Cues and Pathways

Every day, we are "cued" by our thoughts or our environment to eat, or to do other things leading to eating. This is what some of us call "habit" and others call "being out of control." It all starts with a cue, a thought, an action, and then we are on the old pathway with a whole slew of actions that are a response to the cue.

Examples of cues and pathways:

See an ad for pizza > remember how yummy pizza is > want pizza > buy pizza > eat pizza
Smell cinnamon rolls baking > want cinnamon rolls > waver about diet > go buy a cinnamon roll > eat it
See a dish of chocolates on the counter > want chocolates > argue with self not to have one > give in and have some
Drive down the street past Dairy Queen > remember binges in their parking lot > want fried foods > drive around the block arguing with self > pull in to drive thru > order fried food > binge in parking lot
See ex > feel stressed > want comfort > remember cake in fridge > get out cake > eat a lot of cake
Get in an argument with a family member > be upset > want to forget about it > want ice cream > binge on ice cream to forget

All of these are examples of ways we get cued to eat when we didn't intend to. We are Pavlov's dogs. We hear the bell, we salivate. We are 3-year-olds in the park. We hear the ice cream truck music, we start jumping up and down for an ice cream bar. We have those pathways in our brains that have been trained to respond a certain way.

But those pathways can be changed.

Ring the bell and do not feed the dog. Pet him instead. After awhile, he stops salivating when you ring it. He has learned that bell does not always equal food. He has unlearned that bell equals food.

Stop taking the kid to the ice cream truck when you hear the music. After awhile, they stop begging for it. I know this one firsthand, because I inadvertently trained my daughter to be cued by the ice cream truck music when she was 3, by taking her over to it for ice cream a few times. I thought it was cute how excited she got. But when the truck kept coming around day after day, it got old. It wasn't cute, it was unhealthy, and expensive. So we built a new neuron pathway:

Ice cream truck music > sit down and read a story together

How about that? She doesn't even ask for ice cream anymore. The music is no longer a cue to eat ice cream.

But you can bet if I took her for ice cream the next time we heard that music, the old pathway would be reactivated. She would ask and beg and jump up and down for ice cream every time she heard the music again, because it is SO EASY to go right back down that old pathway. It is always there, under the new pathway.

Break the automatic way you respond to cues. You can build new pathways. Here are mine:

Drive past McDonalds > remember fly in my ice cream cone > feel revolted > can't get away fast enough
Smell pizza > inhale and smell it more > enjoy the smell and how it is free of negative consequences > move on
Get stressed out > want comfort > hug my daughter > pet my puppy > feel more relaxed
Feel upset about a situation > go in my room and cry > work it out in my head > do something about the problem > feel better
See candy bars at the checkout > remember how sore my joints feel when I eat sugar > vividly imagine the pain > walk away from candy

You can do this. You are smarter than a dog. You are more in control of yourself than a 3-year-old. You can CHOOSE how you respond to your cues. Build new pathways. It makes life so much easier.

Tip of the Day

Tip of the day:

When you are in a big hurry and have a very busy day, and decide to make your dinner early, and spend time defrosting, prepping, cooking, weighing, and cutting up your chicken breast to put over your salad, DO NOT leave the bowl of cooked, measured, cut up chicken strips in a bowl on the counter to cool, even for ONE SECOND, because you will be incredibly pissed off when you turn around to help your child with something and your dog PUTS HER PAWS ON THE COUNTER, STICKS HER BIG WET SNOUT IN YOUR BOWL OF CHICKEN, AND STARTS EATING IT.

That is all.

Taking Control

Yesterday I did something really dumb. I went to the buffet. The one I used to binge at. You know the one, a national chain where they always have fried chicken, mashed potatoes, mac n cheese, and of course tons of salads. And the dessert bar... do not forget the dessert bar.

Why? Why do I continue to put myself in the path of an oncoming train, standing on the tracks, ignoring the blaring horn, bending down to sniff the little flowers growing between the ties and then jumping up, shocked, as I finally notice a train is bearing down on me and I AM ON THE TRACKS!

