Rapid Gains and Losses

If you've been reading my blog for long, you know I have a history of *very* rapid weight gains, and sometimes also rapid losses. Many years back, I gained 40 pounds in 3 months. Another time I gained 80 pounds in about 10 months. I've lost 10 pounds in 3 days, and 15 pounds in a month. But even in this past few years, when I have not been having nearly the binge behaviors of the past, my weight goes up and down ten pounds in a flash. The calories never add up. The whole 3500 calories = a pound does not compute if you simply add up all I eat during a gain or loss and figure up the pounds I *should* gain or lose. It always made me wonder about the other stuff going on in our bodies besides just metabolizing food. But for me, I have found an answer that makes sense.

We all know about water weight. People do retain water during certain times of the month or if they eat salty foods. But for me, eating sugar and carby foods causes an me to retain excessive amounts of water. My orthopedic doctor explained to me that with my severe arthritis, the pain I experience is often from inflammation. Inflammation is the body's response to injury or damage, whether it's in the joints or somewhere else. And you know what causes damage, inflammation, and swelling in my body? Sugar and refined carbs.

If I eat low carb and cut out the sugar, my arthritis pain is drastically less. As soon as I eat a cookie, my hands and knees begin to ache. My body apparently is super sensitive to sugar, etc, and reacts with inflammation. Maybe that also has something to do with my headaches. Widespread inflammation, or swelling, includes retaining a LOT of water in my case.

Now granted, I was also eating too many calories over the past 2 months, but I was not having binges daily, either. I certainly was not eating enough to gain 25 pounds in less than 7 weeks.

Yes, you read that right, I gained 25 pounds in less than 7 weeks. Crazy. I also have had a lot more joint pain and swelling. But guess what? Just one day cutting out the sugar and refined carbs, and four pounds is gone. My pain is cut in about half already, JUST from one day of lower carbs. The fluid is leaving along with the inflammation and I am starting to feel much better.

I've been eating a lot of eggs, low fat cheese, fat free Greek yogurt, veggies, raw almonds, and Medifast meals. So far so good.

A side note. I am a lot more aware than I used to be. And while there have been a lot of ups and downs on this journey, I don't regret any of them. I don't regret anything except the out of control binge behavior. THAT, I do not like. I regret that ice cream binge last month. But I do not regret making homemade macaroni and cheese, I do not regret the "off" times where I ate sandwiches and chips instead of fish and salad. My journey is not fast and is not a straight line but I LIKE my journey. I get discouraged at times when I think "I could have been at goal by now if I hadn't gone off plan," but honestly, "goal" is not really what I thought it was. It is not 165 or 145 or 130 pounds. It is not "no more weight to lose." "Goal" is what I am doing right now: learning, experiencing, taking the time I need to become healthier in the long haul. "Goal" is a rich life and self awareness. I have that. It is richer without the pain and extra weight, so I am working to minimize that, but the journey is very fulfilling to me, ups, downs, and all.

The State of Things

A new dawn, today.

First, the state of things. I have often throughout my journey made a record of my physical state at various weights, so that I can look back and see what has changed. I think that is a helpful exercise and if you've never done it, give it a try! Put it on your blog, or, as I have, just create a text file or an email to yourself where you put the date, your weight, whether you are on any particular eating plan, and any physical symptoms you've noticed. For example, here's one of mine from 275 pounds:

constant headaches
daily heart palpitations
bad skin, face is always red, many pimples
cannot wear my contacts, red itchy eyes with clogged ducts
my teeth hurt (hot/cold sensitive)
bleeding gums
ache all over when I get up in the morning
hobbling
knees crackle and grind when I sit
going up and down stairs is painful and difficult
cannot walk more than 1/2 block per day
severe joint pain
cannot sleep well
wake up choking on my reflux
eating lots of Tums for heartburn
waking up many times through the night
always tired
sore feet
very bad PMS
back hurts
pains between my shoulder blades
note: size 3X clothes, size 26 jeans are snug.

So, that was then... much of that is resolved. My mobility is a thousand times improved as I can run up and down stairs with no problems, walk 3-4 miles, and the reflux, skin problems, and many of the pains have resolved. In fact, until a month ago I'd say almost everything on that list was resolved. However, with the way I have been eating this last month, I am getting some new symptoms and some old ones have returned:

current weight: 205
more frequent headaches
waking up stiff with sore feet and hands (arthritis flare ups)
joint soreness
lack of concentration
a bit moodier, feeling down more often
my allergies are acting up a TON... constant runny nose
oilier skin

That's about it, I guess, but when you've felt pretty great (except for the fatigue I have fought on and off), this kind of symptom set feels like you're falling apart physically.

I have tried for weeks to implement some sort of "wing it" plan without any counting or logging. Something is triggering this stuff, and I think it's sugar and refined carbs. My cravings have been over the top, too, but I have been eating moderately (granted, not the healthiest choices, a lot of fat and carbs even if it is whole wheat, oatmeal, etc along with the occasional chips, piece of cake, or ice cream cone). I had one binge and it was when I convinced myself to buy a box of ice cream sandwiches "for the family"... a box of 12, but I think I ate 5 of them in one evening myself.

Obviously I am taking in too many calories and the wrong kinds of stuff.

I am tackling this now.

Drinking lots of water
Cutting sugar back OUT
Cutting junky foods back OUT (there is just not a way to lose weight and include these moderately, in my own experience)
Not buying anymore artificially sweetened stuff, but I will use what I have left here which is some Crystal Light and a few diet sodas
Cutting sodas back OUT completely, diet or not, as soon as the few I have here are gone
Going back to Medifast-style/low carb dinners, no grains included, just lean protein, veggies, and healthy fat
Not drinking milk anymore. In fact, stop drinking calories unless it is a breakfast smoothie type thing.
I also have a box of Medifast stuff just sitting here and am going to incorporate it into my eating. It's an easy way to bump up my protein and keep calories low without having to think about it.
I am logging my food again and trying to get numbers like I had before, with 80-100g/protein, under 100g carbs. I hate logging but I hate being fat and feeling like crap more.

I will tweak as necessary but have to get back to weighing and making sure what I am doing is NOT making the scale go UP!

There is much work to be done, but first I am going to cherish and embrace the meadow I am stepping into. I'll take time to breathe in the fresh fall air, brush my hands along the tops of the tall grasses, and lie down in the wildflowers to relax and watch the clouds roll by. The rest and quiet is welcome and the sunshine warms my face. I will care for myself, I will experience life in great detail, I will breathe, and I will get up refreshed to start building a homestead in this meadow. Here we go.

Out of the Forest, Into the Meadow

Whelp, looks like it's time to shake the dust off and hit it again. I decided to do the proverbial Monday Start, with a gradual easing into something new. Today we are having a little end-of-summer celebration which will include food (thinking chicken on the grill, a nice big salad with garden tomatoes, some decidedly un-diety crockpot macaroni and cheese, and a homemade pineapple upside down cake... something I haven't made in more than 7 years). Oh, I  will be portion-moderate, but this is food I expect to actually enjoy. I have had a hard time enjoying food lately... healthy, junky, or in-between.

School is starting this week and I admit I am more than a little nervous... not for my kids, as they will do fine and be happy to trot off to their classes and friends. But for me. I have never really had much alone time. At all. I started working when I was 13 and continued through my teen years while also going to school, and back then I did sometimes come home and have a couple of hours alone when my Dad was working and my mom was off doing religious stuff or whatever else she was off doing. When I moved out at 18, I lived with a family of six, working in their home business in return for room and board, sleeping in their basement. And then it was college with five roommates and at 20, marrying a man with three children, and from there it was more and more kids (my own five and five fosters at various times). I was mostly a stay-at-home mom, always seemed to have a baby at home, and then when I did have a gap in babies I was working and going to school full time. Whenever I was home I had my kids here with me. Last year when my last baby went to kindergarten, it was tough but not that bad. I worked in her class one day a week and she was only in school less than 3 hours a day (even less on Fridays), and I used that bit of "free time" to run necessary errands and go to appointments and catch up on housework. I was very rarely home without her there and when I was, it was just long enough to do a few chores and then it was time to go back and pick her up.

