food can be a huge trigger. One bite cascades into hundreds; one McDonald's commercial can send a person running for the nearest drive thru. But there is something else that is very difficult for me to deal with... something that triggers something very *addict* in me.

It's reading about other people's binges.

I know, ironic, right? I have this whole blog here full of my own descriptive binges, probably triggering people right and left, yet I can't read that kind of thing myself. Heck, I can't even go back and read certain posts in my archives. I try to be sensitive to folks like me by warning at the beginning of a post like that, saying something like "If you're triggered by reading about binge foods, scroll down past the ***********'s". That's my way of trying to make my blog a safe place for everyone.

I belong to several forums online that have to do with weight loss, eating issues, and dieting. Often, there are sub-forums for binge eaters to get support. A long time ago I tried to go there and do that and be supportive, but I had to stop. I cannot read about other people's binges. What happens in my head is kind of frightening to me. I actually feel intense jealousy well up inside me. It makes no logical sense, but it happens every time. I start reading about what this person ate (and how out of control and guilty they feel about it and all the weight they gained from it) and instead of thinking, "whew, glad that is not me! How miserable!" I get really antsy and a million food thoughts rush into my head and I get jealous, slightly mad, that THEY got to eat all that and I did not.

It doesn't matter that more than half my days over the last decade have included binges on some level. I don't care that I have taken months of eating whatever I felt like eating, like a spoiled brat, without regard to the massive weight gain and health issues I was causing myself. I don't stop and think about the negatives. I just get this voice in my head, wanting, wanting, wanting... endlessly wanting, craving nothing in particular but everything in general, missing the obsession, the compulsion, the overwhelming urges and finally the sensation of succumbing to the binge, giving in and eating, eating, eating, being out of control and then, crashing into that devastation one feels when one has failed yet again.

Yes, I miss it. No, not on a daily basis, no, not now. But when I start to read someone's story about their overindulgence, I have to click the X and walk away. I get that immediate twinge of jealousy and I HAVE to shut it down IMMEDIATELY or it overtakes me and nags me until I let it happen.

Sounds like addiction, feels like rehab. It is easier to just not let it get started. then there is no battle, no fight, no argument. Just peace.

Free

I have pretty much determined that I will stay on Medifast until I am done with this weight-loss thing. I feel like I have tried so many methods and ways to get my binge eating under control, and this has been the only truly successful thing for me. Even when I did lose weight with other methods, like calorie counting, I was always struggling and battling my cravings and drive to binge. It was like a nightmare with a monster always lurking in the shadows, waiting to grab me. I hated it. I really hate that feeling, like there is something wrong with me, like I am not in control of myself, like I cannot conquer the monster. I hate the anger at myself when I'd cave and binge. I hate the way I felt when I started to eat junk again; each time, it was like falling into a pit and trying desperately to claw my way out, only to be knocked back down into the mud by something stupid like a cupcake or a bag of chips. I hated feeling like an addict. I honestly felt powerless against food. Against the binge monster, the overpowering sensation that I MUST EAT THAT, and the drive to consume.

I don't know what it is about this particular diet that releases me from that prison. I never thought I'd become a person who feels so strongly about a diet plan. I have gone over and over in my head (and in my life, in action) what it could be that makes this different. I had a similar feeling on South Beach, but only during phase 1. When I started adding other things back in, all was lost again. I went back to craziness about food.

I wish I could explain to some of you who do not have this kind of disordered eating what it is like to feel absolutely out of control of what you put in your mouth. It is horrible. Sometimes I'd win. I'd throw the brownie in the trash, or never buy it in the first place. I have sat in my bedroom and cried in angst because fighting the craving/obsession is SO PAINFUL. Not doing what the addiction says to do... it is absolutely gut wrenching. I wish I could explain.

It is not as simple as just subtracting some certain food groups or substances out of my life. Oh, I have done that. But why... why is it that on Medifast there is sugar in some of their foods, wheat in some of their foods, fruit and dairy in some of their foods... yet, they do not affect me so? I am sure it has to do with keeping my blood sugar levels stable. People leave comments and say I need counseling; but why, if it is a mental/emotional thing, why am I doing fine NOW? If my binge eating is all because of some hidden emotional issue, how is it I have gone for months on Medifast and never binged? Why is it that the compulsive eating only comes to the surface when I take a "day off" and eat junk again? Surely eating a hoagie and chips and a cookie is not what triggers some underlying emotional issue that makes me binge. Surely it is that food's effect on my blood sugar and my body that makes me want to eat more, and more, and more. Yes, emotions and 'issues' play a part in what gets me to take that first bite off plan or that "day off" in the first place, but it is not the heart of the binge issue. I have worked through enough of my baggage, with and without counselors, to know that.

I eat a Medifast meal and I don't want anything else. I am okay. Some days are harder because I get hungrier, like the days around my cycle. But I don't crash and lose control until that first bite of bread, crackers, ice cream, candy, or noodles crosses my lips. Then it's all over. It can take me days, weeks, even months to get it back under control. It truly feels like what I imagine a drug addict goes through trying to rehab. And while I have never been a drug addict, personally, I have watched family members struggle and rehab from drugs and alcohol and I can see the pain and difficulty they suffer when they truly WANT to get clean but it is so, so painful to withdraw. Maybe you think I am exaggerating about how I have felt about withdrawing from certain foods, but I'm not. Painful.

