Later, Gator!

I am going completely unplugged. This is the first time in four years that I have "left" my blog for more than a day or two without at least checking in. Usually, I pre-write several posts and leave them to auto-post while I am gone, but with the death of my laptop that just did not happen. So, sadly, this blog will be a 'still life' picture until I get back. Maybe you can go back and read some of the archives (linked on the left side of this page) or some of the healthy eating blogs linked on this post (and please contribute more links if you have a favorite not yet mentioned; I will post a new blogroll when I get back). Also, you can check out my community message board forum, joining in the discussions there and creating new ones. Anyway, I am heading out on what I consider the beginning of a new phase of my journey. I feel I am turning a corner and I am so excited to share all about the changes I am making when I get back.

See you soon!

Good News, Bad News

Good news, bad news.

Good news: kitty will make a full recovery! Apparently the wounds under her chin were caused by an animal bite, hidden under her black fur, which then became infected. The vet cleaned her up and gave her a shot of antibiotics that is good for 2 weeks, so I don't have to force pills down her throat (yay). She is currently restricted to being an inside cat and I am cleaning her wound twice a day, during which she purrs in appreciation. SO glad I am not getting scratched instead!

Bad news: my laptop died :( The computer gurus said the hard drive is shot. This is not only annoying but terribly inconvenient, as it had all my links, favorites, sites, passwords, and pictures on it (but the computer guys recovered a lot of it onto a disk) and I am having to use my teeny netbook which has almost no hard drive. I can't buy a new laptop til I get back from my trip, which means (with shipping time) another 2 weeks or more without a laptop. Therefore, you will not be seeing as many posts and/or pictures from me as I had planned. However, I am super glad it was the laptop that died and the cat that is making a recovery, and not the other way around.

That's about all I can stand to type for now. Catch you later!

Healthy Eating Blogs

Hey all! Just a brief note as I am still waiting for word on my laptop (and am typing on this ridiculous little netbook that I need a magnifying glass for) and am taking the kitty to the vet this morning (will update on her condition soon). But I am going to be putting together a healthy eating blogroll here shortly and would love your input! I am looking for blogs that are primarily posts with pictures and perhaps recipes of healthy meals. One of my favorites is Kath Eats Real Food (I have others, but their links are in my favorites on my laptop! I sure hope those are recoverable). I am looking for blogs that focus on posting healthy recipes and/or share pictures of their healthy daily intake. I am hoping the new blogroll will be an inspiration to those of us who are trying to come up with delicious, healthy meals and snacks. They can be low carb, whole foods, clean eating, whatever. Doesn't matter. The more pictures, the better!

So, what are YOUR favorite healthy eating blogs? Please share in the comments and when I get back from vacation I will check them all out and put together a blogroll. In the meantime, enjoy checking out the links people leave. Thanks so much for sharing!

Letting Go

Oh my goodness... our kitty has a problem!! My daughter went to pet her under the chin and all her fur is gone and the skin is bright red and sore. It is the whole area under her chin and totally not visible until you tip her head up. It probably has been an issue for at least a few days but because of where it is, we never saw it. I have no idea what it could be! She is acting fine otherwise but of course we have a call in to our vet (two vets, actually, trying to get her in ASAP) who will call if they can get her in today. Otherwise we are taking her in tomorrow. Man, what a bad time to have a sick/injured cat! She is 12 years old. I hope it is a simple fix and heals quickly. We are leaving this weekend for the beach and I will have to make sure someone is here who can care for this sore spot and give medication if needed.

In other news, I had a thought the other day that I have been subconsciously trying to channel my mom. If you've read my blog, you know I had an iffy relationship with her and have spent a long time healing from the pain she caused me while she was alive and in the months following her death. I have had this mixture of anger, resentment, peace, forgiveness, love, and disdain for her over the years. I have always felt I did not want to be ANYTHING like her, shunning the alcoholism, the fanatical religiousness, the self-absorption, and just about everything else I could shun. I have a bubbling, brewing, (festering?) desire to NOT be like her. And yet, in some way, perhaps I have been trying in a primal, subconscious way to connect to my mother via my weight and eating issues.

Crazy, isn't it? But one thing I learned while I was a foster parent is that children love their mothers. They love them if they are good mothers, and they love them if they are bad mothers. They love them even if they have abused them, beaten them, verbally attacked them, ignored them, starved them, and rejected them. Children, at least most children, deeply desire their mother's love, affection, and approval. And while I gave up on getting any of those things long ago... decades before my mother passed away... perhaps the inner child still wants to connect and be loved by a mother long gone.

Part of me, I think, feels there is this one thing that connects me to my mother. We had nothing in common... nothing but our obesity. She never saw me fat, never even knew I was obese, until very late in her life. When I came to her on her deathbed, I think she was surprised as she lay there dying to see her daughter in such a state. I was somewhere between 245 and 275 pounds at the time, and she, too, was morbidly obese. She laid eyes on me, and for once in my adult life I saw regret in her eyes and she said, "you know I always loved you." No, no actually I didn't. I still don't. But I said "I know, mom. I love you too."

She died in my arms and I wanted to forgive her. She left notes in her closet calling me to repentance (for what? I never understood) and a will specifically leaving me out and devoting everything to her church. Nothing to my children who lived in poverty with me at the time. Not even my father's things. She left family heirlooms to people I didn't even know, and her friends taunted me before her body was even cremated with the fact that she left me nothing. It was cold, and cruel, and it hurt me as much as watching her die had hurt. Even from beyond the grave, couldn't she have loved me? I always wished there had been a note of love instead of notes of condemnation. It's been difficult to let go of, yet I think in my own way I have.

So why do I try to channel her with my weight? Why do I feel connected to my mother as I battle my eating as she did every day of my childhood? Why do I feel like I am betraying her when I become thinner? I got to leave obesity... she never did... and it feels like yet another massive gorge between my mother and I.

I guess I will always long for her approval and acceptance. I guess part of me looks up to heaven and says "see mom? Look, I am like you! We are the same! I understand what you went through. I am going through it too. Do you love me now?" It is the only thing we have in common. Yet the other part of me knows we are not alike, not really, We share some genes. I see her in the mirror sometimes, or in my children's faces. I loved her even though she did not know how to love me back. Staying fat or losing weight won't change that. Neither state will bring us closer. It is something I am finally coming to accept.

It has been ten years since my mother died. I think when I go to the ocean next week, I will talk to her in the waves. She always loved the ocean, although she never took me there with her. But when I stand on the opposite coast of the United States and look west at the sunset a decade after she last looked east at the sunrise, perhaps I can let her know somehow that I am letting go of that last thing I felt was connecting us, and instead embracing the life she gave me and living it to the fullest.

Ready

I woke up this morning, booted up the ol' Toshiba laptop, and got the blue screen of death. Twice. And then... nothing. Even worse than nothing, the next time I started it I got a creaking, crackling noise from the hard drive and the message, "operating system not found." Niiiice. So I tried a few things the local computer gurus suggested, including safe mode, hard disk scan, startup repair, etc, but it appears the hard drive may be at least partly fried. The gurus will be looking it over and giving me a diagnosis in a few days. Meanwhile, here I am, blogging on my teensy netbook (which I bought for travel and *love* for reading and doing light stuff in hotels, but wowsers, this little keyboard and tiny screen is something else to blog on!) I am a little distracted and my thoughts don't flow as freely on this thing, but I'm here, anyway!

I feel like I am on the edge of something. It is like standing at the edge of the ocean, maybe, watching the giant waves crash in and then roll right up to your feet and wash backwards. Or like standing at the edge of a cliff when you've climbed a high mountain and you're looking out over the tops of the forest below. (I would insert a picture of such a thing right here, as I have one on my laptop from when I went hiking 2 years ago, but that will have to wait). I was on the edge of something back in 2007. I knew it. I felt it. I was on my vacation at the beach (with extended family, in a beach house), and I was sad... so sad, at such a beautiful place with people I loved and my sweet little daughter had just turned 2 years old, but my weight and poor health made me miserable no matter how much joy was surrounding me. I could not go down and walk on the beach with my children. I sat in the beach house while my sons all went swimming and surfing and playing on the beach all day with their cousins. I looked out the window for hours and wondered what they were doing. What kind of vacation is that? What kind of *life* is that? And so it was, that while they were out playing on the beach and I was alone in the house with my daughter napping, I got out my camera and took those pictures you see at the top of my blog, in the sidebar... the 'before' pictures in the black stretch capris and white shirt, where I weighed at least 278 pounds and knew I could not live that way anymore. I took so many pictures in that mirror, of my face, my back, my side, my chins, my behind. I knew I was on the edge of something big. I knew the pictures would mean something, someday, because they were taken at a defining moment of my life. Someday I will share them here. ALL of them. With my face showing. And there will be afters, too. Because even now, 30ish pounds from my goal, the change is dramatic.

Once again I am headed to the beach with my kids. No beach house this time... just a no-frills, one room camping cabin without a bathroom or running water (just shelter and a light, basically) and then at the end of the trip we will stay at another site in a cheap motel right on the ocean with windows that look right out over the waves. There won't even be a mirror, this time, but my kids will take pictures of me I am sure. I want them to. I am on the edge of something again, like I was four years ago before I began this blog. I feel it in the air... another defining moment... and I imagine it coming to me as I walk the beach and climb the mountains. I know it is coming and I am ready. So ready.

Sorting It Out

I think losing all this weight has put me into some kind of identity crisis.

I feel like so many parts of my identity are gone or morphed into something else, and new bits and pieces and aspects are cropping up and trying to incorporate themselves into Who I Am.