This year will be different. Very different. First grade is full time... about seven hours a day. I still plan to work a couple hours a week in her classroom, but honestly I have a hard time fathoming having SEVEN HOURS at a stretch with no children. It feels very... scary?... to me. My oldest is 21. Kids have filled my life for decades. And now... well, as I said, it's hard to imagine having SEVEN HOURS. I think a lot of tears will be shed, I will miss her terribly, but this is a new era in my life. One without babies :(

I am very, very glad I have my puppy to hug and snuggle and talk to. I could not stand it otherwise. She will take lots of my time with the classes I have us signed up for (tracking, nosework, and obedience) as well as dock diving practice and home training and walks. But, I really need to figure out WHAT I am going to do next. Go back to school and get my doctorate, perhaps? I definitely want to incorporate things like exercise, cooking, doing a better job of cleaning, and finally organizing and decluttering the rest of my house. I will have lots of time to do so. I also can finally make all the appointments I have delayed and take care of my health issues as well as looking into support groups, classes, or counseling about the weight/eating stuff.

I feel like I have been walking through a forest... a beautiful forest... on a twisting, turning path, and am about to emerge from the trees into a vast, seemingly endless meadow. After 20+ years of having a path and seeing only trees and ferns and flowers, it is amazing and confusing to have the whole world opened up with all this space and little constriction. Which way to go? What to do? You step into the pathless meadow and have to DECIDE which way to go. It's disconcerting without a map, but I think I will get used to it and am going to be okay.

Thought of the Day

You can be a whining, thumb-sucking victim or you can choose to be the kind of person who gets back up, shakes the dust off, and says, "let's hit it again."

(paraphrased from Dave Ramsey, heard on the radio this morning).

He was giving financial advice, but I find it applies to many things, and a general attitude about anything we have to buckle down and do that is unpleasant.

More to come.

Two Things

It has been awhile since I posted. I didn't realize quite how long.

Two things.

One, I have been very busy with 4-6 hours/day of dog sports. Pup and I are exhausted. I have REALLY enjoyed it. Loved every minute of it. After each morning of sport, I have taken the kids back-to-school shopping or to other various activities like the county fair. I have been so busy I barely had time to think, and I like it that way. I like not sitting around worrying about food and diets and feeling sorry for myself for getting fat. I like being IN life and not a spectator anymore. I have had a WONDERFUL, enjoyable week!

Two, underneath it all I feel like I am imploding. The eating plan is not going well at all. The thing that makes my headaches go away is carbs, lots of carbs, and Coke, not diet. Once I found this out it became way too tempting to "fix" a headache with a sandwich and a Coke. Or a dish of ice cream. I don't really get why that kind of crap food makes the headaches go away, but it does. But then they do come back. So my meals have looked like this: breakfast is either a whole grain, protein-enriched waffle with natural, sugar free almond/flax butter and fresh local blueberries on top, or 2 free range eggs scrambled with a piece of whole wheat toast and a small glass of juice. I have coffee or tea with it. Lunch is whatever random thing I grab, like a sandwich or leftovers or a Carb Balance tortilla with meat, lettuce and tomatoes in it. Dinner has been insane... I have been busy, and have had a 6" steak sub a couple times or 2 slices of pizza or some of that stew I made. But in between, the *addiction* and almost inability-to-resist carbs/sweets is back. It is SO HARD to tell myself no lately. I pick regular Coke instead of Diet because it "fixes" the headache. I have an ice cream cone or a candy bar or some cookies because it is easy. I tell myself to eat a damn peach instead but I don't do it. It feels unhealthy, and icky, and bad, and although I have avoided the scale like the plague, I am pretty sure it ain't going down. My clothes are tight. This morning I had a closet crisis because the midsection bulge is back, and it looks horrid under 90% of my shirts now. I am taking Aleve on a daily basis for my joint pain. And I am feeling a bit unsettled about what to do about all this.

I had a dream last night... a vivid, emotionally heart-wrenching dream in which the two Big Things that drive my emotional distress were right before me. I know what they are; one of them is the age-old mother issue, which I thought I had long since gotten over but obviously it still drives me to some degree. The other, bigger thing, I don't blog about. But trust me, I know it. Oh, the tears I shed this morning waking up from that dream. And it is, in fact, those two issues (which are actually one and the same in a roundabout way) that give me a pit of the stomach, root of the soul panicky drive to eat. And eat. And eat.

No counselor is going to fix this thing. I have to fix it. It is not something I can "talk through" anymore than I have already done here and in my private journalings. It is an action issue. It may not be fully in my control, but avoidance by eating is certainly not the answer. But oh, how it hurts to not eat...

Food has no appeal to me, as I have mentioned some time ago. It is not a matter of my "wanting" pizza or cookies anymore. Somewhere along the last 6 months, that passed. When I eat them now, they just don't taste that good anymore. It is now a matter of a compulsion to fill that emptiness and drown out the fears and worries and emotional pain with *some other sensation.* I guess cutting or drinking or drugs would do just as well, but isn't eating the most convenient, socially acceptable thing one (especially a mother) can do to drown one's pain? That's why we're fat, I think...

If I can somehow get a grip long enough to get my cravings under control again, I can yank myself back onto the path to better health. I have to stop pretending this isn't happening.

Purple Green Beans, Purple Potatoes

Last week at the Farmer's Market I got some new, colorful vegetables: tri-color baby potatoes (red, yellow, and purple) and some gorgeous purple green beans. Often, richer color means more nutrients in vegetables and fruits, so I try to make a rainbow on my plate. I really succeeded this time!

First, the beans.

Purple in vegetables comes from the presence of anthocyanins, which are phytochemicals that have "anti-inflammatory, antioxidant, heart healthy, anti-aging and anti-carcinogenic properties." Green beans in general are a healthy choice, and all the varieties and colors including green, yellow, and purple have a similar nutritional profile. According to whfoods.org, green beans are an excellent source of vitamins K, C and manganese and a very good source of vitamin A, potassium, folate, tryptophan, and iron. One cup of green beans contains 4 grams of fiber, 4.6 grams of omega-3 fatty acids, 2.36 grams of protein, 57.5 mg of calcium, and only 44 calories. They're a real nutritional bargain!

Imagine my surprise, though, when I cut my purple beans into pieces, tossed them into the pot of stew I was making, and immediately saw them start to turn green!

This change happened as soon as the beans hit the liquid and got warm. From what I have read, as soon as purple beans are heated, they turn green because heat causes the cells to burst and lose their acidity. You can read more about that here. Anyway, they tasted delicious, just like fresh green beans.

Now for the potatoes.

Aren't they pretty? I couldn't resist them. Look at the color of these beauties!

Purple potatoes are also rich in anthocyanins, just like purple green beans, but unlike the beans, they are very deeply colored all the way through. They are so inky purple that when sliced in half, the raw potatoes 'bleed' gorgeous purple ink. I am going to buy some more, slice them in half, and let my daughter use them to stamp pretty purple designs on her artwork!

Purple potatoes have a higher antioxidant level than white ones do. "Research by the USDA Agricultural Research Service found that potatoes with the darkest colors have more than four times the antioxidant potential of those currently available commercially." (source) So get to the farmer's market and buy yourself some of these great, healthy, pretty potatoes!

Potatoes of any kind are an excellent source of potassium, vitamin C, folate and iron. Baby, or "new" potatoes, are even better for you because they have a higher skin-to-flesh ratio, and much of the nutrition is found in the skin. The skin of these potatoes is so tender you won't mind eating it, even if you are not generally fond of potato skins. One cup of potato with skin contains 132 calories, at least 3 grams of fiber, and 3 grams of protein.

I had lots of fresh, local veggies on hand, so I decided to make a rainbow beef stew for dinner the other day. I used this recipe with some tweaking (1.5 pounds of grass fed beef stew meat, more veggies, subbed 2/3 of the red wine for chicken broth, less butter). I included carrots, purple and yellow beans, onions, garlic, celery, tri-color potatoes, and fresh pureed tomatoes. It turned out just lovely.

Check out the rich purple of the insides of the potatoes! These don't fade with cooking. Awesome and intriguing for children, as the purple is as bright and vivid as a Crayola crayon!

We had this for dinner with freshly baked bread and it was fantastic. Even better the second day.

Take an adventure this week and see what you can find at your local farmer's market or vegetable stand! Post your finds on your blog, if you have one. I'd love to see what you bring home to nourish yourself!

Eat your veggies, and don't forget to check out my constantly-updating Produce Guide linked at the top of my blog. Also, the Healthy Foods and Recipes Blogroll is up and running on the left side of my blog. Check it out!