Back when I first started Medifast, I never for a second imagined it would help me in the ways it has. To me, it's not just a weight loss tool. It is like a path to sanity with food. I also never thought I would go on and on about Medifast the way I do sometimes, about how much it has helped me in ways perhaps I have not been really clear about on my blog. I never wanted to become any kind of spokesperson for Medifast; they give me free food, I blog about my experience with it. That's it. I told them up front, "hey, if I think this stuff is crap, I will say so. You can send me your food, but if it sucks I will be saying it sucks. I am not for sale." And I have done that... I have done reviews on some of the products and said how horrible I think they are (the beef stew, oh my goodness yuck) and I have talked about the good and the bad here, always. I don't get anything more or less from Medifast whether I mention them once a month or every day, whether I link to them 1000 times or once, whether 500 people who read my blog go buy Medifast or nobody does. I just get the food, and even though I have royally screwed up the past 6 months and have not been exactly a shining example of the kind of weight loss Medifast can sometimes bring, they just keep sending me the food if I want it. Nothing more or less. I know some people get turned off when I go on about it, but this is important to me. It's not about reviews or free food anymore. It is about me fixing what's broken. It's about doing what is best for me even if people think it sucks.

I sit here just a week and a half into my re-start on Medifast and I am more clear-headed than I have been in months. I feel better and the most amazing thing is I am FREE... FREE I tell you, of food obsession. NO binge head games, nothing. This is absolutely PRICELESS to me. I never want to lose it again. After weeks and weeks of fighting every hour just to stop myself from buying a box of cookies, this peace is just... well, I treasure it. The peace, it is a calm silence where chaos used to be. I am just so grateful.

I have every intention of sticking with this until I lose all the weight I want to lose. I know I am not 'cured' and I can easily slip back into the chaos. I am one bite away from addiction. But if I can prevent that one bite, and stay sane and at peace, I can make this work. I want to make it through the Transition and Maintenence program this time. If it is anything like this weight loss phase, it may just be the key to my getting to a true place of peace with food for the rest of my life.

I Am...

busy
satisfied
calm
centered
optimistic
content
accepting
enjoying
willing
free

Thoughts in the Tub

Lying in the bathtub, I look at myself and wonder. Was I really 278 pounds? Just four short years ago, did this still-heavy body really have 85 more pounds attached? I can't remember it. I don't remember lying in the bathtub at 278 pounds and seeing 85 more pounds of fat on myself. Maybe I've blocked it out. Maybe it was so horrifying to me, what I had done to my body, that I just could not see it. I know I didn't see it in the mirror. I know because every so often, when I find some random photograph or stray piece of 3X clothing, I still gasp in disbelief. That CANNOT have been me. Not MY reality. I did not see it.

I wonder if what I am seeing now will fade and morph into the new shape my body takes in the future. It is disconcerting to be able to grab handfuls of *stuff*... fat and skin... where there used to be smoothness and muscle long ago. We know we are supposed to love our bodies and be forgiving and accepting, and I have done pretty well at that, I think, yet when it is right there in your hands... well, it is a little scary, maybe upsetting, and kind of confusing.

I wonder how it happened to me. I remember being young and having that body of youth, the skin soft and tight and proportions fairly perfect. I thought my thighs were too big and my knees too fat and my size-A breasts not big enough because the other girls talked about how many pencils they could hold under theirs and I had no idea how that could even be possible. I remember how wonderful, amazing, and frightening it was as I watched my body change over nine months of my first pregnancy when I was 20 years old, how even though others couldn't tell, I could. I was suddenly round and firm and my breasts were getting bigger, and my skin growing wider and wider across my middle as my son grew within me. I felt monstrous even though when, at 8 months pregnant, I finally went to our family doctor and asked him if he delivered babies and he said, "Yes, are you planning to try to get pregnant soon?"

After children, the body is never the same. It's okay, though. I didn't mourn the passing of the body that never knew motherhood. I was glad to trade it for the children and the expererience; the stretch marks and baggy tummy were so worth every little flutter and kick I felt when they were inside me, and I was glad to have the sagging, size-D breasts in return for years of looking into the eyes of my babies as they breastfed and the wide, adoring smiles they gave me afterwards. That body, fattier and larger with scars and stretch marks, was the price I paid for love, and worth every single change.

But the body of the binge bring sadness. I know how much of this fat and skin is from babies and how much is from overeating. I can tell the vast majority of the excess of body-looseness I am seeing in the bathtub these days is not from babies, but from Big Macs. It's from bowl after bowl of brownie batter, it's from eating pizzas and garlic bread and packages of donuts. It's a reminder of my major fault, my weakness, my addiction.