I am not stupid. I know going to ANY buffet is risky for me. It is riskier than it is for your average Joe, even though most people who go there overeat OR eat unhealthy things (simply because it is not a health buffet... it is a cheap, fatty, salty, sugary food buffet). Everyone tells me not to go. I tell myself not to go. But there I am, having a busy day shopping and wanting to just stop and have a quick lunch with the kid or two who are with me. It used to be McDonald's or Wendy's or Arby's. Now it turned into the lunch buffet, because with the free kids coupon it is almost as cheap as fast food... and it IS fast. The food is already prepared. I don't want to take a lot of time (and money) to go in to a sit-down-and-wait-to-be-served restaurant. So we end up just "popping in" to the buffet because, I think, "they always have salad and chicken!" Yeah...

It's a bad habit. It's one of those old "roads" I wrote about yesterday, that I learned about from Dr. Kessler. When you overeat or binge eat, you form pathways in your brain. And there are "cues" that trigger you to go down those old pathways over and over again. The cues could be opening the fridge and seeing chocolate pudding (which triggers you to WANT it, and then EAT it). It could be going to the grocery store and walking down the junk food aisle, triggering the memory of past binge runs (like I described yesterday; that was me being "cued.") Or it could be walking in the door to a buffet where you used to ALWAYS eat loads of fried foods and six desserts. THAT is a cue. I did that to myself yesterday. I took a step on the wrong pathway, with good intentions, and as soon as I got in there and saw all the other people loading their plates with fried potatoes, gravy, onion rings and macaroni salad, I was cued. Hard.

The cue led me to *consider* eating a piece of fried chicken, simply because I was on that neural pathway just by being at the buffet. But I did what I described yesterday: I made an EXECUTIVE DECISION to NOT eat fried chicken, but to choose baked chicken. I made an EXECUTIVE DECISION to override what my lower brain was telling me to eat, and I used my intelligence to choose something better. I did in fact have a nice large, on-plan salad, a serving of green beans, 2 BAKED chicken thighs with skin removed, and a small (like 2 ounce) piece of steak. I DECIDED to ignore the screaming inner brat, which in fact is my amygdala calling for stimulation, and I drank ice water with a slice of lemon instead of sodas or other sugary drinks. I used the frontal lobe of my cerebral cortex to DECIDE not to listen to the amygdala in the limbic system (learn about your brain here) and not be derailed onto an old pathway. I began a new pathway, one in which a buffet does not signal overindulgence.

When I took the kids to the dessert bar (where I allow them to choose ONE small dessert, unlike the crazy people who let their six-year-olds go crazy with cookies, ice cream, brownies and cake simply because it is there and it is free), I looked for sugar free Jello. There was none. There was sugar free PIE, but there is no way that is on plan for me. So I asked a staff member if there was sugar free Jello, she checked and said no, so I DECIDED to skip dessert and have another glass of ice water until everyone else at my table was ready to leave.

Now, I am in no way advocating going to your old binge haunts (like buffets) to see if you can win the war with your emotional brain. No way. In fact I am trying to back up and make a new pathway for myself that begins BEFORE I enter the buffet. Perhaps bringing along a little cooler with healthy foods in it when we are shopping, or scouting out a healthier, but still cheaper and faster, lunch option in the vicinity. Going to a buffet is STILL a dumb choice *for me.* I know I am not always strong enough to resist that pull. One of these days I'll be to tired or stressed to go down the new pathway and will revert to the old. So I need to not cue myself and be in that position (in the general area of fried chicken and other hyperpalatable foods in limitless amounts) in the first place. But, I AM saying, we... all of us... are capable of learning that those desires and wants and screams from within for FOOD can be overridden with an EXECUTIVE DECISION. That is my new mantra. "I am making an executive decision." That is my higher brain talking. It is taking charge. No more base, impulse "I can't control myself" behavior. I mean, like I said, I will screw up, I am sure. But this is my new perception. I... the higher thinking brain....am in control and will DECIDE my own behavior instead of giving in to base impulse and desire. And I believe all of us can, once aware of how our brains are functioning, make those decisions at least most of the time.