As I was walking my dog to the park yesterday, I had an introspective moment. I noticed my pants were almost falling off me. I had to keep hiking them up as I walked. They were baggy. And I had this split second of "if I gained ten pounds these would fit perfectly." Crazy, right? It was almost like my subconscious talking. It just popped into my head. At the same time I felt like the fat person I have been for so long. Baggy loose pants, feeling a bit sloppy (and tired), wanting to just turn around and go home and sit on the couch for awhile.

Who am I? The tired lady in the baggy clothes? The getting-healthy woman who likes activity? A stay-at-home Mom... or not? It's unsettling enough that I look in the mirror and see someone new, even though it does please me. But I also see someone older. Someone with no little babies. Someone whose kids will all be gone to school or college full-time in a month.

My whole identity was that of Mother of Little Ones. And the physical identity was Fat Lady Trying to Lose Weight but Can't. Now, of course I am still a mother but of mostly grown children, and I think I have had a hard time letting go of that physical identity. As someone pointed out in a comment recently, if I lose all the weight, then what? That is my struggle, my identity. What will I be, then? One can only be a "weight loss success story" for so long before that, too, fades and becomes just regular life. Then what is left?

So I am trying to sort it all out. Get over some things. Let some things go. Allow new bits and pieces in, like my new dedication to dog sports and my desire to eat fresh, local, organic, free range foods. But yes, I do think I am sort of in an identity crisis trying to hang onto some things and dispose of others.

Bottom line is I think I need to quit hanging on to part of my identity that is not working for me anymore. I need to adopt new ways and patterns in thought and action. It isn't enough anymore to just WANT to be something else. I have to BE it.

I am going to the beach with five kids next week. There is something about the sand and the trees and the vastness of the ocean, combined with the peace of the forests, the exertion of hiking and the lack of television, phones, and regular chores that is ideal for introspection. I have discovered many things about myself and my life while at the beach. Something about not having a microwave or a stove and having to walk a ways to get to a bathroom... something about the environment... it's very conducive to self-reflection. I am going to be doing a lot of thinking while I am away, and I hope to come back with a fresh outlook. A new plan. A better idea of who I really am.

I Don't Like Food Anymore...

This might not be the healthiest thing I could say, but it is the most honest. I think I am developing a real dislike of food, and eating in general.

Now don't get me wrong. I do enjoy a well-prepared healthy meal, or a fresh ripe juicy tomato from the garden. I do still see junky stuff like cookies or even a yummy homemade/not junky fresh baked pumpkin loaf, and I want to eat those things. Only, I don't. And the brain conflict and food experiences I have had over the last couple of years have left me truly wishing I never had to eat.

Maybe it is just an extreme swing in the 'other' direction after having spent decades *obsessed* with food and eating. I think in time it will level out and I will have a healthy relationship with food. But right now, if I could take an appetite suppressant, never get hungry, and have an IV pump on my arm giving me exactly the nutrients I need to be healthy, I would be pleased to not have to look at or eat food AT ALL. Period.

Then again, if I had a nutritionist and chef who sat down and calculated my nutritional needs and cooked all my meals for me and presented them to me at appropriate times, I wouldn't mind eating, either. So maybe it isn't food I am sick of, but thinking/planning/cooking it. Not really sure.

When I have gone off plan and eaten stuff I was dreaming about, it never tastes that great. I am ALWAYS disappointed. I thought it would be soooo super awesome to have a super special cupcake from the super fancy bakery, but when I bought it and started eating it, it was not that great. It was okay, just not the OMG THIS IS AMAZING experience I expected. When I was craving lasagna, and finally caved and made myself some, it totally sucked because instead of being a transcendent high it was... just a piece of lasagna. Just noodles and stuff. Nothing OMG SO FANTASTIC. And when I decided to finally go ahead and have that club sandwich at a restaurant, it was... just a sandwich. Just bread and lettuce and stuff. I mean it was fine. It tasted fine. But it didn't change my life. It didn't do what I thought it would do. It was a total letdown. So was the ice cream sundae I thought FOR SURE would take me to a new plane of happiness. But can you believe this... it was just.... ice cream. And toppings. And I didn't give a crap if I finished it, and I don't give a crap if I never have one again.

All of this would be okay except I feel the same way about pretty much everything lately. Spinach salad? Meh. Steak prepared on the grill just the way I like it? So what, it is just meat. Scrambled eggs and fresh peppers for breakfast? Sigh, what a drudgery, who cares? I only eat it because I have to, to be healthy... to be sustained. And I do get hungry and sometimes feel light-headed if I wait too long to eat. I need to eat. But I wish I didn't.

Okay, so maybe this means I am at a new (good?) place in my life where food IS just food, it does NOT mean anything else to me anymore. Hey, I have wished for that to happen. It's a good thing, in a way. But I have been coping with it in two different ways:

1) At first, I didn't know what was happening. I didn't like it. What?? Eating this ice cream does nothing for me??? I better try it again. Maybe a bag of M&M's will do it. No? Maybe some Belgian chocolate then... how about some chips?? Why is nothing working??

2) And then, when I realized that my food has become just FOOD, I had to sit down and figure out how to get in the correct amount of nutrition without having to constantly force feed myself stuff I don't care about.

One of the nice things about being on Medifast is that I can just drink a shake and be done with it. I don't have to care about it, think about it, interact with it, or anything. I just drink it. Nourished. Done. However I have been struggling with the whole "Lean and Green" meal thing because I have to prepare my meat/protein, my healthy fats, and my vegetables every day and NOTHING sounds good anymore! So what I ended up doing is buying a whole lot of plain, nonfat Greek yogurt and large bags of fresh baby spinach. Twelve ounces of Greek yogurt is a "Leanest" portion and 3 cups of baby spinach is a Green. I can add the Greek yogurt and the spinach to my Medifast shakes. I can also add spinach to my Medifast scrambled eggs or soups. Or I can eat the Greek yogurt in a bowl, plain or with Splenda, with Barlean's fish oil stirred in for the healthy fat. (I know fish oil in yogurt sounds gross, but Barleans comes in lots of flavors and trust me, does NOT taste fishy! I love it). So right now there is pretty much no prep, no shopping, no thinking. I just have my yogurt and spinach and Medifast meals and feel fine.

I do worry how this is going to work when I switch back to whole foods, though. I mean, if I don't "get" anything out of food (except nutrition), how am I going to decide what to eat? Medifast has a Transition plan that is very detailed, but if it says "3 vegetable servings and one lean protein" for lunch, or "one fruit serving and one dairy serving" for snacks, that still means I have to think, plan, decide, eat. I don't want to trigger myself back into food obsession. I am pretty nervous about how I am going to eat for the rest of my life. Whole foods? Yes. But the actual mechanics? More complex. I figure if all else fails I can keep having Greek yogurt, hard boil a dozen eggs and keep them in the fridge with light string cheese, and make my own protein shakes with spinach in them. I can have nuts and seeds and maybe some grains but it is the whole measure/count/figure out thing that I hate... that I burned out on after two years of blogging and losing 64 pounds.

I think if I can just find and list 3 or 4 breakfasts, lunches, and dinners I enjoy (and a couple of snacks), and just stick with those, that will make the choosing and simplicity doable. We'll see.

Changes Coming

I have some big changes coming in my life this fall, the main one being that my little one will be going to school full time. I admit I am a sad mess about it. I went through this nine years ago with my youngest son, who I thought (was sure) was my last child. When he went to first grade, it just tore me up emotionally. Something about our babies growing up and the seeming *finality* of them entering all-day school... it's hard on a mama. At the time, I was working, but it still just killed me that I no longer had a little one home for at least *most* of the day.

And now, here I am again, blessed to once again (and for truly the last time) be on the cusp of sending my youngest off to first grade. It is much more emotional for me this time. I am 42. There will be no more babies. This is it. And it makes me wish I could turn it back and have her home again for one more year. Then again, it will be kind of nice to actually have TIME again. Last year when she was in kindergarten, she was only gone for 2 1/2 hours Monday through Thursday, and LESS than 2 hours on Fridays, plus I worked (volunteered) in her classroom one day a week. That didn't leave a whole lot of time for me to get things done. If we walked to and from school it left me even *less* actual time. But now, this fall, I think I will have about 5 hours a day, four days a week to myself. (And when I say "to myself," I am not forgetting that actually I now have a puppy who I will be spending a lot of that time with!)

Big changes. Breaks my heart in one way... the ending of an era. Twenty one years of babies. Oh, that part isn't over. She is still my baby! I am still, above all, a Mom. But I have been thinking about what I will do with all this time.

I have a lot of medical stuff (for myself) which has been put off due to time/babysitter constraints, and that stuff is first on the agenda. If you've read for long, you know about my cancer scare and LEEP surgery and also the questionable spots on my mammogram some time back. I am overdue for another mammogram, reproductive exam, and a checkup on the fibroid/cyst issue. I also need to get an eye exam so I can get more contact lenses, and I need to have more allergy testing done so I can get allergy shots (I have life-threatening allergic reactions and have to carry Benedryl and an epi-pen with me at all times. It is no fun going to the ER for a reaction, believe me, so if the allergy shots can reduce my likelihood of death, I totally need to do that). I will also be signing up for more dog training classes (obedience, tracking, maybe some more agility, plus we meet up for dock diving with the local club) and those will be during the day. I will probably still volunteer in my daughter's class one day a week, and heaven knows I need to clean and organize my house on some regular schedule (maybe I will plan to organize one area every Wednesday for an hour, for example). I want to finish my kids' photo albums, I want to start exercising on a regular basis (more than just walking), I am considering finding a counselor to talk to about the remaining weight issues, and I also want to have some true ME time where I crate the puppy, turn off the phone, and just go somewhere out in nature to BE ALONE. I am so used to everyone needing something from me at any given moment that I need to reconnect with *myself* in peace without interruption. And, of course, there's the eating/weight loss stuff I want to focus on.