And yet it is also an honor badge, in a way. Four years ago, there was no looseness to grab, no skin to sag or hang. It was filled and stretched to the limit with fat, growing every day a little wider. It was smooth and tight as could be, round and plump like my entire body was pregnant with a hoard of children ready to pop out at any moment, when, in fact, it was my fat cells filled to the brim and multiplying as fast as they could to keep up with my insatiable appetite for more.

So I look, I take it in, I roll the skin and fat between my hands and think about how it used to be, and how it will be. I wonder what will be left when I have completed this part of my life's journey, what it will look like and how it will feel. Will I remember, or forget again the uncomfortable vision of myself in this condition, soaking in the tub, taking it in?

I don't know what will happen, someday. I know I am changing my life, and have changed it and my body dramatically. And that, I can be proud of.

Bits and Pieces and Blogrolls

My weight is sitting at 193 right now, which is down 12 pounds from 16 days ago but up 15 pounds from those pictures of me at 100 pounds lost on the left side of my blog. Two weeks ago I struggled to find anything in my closet that would fit without giving me a pronounced muffin top, but now that bulge is almost completely gone. I am back to wearing just about any top in my closet without worrying how my waist looks. My pants have once again gotten loose and I feel lighter when I walk. It's amazing to me how huge a difference 12 pounds can make! A lot of that was water/inflammation, so I just feel better all around from that and the associated pain being gone.

Yesterday for dinner I made a variation of cauliflower "potato" salad. I was wanting a simple, one-dish dinner that fits the Medifast Lean & Green criteria without a lot of fuss, so I just dumped 1.5 cups of cold, steamed cauliflower in a bowl with 3 peeled, cold hard boiled eggs and rough mashed them with a potato masher so that there were still some chunks of cauliflower and egg white. Then I added a couple spoonfuls of light mayonnaise, a teaspoon of yellow mustard, a minced dill pickle spear, half a small stalk of celery (chopped), and some onion powder, sea salt, black pepper, and dried dill. I mixed this all up and it made a really delicious bowl of low carb "potato" salad that also satisfied my cravings for egg salad and/or devilled eggs. I see no reason to even make actual potato salad again, since cauliflower is healthier and just as good in this recipe!

My "puppy," as you can see from the picture in the last post, is getting big! She is ten months old and weighs about 60 pounds now. We are staying active with lots of walks, tracking, obedience classes, dock diving, and fetching. She is the best activity partner ever!

Let's see, what else is new? Oh, I've been working on cleaning up the Bethany McDonald Memorial Blogroll. If you're new to Bethany's story and the blogroll, click the link and check it out. If you want to be added, let me know! Take some time to read the stories of so many wonderful folks trying to improve their health and lose weight. The Blogroll is a great place to make new friends and get new readers for your own blog as well. You can form truly meaningful relationships through blogging! I am in the process of adding new blogs, deleting broken links, and just generally cleaning the blogroll up a bit. I do go in every so often and delete blogs that have not updated in more than 3 months; otherwise, half the blogroll would be 'dead'/deserted blogs. So if you are on the blogroll and haven't posted on your blog in more than 3 months but would like to stay on the blogroll, please take a minute to update/post on your blog sometime this week, even if it is just "I'm still here, just busy!" and then I won't delete you. If you've been deleted and would like to be re-added at any time, let me know! I will add you back. There is always a link to the Memorial Blogroll on the left side of my blog.

Also on the left sidebar of my blog are two other blogrolls: one, a short personal blogroll of folks I have been reading for ages and enjoy. The other is the new Healthy Foods/Recipes blogroll which links to lots of great food blogs that show healthy recipes and meals (low carb and otherwise). Check out that blogroll when you need some mealtime inspiration!

I am still updating my meals (usually) on Twitter, and I also have a Facebook page if you'd like to hook up there. And there is also my BlogFrog community if you ever feel like chatting about anything weight-loss related. There is an "add yourself" blogroll there, as well. Check it out sometime if you're bored!

Have a great, healthy day! If not now, when?

Just some pictures.

Yesterday's dinner:

A garden fresh tomato in my yard:

My pup last month, relaxing on vacation:

Been busy, catch you tomorrow!

Sunday Weigh-In and How to Keep Going

I was very curious how my weight loss would go this week. Two weeks ago, I cut way back on sugar and carbs and last Sunday I'd lost 6 pounds in a week, dropping from 205 to 199 pounds. After such a great loss, I wasn't sure what to expect this week. Last Sunday after my weigh-in, I ate a few peanut butter cookies I'd made for my daughter to take in her lunch to school, and then on Monday I started back on Medifast again. I was really hesitant to do that. I knew it worked for me before and I felt good on it, but I was feeling a bit burned out and didn't want to keep trying to do it if I couldn't stick with it. However, since my doctor thinks it is a good plan for me and since eating "whole foods" without any counting/measuring was not working for me at all, I decided to give Medifast one more go. After all, I have a month's worth sitting here staring at me day after day (Medifast sent me another month's worth right about the time I decided to quit). So, I figured, may as well buckle down and  give it another go and try once more to get through the Transition program so I can figure out what foods trip me up and what foods work best for my body. This way, when I am ready I can reintroduce fruits, grains, more dairy, etc in a controlled manner and find the headache and palpitation triggers.