As a result of eating slightly higher fat than normal (thighs, not breast, and higher fat dressing than I have at home) and lots of sodium (which is ubiquitous in buffet foods... you shoulda tasted those green beans! Salllllllty!) I am up a pound today. I know what it is. It will come back off with less salt and more water.

Enjoy your day!

Thank You, Dr. Kessler

Yesterday, someone ate ALL my salad. I ended up heading to the grocery store to buy a new big package of salad along with some lean ground turkey that was on sale. In a rare twist, I actually got to go alone.

It was evening, around 7pm, and I wandered the aisles for the few other items I remembered I needed. As I wandered, vividly it came back to me: the many, many times I have gone to that very store, alone, wandering those very aisles on a binge run. I sometimes would do it around that time of evening, after the little one was asleep, leaving an older child (teen) in charge while I'd run to the store 5 minutes away "for milk." Only, it was actually a binge run. I'd wander the aisles, grab some chips, some ice cream, a few candy bars, whatever. And then I'd go home and eat it. Sometimes I would be "nice" and give a candy bar to the babysitting kid, and then when they went back to doing their own thing, I'd eat the rest of the stuff. Alone. Eating until 10pm.

Last night for some reason those foods kept nagging my brain. It's hard to explain; I wasn't craving them. I wasn't considering buying them. I wasn't struggling. I knew I was staying on plan. But this one part of me way in the back of my head was saying, "I can't wait until I can binge again."

There is nothing on this earth that is going to take away my past. There is no therapy or drug or diet that can erase the pathways in my brain that were worn over and over again for more than a decade... the binge pathways... the ones I used to default to every day. I am building new pathways now and it is easier to travel them instead of diverting down those binge alleys, but that addict part of me that loved the behavior, that needed the behavior, that MISSES the behavior, was saying, "when I binge again, I will have that ice cream, and those chips, and that candy. Oh boy, I cannot wait!" And that is kind of scary.

Consciously of course I know I never want to binge again. I don't PLAN to binge again. I am terrified because one binge leads to an awful lot of out-of-control eating that lasts for days or weeks or months. It is like falling off a cliff. And it is way, way easier to stand here on the top of the mountain and just STAY HERE than it is to throw myself down the hill and try to crawl and climb my way back up. I know. I have done it so.many.times. Scary.

I dream of it. I imagine it. I remember it. All the wonderful feelings that come with a binge. I remember the high and the calming effect of the food and how the world disappears for awhile and all my troubles are gone just for that few moments. But I also remember the pain, the agony, the excruciating physical and emotional fallout that comes with giving in to an addiction. I remember, and I DO NOT want to go through it again. EVER. It is an painful a withdrawal as I can imagine.

I recently had the pleasure of meeting Dr. David Kessler, author of The End of Overeating. The way he explains things... the very precise, scientific explanation behind our sense of inability to control our eating... it is profound. I cried when I first truly understood that I am not a freak. EVERYONE's brains work this way. It is just the sum of my experiences and my behaviors and the things I have done and eaten that have formed these pathways in my brain. It's not ME. It's my damned amygdala. But the only one who can change it is me. As Dr. Kessler so compassionately said, "It's no one's FAULT." And there is a way out. And I am on it. I am, by my everyday behavior and response to food and eating, forming those new pathways that can sort of overlay the old, binge ones. I was thinking about that as I drove home. I took the same road I have taken every day for 15 years to get home. It's a four-lane road, but part was under construction that night. The two right hand lanes were blocked off, and there were cones directing us to drive in one of the left-hand lanes. As I pondered whether I would EVER be able to adjust to the new pathways I am forming and how difficult it is not to go back to the old, I noticed something. Even though I have driven in the right-hand lane of that road every day for 15 years, it did not take a monumental effort for me to shift to driving on the left. I couldn't go on auto-pilot like I often do, but I just had to have a perception shift that the lane I was driving in was MY LANE, and that no, I should not go driving over on the right when it is blocked off by cones.

Once the pathways are formed, we CAN stay on them by paying attention. We CAN choose not to go back to the old pathways. It is NOT impossible. But they are always there. Always there.

Thank you Dr. Kessler for helping me to understand that there is a scientific, biological basis for what I have gone through. Thank you for being compassionate and trying to help people break free from the prison of compulsive overeating. Thank you, because I pretty much muddled along for years figuring this out on my own, and now, it finally all makes sense.