So there's a lot planned for September. I am not sure how I will get it all into place. I am thinking about actually scheduling all this stuff into a organizer so I don't end up wasting away my time wondering what to do (or surfing the web!) I also need to start generating an income! This is getting kind of urgent. I make enough on my blog ads to pay for my dog sports/expenses, but I think it is time to pursue book-writing and perhaps even putting some more ads on the blog. I know that sucks (the ads part), but I do spend a lot of time on the blog and if I can make a bit of income from it, that will help me be able to continue writing and being a Mom. I really do appreciate your support. Which, if you're so inclined, it would be awesome right now if you are not signed up for ebates yet, you could check it out through my link and see if it is something you'd like. (It pays cash back for shopping online at stores you probably already use, like JC Penney's, Sears, Old Navy, Buy.com, places like that. I use it, it is free, and they have a promo right now that you get $5 cash back or a $10 gift card by signing up through my link (ebates.com) and I get $5-10 for everyone who signs up. Sorry for the pimpage but I am hoping to make a little cash by having ebates on my blog!)

Wow... it has been almost 4 years blogging for me! And like every year, I am taking my kids camping in August. We always go to the coast and camp near the beach, go hiking in the forests, and enjoy each other for several days. In fact it was at the beach four years ago that I had my "I can't live like this anymore" moment, being unable to go down to the beach with my kids, and came home and started this blog. How far I have come in four years! How life has changed.

That's enough for now... will write more about my camping plans another time :)

Stages of Weight Loss

I have spent a lot of time thinking about why I am (still) fat, and why I am not at goal (yet). You'd think after more than a decade of working on it, I'd have it narrowed down to *the reason* or *the issue*. But you know what? The longer I am at this, the more complex it becomes.

Sure, it is simple on the surface. The problem is that I consume more calories than I expend. Period. I eat too much, sometimes, and the wrong (unhealthy) kinds of foods, sometimes. I don't move enough, sometimes. Easy to understand. But I believe there are also mental/emotional stages we go through during weight loss. They are drivers, in a sense, and can lead us to regain (a little or a lot of weight) in order to quell the uncomfortable feelings OR they can lead us to make internal changes consistent with our new weight. Whether we work through these uncomfortable things determines, I believe, whether we do eventually lose the weight and get to goal or not. One cannot live in an emotionally distressing state for long without the body and mind doing what it can to get one back to a state of comfort, even if that means regaining weight.

Some of the stages of weight loss I have gone through (and am going through):

I am too fat! This sucks. I am going to lose weight!
Wheee! I lost some weight! Success!
Oh cool, I can see changes in myself and I like how my clothes are a little looser! This is fun!
I am starting to really love the taste of vegetables!
Wait, I can't have that ice cream? That sucks.
Hey, um, what am I supposed to do with my sadness and stress if I can't EAT it??
This is kind of hard.
Oh man, I love to bake but if I bake I will eat it. But I am a great cook! Who am I if I lose that part of me? I have always been a great cook!
Wow, I am really doing this! I feel awesome! I am so proud of myself!
My fat clothes don't fit anymore! How cool! Um, wait, what am I supposed to wear??
Buying new clothes is freaking me out.
I am sad that my old, comfortable clothes are too big for me. I don't want to stop wearing my favorite sweater!
Hey, these new clothes look great and I love having a smaller size!
I miss having candy bars and cookies. They were yum.
I cannot even look at a salad or a plate of broccoli right now. I am so sick of vegetables!
People are starting to comment on my weight loss! I am excited!
Wait, men are starting to look at my body. This is not comfortable!
People talk to me more and are friendlier to me, how cool!
But... why are they treating me differently, just because of my size? I don't like that.
Hey, my new, smaller clothes are getting too big. I just got them! I liked how they fit. I looked good and now they are getting too big already and what the heck am I going to wear??
Wow, look at how small my waist is getting! I look fantastic!
Holy crap! My skin is sagging off my body and looks horrible! I totally do not like the way my skin is hanging!
My double chins are gone! Yay!
Some creepy guy made a sexual comment to me when I was walking today. I did not like that at all. Men did not bother me when I was fatter...
I am getting kind of nervous. Maybe I am light enough now that a stranger could abduct me, or drag me off, or rape me. I felt safer when I was bigger because men didn't look at me and there is no way anyone could carry me off. I feel sort of vulnerable.
Why are all my larger-sized friends treating me differently, and not wanting to hang out anymore? I miss my friends.
I feel normal and it is so exciting to go out and about and just "be" a regular sized person!
People who don't know I was fat talk about fat people in ways I have never heard before. I cannot believe how people talk about obese people outside their hearing!
I want to eat a cake. Can I just eat a cake, just one more time? A whole cake, just for me.
My body is losing weight disproportionately. I have a thin middle and obese legs. I don't like how I look. I don't look like me anymore.
I got to shop in the regular sized clothing section! How exciting! But... it was kind of stressful. I don't know how to wear that kind of clothes. I kept waiting for someone to point me to the plus sized section.
I love how I can move and fit and do things I couldn't do before! Life is so much richer!
Wait, I don't have morbid obesity as an excuse to check out of life anymore. So, like, if I don't want to go to the park and play, or walk the dog, or mop the floor... even though now I can... does that make me a bad person??
People I haven't seen in ages don't recognize me anymore.
Wow, everyone is raving about my weight loss. I am getting an awful lot of attention. Why is everyone looking at my body? I don't like this...
People tell me I am going to gain it all back.
I should exercise but I don't feel like it.
Meh, I am fine the way I am, I can just cruise along and wait 6 months and then try to lose some more weight later.
Oh my gosh, I am still fat! I really need to get this weight off!
I wonder if everyone is watching and waiting for me to gain it all back.
Crap, my skin is starting to look like crepe paper where the fat is disappearing. I think it makes me look old. I don't want to look old.
I wish people would mind their own business. I hate how people are looking at me to see if I have lost or gained.
I am so proud of myself for learning to feel my feelings instead of eating them.
I am so sick of feeling my feelings. It is exhausting. I just want to eat a bag of chips and zone out for once.
It was easier being fat.

All of these things, I have gone through. I have worked through many of them and am continuing to experience and learn to cope with others. I think it is *essential* to understand your journey, your feelings (positive and negative) about weight loss, and how to be comfortable in your *new life* in order to get to goal and keep it off. I firmly believe that NOT doing this mental work is the main reason so, so many people gain back all the weight. Just look at the blogging world, for example. So many bloggers lose a ton of weight and then gain some, most, or all of it back. I have been reading blogs for 4 years now and while I have seen many folks go from morbidly obese to a normal size, I have also seen most of them regain. Keeping it off is HARD. If you just crack down and focus madly on the physical aspects of weight loss, sure, you can get the weight off at an inspiring speed and get to goal and it's all confetti and cheering, but then you have ALL that mental/emotional work to do at once! If you ignore your feelings on the way down the scale, you might find yourself dealing with them on the way back up. Take it easy. Lose the weight, focus on the physical but also pay attention to how you *really* feel. Usually, a regain, even a small one, is a sign of some underlying discomfort that one needs to acknowledge.

All those thoughts and feelings are not excuses to stall or regain. They are true, deep emotions that are perfectly normal when going through such a huge, life-changing experience. If you don't think about them and feel them now, they will crop up later.

I am happy to say that while I have thought and felt ALL of the things I listed above, I also have worked through 90% of them. How? Just by thinking and feeling. You might need to grieve some things or talk about them with people or just think them through and let yourself be sad or mad or frustrated or whatever. If you don't stuff them down, eventually acceptance comes. And with it comes healing.

I hope this is as helpful to you as it has been for me. Try making your own list or timeline of emotions as you are losing weight, and stay aware of what is *really* driving your eating. Success will come.

Another Round

Is it bad that I find myself not really caring about weight loss, food, and exercise right now?

I keep asking myself that...

Maybe I am just at a point I am comfortable with myself and not in an urgent "need to work on this" state. Maybe I am slightly burned out thinking about it *at all* after nearly 4 years blogging.
Not sure.

The only thing that keeps me going with the weight loss is the fact that I need to drop another 20-30 pounds *for my health.* It is essential, especially since I am not getting any younger, here, and it only gets harder to lose weight as we age. Besides, 10 years ago (or even 4 years ago when I had 130ish pounds to lose), if someone had told me they had *only* 20 pounds to lose I would have slapped them silly. Just do it already! Twenty pounds is NOTHING! That's what I'd have said...

I have not gotten on the scale this week, not since that trip out of town for medical stuff. My focus all week was on the trip, the medical stuff, and then returning and preparing for/having/recovering from a large birthday party. After a long weekend of dog sports and two days cleaning my disaster of a house, I finally feel my brain turning back to weight loss. It is sort of a running background music in my life most of the time... I have good habits that I don't have to think about, like drinking lots of water, eating veggies, getting plenty of protein, and walking a couple of miles a day. But it is harder than I thought tackling these last 'measly' 20ish pounds! I need to pay more attention and stop being sloppy with my eating.

Here we go... time for another focused round of pounds off before I go off camping on my vacation!

Walking in Circles

Sometimes I feel like I am walking in circles with my eating. Actually, I feel like I started walking in circles some time ago... years ago... and have not stopped yet. It is dizzying. Does it ever stop? Or do the circles just get bigger?

I don't know when my food obsession/eating issues began. I really can't pinpoint it. I used to be normal. I used to be a kid who played and laughed and dreamed, and eating was a great fun thing sometimes and an annoyance at others, but I never remember having food in my head and wanting it so bad it drove me nuts. If I wanted a candy bar in the store, it was simply because I saw it in the checkout aisle. If my mother said no, so what? I forgot about it the next minute. If she said yes, that was fine too. I'd eat it, enjoy it, and forget about it.