So after a week on Medifast I am down 5 more pounds to 194. I admit it does get old seeing the same numbers on the scale for months, losing the same 10-15 pounds over and over, but hey, it beats the alternative of NOT re-losing and just regaining without putting on the brakes. I am pretty proud of myself for keeping a good 80-90 pounds off for so long. Now to try for a new low.

Sometimes people ask me... and I ask myself... "how do you keep going when it takes so long to get the weight off? How do you not quit through all the stalls and regains and plan changes and hard times?" Well, I've come to a conclusion.

I do not always feel excited about losing weight. It is hard to be excited about seeing 194 pounds on the scale for the 10th time in 2 years. It is hard to stay excited when it takes a long time, the scale doesn't move, or it is very slow going.

I do not stay motivated about losing weight, either. A lot of people say they need to "get motivated" to do it. Well, that helps, but sometimes you just have to put one foot in front of the other and walk the path, even if you don't feel like it or care about it or WANT to. I guess that there is always some kind of underlying motivation. Kind of like when you have to get up in the morning and go to work, or school, or whatever. Some days you'd really rather stay in bed. You don't FEEL excited or motivated to pop up out of bed and go. But there is that underlying motivation that "hey I want to be able to pay the bills so I better get up" even if you don't really want to. So it's like that. I just don't think about it, I keep going, I do what I have to do to not weigh 278 pounds again. It doesn't have to be perfect, everyone screws up. Just get it together and keep going ASAP. Sometimes that is one meal later, and sometimes it is days or weeks later. I think the less time we screw around, the better, but the key is not to give up and to get back on track as soon as you possibly can force yourself to. Don't get discouraged. If you regain some weight, re-lose it. Just keep going. Don't give up. That's my key.

Looking forward to another good week. Take care!


*FTC-required disclosure: Medifast provided me with its products for my personal use for free. I am not paid or compensated in any other way for mentioning their products. Medifast states an "average weight loss of up to 2 to 5 pounds a week."*

Goals

I have a lot of stuff I want to do that requires me to get more weight off. So, I am going to get more weight off. Sound good?

I have been very active with my pup in dog sports this summer, but also am limited by my joint issues. I know my knees are shot and hips are not far behind, but I have a dream that maybe, just maybe if I get enough weight off these joints and build up my strength, I will be able to do more... like actually trial in agility instead of just taking beginner classes for fun. I'd love to be able to move quickly enough to do that. I don't have to be able to run; I am told some people do agility from a wheelchair with their dogs. But I do need to be able to trot around a bit. Right now, that is difficult. Walking fast is fine, doing stairs is fine, climbing hills is okay. But the knees cannot take much jarring. I dunno, it might be a pipe dream, but I'll never know if I don't try.

I want to lose about 40 or 45 more pounds and I would love to accomplish this by next summer. Spring, even. I have never been much for setting time-sensitive weight loss goals; my body does what it does, I have setbacks and successes along the way, and I never can tell where I will be in 6 months. But, I have an *activity* goal here, to be able to participate in more dog sports next summer, and in order to do that I have to be lighter. So we will see. I am focusing on that as another goal.

Today I baked a cauliflower pizza and it was delicious. I cooked up a huge head of cauliflower, rough mashed it a bit, and got enough to make 2 pizza crusts and 2 servings of cauliflower mashed "potatoes." I froze each serving separately for future use.

I am very mindful that tomorrow is the ten-year mark of the 9/11 attacks. Let's all be mindful and remember those lost, those who have served and are serving for our country since, and let's be thankful for our lives and our freedom.

Screw-up Analysis

I have a little pocket planner that I keep notes in regarding my weight loss journey. It's just one of those little $1 mini calendars with daily squares just big enough to write a weight and a calorie level and some exercise notes, but I find it a very useful tool in seeing the Big Picture, including patterns of my being on- and off- plan. I was looking it over today, seeing what events or occasions, exactly, have tripped me up and sent me spinning out of control in the past. After all, what good are mistakes if we don't learn from them, right? Figure it out, avoid it in the future!

My little mini-journal begins in December, 2009. I weighed 230 pounds and was counting calories, walking, and biking. Over the next few months, I can see by my little calendar the times I ate way too many calories, didn't exercise, gained weight, etc. My brief notes about what was going on when I went off plan are:

sick (I wrote this in 8 consecutive squares in December, still staying on plan, and then I guess the being sick got to me because my calories went way up, and the next square says "want to eat" and the next one, "binge.")
overeating, not tracking
sick (again)
foot pain (I wrote this in 8 consecutive squares in January, staying on plan, and then finally THAT got to me and there is a 3-day binge)

Then in March I started Medifast. I had really good success staying on plan for 2 1/2 months straight. As I look over the next year of calendar squares, the reasons/triggers for when I'd screw up and go headfirst off plan were:

pinkeye, knee pain, company staying for several days in bringing in food (this led to a string of days off plan)
county fair (last summer, had a couple off plan days surrounding this last year)
sick, pms, family had pizza, trip to buffet (these events were one right after the other, I ended up eating pizza and eating way too much off plan food the next day at the buffet)
party at friends (went off because they made a special meal for us and none of it was on plan... which led to several days off plan)
Christmas cookies (ate completely off plan for, like, 3 weeks)
sick (off plan all week)
trip out of town, free breakfast included (ate off plan for several days)
sick again for 3 weeks (off plan most of that time)
went to buffet intending to eat on plan, but lost it
went to friend's house for lunch, the food she served us was completely off plan, I ate it to be 'nice' (this led to several days off plan)
trip out of town, ate out (this led to weeks mostly off plan)

So, this might *sound* like a heck of a lot of screw ups, but remember, this is over the course of a year and a half. Most of the time, I was on plan. But those off plan times? They follow a pattern.