I hope I can use what I have learned to help others who read my blog. I want to share so much, but struggle to put it all into words. I truly hope the strategies I have learned will help someone, anyone, understand and gain control of their eating. And I hope and pray that I can stay on this path to freedom that I am on. I know it is likely I will have some lapses, but I am going to fight with all that I have to change the habits that turned me into a binge eater in the first place. I think I have a good start.

Week in Review

What an interesting week! This week, I decided to not only stay 100% on plan (Medifast 5&1, explained here) but to also to log my food and pay closer attention to my carbs. This is not necessary, really, since as long as a person sticks to the food guidelines, the numbers take care of themselves. However, there is a carb *range* that is optimal for weight loss, and it is 80-85 g carbs/day. Some people end up lower, some higher. As long as you don't go over 100 g carbs/day it is still "on plan." When I have logged my food intermittently in the past, I have stayed in the mid 90's with my carbs most of the time. I was curious to see if lowering my carbs to about 85 would have any effect on my weight loss.

So, here are my carbs per day for this week:
Sunday: 74g
Monday: 85g
Tuesday: 79g
Wednesday: 87g
Thursday: 84g
Friday: 86g
Saturday: 92g

How I did it:

I chose at least one of the lowest carb Medifast meals per day (they range from 8-15g each but most are 12/13g) which include the 3 types of eggs, the Cranberry Mango drink, the Tropical punch, Cream of Broccoli soup, Cream of Chicken soup, and Chicken Noodle soup. I was very careful about not adding extra condiments to my food. I chose the lowest of the low carb allowed veggies (mainly salads and spinach this week) and chose Lean options with minimal carbs (some veggie burgers and such are allowed but they have higher carbs). I stopped having a full tablespoon of peanut butter for my snack every day even though that is also allowed. All of this took very minimal effort on my part, and in the end I learned a couple of things about myself.

1. If I eat very low carb early in the day, I get a very mild headache that sticks around. I feel much better... great actually... when I eat the higher carb foods earlier in the day and cut back at night.

2. It is hard for me to get my carbs UNDER 80, but very easy to keep them around 85.

3. I don't really need to log my food. I can stay around 85g just by being aware of what I am putting in my mouth.

You can see all the Lean & Green (homemade) dinners I ate this week on my Twitter account. I post what I eat there daily. Last night's planked salmon was fantastic! I am having the leftovers over a salad for dinner tonight.

This week's exercise:

I walked the dog a mile or two each day. I strength trained my upper body (mostly arms) at home, which takes about 15-20 minutes, three times this week. My max dumbbell weight was 10lbs.

Results? Scale says 184 pounds. I lost 3 pounds this week.

Feeling great! How about you?

*FTC-required disclosure: Medifast provided me with its products for my personal use for free. I am not paid or compensated in any other way for mentioning their products. Medifast states an "average weight loss of up to 2 to 5 pounds a week."*

On that Discussion...

Well, I didn't mean to, but I practically posted a whole blog post this morning over on my community responding to "Can an obese person be healthy?" I will just direct you over there if you'd like to read my response. If you haven't, check out the comments regarding this topic on my last blog post. I have to say I read some viewpoints I hadn't thought about before. I am so glad we can share our thoughts on this kind of topic, because enlightening each other and learning from each other is such a rich part of life. Thank you for participating in that!

I am all 'written out' so I will save my weight-related post for tomorrow's weigh in. Enjoy your weekend!

Can An Obese Person Be Healthy?

I was thinking about something someone (a relative) told me, when I weighed about 214 pounds. She said, "You have got to get that weight off. You are really unhealthy! Think of your children!" At the time, I had lost 64 pounds already. I had cut junk food almost completely out of my diet and replaced it with local, organic, fresh produce and free range lean meats and eggs, whole grains, and healthy fats. I was biking 6 days a week, about 7 miles each ride. I was lifting weights three times a week. Many of the health issues that plagued me at 278 pounds had completely disappeared, including high blood pressure, acid reflux, and plantar fasciitis. I was able to hike up steep terrain for two miles with my children with no problem at all.