Even in college, I was normal. There was a little sandwich shop near our apartment, and they had the most delicious subs. In the year that I lived by that sandwich shop, I think I ate there 3 times. They were the kind of subs that *now* I would obsess over: they handed you a checklist when you walked in, and you simply checked off all the ingredients you wanted on your sub. You could have 4 kinds of meat and 3 kinds of cheese and a flavored mayo and some cream cheese and olives on it or whatever you wanted, on one of many kinds of freshly baked bread. And it was amazing. But I never, ever in that year obsessed about going there for a sub, even though I had to walk past it every day. I never wished and hoped and scraped my pennies together to go get one. When I got one it was good, and when I didn't, I just didn't think about it. I was normal, and I wasn't walking in circles with my eating yet. I was walking a straight line. And I was thin.

Even when I started gaining weight, which was after I lost a baby (my second pregnancy), it wasn't really about food or dieting or obsessing or anything. I was just not as aerobically active because I had a little one to care for, and I was eating more because I was hungrier while breastfeeding, and I was learning to be a better cook so there were yummier things around to eat. That's all. I had some pregnancy weight, I ate a little too much, I had 20 pounds to lose, so I did. I was still not walking in circles yet.

I am not sure exactly when it happened. It sort of snuck up on me. I think I started eating more when I was stressed out with several little kids to care for and my marriage started falling apart. I didn't even know I was turning to food for comfort, or that I was eating my feelings, but I was. That loaf of bread I baked began to disappear much faster than before. The big pot of cheese soup didn't make leftovers for 3 days anymore. And I somehow got all the way to 200 pounds. And I felt fat, and I had to lose weight pronto. And that, I think, is when my walk became a little more crooked and a little less straight. That first circle turned into another circle and another and when I ended up divorced with four little kids ages 1 to 7, I was walking in spirals so tight they'd make your head spin. Eat, diet, indulge, restrict, eat, diet, get fatter, fatter, fatter... it was insane. All the emotional turmoil and no one to turn to for support was just too much. I was in dire straits then. I was actually an emotional wreck. And my eating habits reflected that.

I worked, I stressed, I ate. I went to the food bank for nourishment for my babies and came out with a grocery cart full of day-old bread and cake and donuts. It was discouraging. I cried because I "should be" grateful for the free food they were giving me but I knew it was not what I should be eating, much less feeding my children. But when you have 19 cents in your checking account, there aren't a lot of options.

I hit my all-time high about then: 227 pounds. Then 245. Then I began what turned into a seemingly endless cycle of lose weight, gain weight. Atkins, South Beach, Weight Watchers, "lifestyle change," calorie counting, OA, support groups, you name it, it "worked" but then it didn't. I wasn't ready. I was too stressed. I *needed* to overeat. 229, 262, 245, 270, 237, 278. Yep, 278, which I hit in 2005 about the time I got pregnant with my daughter. I did get down to 257 after she was born, but then went right back to 278 again (the doctor's charts say 282 or 283 at one point). And that is when I started this blog.

The circles have continued, but have loosened. I lose a chunk, I regain slightly, maintain a bit, then start losing again. The stretches between gains is much longer, and the gains themselves are remarkably smaller. There was no "maintenance" back when I was circling madly. It was up and down, up and down with barely a pause at the lower weights and a massive rebound to a new high often followed. Now, the circles are slower and larger. I feel more stable. But they are still happening.

I wonder if they will ever stop. I often think about what it would be like to be normal again... to walk a straight line with my weight and eating. Do you think that is possible? Can a person who has spent decades spinning like a top in regards to their eating put on the brakes and just BE? Can the food obsession end... not just for weeks or months, as I have experienced, but forever?

I wonder. But for now, my focus is just on continuing to slow and widen the circles I walk, so that they don't affect me as much... so I can think and decide and choose the direction I am going instead of just flinging wherever the momentum takes me.

Time Budget

Wow, it is almost midnight. I ought to get to bed soon.

I have a hard time getting to sleep at night when I have a lot of stuff pressing on my mind. I often write out my feelings if something is bugging me, or make a list if it is *things I need to do* that is keeping me awake. My list gets longer every year, though.

One constant, recurring theme over the past ten or fifteen years has been the sense that I don't have time for everything. That I have too many things vying for my attention. It used to be work, school, pets, housework, kids, church, volunteering. I had a hard time budgeting my time. It's almost the same as budgeting money. Like back when I was barely making ends meet and had $50 to my name for the rest of the month. And it was winter, and one kid had holes in his shoes and another had no decent socks and we needed food and so did the dog and one of the kids had a birthday coming up and the phone bill was overdue and the car was almost out of gas. What the heck do you do with that? It's hard. You cannot turn $50 into $200 even if it is really $200 that you need. So you have to pick. Sometimes we picked gas, because I had to go to work. We might squeak by with food bank food, a clearance gift for the birthday, and making the dog eat cat food until next paycheck. But some stuff just didn't get paid or bought and that was just the way it was.

And it's like that with time. You have 24 hours, period. You need to sleep and eat and bathe, right? And the other stuff, you have to decide what gets your time. For me, it is always a game of "which is more important?"

I have had to learn to prioritize because I have too much to do. Just like most everyone else does. Time with my kids, errands to run, walking and training the dog, cleaning and cooking and doing the laundry, yard work and paperwork and all the other things an adult has to do. And the things that have gone by the wayside freak me out a little:

photo albums and baby books: I have had a goal to work on these every year. I used to get them done. But not since 2001 or so. All my kids' albums and book stop there. I want to put them together. It is important to me. But it always gets put on the back burner.

exercise: I make and remake goals and plans for more exercise. I start and stop and start and stop by arm exercise routine, my physical therapy exercises, my biking. But I never stay consistent, mainly because when I do finally have "free" time (after about 10pm, like tonight) I am so exhausted that I cannot imagine trying to exercise then. Instead, I do some winding down... easier stuff, like reading, paying bills, blogging, answering emails, and yes... making lists. And it is easier for me to kill 2 birds with one stone by walking the dog a couple miles a day: we BOTH get some exercise.

organization: lemme tell you, it is hard for me. I have boxes and piles and rooms full of stuff that needs to be organized. But I just don't get to it. It is all I can do to keep up with the house and yard work around here. Yes, kids do help, but 2 are working/college students and one just finished kindergarten. Not a lot of help going on there (but some, yes). And when you have the *stuff* of 21 years of mothering 5 biological kids, 3 stepkids, and 5 foster kids, it piles up and gets away from you.

I have mentioned not having enough time before, and sometimes I get "suck it up and do it all" comments. People say "where there's a will there's a way." Well, maybe. It's like that $50 I used to have to cover $200 of expenses with. We made it through, and I did get out of that condition... BUT no, I could not buy my kid new shoes that month. I just could not. And I have to wonder if the "suck it up" folks understand the full-time job being a mom to many kids is. Especially when you're doing it pretty much alone.

My days are full and joyful. I just wish there was more time. Yet I am thankful for the wonderful children and pets that I freely give my time to. This fall, when the kids are all in school full time, I will have lots more time alone. I am sort of dreading it, but also excited to see the changes that will enable me to make in my life. A cleaner house, maybe? More time to train the pup? An hour in the morning to bike and lift? Perhaps I can plant that flower garden I've always wanted to create. Time for me? More sleep? Going back to work, perhaps? Or will I take care of medical needs I have put off, and perhaps try again to find a counselor who understands eating disorders? We'll see.

And with that, it is time for bed. Good night!

Eating is Not the Focus

You know, every time I think "I've got this!", it sort of falls apart and I have to work to get it back.

It's been like that from the start. No matter what plan I have been on or what I have been doing to get the weight off (because it has changed several times over the years), I go along doing fantastic for awhile and then 'something' happens and I struggle. Maybe the 'something' is a special occasion where rich foods are served. Maybe it is a medical crisis or emotional stress. Maybe it is just me wanting some chips and giving in. Whatever that 'something' is, when I step outside my weight-loss box, it affects the way I think and feel about myself, my body, my journey.

But things have changed over the years, too. I used to calorie count, back in the day. And on days I went way over my calories for whatever reason, I often felt a range of very strong emotions: fear (of never getting back in control), shame (for not being able to "control myself"), anxiety (about gaining back all the weight), and anger (because it "shouldn't be this hard"). I used to place a value on myself that was directly related to how closely I adhered to whatever ideal plan I had in mind for myself. If I varied from that ideal by eating a cookie or putting butter on my vegetables or not taking a walk that day, I was a failure. I felt horrible. And it often took me FOREVER to get back into weight-loss mode. And a dieting cycle was my life.

I have learned that I am far from perfect and that this whole journey is not even really about "staying on plan" or "going off plan" or whether I lift weights on any given day or not, even though I still speak in those terms. I have learned that my life is changed because my *mind* is changed, my *behavior* is changed, and as a result yes, my weight is changed. This is life. The goal of my life is not to be a perfect dieter. It is not to "get over" whatever issues may have led to my obesity in the first place. It is not even to be a shining example of how to eat and how to lose weight, although a lot of people seem to think that is my role. The goal of my life is to live; it is to experience joy and family and friends and health. Yes, health, which allows me to have the richer, fuller life I desire. I cannot even describe for you the difference, for me, that losing 100 pounds has made in the richness of my life. So the weight loss IS tied to my life goals... but it is not THE GOAL.