What I learned:
I am likely to eat off plan when I am sick or in pain
I am likely to eat what is prepared for me when I am invited to someone's home for lunch/dinner
I am likely to eat off plan when I am out of town
I am likely to eat off plan during 'special' events/occasions
I am likely to eat off plan at buffets

This translates to:
I sometimes eat for comfort
I feel social pressure to please people by eating what they prepare for me
I feel like eating out when travelling is 'special' and makes the trip more fun
I see holiday/seasonal/special event foods as very desirable
I become overstimulated by the vast amounts/variety of food at buffets and it becomes difficult to remain in control

I just wanted to write this all down, as a first step (awareness). I am going to spend some time thinking about what I, personally, can do to control my eating when these situations come up again. If you have ideas for me, I am all ears. How do you handle these types of situations?

Another Good Day

It's day 4 of my Medifast restart and I feel fantastic! I really wonder sometimes what makes me go off plan and eat junk when it makes me feel so miserable. I know it starts with food thoughts, imagining all the yummy things I *could* be eating. After a few days away from the junk, though, it gets easier to just not think about food at all. Grab a packet and get on with life. I am going with the old stand-bys for dinners, for now. It is just easier to not dwell on food thoughts. Tonight will be spaghetti and meatballs! Everyone loves that! I will simmer a pot of homemade, garden fresh (no sugar added) tomato sauce with some lean turkey meatballs in it, and the kids will have Barilla plus pasta while I enjoy spaghetti squash. My portion will be 1 cup of spaghetti squash topped with 1/4 cup of sauce and five meatballs, plus a half cup of salad. Yummy.

Last night I went out to dinner. I drank unsweetened iced tea, skipped the bread basket, and had an appetizer spinach salad topped with toasted Hazelnuts with the dressing on the side. My entree was alder planked salmon with a double side of fresh steamed green beans, no oils added. It was delish and filling! I am down another pound this morning.

Here's a general menu for me while I am on Medifast. I pretty much each the same things every day.

7am: coffee w/sugar free vanilla creamer
8am: spice muffin made from MF pancake mix, OR french toast made from a MF shake, OR scrambled MF eggs with spinach
10am: some kind of coffee beverage made from a MF shake/coffee/ice combo
12pm: flatbread sandwich made from MF tomato soup, filled with Laughing Cow light cheese and fresh baby spinach, OR some kind of MF soup with extra veggies added (chili, chicken noodle, chicken and wild rice, or cream of chicken)
3pm: MF Parmesan puffs OR BBQ Bites with a diet soda
6pm: dinner of 5-7 oz lean protein and 3 servings of veggies, with appropriate amounts of healthy fat
8:30pm: MF bar or soft serve

If I get hungry I have a snack, usually pistachios or almonds.

I am getting into a routine now that the kids are in school. Dance classes have started back up for my daughter, and obedience begins soon for the pup. We are having fun with our last few dock diving jump sessions before it gets too cold. I can hardly wait for fall! I love to rake leaves.

Enjoy your day!

*FTC-required disclosure: Medifast provided me with its products for my personal use for free.*

My Story

This morning as I was getting ready to walk my daughter to school, I started thinking about this blog. I thought about how it is really not a weight loss blog, not to me, anyway. I mean sure, it started out that way, with lots of talk about pounds and progress pictures and measurements and WOOHOO I lost another ten pounds! Sure, it still has those things. But it has become much more of a Journey Blog. It's a record of my change as a *person*... of the miraculous (to me) transformation from hopeless, morbidly obese woman trapped in her own body to a life now filled with hope and joy and activity, where my weight no longer hinders me from anything. It is amazing. I am a whole different person. My life is forever changed.

I mean, really. Who reads a FOUR YEAR LONG weight loss blog, where the author takes a crazy-long amount of time to reach her goal weight while meandering on all sorts of crazy, twisted pathways to get there? It's not the kind of story you'll find in magazines or on Oprah, where a person knuckles down and drops a hundred pounds in 8 months. THAT is inspiring. Right? When my blog was featured on AOL some time ago, I got a comment that reflected this attitude. It said something along the lines of, "I came here to read this inspiring story of someone who lost 80 pounds, and then I see it took you THREE YEARS to do it??? That is not inspiring! ANYBODY could do that! Sheesh!"