Changing My Tune

The other day when I cleaned my room, I found an old weight loss journal. It's just a handful of pages in a 3-ring binder, but I grabbed them and set them aside to read when I had time. I have hung onto that journal this long, may as well see what's in there, right?

So tonight, I sat down to read. It was like a time capsule, back to the days when my youngest son, who will turn 16 soon, was still a little nursing baby. I was 27 years old, had just moved into this house, and my main focus in life was... losing weight.

I was still married to my first husband and blissfully unaware of the struggles the next decade would hold, and I was so excited to be on my latest and greatest dieting adventure: Winning at Thinning. Included in the weight loss kit I'd purchased was "Magic Diary Paper" to record my feelings on. Much of what I wrote is oh too familiar. I will spare you the multiple pages of ramblings, but here are a few highlights.

June 18, 1996: 204 pounds
Today is the fattest day of the rest of my life.

June 19: 202 pounds
I'm really going to do this! I want to be able to feel good, eat healthy foods, and ultimately be able to run and play with my family without feeling like I'm lumbering.

June 20: 199 pounds
Hooray! I did it! I'm out of the 200's! I'm back at the weight I started at last time I lost weight. I know I can do this! In only 3 months I could be back down to 165 and feeling great! Hooray!

June 22
I'm getting tired of this. It takes an awful lot of time. But ok, I'll promise to do it for another week and if I've lost 3 pounds by next Sunday I'll keep going because it's worth it. Slow but sure.

July 2: 196 1/2 pounds
Eating will not solve anything. It will only make things worse.

July 6
I'm doing fine today but getting a little cravey for sugar. But I'm sure I'll do great, since I am weighing in tomorrow morning.

July 10: 192 1/2 pounds
It's getting harder. I had a bagel at 11 last night. I want sugary hot oatmeal cookies with butterscotch chips. I feel like this is TAKING TOO LONG!!! I am SICK OF IT! I have to get through this one day.

August 1: 187 pounds
Wow! I have lost 17 pounds! It makes me feel so good that my body is getting healthier and better all the time.

August 18
We bought the house. Now, the stress is trying to get it ready to move into and getting moved this week, and the baby is sick, etc etc. So I was off the diet all week but I promised my diet buddy I'd go back on, and I'm really trying. It's so hard to get anything done when I have to constantly hold a sick baby!! I have to do better.

August 29: 187 pounds
Ok, I've been basically eating garbage all month. But no more! Last night, I promised my friend I'd stay on plan. I promised I would not eat white chocolate, peanut butter ANYTHING, candy, or anything which gets over 1/3 its calories from fat. I can do it.

September 8: 180 pounds
I need to remember that no food, no binge is worth prolonging this weight/fatness. No food is worth having such huge legs.

September 13: 177 pounds
I can't wait until I have no more fat around my knees! I hate how fat my legs look! I know I can do this. I have to keep exercising!

September 23: 174 1/2 pounds
I am in control of me. I am ever so close to my  thin 165 pounds I remember being. I'm not going to let anything stop me from reaching that longed-for goal.

October 12
I am tired of going on-off-on-off this diet. I am tired of not having any nice clothes to wear because all my nice clothes are ten pounds away. I am tired of trying to get a husband out of a cinnamon roll, a friend out of a cookie, a mother or father out of a package of Reeses pieces. I am sick of it. I am going to do this thing.

(What follows is an angry rant/tirade about the state of my marriage at that time, and how I was going to lose weight to spite my husband because I didn't think he wanted me to be happy and have a life).

November 1
I am angry at my life, which makes it very hard to diet. I don't want to stop nursing my baby to go on the diet pills my doctor prescribed [phen fen]. I've been starting to wean him but I really don't want to. I really have my doubts about it working. There is so much to do in the way of housework and mothering alone, that I feel overwhelmed and just sit here and don't do any of it. Maybe what I really need is an anti-depressant.

(an aside here... I think I was suffering post partum depression after my last child. I had four children in five years and also two miscarriages in that time. It was a lot for anyone, really.)

January 13, 1997: 187 pounds
After eating like crazy for two months and gaining 13 pounds, I promised my friend no going off the diet without calling her first, I can do it if I stick to this plan. I am (again) tired of being fat.

April 8: 184 pounds
I can do this. I am going to have a life. I have sold nearly all our baby things. [Youngest son] is almost walking, and just maybe I can start to have some semblance of control of my life.

April 1, 1999: 238 pounds
Wow. Two years and 50 pounds heavier. This fatness is not fun. I want it off for good! I have no energy. I want to feel better so I have to take better care of myself.

...end of entries...

Interspersed between all those little bits were menus, calorie counts, pep talk to myself, lists of rewards for each weight loss goal I would hit... all the usual weight loss stuff. I think it is significant that I hit 174.5 pounds and then went back to gaining. This time around, I hit 175 and then regained into the 180's-190's again. What is it about 174-175 pounds? I have not gotten below that weight since 1994 when I got down to 165.

Now here I am, 42 instead of 27, my baby not only walking but almost driving, and I am still living in the same ridiculous loop of weight loss. I have spent the past 16 years at this. It makes me want to cry. It really does. I don't want weight loss and fatness to be the background music of my entire life. You know? I feel sad that all those hours and efforts and focus was put into *dieting* and with what result? 278 pounds in the end? And in the meanwhile, my kids grew up. And every hour I spent worrying about my diet was an hour I could have spent focused on those babies, who are grown now and I can never get that back. It pains me.

I don't know, but I am ready for a new background tune.

Headache Elimination Ideas

Last night after midnight, I posted about my daily headaches returning since I stopped Medifast. Let me give a little more info, and then I am going to go through the possibilities and what I think I can do. This might seem muddled, but I often blog as a way of thinking things through. So bear with me.

The headaches are not really "new." As I said, starting sometime in my 30's I began having very frequent headaches and migraines. I figured there is a genetic component, since many of my childhood memories involve my mother, locked in her darkened room all day and sometimes for several days with an ice pack on her head, only coming out in her nightgown long enough to go throw up in the bathroom. She went to so many doctors, specialists and hospitals, had every kind of scan and test, but they never came up with an answer, and she had migraines until the day she died.

Mine got worse over time until in my mid-30's or so, I was waking up almost every single day with a bad headache. I went to doctors. I had scans and tests. I had full physicals. I saw a special dentist. No one could find any answers and all I got was a list of foods that can trigger migraines and a prescription for migraine medication. I had all the bloodwork and tests, was not diabetic or anything, and my thyroid tests all came back normal. My blood sugar was slightly high but not "pre-diabetic" level. I had some issues with blood pressure but after I had my daughter, it went back to normal. No doctor, specialist, or test could find a reason or cause for the headaches (nor the palpitations, which I also had tons of testing for).

Even when I was losing weight, counting calories, eating healthy, etc (and blogging it), I got frequent headaches. The ONLY thing that made them go away was totally unexpected. Going on Medifast. They went away and stayed away. Now, I did get an occasional headache still. When I'd go off and on Medifast I'd get headaches which they tell you are normal when you are adjusting to mild ketosis. But I didn't get these weird, whole-head-pain, eyes-hurt, mild-nausea headaches that feel like a miniature migraine. I wasn't waking up in pain.

Crazy thing, I blogged about eating ice cream. I blogged about being off Medifast on vacation. But the headaches didn't start until just this week. However they are those same, unmistakable, almost-migraines and I wake up with them every day. Palpitations, too. WHY?

Here are some of the suggestions I considered. First, the ones I think are very unlikely. I know I'm not dehydrated; I drink a ton of water. When I had the headaches before, all the tests said my thyroid was fine and I was not diabetic, so those weren't causes. It's not any sudden increase in stress or anxiety; I had some really stressful times while on Medifast without the headaches returning. It's not a sleep issue, although I do sometimes have trouble getting enough sleep, this was also true over the past year and a half on Medifast. nothing's changed there. It's not seasonal allergies or the dust I stirred up, because I have had those same allergies all along and didn't have the headaches over the past year and a half. No new medications or supplements. If I was actually allergic or super sensitive to something like dairy, wheat, oats, gluten, etc, then I'd expect I'd have had issues while eating those things on Medifast, as they are ingredients in the food. I ate a lot of dairy on that plan... cottage cheese, low fat cheese, etc. Same for artificial sweeteners. I can't think the headaches were caused by withdrawal from artificial sweeteners or withdrawal/detox from *something* in the Medifast food since I had these headaches way, way before ever starting Medifast or using artificial sweeteners. I know it's not a lack of healthy fat, either, as I use olive oil on my salads and coconut oil to cook, and take fish oil as a supplement.