What has changed the most for me is that my life is rich and amazing whether I am "on plan" or "off plan" or something in between. My "dieting" success no longer dictates the amount of joy I feel in my life. That's not to say I ignore my eating and activity; I need to maintain my loss and continue on (and lose another 30 pounds or so) in order to have the health I desire. And I feel loads better when I am not eating sugar or junky foods. I am just saying, it is pretty amazing to me that I am truly enjoying my life right now, even though I am currently having a bit of an argument with my inner brat about food. My eating since the trip this week has not been that great, so I am working to remedy that right now. But THAT is not my life. Not anymore. My eating *enables* me to have the life I want, so it is absolutely important, but *eating,* whether on-plan or off-plan, is no longer the focus and highlight (or lowlight) of my existence. I count that a big success.

The weekend is here, and for me, that means dog sports! We are off to do some dock diving and tracking and will get some obedience practice in as well. Besides that, my house is in dire need of a cleaning and my daughter wants me to help her build a fairy house today. I hope your weekend is as blessed!

Trying to Turn It Around

Can I just say that I am so miserable right now? PMS hit me with lightening speed out of the blue, like a snake striking from behind a rock as I was walking a pleasant path. I should have known; the symptoms are always far worse when I eat sugar, and I am still not 100% recovered from my trip. Coming home has been stressful; I had to miss obedience and agility with my pup this week (and those are my favorite activities... the only "me time" I get to relieve stress) and now I am trying to hold it together for a big party that I am having for my daughter. I love, love, love my kids' birthdays. The fact that I am feeling so icky makes me sadder because this would be a very joyful event for me if I felt better. It's a vicious cycle of emotions that I need to pull out of ASAP. I can't afford to sit and coddle myself in a pity party today.

I am a huge advocate of "feeling your feelings." Stuffing them down got me fat. Eating my feelings because they were unpleasant led me to morbid obesity. And learning to stop eating and just FEEL and let the emotions BE has been key to my recovery. But there is a big difference between feeling the feelings and wallowing in them. It's essential to allow one's self to experience grief, sadness, anger, frustration, etc without trying to cover those emotions up with food, alcohol, drugs, or other things. That's why I sat on the floor yesterday and just cried for 20 minutes. It was how I felt, and it was valid. It was uncomfortable but it had to come out. And today I still feel the frustration (and the PMSy edginess) but I also know it is time to pick myself up out of the puddle and turn it around.

I want to enjoy every moment with my family and friends today. I am choosing now to let go of the sadness, let it shrink back to its normal, small size and focus on the many, many blessings and reasons I have to be joyful. Like this:

My birthday tea party, given for me by my daughter.

How can I not be happy with a gift like that? I have the most thoughtful, lovely, amazing little girl in the world! And today, we celebrate our lives together.

Hopefully by this weekend, the sugar will be out of my system, my arthritis flare will calm back down, and the PMS monster will be gone. Until then, I still choose joy.

How My Trip Went

I am back from my trip! How did it go?

Day 1:
Had coffee and a Medifast meal at home before leaving. Brought lots of water and enough Medifast food for 2-3 days and planned for dinner out. Brought 2 kids and my pup with me and brought snacks for them as well. I had my mid-morning meal as I drove, and when we stopped for lunch I had my Medifast meal. Stayed on plan. Dinner was at a restaurant. I splurged (birthday meal a bit early) on a nice 6oz fillet Mignon with a side of fresh green beans, a side of steamed broccoli, and a wedge salad with Iceberg lettuce, tomatoes, a little bacon bits and blue cheese crumbles, dressing on the side which I just dipped my fork into a few times. Iced tea with lemon to drink. Yum yum!

Then when I got back to the hotel and took the pup for a walk, my kids came back to the room with.... freshly baked cookies. Yes, from the lobby. Yes, the hotel bakes cookies every evening and sets them out with coffee and tea and hot cider and such. The cookies were still warm and fragrant. As we were getting ready to go swimming in the hotel pool, I had a minor breakdown and ate one of the cookies. Not the best idea in the world. My hands hurt like heck the next morning from the sugar (which causes inflammation and makes my arthritis flare up). I could blame PMS and travel stress, but either way, I am glad it was only one, normal-sized, cookie.

We went to swim and the water was soooo cold. It was so cold the kids would not get in. (Indoor pool, and maybe the heater was broken). I was bummed because I wanted to get some exercise. Instead we lounged in the hot tub. I did get about 2 miles of walking in this day at various locations, including a nice little hike in the woods along a river.

Day 2:
Woke up and went down to the hotel's free breakfast. This was not so bad. They had hard boiled eggs but no other sugarless protein sources. I already had my wall down from the cookie last night. I decided to have a regular-food day but try and keep my blood sugar from spiking by not eating sugary crap. This was probably an excuse to eat off plan, really. Not sure if it was stress, PMS, what, but anyway... I had 2 hard boiled eggs with a little sausage gravy on top. It was soooo good. Lots of salt, but yum. And the protein was very satisfying. I had 2 cups of coffee with it.

An aside... I noticed something as we were crowded into a small area with the tables close together. I noticed in the 15 minutes we were there that the thin people were eating yogurt and fruit. All 4 of them, and they were not sitting together and didn't know each other. But all of the ladies who I would say were a size 4-6 or so were eating one yogurt and some fruit, and some of them also had coffee or tea. And the larger people, who I would guess to be a size 24-30, who were also sitting at different tables and didn't seem to know each other, were eating waffles with syrup AND biscuits and gravy. Granted there were only 2 larger ladies. But they both made the same choice. A large plate of waffles and a large plate of biscuits and gravy. Interesting? I know that was also my default hotel breakfast most of my life.

Then we were off early to the hospital. Took family member in, checked in, waited a bit, then left. They said the surgeon would call my cell when they wanted me to come back for pickup. It would be about 6-7 hours. So I took the pup and the kids and we visited several local parks, did a lot of walking... probably 3-4 miles. I did not bring enough water. I was so parched by the end of the day! I drank from water fountains but left my empty water bottle in the car. Whoops! But we really had fun exploring.

Lunch was a burger with the bun removed, a large ice water, and some fries. I ate a few, didn't like them. They were super salty. I dipped some in Ranch which used to be my "omg this is heaven" thing to eat (tons of fries dipped in loads of Ranch) but it didn't do much for me. I threw the rest away. (Why did I order fries? I dunno, I wanted to have some, and this really is a learning experience for me, and what I am learning is I don't particularly like the foods I used to like, and don't even want them anymore). Then we went out to play some more.

We stopped for ice cream at one point on this hot day, and I got myself a small shake. And it wasn't good. I probably would have thrown it away if I had not been hot and thirsty, but I was on a roll with the junk I suppose. After I drank it, I wished I had ordered a big ice water instead!

Finally around 4:30 we went back to the hospital, picked up family member, and started our way home. We drove straight through this time because my daughter fell asleep in her car seat. We did stop near dinnertime at a gas station, at which point I was actually worried I was going to fall asleep driving. I got a Coke, can you believe it? I was already having the sugar crash from the earlier milkshake. I cannot BELIEVE how it made me feel. About 2 hours after I drank that shake, I had this sudden feeling of exhaustion. I honestly felt like laying my head down on the steering wheel and going to sleep! It was nuts. Thus the Coke... caffeine and sugar... ridiculous... this is how I used to HAVE to live. Ingesting sugar every 2-3 hours to be able to function. Insane! I also ate some chips out of my son's bag.

We got home late and had pizza and then the little one needed her bath and was up til 10:30 since she'd slept in the car the whole time. I got to bed very late, close to 1 a.m.. My body is obviously freaking out and retaining a ton of water (which happens when you don't drink enough water, when you travel, when you eat carbs, when you eat salt...).

So, yeah, not an ideal eating experience, but back to the basics today, drinking loads of water and eating on plan. You know, I really am glad I had this experience though. Nothing I ate off-plan tasted that great. I was just sort of "meh" about all of it. That is like a miracle to me. I have dreamed and fantasized on occasion how awesome a milkshake or a cookie would taste. But it didn't taste that awesome. It was just... sweet. And the thing is, when you have these warped memories of how super-duper-awesome a junky food used to taste, THAT is the memory that bugs you and sets up cravings to go back to that food. But when you have this kind of reality check, where you actually KNOW and BELIEVE and EXPERIENCE that a salad tastes better than a fry, that a glass of plain iced tea tastes better than a soda, that a plate of broccoli actually DOES taste better than chips, well, *that* is a mindset I have wished for and dreamed of.

Back to regular life :)

Missing Out

Yesterday I was out running errands with my daughter when I had one of those split second thoughts of going out to eat. It's funny; there are certain areas of town... specific areas where I sometimes shop with my girl, and when she was 2-3 years old... even 4... we used to stop and get something to eat when we got hungry. We often went to a fast food joint or maybe just grabbed a snack at a coffee shop. Sometimes we'd just go into a cafe for some soup. It was one of my favorite things to do... just "girl time" together... and yesterday as we pulled out of a store parking lot and drove past those places to go home and eat, I thought, "I am missing out!"

Missing out? It only took me a fraction of a second to realize the ridiculousness of that thought. Missing out on WHAT? Missing out on weighing 278 pounds, driving to Arby's with my toddler, eating sandwiches and curly fries in the car, spilling horsey sauce down my shirt? Missing out on being too exhausted to even play with her in our yard, much less at the playground? Would I trade it back, for a fry??

No! I had romanticized the eating of fries and ice cream with my child, when, in fact, it was no better to her than coming home and eating a sandwich and a banana. In fact, she would RATHER sit at the table with me and a dish of hummus and drink juice from her tea set than sit in her car seat eating fries while I shove roast beef in my face in the front seat.