And that's fine, even though I don't think "anybody" could, nor do I think losing weight quickly is more to be admired (nor healthier) than losing weight slowly. I have my ups and downs, but the overall trend is in the right direction. Yet the fact remains that lots of people are not looking for a weight loss story like mine. They want the ZOOM rapid loss story so that they can believe that they will be able to hurry up and get their weight off, too. I mean, we'd all like to be thin instantly, right?

Well, to me, I like it this way. I think this way is perfect for me. My brain has had time to change. When I backslide now, it isn't going back to the old, 278-pound ways. Those ways are gone forever. I can never be Her again. Even when I have had days where I say "screw it" and go to the store and buy chips, a hoagie, Coke and a pint of ice cream, I come home and look at it and go.... bah. This is dumb. And then I eat some of it, think "this is lame, I am full and it isn't that good" and I either save the rest for later or toss it. It doesn't grab me like it used to. I always end up thinking, "well, that was stupid, I don't even get anything out of the food anymore." And I am left to deal with the emotions I was trying to bury with food... but that tactic just doesn't work for me anymore. So I go ahead and deal with the emotions in a healthier way.

So this is my story. It's not the story you oooh and ahhh over on the front page of the tabloids in the supermarket checkout line. You won't see "Woman Loses 120 Pounds in Five Years!" in bold print on the magazine racks anytime soon. But my story is mine. Yours can be yours, and while you might cringe *now* at the thought of taking four or five years to lose 100 or 120 pounds, you sure wouldn't be cringing in four or five years if you started today, and did it :)

Pain Free

I feel SO MUCH BETTER.

As I'd mentioned, I've been cutting way back on sugar and grains and adding in more protein and healthy fats. I was rewarded with a 6 pound drop last week, which just goes to prove my point that those foods cause inflammation and swelling which lead to severe arthritis pain for me. Last week I was to the point of almost hobbling in pain when I woke up in the mornings, and my hands also ached terribly. I couldn't even open a jar for myself. Now, the way I am eating is reducing inflammation and getting rid of the massive amounts of water weight and swelling in my joints, and it feels really good.

I took it further yesterday and went back to a Medifast 5&1 plan (5 packaged meals, a snack, and a dinner consisting of lean protein, veggies, and healthy fat). Overnight, I dropped another 2 pounds and my arthritis pain is GONE. My headaches are gone, my heart palpitations are gone, my brain fog is gone. It is really astounding the difference, even though I'd experienced it before. I forgot how much better I feel off the sugar/carby stuff. It's crazy how you don't realize how terrible you feel until you get out of the muck. Wow. I just feel.... clean.

I am off to run errands. My daughter is all better and went to school, I took the pup out for awhile, and now I am going to get some work done!

Decluttering Update

What a lovely, end-of-summer-break weekend it has been! I know this because I have been looking at the sunshine and flowers out my windows as I sit inside for the third day in a row, caring for my sick little one. It's not so bad; she is feeling better now after spending Saturday vomiting and Sunday with a fever. Today she is perking up, fever is gone, and she is finally eating a little again. I am taking advantage of the 3-day "pajama day weekend" by catching up on housework and the endless loads of laundry. I am ready to get back to my usual schedule though and so is my daughter. Hopefully she will be back to 100% and ready for school tomorrow.

The decluttering is going very well. I'd really like to be able to put my hands on any item I am looking for within 15 minutes of trying to find it, instead of staring at heaps of boxes and thinking, "is it even really in here somewhere?" I have collected a lot of *things* over the 22 years since I first got married. I started my marriage bringing boxes of college-girl junk with me... textbooks, teddy bears, loads of cassette tapes featuring Twisted Sister, Weird Al Yankovich, Poison, and Bon Jovi as well as tape recordings my ex-boyfriend and I sent back and forth to each other when we were apart for a year (back in the dinosaur age before email). After 8 years of marriage my husband moved out and left an awful lot of stuff. I had loads of sad memories, wedding cake toppers and trinkets, things left by my stepkids, and all my ex's random junk. Years and years went by and I saved everything from my own four children including all their baby clothes, blankets, toys, books, drawings, Pokemon cards, Cub Scout badges, baseball mitts, and rock collections. Even the foster children I cared for left their mark with discarded toys, outgrown clothes, handmade gifts and reminders they were once mine. Every job I had left me with things like t-shirts, ID cards, and other work-related items that I saved. I remarried and the influx of *stuff* was astounding: I had decluttered once before, got about halfway done and then all the remaining space was taken up by moving truck loads of boxes from the new (somewhat of a hoarder) husband. A new baby added lots more *stuff*. Even the pets we have had over the years left reminders like their old tags and collars and chew toys that went into boxes in the garage. To me, all this *stuff* seemed like a collection of the days of my life... each bit a memory I was not willing or able to let go of.

I have been letting go, lately. Even things I thought I would save until the day I die no longer have such a hold on me. I think about what my kids would do with these items if I died. For most things, they'd have no idea if it was just a random junky trinket or something with special significance. They'd throw them away or send them to Goodwill. And the few items that are truly meaningful to me that I would want to hand down to them (and would be meaningful to them as adults if they knew the backstory) would get lost in the sea of junk. So, I am saving the things I really care about and planning to tell my kids about those things and why they are special. Other things, I am taking pictures of so I save the memory without cluttering up my space. And the rest can be sold or donated to someone else who will make good use of them. That, I think, is a healthy approach that will get me to my goal.