So what is left? The more likely causes could be:

Some kind of hormone issue. It's not a peri-menipause thing, because I had the headaches in my mid-30's, too. But I *was* eating a lot of soy on Medifast. So maybe the soy alleviated the headaches somehow? Maybe cutting out the soy caused a problem. But then I think, well, this past month I cut way back on the soy because of my uterine fibroid issue. So I was eating 80% whey-based, non-soy Medifast meals, and I didn't get the headaches then. Hmmm.

Some kind of blood sugar/insulin resistance/glycemic index issue. This one makes the most sense to me. Before Medifast I ate healthy, but I ate a lot of fruits like I am doing now. I had sugar sometimes. I didn't count carbs or pay attention to glycemic index. And I had headaches. On Medifast, yes I had sugar BUT I had under 100g carbs/day. ALL my carbs were paired with protein and fat. ALL my meals were 2-3 hours apart, keeping a very stable, steady blood sugar level. Now, not so much. Could that be it? Maybe the way I was eating pre-Medifast, and the way I am eating now, makes my blood sugar swing too much. Maybe THAT causes the headaches and heart palpitations. Or it could just be the level of carbs/sugar I eat per day. But this seems to be most likely to be the answer, to me.

The only other thing I found is that yesterday I drank a vitamin water type beverage and my headache went away briefly. Looking at the ingredients, it is loaded with B vitamins. Shortly after starting Medifast, I began taking a B supplement for energy. I ran out about a week ago. I am getting some more to see if it could possibly be as simple as that... a B supplement. I should know in a day or two.

What do you think? Am I on the right track?

I still have a headache. I am not sure what to do with my thoughts or how to turn them into actions. Medifast actually did send me a month's worth of food (it was in the mail when I decided to quit Medifast, but I didn't know that). If the B vitamins don't change things, I might try adding in 2 or 3 soy Medifast shakes a day (while still eating the whole foods I am eating now) to see if adding soy back in helps anything. Note, I am not talking about going back on Medifast 100%, but using the soy shakes to see if SOY is somehow the issue. If I can't get this figured out on my own, I do have the month of Medifast food here and would consider going back on, eliminating headaches, and adding things back slowly.

I Have a Problem

My health is going south. I feel like crap.

This is not at all what I expected. I thought if I ate all the "healthy" foods, even if I didn't lose weight I would at least feel better getting away from chemicals, artificial flavors, artificial sweeteners, sodas, that kind of stuff. I thought I would feel great eating local produce and yogurt and some whole grains and healthy fats and free range eggs.

I don't. I have a problem. And it is a problem I haven't had in so, so long that I had forgotten about it.

Headaches. Oh my gosh, the headaches are back.

In May 2010, I wrote in this post:
"I used to think headaches were something I inherited and would have to suffer for the rest of my life. For the past couple of years, I have had migraines with visual disturbances, nausea, sensitivity to light and sound, all of which made it impossible for me to function normally on migraine days. But I also was waking up almost every day with a headache. The doctors couldn't find anything wrong. And then, after I started Medifast, they just STOPPED. I was shocked. I have not had a migraine in over 2 months. I have only had 2 very mild, PMS related headaches which were not even bad enough for a Tylenol. Obviously the headaches were also diet related... I think sugar again... so I will need to pay attention as I add various foods back into my diet to see what might cause headaches. I learned that I do not have to be in pain, and what I eat really, literally effects my health."

I forgot how I used to wake up with a bad headache every single morning and how it would often linger all day long. I was so used to living in pain that I thought it was normal until my dentist became very alarmed about my daily headaches, ruled out dental causes and sent me for a complete workup with my family doctor (who could find no cause of the headaches). Well, they are back. They are solidly back, every day, 80% of the time my head hurts. I wake up with a bad headache every morning.

I am really upset. I don't understand it. It is frustrating. My caffeine intake has not changed much. Drinking coffee or not does not change it... never has, even when I went off all caffeine for months I had the headaches. My mother had these headaches all her life and no specialists ever figured it out. And now, they are back and destroying my ability to enjoy my life.

WHAT COULD IT BE? Could it really be the sugar? I admit it, I decided that a little bit of sugar or agave or local honey was "healthier" than Splenda and fake sweeteners, so I have been using a bit here and there. I have put dark chocolate back into the rotation. But this makes no sense to me! Even on Medifast there is chocolate. There are brownies. There is Hot Cocoa that has real sugar in it. Is it the carb level? Could it be some grain or a particular ingredient I am sensitive to? What is causing my headaches?? Could it be the 2 peaches I ate today and the 2 plums I ate yesterday? I do not understand. On Medifast the headaches went away, and I was eating artificial sweeteners, sugar, various grain ingredients like oats, lots of soy, all the veggies, all the meats, dairy ingredients, caffeine, coffee, diet sodas... so what? What is it?

I know it is my fault I am in this situation. I didn't do what I should have, what I planned to. If I had gradually added foods back in one at a time, I'd know which thing caused the headaches to return. But I didn't, so I don't, and I am tired of being in daily pain and don't know what to do.

I also have gotten my heart palpitations back. That sucks! I had them before, for years, and they landed me in the ER and I had some time with a cardiologist and had to wear a monitor for a week and had all kinds of tests, and they couldn't figure it out. I tried cutting out caffeine but that didn't make them go away. I had them almost daily and they scared me. And then I started Medifast and they went away. Completely. From the same post as above:
"I used to think I was going to die of a heart arrhythmia because there is something really wrong with me. My dad died of a heart attack and so did my grandpa. I thought I was doomed too. I had heart palpitations that scared me to death and put me in the ER. Sometimes they were from caffeine, but often they came out of the blue. I thought daily palpitations were something I'd have to suffer. Since starting Medifast, I have not had ANY palpitation episodes at all. I was having them almost every day before, and POOF they are gone. I even added coffee back into my diet, and still no palpitations. I learned that palpitations can be caused by sugar and other foods in our diets. I am going to make a good guess that it was the sugar causing them, but I am going to be super careful as I add foods back into my diet so if something triggers palpitations, I know what it is and can eliminate it."

Again, my fault, I own it. I changed my diet so fast I have no idea what caused this. Maybe it IS the sugar. Maybe I can only tolerate a very low carb or sugar level. I don't know. But they are back, and I don't like it at all, and I am really frustrated because I lost all this weight and am eating all this good healthy food now but I feel like crap.

I don't know what to do.

I've Been Neglecting...

... my bedroom.

Oh my goodness, no wonder I have been so tired and felt so miserable lately. I have been sleeping in a den of clutter and dust. Today, I've been working on it, and wow. It really is no wonder I am not well  rested.

I truly believe it is draining and unsettling to live in clutter. Piles and boxes of stuff is just not good for the soul, especially when the piles and boxes contain things that are emotionally charged. You may forget what's in there, but your subconscious knows what it is surrounded by. And that is just not healthy for the mind and spirit.

Second to that, sleeping in dust is BAD. It is especially harmful when you are seriously allergic to dust and dust mites, as I am. I had allergy testing done some time back and they said I have a severe allergy to dust and cats, among other things. I am pretty sensitive. I have to carry an Epipen and benedryl in case of wasp stings or if I get in contact with shellfish, and our cat is not allowed in the main living area of the house. I had to take the carpet out of my bedroom (and most of the rest of the house) and put down laminate flooring to keep the dust down. I used to dust and vacuum my bedroom once or twice a week, but I have been neglecting it.

I also have been doing the "box and stash" method of house cleaning when people are coming over (just throw all the random stuff in a box and stick it in the bedroom). And I had other boxes of stuff I wanted to go through just sitting out in my room with no lids on them for literally YEARS now, so dust was gathering in there among all the stuff.