Now I play with her. I get up on the slide and I swing with her. We take long walks together. I have a lap for her to sit on. I can fit on the rides at the fair with her, no problem, and we ride them ALL. I can take her shopping at several stores in a row without pain. I can clean the house, sit down on the floor to play My Little Ponies with her, and get up and dance with her. I can go down the stairs to kiss my other children goodnight. I can walk her to school and volunteer in her classroom. All things I could not do before. All things far better than sharing a bag of curly fries and spilling cheese dip down the insides of my car and then coming home and turning on the TV so I could "rest."

I am not missing out on ANYTHING. I have traded a life where my happiest moments were spent in the car with my daughter strapped in her carseat in a parking lot for a life of rich experiences *outside* of the food-focused bubble I was living in. And I am so, so thankful I made that change. One step at a time, one foot in front of the other, I walked away from that life and into this one and I am never going back.

Shirataki Ramen

I have posted a recipe for Shirataki noodles before (Shirataki Noodle Bake) but here's a very simple one I tried a couple weeks ago. Let me preface this by saying I grew up on Ramen noodles and it has always been a favorite of mine that takes me back to my childhood, eating those long noodles with chopsticks with my Dad. But Ramen is not healthy AT ALL. One package of Top Ramen contains 380 calories, 14 g fat, 56 g carbs and 1820 mg of sodium. The fat is there because the noodles are deep fried before they are packaged.

I found a way to have the *rare* treat of a bowl of Ramen without all the damages. I bought myself an 8oz bag of Tofu Shiritaki noodles,which contains 40 calories and 6g carbs for the entire package, and counts as 2 vegetable servings "for occasional use" on Medifast.

First prep the noodles by rinsing, and rinsing, and rinsing in a colander. Then plop them in some boiling water and cook for 3 minutes. Then rinse and rinse and rinse again. Then put 1/2 cup of fresh water on the stove to boil, add 1/2 packet of Ramen flavoring (from a block of Ramen... there are almost no calories, fat, or carbs in the seasoning. Just salt, etc.), then toss in the Shirataki noodles and simmer for just a minute. Turn off the heat and let them sit in the broth for 5 minutes or so to absorb the flavor. And there you have it: healthier Ramen!

Of course, this is not the most nutritious thing you could eat, but it is super filling and for only 40 calories it is awesome on a tough, hungry day or when I am PMSing. It would be healthier if you added some nutritious stuff to it, like eggs or diced chicken or some cooked broccoli or other veggies if you want to make a meal of this. Make it how you like it, and enjoy!

Weigh In

This was an interesting week for me. On Monday, I had my first off-plan day after 35 days on plan. I posted what I ate in an evening binge, and then I stayed off the scale all week until this morning. I stayed on plan all week, ate yummy healthy stuff like lots of salads, steamed asparagus, cucumbers, mushrooms, broccoli, cherry tomatoes, olive oil, salmon, chicken, eggs, and steak. I felt great this week! Last week I weighed 183, and today I weighed 181. Two pounds gone this week! Good enough for me! The last time I weighed 181 was in February. I am very close to a new low weight. My last update pictures... 100 pounds gone... are only 3 pounds lower than I am now. And the lowest weight I have reached in the last 15ish years is 175, back in October. Only 7 pounds to a new low! And what I am looking forward to the most is taking my 110 Pounds Gone pictures and measurements. That will be exciting.

I am busy today tracking with my dog, shopping with my daughter for items needed for this medical trip we are taking, as well as a few final preparations for a birthday party we are having when we get back home. Tonight's dinner will be 5 ounces of leftover steak sliced over a big salad of Romaine, spring mix, tomatoes, peppers, and whatever other veggies I can find in the fridge. See you tomorrow!

Dog Sports: an Active, Joyful Lifestyle!

I am having a fun, active weekend with my kids and dogs. I have to highly recommend dog sports as a wonderful way to get off the couch and into life! Having a dog is a great motivator alone; they need walks and attention and give lots of love. But if you want to improve your social life AND your fitness level, try a dog sport! Any breed will do. If you are capable of running or a slow jog, agility is a great activity! I can't jog enough to compete, but even the practices get my heart racing. Another fun sport is tracking. You get to do lots of walking if you teach your dog to track! I also do obedience, and while that may not seem like a sport, it really is. You can train your dog and go to competitions and win ribbons and titles and prizes. You have to be on your feet for an hour-long class, walking your dog at various paces (slow, normal, and fast) while they heel, and there is lots of movement and NO sitting around! We also do dock diving which is loads of fun and also keeps you on your feet, walking, and active. There are so many dog sports you can try: flyball, rally-o, schutzhund, conformation showing (if you have a purebred, AKC dog), lure coursing, skijouring, hiking, treiball, nose work, and herding. You can also train your dog as a therapy dog or search and rescue dog. There is so much you can do that will keep you and your dog happy and active! My German Shepherd puppy is the very best gift I ever gave myself.

Here is a link to some more ideas for dog-related activities. Give them a try! You might find a whole new source of joy in life, as I have.

Heart Attack Salad

I had an AWESOME day with my family today! I enjoyed every minute of it. I am really happy!

Tonight we went out together for a birthday dinner. My usual way to handle eating out is to look at the online menu and decide ahead of time what fits my plan. However, this was a new place with no website or menu available ahead of time. I was hungering for a salad. A nice big salad. And boy, did I get my wish!

Out of the available dinner salads, I looked for one with enough protein and no carby stuff like croutons, tortilla strips, etc, but enough variety to be enjoyable. I chose one of my favorites: a Cobb salad, with dressing on the side. The waitress said, "we do have half salads available if you'd like." I was pretty hungry and wanted a lot of veggies and protein to fit my nutritional needs, so I opted for the full salad.

Whoa. I have never in my life seen a salad that big, except in a serving bowl at a potlock! This thing was massive! It was piled up like a volcano! I had to ask for a second plate in order to take some of the stuff off to be able to eat it!

It did have some off-plan-but-not-carby stuff that I occasionally allow myself in small quantities: bacon pieces, avocado, blue cheese crumbles, and black olives (which are on plan as a healthy fat). I used a spoon and scooped off about 1/3 cup of bacon, 1/2 cup of blue cheese crumbles, a WHOLE sliced avocado, and what looked like one small 4oz can of sliced black olives. It was insane!! I left a couple tablespoons of bacon bits and blue cheese crumbles and a few olives on my salad, and took a bite of the avocado too. What was left on my plate was about 3 cups of Romaine, half a cup of tomato, 1/4 cup of sliced mushrooms, 3 ounces of cubed chicken breast, and one sliced hard boiled egg (I took the yolk out and set it aside. There was enough fat in this salad without a yolk!) I got blue cheese dressing on the side and used about 2 Tbsp of it.

It was very, very good and super filling. I could not finish it. But it was incredible the sheer volume of food I was given! I came home and logged the salad on Sparkpeople to see how it added up. The portion that I ate came up to 559 calories, 13 g carbs, 46 g protein, and 37 g fat! That is pretty high on the fat and calories. But get this: the salad as it was served, including all the stuff I did NOT eat, would have contained 1,251 calories, 36 g carbs, 67 g protein, and 99 g fat(!!!!!). WOW. That is SOME salad. I am glad I had the sense to scrape off most of the fatty stuff! Lesson: pay attention to your food. And if it looks like a volcano on the plate, scale it down a little!

Anyway, all is well and I am feeling wonderful. I have a full weekend of dog sports starting tomorrow. I can't wait! And I have not set foot on the scale since the 4th of July, so I am wondering what the scale will show on Sunday when I finally weigh in.

Have a great weekend!

Just a Personal Update, and What I'm Doing

Whew, what an *awesome* bunch of comments on my post yesterday! There's a lot of thought-provoking stuff in there. Thank you for all the insights and thoughts.

An update: I am doing well today. This will be day 3 back on plan for me; I haven't slipped up since the 4th and am feeling fine. This is a super busy week (and so is next week) for me. One of my kids and I happen to have birthdays just a few days apart, which is loads of fun for both of us! There will be a party with games and activities and yes, some off plan foods. I always, every year for the past 21 years, have baked a cake of the birthday child's choice from scratch for their birthday. Actually, it is about the only time I bake anymore. The cake of choice this year is chocolate/chocolate. I got this very cool giant cupcake cake pan set that my daughter has wanted for 2 years, for $7 on amazon!! I am so thrilled, because I went to four different local stores to find it and they were all out. I was prepared to pay the $20 for it but am super glad I waited and checked online. I feel like a little kid waiting for it in the mail today so we can try it out for her birthday cake! She is going to be so excited. She loves to cook with mommy.

I will also be travelling a couple hours from home for family medical reasons, and staying overnight in a hotel that has a free breakfast. I hate that, really, but it's convenient for everyone else. I mean, some places do have good options. The nicer hotels have made-to-order omelets with veggies and stuff. But we are staying in a cheaper place because I am bringing SuperPup with us! She goes almost everywhere with me. So the breakfast is some lame setup of waffles, muffins, sweetened yogurts, bagels, that kind of thing. It'll be fine for my daughter; she likes wheat toast with peanut butter. But I will be bringing my Medifast meals with me and having those and just taking coffee from the breakfast bar. Maybe a hard boiled egg if they have those. I will save my 'real meal' for dinner out. Something yummy maybe, like steak and broccoli and salad! I will, of course, fill you in when I get back.

My birthday is also coming up. I will be turning 42. When I started this blog, I was 38 years old. In fact, it still says I am 38 in my blog description. I have never changed it. I want to remember how it felt to write that: "I am 38 years old, female, a degree-holding stay-at-home-mom, and I weigh 278 pounds. I have been obese for ten years now. Time to get out of this fat prison I have made for myself." I never want to forget.