Dinner tonight is going to be taco salad again. It's a meal I really enjoy and is easy to make from leftovers. I use 5 ounces of cooked lean ground beef/turkey mixed, and put that over a salad of Romaine, garden tomatoes, and light salsa Ranch dressing. I am looking forward to it! No sugar, pasta, or bread is on the menu today.

That's it for now. Catch you later!

Weigh In and What I Ate

First things first: my little girl slept soundly all night (and so did I) and is not vomiting anymore! She is sipping fluids and had one bite of toast so far. Still not feeling 100% but she is definitely on the mend. I am glad it is a 3-day weekend!

Now, for me. Last weekend I weighed 205 pounds. Today I weighed 199. Six pounds down this week, a good 'start' to reversing the damage I caused by eating too much and the wrong kinds of foods. This week I ate smaller portions for the most part, but had a hard time controlling myself when I made stroganoff (over egg noodles) for dinner one night. Ate too much of that! I have been working at cutting out the sugar. Earlier in the week I had a few sugary things here and there but for the most part it is cut back out. As a result, my joint pain has decreased about 75% and the swelling is much reduced. I think that's why I dropped so many pounds this week. Also, I have made an effort to cut back on carbs in general. I made homemade pasta sauce the other day and was planning to make spaghetti squash for myself (and high protein/fiber Barilla Plus pasta for the family) but ran out of time and ate the pasta myself, too. And garlic bread. I also had a burger and fries at one point during the week and potato chips a couple of times. I added 2-3 Medifast meals back into my day to bump up the protein and nutrition. I walked 2-3 miles a day.

I feel so, so much better physically just from removing most of the sugar from my diet. I still drank some diet sodas and cut back to one cup of coffee per morning with sugar free creamer. The headaches are about 90% gone. I still find myself feeling hungry a lot, and craving sweets. I pretty much just ate a handful of almonds or a low fat string cheese when I felt hungry between meals.

Yesterday was so exhausting I was walking around in a fog. After being in the bathroom with my sick daughter from 2 am until about 9 before she finally went to sleep for a bit (and then woke up and kept puking on and off til 4pm) I was just soooo tired. I did not have time to prep foods. I usually keep hard boiled eggs in the fridge but was out. I ended up eating Medifast meals throughout the day out of convenience and for dinner had a taco salad (lean beef and turkey with taco seasoning over a bed of Romaine and chopped fresh garden tomatoes, with a sprinkle of cheese and some Lighthouse Lite Salsa Ranch dressing and a bit of sour cream and salsa). I didn't measure, just eyeballed. Even though I was exhausted, I felt SO much better last night after eating that way. I definitely need to continue modeling my dinners after what I learned on Medifast. I don't miss the grains at all, and the kids could all eat theirs with Carb Balance tortillas and everyone is happy.

That's about it for now. I think I had forgotten how much better I felt eating low carb. I am working out a plan for this week and it does not include SUGAR. I am also reading up on the suggestions you guys have made of trying Paleo and/or cutting out gluten.

Enjoy your holiday weekend!

Thoughts

Up since 2am with my poor little sick girl. She has been vomiting for 6.5 hours now and finally is falling asleep on the couch all tucked in next to me. This calls for an extra cup of coffee.

Someone asked in the comments yesterday, "why not just go back on Medifast?" I'd be lying if I said I haven't considered it. This maze of low carb, Mediterranean, Paleo, clean eating, calorie counting, gluten avoiding, portion figuring has me pretty tired. I miss the simplicity of a specific plan. But I also know I was, in the end, very resistant to the structure. Actually, that is probably my main problem anyway. I am resistant to structure, rules, and limitations... which is what got me fat in the first place (at least in part.) It was the "who says I can only have one value meal from McDonald's?? Who says I can't eat the whole pack of cookies myself? So what if I just ate an hour ago, I want another meal!" I don't like that bit of myself that seems whiny and demanding and entitled. I try to think of it in terms of wanting/being entitled to better health and of choosing for myself a way of eating to nourish my body, but really in the end it comes down to me wanting a peanut butter cup and having that same stupid fight with myself over and over about whether I will have it or not.

Anyway, all of this is just thinking out loud, and I have had very little sleep so I will think more on this tomorrow. But right now, I am more annoyed than anything, that yesterday I had to try on five different shirts before finding one that covered my muffin top in a reasonable manner, and by the end of that fiasco I was pretty pissed off at myself for letting it happen.

Breakfast and Blood Sugar

Further tweaking is needed with the eating plan.

I am getting very hungry, often. I get that hunger is not an emergency and is fine, but I do not feel well at all when the stomach is growling, either. I get a little light headed. I am thinking about getting some kind of blood sugar meter to keep a log of what's going on with my blood sugar levels but the idea of poking myself several times a day does not really appeal to me; I think I may do it anyway. I have been tested before with the fasting blood draw type of test, and am not pre-diabetic or anything, but I do think my blood sugar must swing more than it should throughout the day. And when it drops too low, I feel icky.