Well, today I finally had enough, started pulling out boxes left and right, and boy did the dust fly. All the things under my bed were super dusty. All the boxes were full of dusty clutter. There were things in there that I have never thrown out but that bother me emotionally for some reason or another, such as a notebook full of weight loss programs from the 90's and a broken statue of the Taj Mahal that someone gave me when I was a teen. Out they all went! Box after box was emptied... some of it going for donations, some being saved, and some trashed. After all was said and done, seven large boxes were emptied and everything I wanted to keep fit into one medium sized box. But I had to get out of there and take some allergy medication because I have never seen so much dust in my life. Bad, very bad, and I am sure sleeping in there has been affecting my health. I need to go back in and vacuum, do a bit more picking up and then I will have a nice, clean, fresh, uncluttered room to sleep peacefully in tonight.

It's important to remember that weight loss and health is not just about food and exercise. It's about all kinds of things, from a healthy environment to restful sleep to letting go of things emotionally. I am happy to have begun this new part of my journey where I LET GO of things that hurt me. I have a lot of *stuff*, both literal and figurative, to sort through and dust off, and part of my success hinges on letting go.

The Future

I've been thinking about what I want my intake and activity to look like, eventually. Maybe it is idealistic to think I can go from decades of junk food and no organized exercise to this, but I am going to work towards it and get as close as I can.

I picture myself eating something like this (percentages are mere guesses on my part, and referring to volume of food, not calories):
65% vegetables, beans, legumes
15% fruit
10% meat, eggs, dairy
5% olive oil, coconut oil, nuts, seeds, flax
5% whole grains

Well, I don't know if that is a "balanced" way of eating or not, and I don't know if there is a name for this way of eating. I also know there needs to be room in there for the occasional slice of pizza or scoop of ice cream or whatever, assuming I am not cutting everything else out forever. If your eating plan is similar to this, would you leave me some feedback?

I think it is healthiest to eat mainly natural, plant-based foods. The meat, eggs, and dairy I do eat come from local grass fed, free range sources (except for the Greek yogurt) but I don't want the animal based foods to be a major part of my intake. I need to get enough protein so I am trying to learn how to do this with plant based foods.

When I do post my meals and menus, don't be surprised if they don't match up to the ideal. This is a dream in my head right now, looking to the future and hoping to get there eventually, but for now I am still cooking meat for dinner a lot of the time just because my growing boys seem to need it. Plus, I am learning, like everyone else. This is just what is rumbling around in my head.

As for the activity part, I'd like to see this:
2-3 miles of walking/day (if I ever get to the point of roller blading, it could take the place of some walking)
30-45 minutes of riding the indoor recumbent bike, 6 days/week
weights 3 days/week
moderate activity throughout the day such as raking, weeding, gardening, cleaning, etc.
I'd also like to start hiking longer distances with my dog once a week. I am not in shape to do that yet.

I am still not sure if just eyeballing my food and winging it will work for me long term. Right now it is really a relief to just walk in the kitchen, grab a tomato and some mozzarella and chop it up with basil and drizzle on some olive oil, without getting out the food scale and measuring cups.

What's REALLY Going On

A lot of you who care about me have expressed concern in the last couple of posts that I am going to go off the rails, regain, lose control, crash and burn. And I do get what you are saying and WHY you are concerned. I have done it before. I cycle through plans, I do great, I regain, I plateau, etc. This blog has never really been a typical weight loss blog. I mean, how many bloggers, or ever regular people in real life, do you see that take 4 years or more to drop the weight, and switch their plan up repeatedly? Not too many. Most I have seen either do a lose-regain-lose-regain thing with 15 or 20 pounds for awhile and then quit, or they blast through 50-100 pounds of weight loss in less than a year and then gain most of it back the following year. My journey has been a little different.

I first got under 200 pounds in the middle of June, 2010. So far, I haven't gone back over. But I've gotten close. This last 10 months has felt eerily similar to the time period back when I got down to 214, then regained to 225ish and sort of stayed there, bouncing up and down ten pounds for more than a year. Same thing now. I got down to 175 last October, regained into the 180's, and have bounced up and down ten pounds ever since. I feel kind of like a yo yo sometimes, and I wonder if this sort of 'stage' is just a natural part of my journey where my body and mind take time to get used to being smaller every 50 pounds or so. Maybe?

I've gone up and down rather quickly and frequently. 175 in November, 189 in December, 178 in January, 193 in March, 182 in April, 198 in May, 180 in July (talking highs and lows here). Two weeks before I left on vacation, I had a little emotional breakdown over stressful stuff. It was the first time in 4 years that I had a binge without blogging about it. I didn't want it to be real. I didn't want to talk about it. It hurt too much. But I am blogging about it now.

In a week I ate something like 2 gallons of ice cream. I just kept eating it. I went way off plan and every night went and bought a pint or two of ice cream. Twice I bought half gallons and ate most of it myself. It was the first really insane binge I have had in a long, long time. I already understand what emotions triggered it, and I did work through them to the point I was able to stop and get a grip, but in that week I went from 180 pounds to 191 pounds. I gained 5 more pounds the next week, eating crap at night. When I weighed before vacation, I was 196 pounds. I had put on 15 pounds in about 2 weeks with my emotional binge eating.

I just cannot live like this anymore. The diet/binge/restrict/binge is a cycle. The restriction is connected to the binge eating. And the binges, although FAR less frequent and *usually* less damaging, come when I have the sense that "I better eat this now because tomorrow I won't be ALLOWED to" (allowed by myself, by my diet, by my restrictions). Frankly I am just exhausted, just cannot take one more second of counting, measuring, and restricting. Maybe it sounds lazy, but let me tell you, doing this for four years has been no picnic. It has been a lot of WORK to maintain an 80+ pound weight loss all this time. And it will continue to be work, I know that, but believe me when I say I just absolutely *cannot* cope with counting one more calorie, carb, or tablespoon right now. Maybe later. NOT now. I just can't.

I have to take the next couple of weeks and just be. I have to. I am using this time to focus on eating more things that nourish my body. I am re-learning how to cook for my family. I am just trying to be mindful and NOT eat crap. In two weeks, school will start and I will have time to add more exercise back in and make that a habit, too. I am walking now, a couple miles a day at least, and trying to be more active in general, but I need to bike daily like I used to. I need it. So that's on my agenda, too.

Please understand, I am truly at my limit with the dieting business. I just want to be healthy. I have NOT gained any weight while on vacation or my trip or since getting home, I am NOT back over 200 pounds, and if I stay at 196 for the next month so be it. It will come back off when I am ready. If that's this week, great. If not, that's okay too. I have to find my energy and motivation and just the desire to keep chipping away at this.

I hope that makes sense. I so appreciate all the concern and support and kindness. You guys are always there for me and I also appreciate you calling me on any crap or when you think I am headed down the wrong path. Give me a couple weeks, I think things are going to get better.

Blah

Yes, I know I am blogging a lot! I have a lot in my head and missed blogging for that week I was away.

I have struggled over the past months with not having enough energy. I am still struggling. I truly hope that by putting healthy stuff in my body, my energy level will pick back up. But I also worry that part of it is just my age, and that at 42 I can't have the energy I had in my 20's.

I am tired today. And I learned two things:

1. Do not buy dark chocolate covered almonds because they are "healthy." I eat too many and today they actually made me feel sick. I am not used to eating sugar. It was just too much, and nausea really saps your energy. I am also suffering sugar crash because of it. I have always been okay with having small amounts of dark chocolate on occasion, but chocolate covered nuts are just too tempting.

2. For heaven's sakes, turn on the A/C! I tend to leave the windows open and not turn on the air conditioning unless it is 90 degrees outside. I like fresh air. I like hearing the birds. But holy cow, the heat is exhausting! I feel like taking a nap. It is 86 in the house and I just now turned on the A/C because I can hardly move in this heat. I need to turn it on earlier in the day to keep things cool enough to function.

The tomatoes are taking over the house. I am going to have a BLT for dinner. I am also going to try and get to bed early (before 11) and get enough rest to get things done tomorrow. Right now I just feel kind of icky. That's all for now... just felt like sharing.

Learning to Cook Again

It's like riding a bike, I think. Once you know how to cook, you never really forget. It just takes a little warming up to get comfortable with it again.

I will admit something here. You know how I was always a fantastic cook, right? How I loved to bake
(and am good at it) but gave up baking, for the most part, because the sugar and flour just isn't good for me and my family? And how I loved to make healthy dinners that everyone enjoyed?