I have a busy day today but will check in every so often. I posted a new discussion on my weight loss forum, asking you to share what it is you are doing to lose weight (or what you DID to lose weight and/or get healthy) and how it is working for you. There are so, so many ways to tackle this issue and I would love to hear the details. So please tell me about your diet (or lifestyle change) on the forum. I think it would be awesome to discuss what works and what doesn't and this will also give newbies some ideas how they, too, can begin their weight loss journey.

Enjoy your healthy day!

Crazy Eating

I have no idea what is going on with me right now. I feel energized and positive. I am eating 100% on plan with no problem. I am not really struggling right now (knock on wood).

But I was. A few days there went by with me feeling just a slightly uncomfortable, edgy feeling about *something.* I talked about it the other day... how hard it was to stay on plan over the holiday weekend. And I have a couple of stressful events coming up over the next two weeks, too. They are a mixture of happy/positive stresses (birthdays/parties) and annoying/negative stresses (having to travel out of town overnight at a bad time for me to be traveling, to take someone for surgery, stay in a hotel, and wait around for recovery. Then travel back, driving several hours each way.) The mixture has been hard for me to handle, because I am both excited and looking forward to next week but also unhappy and dreading it at the same time, which, in turn, annoys me because it would be a purely happy time if I didn't have this negative thing going on. Anyway...

Thirty five days on plan, not a binge or an instance of overeating in sight. And then, it happened. The weirdest of all binges. On the evening of the fourth of July. Yes, I broke my streak with a very strange binge. I am tempted to call it "going off plan," since it was not a full-out, go-shopping, eat-everything binge, but the emotional state and the pressured nature of the eating tell me it was, in fact, a binge.

So what did I eat?

Well, I started out the day just fine, with 'the usual' eating schedule:
7AM: 2 cups of coffee with sugar free creamer
8 AM: Medifast shake cake made with 1/2 Tbsp peanut butter in it

(I have decided to cut the peanut butter out of my meals for now. One Tbsp is allowed as an optional snack on Medifast but it is the only on-plan food that 'bothers' me so I want to cut it out).

10AM: iced mocha made with Medifast hot cocoa and coffee
Noon: a bag of Medifast Parmesan cheese puffs and a diet cherry Pepsi

Now at this point, I was feeling strange about the 4th. Like I said yesterday, it seemed like I was missing out on the festivities (not necessarily the food, but the social occasions). I had gone to the grocery store in the morning and bought extra lean beef to make sloppy Joes for the kids, which are healthy but off plan for me right now since I put beans in them (too high carb at the moment, although I will add them back later). I also bought some "fun" foods for the kids: Sun Chips, ice cream, watermelon, and root beer. This was exciting for them because I cannot tell you the last time I bought them sodas or chips... maybe last year? I didn't think it would bother me at all. I had 5 ounces of delicious planked salmon and 1.5 cups of cauliflower "potato" salad in the fridge for MY dinner, and I love those foods and was looking forward to them. But at my noon meal, I was feeling edgy. It was not for lack of nutrition; the Medifast meals are packed with protein and fiber and all that good, filling stuff. It was emotional/mental. And I gave myself a Kraft 2% Single cheese slice as a "special treat." Hey, only 45 calories and I could count it as 1/6 of my Lean portion, I reasoned. So I had my puffs and cheese and diet Pepsi and felt better. For a few minutes.

I was pacing around, trying to find something to occupy myself. The heat was too oppressive to take the dog out playing at the park or go for a long walk with my daughter. My mouth wanted more entertainment. So I threw together a little Caprese salad:

Small handful of cherry tomatoes, one light string cheese (sliced), basil, drizzle of olive oil, salt, & pepper

Oh it was good! I love Caprese! I thought, "eh, I will eat a little less cauliflower salad and salmon so I don't go over on my protein and veggies." But at this point I was on a roll...

I was full, but not satisfied. I wanted the distraction. I wanted the experience. I wanted the sensation of over-fullness. By this point I realized what was happening, and was sort of trying to mitigate damages by choosing foods that were not going to throw me too badly.

At 2PM I decided to eat PART of my dinner early. I ate half the salmon and half a cup of the cauli salad. I was STUFFED but wanted more. I gave in, chopped up half a pickle spear and threw it in the remaining cauli salad and ate that, along with 7 Splenda-sweetened bread & butter pickle chips, another Kraft 2% single cheese slice, one BITE of regular cheddar, and a diet Coke.

I was using the diet sodas to try and get a grip. They are filling and feel indulgent without doing a lot of caloric/carb damage.

At 3PM I was in full binge force and though I was very full I ate my next Medifast meal which I had made by mixing 1 Tbsp peanut butter with some hot cocoa and freezing it. This put me overboard with the peanut butter and I was no longer on plan. And then, when I finished eating that, I felt almost sick from the overfull stomach, but I drank half of a diet grapefruit soda, too.

Then my stomach was in actual pain, so I had to go lie down. Let me reiterate: this was a binge. It was binge behavior, eating my meals too closely together even though *most* of it was on plan or very very low carb/calorie (like the pickles were 5 calories, but the feeling of eating them was the same as eating a candy bar in binge mode). I have often reflected on how, when I would binge at McDonald's, it would make me feel horrible but I'd do it anyway. To me, a binge is like cutting. Lots of teens cut. They say it makes them feel more alive, or that it takes away their 'other' pain. It is a self-harming distraction, and that is, I think, what some of this crazy eating it like.

At 6, I decided to eat my last Medifast meal of the day, which is usually eaten around 9PM. I wanted to eat it for the sake of eating. I made a pudding "frosty" and of course added 1 Tbsp of peanut butter to it. I drank the rest of the diet grapefruit soda. I put an ounce of cream cheese in a bowl with 6 green olives and ate it with a spoon. I dug around in the cabinet and found 3 chocolate covered almonds and 7 M&M's from Easter and ate them. I saw the bag of Sun Chips that was leftover from dinner. I ate, like, 3 chips and put the bag away.

I had a few hours of sanity, but on the way home from the fireworks show (at 11PM!) I thought, "oh, I really want some French fries, I just have to have some, and then I will be done." And in my head I planned it. I do not go to fast food places anymore with ONE exception: Dairy Queen (social reasons). So I was going to drive through and get fries. And maybe a burger? Or a hot dog? Or hey maybe some fried chicken strips! But when I got there they were closed. I briefly considered turning around and going back in town to a fast food place for fries but decided that was over the top, and just went home. However, the pup was not ready for bed and I ended up staying up for another hour. And you know what I did? I ate some more.

I made myself a sloppy Joe (leftover) and had the remaining Sun Chips (one small bowl) and about 6 Ritz crackers. And then I had 5 of those little frosted animal cookies, which I bought "just this once" for a tea party my daughter had, and I ate 2 strawberries. And in a final act of insanity, I ate the last 2 ice cream bars. Tada!

Then I went to bed.

And I got up in the morning, stayed off the scale, drank my water, and had a 100% on plan, healthy, positive, enjoyable day.

I know an accounting of a binge may be uncomfortable to read, but I am being accountable to myself. I had 35 days without a hitch, one evening of binge, and now an back on plan again and not struggling. Let's see if I can make it longer than 35 days this time around!

Thank Goodness It's Over!

Thank goodness the holiday weekend is over. I mean really, I am SO GLAD. I get that most people welcome extra "days off" and have lots of fun things to do, places to go, people to enjoy, gatherings with family and friends, but I don't. I do not do well with such little structure. Everything is closed, regularly scheduled stuff isn't happening, and I don't work outside the home so they are not "days off" for me, really. And I don't have any family within 2000 miles except my kids. And most of my kids are now older and not the slightest bit interested in doing any 4th of July stuff anymore except if I cook for them, they are right there... but parade? No thanks. Picnic at the park? Nope. Fireworks? Nah. They go off and hang with friends, go fishing or skateboarding or stay home and play video games, or go to work for extra pay. Ever since I stopped going to church, I don't get invites to holiday events or parties, either. So this whole four-day weekend was a nightmare of trying to keep myself busy, get my focus off of food, and ignoring the fact that the rest of the country was having a great fun holiday while I was just hanging out waiting for it to be nighttime on the 4th so I could take my youngest to the fireworks show.

Anyway, glad that's over, and today will be a flurry of activity including swimming lessons, birthday shopping, and a whole lot of cleaning! I prefer being busy. Too much down time leaves me too much time to think, dwell, and obsess, which leads to not-so-great eating choices.

Time to get busy; may write again later when I get a break!

Impatience

Sometimes, I get very, very impatient about getting this weight off my body. I look at my little planner book where I write my weights, and I see that the last time I weighed 182 pounds was in mid-April. Three months later and I am waiting, waiting, weighing to see that 182 again. All that off-plan eating... it's frustrating. In that three months, I had spurts of a few days or a week here and there of being on plan but the rest of the time I was eating junk at least part of the time. It took me less than three weeks to go from 182 to 198, and it has taken me 36 days (and counting) which is nearly 6 weeks to get back from 198 to 183. And then I start looking into the future and see months and months more of weight loss ahead before I reach my goal. Even if I lost 10 pounds a month, which is practically impossible at this weight, it would take me until October or November to get to goal. That is crazy, and daunting, and frustrating when I think about it in an impatient "get this darn weight off me!" mode.

Thank goodness I did not allow myself to think that way when I began this journey. Oh, I had a glimpse of it... a fleeting thought that "crap, I have 110+ pounds to lose, how on EARTH an I going to do this?" But I put it out of my mind and just took it day by day.

I will eat healthy for this one day.
I will train myself to eat and enjoy fresh local produce.
I will walk to the mailbox and back.

That is how I did it. I had to BLOCK myself from looking at the "big picture" and extending my thoughts into the future. Otherwise, it seemed like I had an elephant to eat. Impossible. But if all you have to eat is one bite, well, that can be done. So you just focus on your one bite and let time take care of the rest.