I remember when I was 11 years old and in middle school. I lived out in the country on a dead-end lane, with a view of a corn field out my bedroom window in the summer and a distant small forest beyond it in the spring. I was an active kid, always outside riding my bike, walking through fields, climbing tall stacks of hay bales stacked inside an old red barn down the road. If it wasn't pouring rain, I was out there in a tree or on my roof or trying to teach my dog to play frisbee. And when it did rain, I was stomping in the puddles until I got soaked. But looking back now, I think I had a blood sugar problem of some sort even back then. I never was tested until adulthood and even then things looked okay, but I do believe some issues don't show up on the standard blood tests. Anyway, by middle school age, I used to get up early and shower and then try to run and catch the bus to get to school but then end up having my Dad drive me there instead because I was always late. And I stopped eating breakfast. I just never had time, my mother was always still in bed in the morning and I never even saw her before I left for school. On the weekends my dad would make me eggs and toast or a bacon-egg sandwich on Wonder bread, but all through the school year from 6th grade on I just whizzed out the door without so much as a sip of water.

Earlier, in elementary school, I know I ate breakfast at least sometimes. I remember the bowls of steaming hot Cream of Wheat my mother would make with a hunk of "maple candy" melting in the middle, or the "egg in a cup" which was a hard boiled egg mashed with salt and butter in a coffee mug. I wonder when she stopped caring about me, sometimes. I know she had her issues. She didn't know how to feed *herself* much less a child, and if it wasn't for my father I feel sure she would have met a much earlier death from either malnutrition, alcoholism, or suicide. She did love me when I was little; I remember her rocking me to sleep in my footie pajamas, and putting bows in my hair. She didn't know that feeding me ice cream for breakfast and hot dogs for lunch when I was 2 wasn't the best idea. But somewhere in there, it seems to me that she withdrew and stopped caring. Her sisters and nieces will tell you otherwise... "oh she loved you SO much!" but I just didn't get it. So I went off to school and didn't eat, and after a couple years of that it became my normal. And then, in high school, if I did try to eat some breakfast before going off to school, I'd feel very sick about 2 hours later and remain sick-feeling until lunch.

I  still get that icky, sick feeling if I go too long between feedings, and it is worse if I am eating anything grain based or sweet. And if I wait too long, I get this crazed "omg I must eat NOW" feeling that leads to digging through cabinets and stuffing things in my mouth without thinking to get relief. From everything I have read, it's about blood sugar.

Anyway, now that sweets are out (I also ended up cutting out most fruit again for now) and my grain intake is much lower, I am still getting super hungry and sort of light headed between meals. I deal with it by eating a small handful of raw almonds but I am still not in my "happy place" when it comes to eating. Still working on it. Seems like eating protein, like a boiled egg, does not help me feel better when I am in that state. A serving of Greek yogurt works, though. Still mudding through it. Scale is standing still at the moment.

Other than the eating, things are going really well! My home is becoming less and less cluttered and without all the *stuff* sitting out bothering me, I am happier. I am really looking forward to fall and one of my favorite activities: raking leaves!

If you have any suggestions for a meter or something to monitor my blood sugar levels, please let me know in the comments.

Update

Well, so far since school started I have had very little time to sit and think or wonder what to do with my newfound hours of freedom. Life just sort of flows in and fills in all the cracks, you know? I've been working on some of my goals: decluttering at least one area of my house each day (even if it is just a cabinet or a bookshelf), taking care of tasks that have been on the to-do list for ages (like mending broken toys, filling out various paperwork, framing and hanging pictures, and pulling weeds), keeping up with the general housework and laundry, taking the dog out to the dog park for an hour each morning and doing some training in the afternoon, planning and prepping better dinners for the family, and I even got myself down to the bank to refinance my house (it is a great time to do that! I got a 3.8% interest rate!) which saves quite a bit on the house payments. I signed up my daughter for dance classes and my dog for nosework and obedience classes, and spend late evenings helping the older kids with homework. I am already getting used to the new schedule. I like it!

My eating has been okay, still not stellar. I've been having more of the same (eggs, Greek yogurt, tuna, lean meats, veggies, coconut oil, olive oil, cottage cheese, raw almonds) plus some Medifast bars or shakes here and there (about 3 a day). I still *want* sugar but am not eating it and my joint pain is much improved. Headaches are pretty much gone also. I am still eating some grains. It is hard to let go of the noodle! A lot of my family's favorite dinners involve noodles, and I just need to take the extra time to cook some zucchini or spaghetti squash for my portion. The other day I made a favorite... beef stroganoff... and oh it was divine, but I would be better off having mine over zucchini rather than the egg noodles we normally use.

Anyway, I am feeling much better and happy, although I miss my kids while they're at school I am choosing to rejoice in the freedom I have to finally tackle the many things I have wanted to do for the past 15 years or so. And I really do enjoy the wonderful peaceful quiet in the house!

Weight is still 201, no further loss after that initial 4 pounds, but will keep working at it.