That stopped. It's kind of embarrassing, really, but it just got to be too much for me for awhile. For the last six months or so, the family dinners almost petered out completely. This isn't good. I have always felt strongly that we need to gather as a family, especially with teens, for dinner each night to connect and enjoy each other. But things changed. At first I was doing fine making foods that worked well on Medifast (chicken, beef, lean pork, whatever meat along with some plain veggies or salad) and also making a whole grain or some mashed potatoes or that kind of thing for the rest of the family. But it got to be just too much for me. I couldn't prepare foods in the ways I wanted to because I had to count all the spices, condiments, seasonings, etc. Casseroles were out because I had to measure my protein and veggie portions carefully. And then, the thing with older teens is that they can be annoyingly picky and/or ungrateful about food sometimes (not how they were raised... just a phase, I think). So I'd spend all this time and effort planning, shopping, prepping, making the meal, getting it on the table, and then one of three things would happen:

1. We sit down, people eat but at least some of them obviously aren't fond of what I made (they know better than to complain, but they'd pick and not eat much).

2. We sit down, but half of the family or more is gone to work, fishing, skateboarding, or on a sleepover. So I basically would prep a big meal and then end up with maybe one kid there to eat it.

3. We sit down and eat and they all enjoy it, but my gosh, do teen boys inhale food or what?? I spend an hour cooking and they inhale it all in 5 minutes, say "thanks Mom!" and run back out the door.

Always, it was a lot of work, and I got tired of it. All the prep, the table setting (which kids did help with sometimes) and the cleanup. I HATE getting up from dinner and having a whole kitchen to clean, a table to clear, and pots and pans to wash. But it was like pulling teeth to get anyone to help. So I quit cooking.

"They'd rather eat burritos anyway," I thought. So I bought frozen stuff, pizzas, had bread and lunch meats and fruits on hand. I'd just cook or throw something together for myself and my daughter. She and I would eat together. Let the others fend for themselves. They're all in high school and college. They didn't mind at all.

But I mind. I mind not having meals together at least once a day. I mind letting them eat junk, even though I know they prefer it. It's a thankless job sometimes, cooking for teens, but now I am cooking for ME. I am doing this for myself AND my family. And they can help with cleanup or be grounded. Simple.

I think (and hope) they will appreciate it over time, knowing there is a hot meal on the table at 6pm every night. I think in time I will have each of them cook a couple nights a month, since they do know how, just to give Mom a break. It seems like a lot of work for me NOW, but I believe it will be worth it.

Purged

(...the kitchen, that is!)

You guys are so awesome! Thank you for all the comments on my coffee post. It has me thinking.

Since switching to a more whole foods centered approach, already my taste buds have changed. Over the summer I was practically LIVING for the next time I could have an ice cold Coke Zero; it felt almost like an addiction. I'd wanted to get back off the diet sodas, but the thought of giving up the Coke Zero was stressing me out.

Yesterday, after enjoying lots of berries and plums and other fresh stuff, I decided to have my Coke Zero. YUCK! It tastes horrible! What happened?? Really, were my tastes that warped, or is it just that next to freshly picked fruit, canned soda tastes like crap? I dunno, but the sodas are now out. However, I have about 4 12-packs in the pantry of Diet Rite and various incarnations of diet Cokes and root beers. Not sure what to do with the stuff. Maybe I will give it away on Craigslist. Hmmmm. I have a lot of Crystal Light sitting around too.

Lots of other things left the building this week. I spent a good amount of time cleaning out and scrubbing my fridge. I no longer want to eat artificial stuff, so into the trash went partially used containers of Walden Farms jellies and spreads, I Can't Believe It's Not Butter, low carb ketchup, soy "crumbles," various artificial sweeteners, syrups, etc. There are still some things in there like Egg Beaters that I will eat but not buy more of (going for fresh local free range chicken eggs instead). I am not sure *exactly* where I am going with this, but the general idea is to eat nourishing, real foods. I am very lucky to live in an area where I can get all kinds of produce, beans, legumes, and nuts that are grown locally and without sprays, as well as free range eggs, meat, and milk for a very reasonable price. I stock up on the meats when they're on sale and freeze them and spend less on local stuff than I would at the grocery store most of the time. Some things are a little pricier but if you add up what I was spending on junk before (or sodas, artificial sweeteners, and fake foods recently) it equals out. I eat less than I used too, and that helps too.

Tonight's dinner was grass fed beef brisket in the crock pot with locally grown baby carrots, tri-color baby potatoes, onions, and some grocery store celery, along with a half slice of wheat bread with butter. It was very good. Those tri-color potatoes are great! The purplish ones actually turned vibrant, rich, Crayola purple inside when cooked. I'll have to take pictures next time.

Tomorrow? Lots of fresh tomatoes from our garden, basil from the farmer's market, and fresh mozzarella, all tossed together with a bit of olive oil, salt, and pepper. Yummy! Fresh peaches for dessert. Can't beat that!

Figuring Out the Coffee Thing

As I focus on ingesting things that are nourishing to me, I feel a little conflicted about the whole coffee thing. Let me give a little background on my coffee history.

When I was a kid, my parents never drank coffee. Tea? Yes. My mother drank her tea. And once in awhile my Dad would order some kind of strong, black coffee "shot" at the end of a meal. But we never had coffee brewing in our home. My Grandpa drank coffee, but I have no childhood emotions or memories linked to coffee at all.

When I was 16, I was working in a small office where one of my duties was to brew a pot of coffee each day for my boss. I was invited to have some anytime I wanted; thus began my coffee drinking experience. I felt so grown up with my mug of coffee, heavy with cream and sugar, but never drank coffee outside the office.

And then at 17, I ventured into a new religion and swore off all alcohol, coffee, tea, and caffeinated drinks. My coffee days were over, but I didn't miss it. It wasn't a big deal to me. So 16 years went by and I never tasted another sip of coffee. When I stopped going to church and decided to find my own spiritual path, I was curious about coffee once again. I remember my first venture to a Starbucks drive-thru; I had no idea what a "latte" or an "Americano" or an "espresso" was, and felt rather flustered trying to order something to try. But everyone raved, so it must be good. I had a latte, wasn't a big fan, and didn't go back for a long time. It took me a few tries to find something sweet enough and rich enough that I enjoyed, but I *wanted* to like Starbucks. All my friends did. It must be good....

Years went by. I tried coffee here and there but never was a fan of the bitterness. Oh, if you throw enough sugar and cream in it, it is great, but that is a dessert, not a drink. It ended up being more like a hot milkshake when I got done adding things. On and off through the years I tried it. When I started losing weight four years ago, I switched to tea. I went through a massive tea obsessive phase and still have about 50 different kinds of teas in my cupboard from it. For awhile I went to green tea for the health benefits. And then, while I was on Medifast, I went back to coffee.

Now I like coffee. Sweet, yes. Not as sweet as before, but I got in the habit of adding a tablespoon of sugar free vanilla creamer to each cup (15 calories) and would have 2 cups every morning. Sometimes, I'd make another cup or two in the afternoon, hot or iced. It always felt like an indulgent treat.

And that's the thing, now. In my head and emotions, coffee has become the "indulgent treat" that I *deserve.* It is something I restricted for some time, couldn't afford for many years, and now that I like it, I very much enjoy going to the grocery store each week and looking for some reasonably priced, on-sale coffee beans to grind in the store's grinder and try at home. It feels special and, in turn, *I* feel special. Strange, I know. It feels like a special little gift I give myself, and only costs about $2 since I grind small amounts at a time for sampling. And I am having a hard time letting it go.

I've tried drinking it black. I've tried it with just a splash of half and half. I've tried "good" coffee and great, expensive coffees I've been gifted. I've tried it with Stevia. But it just doesn't taste good to me unless I add either my favorite sugar free creamer or a lot of sugar and cream. Neither is healthy. It bothers me when I drink it because I want to do better for my body. But am I making a big deal out of nothing?

After all, coffee has antioxidants in it. Some studies say it is good for you. And hey, what's a measly 30 calories a day of sugar free creamer anyway? No biggie, right? But yet, it bothers me, because I am trying to completely stop using artificial sweeteners of all kinds. What to do?

Ideally, my brain says I should just quit the coffee and have green tea every morning, which I can enjoy without any additives. I just feel resistant to give up my coffee 'luxury.'

Not sure what I am doing, except letting myself use the sugar free creamer for a few more days until I figure it out.

Farmer's Market: What a Haul!