This is the mindset I need to get back to now. I have changed my life for the better in dramatic ways. It has taken time, and that is okay. The time would have passed anyway. Had I thought it was taking too long and given up, I would still weigh 278 pounds (or, more likely, 300+). If I now focus on the "omg when is this going to end, I just want to be done losing weight" feelings, I start thinking about eating off plan. That is pointless and will just make things worse. So I focus on

I am going to eat healthy foods today.
I will lift weights today and take a walk.

And to the end of each of those sentences, I add, "because it is good for me" and "because it helps me feel good today", NOT "to lose this freaking weight." The weight loss is a goal, but the primary goal has to be better health and a better life TODAY. The weight loss is then a by-product of a lifestyle change. And then it can be a joyful process.

Have a happy, wonderful, healthy 4th of July!

Weigh In, and a Healthy Path

This week was my mid-cycle week. I generally tend to lose weight in a pattern of more pounds in week 1 of my cycle, very few if any in week 2, several in week 3, and nothing the last week. I know this because I have logged my weight on a chart for almost 4 years now! Knowing your patterns helps you make better choices and not become discouraged with the scale. So even though I ate on plan all week, the scale did not budge until yesterday. I lost 1 pound this week... down to 183 now. Good enough for me! Making progress towards a new low, although I won't make it by my birthday in about a week and a half. I *will* make a new low in August, I think, if I keep doing what I am doing! I have not seen 173 in *at least*15 years, maybe longer! So exciting!

My post yesterday got me thinking about my focus and self love. I have come a long way in how I feel about my physical self. I am much more accepting and appreciative of my body, even though I do sometimes have feelings of regret for the way I treated my body (bingeing) for over a decade, and the resultant hangy parts and probably-related severe degenerative arthritis. I am doing my best with what I have.

Loving my body is something I was never taught as a child. My mother had an incredible amount of self hatred all her life, which led her to self-abuse in the form of alcoholism, suicide attempts, and a cycle of obsessive overindulgent eating and severe restrictive dieting that kept her obese for decades. That is the model I saw, and began to partially adopt myself at two distinct points in my life. One, as a teen, when I began drinking to excess in private and withdrew into a depressive state after the death of a dear friend; two, when I started to binge eat and diet and sank into another depressive state after my divorce from my husband of 8 years. Both times, I felt the self-loathing. In fact, I felt like I was channeling my mother. As an adult, I was heartbroken and wondered what was wrong with me that my own mother could disown her only child over a difference in opinion regarding religion. She wanted nothing to do with me. She preferred the company of her friends who she called her "family" while hurtfully rejecting me and my four small children. When your own mother seems to hate you, it does make you start to hate yourself, even if just a little. And that is what I had to battle in my own mind in order to begin loving myself.

I had to accept that my mother had her own issues and demons, and they had nothing to do with me. Nothing a 2-year-old child could do would cause their mother to abandon them and go out drinking for hours every night. Nothing a 4-year-old child could do would cause their mother to attempt suicide. And nothing I did as a teen or an adult warranted the abusive treatment she gave me by her angry words and withdrawal from my life. It was not my fault. I do not need to hate myself.

It is a hard lesson to learn, that it is okay to love yourself even if your own mother does not. That you are a good, decent person even if your mother tells you that you are not. That psychological sense one has about one's whole self does leak over into how one feels about their body. If you love your *self* it is easier to love and accept your body, flaws and all.

I have chosen self-love. I am working hard at caring for myself in both physical and psychological ways. I accept and embrace the body I have, flaws and all. That does not mean I am blind. It does not mean I pretend there is nothing I don't like about my body. There is. But I just do what I can to improve things, and accept what I can't change. That, to me, seems a healthy path to walk.

The Sloppy Look

This might not be a popular thing to say, because everyone (myself included) is about self-love and saying positive things about one's body, but this is something I *do* feel and need to deal with. It's reality.

I feel like I look sloppy right now.

I don't mean the kind of sloppy look I had at 278 pounds. I was never one of those ladies who dresses up and wears makeup and looks gorgeous regardless of her size. When I was morbidly obese, I pretty much looked like crap. I did not take very good care of myself (I will cut myself a break, though, as I was caring for a critically ill child and put myself on the back burner). I had a few 3X tee shirts I rotated through for tops, and a couple of them had stains on the front. I had 3 pairs of plain black stretch pants I wore, and black stretch capri pants for summer. They were baggy and saggy and did nothing for my figure, and often had large holes worn through between the thighs. I did not bother with makeup and did the very minimal amount of hair care possible. My "style" was sloppy, but my body itself wasn't, really. It was fairly smooth looking and the skin was tight and firm and I just looked morbidly obese.

But now, even though I dress nicer and care for myself better, I feel like my body has this sort of in-between-thin-and-fat sloppy look. Like, instead of smooth lines, I have more lumps in odd shapes. I have more hangy bits. My arms, my thighs, my hips all sort of sag. They do not have that smooth, flowing curvy look but have a lumpy bumpy hangy look. I don't like it.

This is a partial motivator for me to keep working on my weight. I do think as I lose more fat, the lumps will shrink a bit and maybe the skin will even tighten up a little as I do my skin care routine. As I lift weights and get into better shape, the muscles will also firm up and, I hope, give my body more definition.

I know I would look less sloppy if I got some new clothes, too. Right now I have nothing that fits right on my bottom half. Everything is too big (except for my long jeans but hey, it is 90 degrees, I am not wearing long jeans!) or too small (like the capri jeans I bought last month that no way, no how fit me). I could wear spanx and other shapewear, but at this point it's hardly worth it. It is hot and I don't really care *that* much what random people in a grocery store think. However, people, I desperately need to do something about the bra situation! I have lost many inches in the bust, and things are *not* in the right place right now! My bras are too big, and the sag makes me look sloppier. I have never gone for a bra fitting before, but I think it is time. Can anyone direct me to a decent place/chain where I can be fitted for a bra? I am nervous about it but my gosh, it just needs to happen if I am going to keep my girls from meeting my belly on a regular basis! Help?

Ah well. When I look in the mirror, I don't love the way my body looks right now, but I do appreciate all it does for me and how much improved it is from several years ago. It is a work in progress. I also need to work on my posture. I have noticed when I walk by mirrors that my posture sucks! I think at my high weight it just got too fatiguing to stand up straight, and now I need to pay attention and practice this. If you have any good posture tips I am all ears about that, too.

Thanks for listening to me rant! Sometimes, I think we stuff our thoughts and feelings down because what we feel is not *politically correct.* But I have learned something. Whatever I think and feel, it is valid for ME. And it is best to get those thoughts and feelings out, process them, bounce them off people, and readjust. I appreciate being able to do that here.

I am planning to try my hand at making carne asada on the grill today or tomorrow. I have no idea what I am doing, but I got some nice thin cut lean steak to try it with! Have a great weekend!

July 1, 2011: 184 Pounds

June was a pretty good month for me eating-wise. I stayed on plan every day. On June 1, I weighed 195 pounds, and today I weigh 184. That's 11 pounds gone in June. Today makes my 33rd day on plan and one of my goals is to have 100 days on plan, no binges. I haven't done that in awhile. It's time.

In June, I ate meals at restaurants more often than usual: five times. But eating out does *not* mean eating junk or eating too much. I wanted to share what I had:

1) Dinner at a very nice seafood restaurant. I started with fresh iced tea with lemon slices and no sweetener. The main dish salad I chose usually came with a cup of creamy clam chowder, but I told them no thank you. The waiter then asked, "Would you like an appetizer salad before your dinner salad instead?" I said sure, why not? So I had a small plate of fresh baby spinach and toasted hazelnuts with poppy seed dressing on the side, which I dipped my fork into and used sparingly. The main salad I ordered was a large dish of mixed greens, tomatoes, cucumbers, and grilled chicken breast sliced over the top. It was delicious.

2) Lunch at a small Italian place. Usually, I avoid Italian like the plague because of the pastas, bread, and cheeses. But I ordered a Caprese salad, which was Romaine and sliced Roma tomatoes with cubes of fresh mozzarella drizzled with olive oil, salt, and pepper. Very good. I drank ice water with lemon slices.

3) Mexican takeout for dinner. I ordered chicken fajitas and when we got home, I gave the tortillas, beans, and rice to my kids. I chopped up a huge plate of lettuce and fresh tomatoes, put the fajitas over the salad (chicken, green peppers, red peppers, mushrooms, and a few onions) and added a bit of salsa.

4) Indian buffet. This place is usually hard for me. Someone else chose this as a place to have lunch, so I decided ahead of time what I would have. This buffet has many kinds of rice, naan (Indian bread), deep fried things, and creamy sauces, with a small "salad" area on the side. I made a full plate of salad (all they had was Romaine and cucumber slices) with a drizzle of Ranch dressing, and took a Tandoori chicken drumstick on the side. I went back for seconds and got a small amount of salad and a few pieces of chicken from 3 kinds of curry dishes. I eyeballed it to be about 5 ounces of chicken, 2 cups of Romaine, and a half cup of cukes. Water to drink.

5) Lunch at the buffet. I described my choices in detail here, but in summary, I had ice water with lemon, baked chicken thighs with skin removed, 2 oz of steak, green beans, and a big yummy salad.

Eating out does not have to mean going off plan, or gaining weight, or feeling deprived. You *can* lose weight while dining out and enjoying yourself! Eating out five times and still losing 11 pounds this month is what I'd call a success!

If you haven't stopped by my new forum yet, please do! There are several threads started, including a blogroll where you can add a link to your blog. I'd love to hear what your plans are for the holiday weekend and the 4th as well! Me? Staying on plan.