I just got back from my local Farmer's Market, and it was just as exciting as it ever was! Look at all the goodness I got:

We have here:

7 ears of bicolor sweet corn
5 big, juicy, organic peaches
7 sweet donut peaches (way to have your healthy donuts!)
2 heaping pints of sun-ripened strawberries
1 heaping pint of blueberries
a generous 4 pounds of crunchy apples (picked yesterday)
1/2 pound of purple "green" beans (which will be featured on my blog! New food for me.)
1 honeydew melon
1 very large cantaloupe
1 red seedless watermelon
10 juicy, sweet plums
a pound of tricolor fingerling potatoes (red, yellow, purple)
3 big zucchinis
a pound of little carrots with greens attached
a large bunch of beets with the greens (my favorite part!)
a bag of tricolor sweet baby tomatoes (red, yellow, purple "chocolate" tomatoes)
a gorgeous bunch of fresh basil

Lots of food for my family for the coming week! We have already been eating the berries, peaches, and plums and I plan to have tomatoes with basil in a salad for lunch and tomorrow will make a roast with boiled fingerling potatoes and yellow beans from my neighbor's garden for dinner.

I spent $52 on the food listed and pictured above. Excluding the basil, which cost $2 and weighs just a few ounces, there is 42 pounds of food on the table. So aside from the basil, I paid $50 for 42 pounds of food, which comes to $1.19/pound. I think that is pretty darn good for food that was all grown locally, much of it organic, almost all of it farmed without any pesticides or other sprays, and most of it picked yesterday. My family is much healthier for it! It makes me happy to see the kids chowing down on apples, plums, and carrots rather than processed junk.

And now I am off to cut up that cantaloupe!

Zzzzz...

I am home, exhausted, and going to post more tomorrow, but wanted to leave a little update before I go to bed. I feel like my lifestyle has truly changed so much. I had so much fun today visiting various parks just to explore and take walks, breathe the fresh air, bird watch, and see nature. It is awesome! Again I walked several miles today. I love being more active and involved in life.

I get the feeling, though, that I might be eating more than my body really needs. Just a sense I got today as I ate. It's healthy, natural food, but without the artificial construct of scales, measuring cups, calorie/carb counting and "shoulds" of eating, all I have to go by is how my body feels. And today I just had the sense of "I am taking in too much." So I am going to listen to that and cut my portions back a bit and see how that feels.

I plan to go to the Farmer's Market in the morning and bring home plenty of fresh produce that will make up the bulk of my intake for the coming week. I hope to find at least one new thing to share with you on each visit. I love fresh produce!

Good night!

Some Stuff I Ate

Hi there! I am still out of town and writing on my netbook in a hotel with my daughter asleep on the bed next to me. Here are some of the delicious things I nourished my body with today and yesterday:

freshly made hummus drizzled with olive oil, fresh mixed green salad with Mediterranean herbs and veggies and Kalamata olives, grilled chicken, and a small amount of curried rice

cheese pizza with a freshly made crust and a mixed wild greens salad with carrots, tomatoes, cashews, feta cheese, and raspberry vinaigrette

hard boiled eggs, whole wheat toast, and strawberry yogurt

raw almonds to snack on

one hand formed burger patty on a bun with extra lettuce and red ripe tomatoes, unsweetened iced tea, and a few (shared) hand cut, skin-on, freshly made fries

one piece of exquisite, authentic, freshly made Baklava filled with walnuts and cashews

NO FAST FOOD
NO PACKAGED JUNK
NO PROCESSED CRAP

I am thoroughly enjoying this way of eating. My body feels nourished. My soul feels cared for. I am happy.

I chose to stay in a hotel right in the center of the city so that we could walk almost everywhere we need to go. We walked to the theater, to the dog park, to the playground, to the restaurants, and all around the area to various tourist spots. I think we walked about 5 miles today. I am wiped out, in a good way. I will be sleeping well tonight!

Tomorrow, plans for more miles of walking, playing, good eating and then we head home. I'll write more then!

This Is Not Intuitive Eating

Several of you commented on my last post and mentioned "intuitive eating" and my new "no rules" approach. So I thought I'd clarify a bit what I am thinking here.

I have read several books by Geneen Roth starting with this one back in the early 90's. I was so excited to read about a woman who lost weight by eating a plate of cookie dough every night until she didn't want it anymore. So I tried listening to my body and eating what I wanted. The problem is, I ate cookie dough every night for weeks, and brownie batter, and bags of chips, and I never got tired of them or sick of them or full "enough." And that has been the issue every time I try to do "intuitive eating." My intuition is muddled by my eating disorder. I cannot always tell if it is my body or my brain or my addiction talking when a food calls to me. It just is not an option for me.

When I said I am sick of rules, I don't mean I am lying on the couch in glee eating boxes of chocolates and bags of Cheetos thinking I will lose weight. I have sense. I want to be healthy. I am just very, very sick of dieting restrictions. You can call it a lifestyle til the cows come home but if it involves food lists, weighing, measuring, counting, etc, those are all restrictive behaviors. And that is not a bad thing! I am all for being restrictive and making whatever rules YOU need to lose weight or be healthy or reach your goals. I have had various levels of restriction all during this journey and surely will again. And even now, I am not *ruleless.* As I said yesterday, I ask myself if a food will nourish me. And sometimes, I decide to have a food that has no real nourishment for my body but has something about it that nourishes my soul. If I feel icky after I eat something I know I made a mistake. But the goal here is to base my intake on whole, fresh foods like I did before. I loved going to the Farmer's Market every week and then from November through April taking a weekly trip to the produce section for whatever produce is in season then. It was FUN making seasonal foods all year round. I miss that. I want it back. I am taking it back.

Dieting and rules is what got me to 278 pounds. I binge-diet-binge-diet-cycle'd my way up and down the hell scale for almost 20 years. I am DONE. No more cycles. Something I have learned about binge eating disorder is that it "needs" a guilt/restrict phase and an indulge/freedom stage. I have looped my eating like that for so long. But taking the restriction/dieting obsession out of the picture reduces the need and desire for food/binge obsession. I have to get BOTH under control to win this. I feel like I have it down about 75%. The rest will come.

If I don't trust my 'intuition' to make decisions about what I am eating, then what do I trust? My intelligence. I trust what I KNOW is good for me along with listening to my body *when the two match up.* For example, if I were to think, "hmmm, what should I eat? What does my body want?" and the answer is carrots with hummus or some salmon or watermelon, I eat it. If the answer is Cheetos, I say "um, no, try again...." If the answer is homemade ice cream, I stay with it and decide if that will nourish me. If it will, I have some. Fresh, homemade, no crap ice cream in a moderate portion. Or I make "ice cream" from frozen bananas in the food processor. Just the other day I was putting walnuts on my Greek yogurt and thought, "geez, this is a lot of calories. I had walnuts on my oatmeal, too." But I know the nutritional value of walnuts, and I know my body is wanting them, so I had them. I did not eat a whole bag of walnuts. I know I can gain weight on healthy food. But right now, I am just easing back into eating healthy, whole, nourishing foods in moderate amounts and not worrying about weight. If my pants get too tight I will have to cut back a bit. No problem. After a month of this I expect my desires and brain and body to sort of chill out and know it is getting fed, and when the cardio is added back in the weight will come off.

Even though I just got back from vacation, I am heading down the road again for a 3+ hour drive this morning to take my daughter to a kids' concert. She is so excited! Of course the pup is coming with us. She goes everywhere! We will be back on Thursday but this time the netbook is coming with me so I can blog. It will be interesting to see how my eating goes on this trip. I always find it more challenging to eat well on the road but I will share how it goes.

Enjoy your day!

Full Circle

Four years ago when I came back from that vacation I have often mentioned (the one where I weighed 278 pounds and needed the handicapped access to the beach and even then could only stay 10 minutes), I knew I needed to make big changes. I had dieted for years, but this time was different. I'm not sure if I really believed it would stick, but I just took one step after another, not giving up, changing things as I went along to maintain success.

I am there again now. It's the same time of year that I began this blog four years ago and started to truly change my life. I weigh almost 100 pounds less than I did then, but am at the same point of "something has to give." And I have come full circle to the same focus and strategy I had when I began.

I remember it well. I wasn't sure just what to do; I'd already done Weight Watchers, Atkins, South Beach, calorie counting, Jenny Craig, OA, on and on and on the list could go. But my epiphany came because my daughter was seeing a nutritionist because of her multiple health issues, and we were given coupons good for $20 worth of fresh produce at the local Farmer's Market. I almost never went over there. Why bother? I never ate vegetables anyway and you couldn't get Little Debbies there. But hey, $20 is $20, and I was not going to let it go to waste, so away we went.

Wow. It was such an eye opener! I never knew so many different fruits and vegetables grew right here in my own area! I came away with watermelon, cantaloupe, honeydew, cherries, apples, peaches, carrots, corn on the cob, green beans, baby red potatoes, tomatoes, and squash. When I came home, my kitchen was packed with all that fresh goodness, and that became my "diet" plan. All I did at first was try not to eat junk food and focus on eating all that produce before it spoiled. And I lost weight. I didn't count calories, or measure anything, or limit my intake of produce at all. I just ate it and started walking... out the door and across the street to the mailbox and back at first, then slowly working up to a block, then two, then three. That was my plan, and I felt good, and it worked.

There did come a time I stalled and had to start counting calories and biking to keep losing weight. And then came the crazy plateau from hell... 20 months up and down with no net loss whatsoever, even though I counted calories and exercised the whole time. The problem was the occasional binges. I could eat on plan 90% of the time... enough to drop 4 or 5 pounds a month... but then the binges a couple times a month negated the work I had done. I easily would regain that 4 or 5 pounds during a couple days of binge eating. And this went on for almost 2 years. It's all right here on my blog, written almost daily as it was happening. It was tough.

Then came Medifast to break me out of that plateau. I went from 234 to 175 pounds in about 8 months. Awesome! And I learned new eating habits that I will keep with me forever. I learned how to stop the binges for the most part. But over the winter and spring I have struggled a lot. I have not lost anymore weight. In fact I regained a bit and fluctuated between 180 and 195 over the months. Time for something new.

Or something old.

I am tired of rules. I am tired of restrictions. I have always been dismayed when people who've lost weight would tell me I would *always* have to count calories or carbs or weigh and measure my food for the rest of my life. I don't want that! I never wanted it. Maybe it is true. I dunno. I probably will end up counting calories and such again at some point, but right now all I want is freedom. I am listening to my body and making very few rules about what I "can" eat. I look at a food and decide whether it will nourish me or not. I try to eat when I am hungry and stop when I am full. I pay attention to my blood sugar levels, which I can feel/sense after having been on Medifast and getting used to a very stable blood sugar level from eating every 2-3 hours. I still keep that schedule. And I am back to the Farmer's Market strategy. Go, buy a bunch of fresh produce, then make sure to eat it all before it goes bad. That doesn't leave a lot of room for eating junk! I am adding back in more walking, biking, and other activity. That's it. No counting, no weighing, not now. Maybe later. But for now it's just trying to be in tune, eating local fresh stuff, moving more, and weighing once a week or less. We'll see how it goes. Will tweak as needed.

For now, I am enjoying eggs, tomatoes from the garden, yellow beans from the neighbor's garden, Greek yogurt with walnuts and local lavender honey, fresh strawberries, oatmeal with flax, spinach, and all the wonderful foods I love.

I Am Back, and the Universe is Talking to Me

I am so glad to be back after a very fun week at the coast. It was a great trip with lots of sand, sun, forests, campfires, seagulls, and time unplugged, but it is always so good to come home.

I went with an agenda: to quiet the external inputs I am constantly assaulted with in daily life and to just listen to my body, heart, and soul and just BE. There I was, without a scale, without a blog, a computer, a TV, a phone, a food scale, and for several days without even a mirror. Just me and my head and my body. Me and nature. Me and the Universe. I had no input from the outside except chatter from my kids and the sensations that go along with camping and the beach: the smell of pine trees and salt water and campfires; the sounds of the waves crashing and birds singing and kids laughing; the sight of sunsets and fallen trees and my pup racing across the beach with absolute joyful freedom. I became very much in touch with my inner and outer self on this trip, and the quiet led me to some new conclusions.

I went to the forest trail we always hike. It's a bit over a mile and a half up ragged, steep terrain to a lighthouse at the top of a cliff. The view is amazing. I blogged about it three years ago with pictures of the trail, and I have gone back to hike it again each year. It's not only a wonderful tradition but also a celebration of how far I have come and a great way to assess my fitness level. Well, my fitness level sucks. Don't get me wrong, the vacation was wonderful, but there were  two sad points (which led to new awareness) which I will mention here. One: you may remember one year ago I went and hiked this trail and it was very tiring to me. I blogged that even though I was much lighter in weight than the last time I hiked it, it was more difficult. I was not as energized and got winded frequently and in fact felt like I was completely spent when I got to the top. This time, last week, was even worse. Granted, the trail was muddier than usual, but we only got about a half mile in and I decided not to continue. My knees were hurting and I already felt exhausted and I turned around and went back down with 3 of my kids.

How did that feel? I felt defeated. I knew at that moment that my focus has GOT to change from weight loss to health and fitness. What good is a lighter, thinner body that does not even function as well as the heavier version? My goal is not to look good. It is to actually BE well. I have not been feeding my body right lately, and it shows. And I have not been moving nor exercising much at all. I am weak. I don't like it.

Sad point two: we were driving along the beautiful Oregon highway 101 beside the ocean just chatting away about inane things when traffic suddenly slowed. A heavy logging truck was pulled to the side of the road and a few cars were stopped. And there by the side of the road was a man, lying dead after the bicycle he was riding collided with said logging truck. It had happened only moments prior, and was, to me, just horrifying. There he was, face down on the pavement, so still, his torn pants fluttering gently in the ocean breeze. Just moments before, he was enjoying the forest and the air and the beauty of life. And now, in a split second, he was gone. It seems so wrong to me whenever I read or hear about a tragic death, that life goes on all around us while others grieve and mourn. It seemed so wrong that we drove past, just feet from his lifeless body while a few random people milled about, no one kneeling by his side or trying to revive him because there was no reviving to be done. It broke my heart for his family who was probably just living their life at that very moment and had no idea what had happened. It upset me for a long time and I prayed for his friends and family to have peace. It drove home to me how precious life is and how everything can change in a second.

The Universe seemed to speak to me as I hiked and walked and sat on the driftwood watching the waves roll in. Take care of yourself, it said. Stop fighting yourself.

More than a week before I left, I sent my monthly food order in to Medifast so I could have lots of portable options to bring with me on vacation: ready-to-drink shakes, puffs, bars, and the new BBQ and Pizza Bites. Several days later, I hadn't heard anything so I emailed again. I have had nothing but great, attentive support from Medifast in the 17 months I have been on their program, so I knew something was amiss. I waited. Still nothing. And so on Sunday we left and I took the portable Medifast food I had which was really not enough to get through a week, and by day 2 on vacation I was eating what everyone else was eating (burgers, bananas, the occasional smore over a campfire) and had abandoned the Medifast food altogether (the new Bites were just not cutting it) and trying to figure out what I was going to do when I got back. I kept getting the sense that I need to change direction. With no scales or mirrors or other fake weight-related feedback, all I had was reality, sore knees (from eating sugar), my obvious lack of fitness, fatigue, and the true desire to change my HEALTH, not my weight (although I believe that changing my health would naturally cause more weight loss as a side effect). But I figured I would come home to a big box of Medifast food... my order for the coming month... and would probably eat that until I figured out exactly what direction I am going. However, when I got home... no Medifast food. Nothing. No email response, no package, nada. Very uncharacteristic of my experience with them. I hope Renee (my contact at Medifast) is okay. I have to think all my emails to them are being sucked into some weird Internet black hole (aka spam folder) so maybe she will see this post and realize what happened. But regardless, it feels almost like another note from the Universe. Can't continue Medifast with no food. So a new plan it is. A fresh focus on health and fitness... a new direction. I will write more about that later since this post is already mega-long. You may notice I took down the "Weight By Month" feature that I have had in my sidebar for more than 4 years (yes, Happy Bloggiversary to me on August 4th!) and put it in the archives where you can still view it via the sidebar link. In its place will be a new, healthy eating/recipes blog Blogroll later this week. Expect to see lots of new things on my blog, with a return to eating foods based on my local Farmer's Market with lots of pictures and recipes for fresh produce, and perhaps a new exercise/biking log.

It is so good to be back! More later, with vacation pictures :)

*Medifast provided their products for my personal use for free over the past 17 months in return for my blogging about the experience. I was not compensated in any other way by Medifast for my always-honest reviews. Thank you Medifast, it's been real :)