But was she right? Was I "really unhealthy" because of the weight?

Am I healthier now, almost 30 pounds lighter but NOT biking or exercising as much, and eating less whole, healthy foods?

Is WEIGHT, or BMI for that matter, really an accurate indicator of a person's health? I don't think so. But by definition, obesity is (according to Wikipedia) "a medical condition in which excess body fat has accumulated to the extent that it may have an adverse effect on health, leading to reduced life expectancy and/or increased health problems.... Obesity increases the likelihood of various diseases, particularly heart disease, type 2 diabetes, breathing difficulties during sleep, certain types of cancer, and osteoarthritis." How can an obese person really be healthy, then?


There is the whole "fat and fit" mindset, where people who are (according to BMI charts) obese are still very active and *feel* wonderful and healthy. I am not talking about bodybuilders or professional athletes, for whom BMI charts are completely inaccurate. I mean your standard "heavy" person, who by society's standards could stand to lose 30 or 40 pounds, maybe more. Do you think an obese person *can* be healthy and fit? Or must they lose weight to reach their full potential?

How about someone who is *morbidly* obese (about 100 pounds or more overweight)? Do you think *any* morbidly obese person can be fit and healthy?

I am curious to see what your views are on this topic, so feel free to leave a comment here, or continue the discussion in my new community that I just created. It's a BlogFrog community, which is like a message board where we can post discussions about weight, diet, health, etc. and connect as bloggers and readers. I set this up after seeing the fiery discussion in the comments of this post, and I thought it would be neat if we could continue discussing things like this on a message board forum rather than just in the comments section. I hope you guys will find the forum useful and fun, a way to connect and discuss things that are on our minds. You can weigh in on this question by clicking on the Escape from Obesity Community link on the left side of this page under my progress picture links, or by clicking here: Can an obese person be healthy? Those who join the community will also be able to have their own blog posts listed and linked on the forum for others to read and connect with them! Let me know what you think. I have never tried to set up a message board forum before, so I hope this is something we'll all enjoy.

Party or Drudgery

I really like blogging. It is so therapeutic and cleansing for me. I always post my most honest, raw feelings and thoughts, and this 'processing' by putting them into words has helped me more than I can say! So thank you for reading, and for the feedback you give.

The past week or so, I have been a little disconcerted about how I feel about my food. By "my food," I mean the foods I am currently eating that are on plan. On Medifast, aside from the 5 prepackaged meals, I eat fresh veggies, lean meats, and healthy fats. The fats and seasonings and condiments are limited, so the meals are pretty simple. Nourishing and basic but not so so super yummy that it kills you not to have seconds and you obsess all night about them (like fettuccine Alfredo or greasy sausage pizza or nachos... you know, those foods that just SCREAM to be binged on).

Eating this way forces me to see food as fuel and not as entertainment or comfort or anything else. Sure, it tastes good. Nothing wrong with getting pleasure from food. But it is not over-the-top. That is why I don't binge on Medifast. Like last night, I had a taco salad. I browned some 93% lean ground beef, measured out 5 ounces, cooked it with some fresh salsa, seasoned it with spicy Mrs. Dash, and put it over a large salad of spinach, Romaine, and cherry tomatoes. I added 2 tablespoons of Litehouse Light Salsa Ranch dressing. It was very good. It tasted fine. But let me tell you. It was NOT the OMG YUMMY, STUFF MYSELF kind of good you get from a restaurant taco salad in a deep fried tortilla bowl with tons of cheese, sour cream, and guacamole.

And so, the disconcerting part: I have stopped really caring about food. It is dramatic. It is like falling suddenly out of love with someone... maybe more like suddenly falling out of lust/infatuation with someone... particularly if that someone were a long distance pen pal who is in prison for murdering his ex wife. Know what I mean? Unhealthy relationship. Not real. But feels real and then suddenly you snap out of it and go OH MY GOSH WHAT WAS I THINKING?? Yeah, it's kinda like that.

I care that I have something to eat when I am hungry or when my body needs nourishment. I care that it does not taste disgusting. I care that it is good for me and leads to better health. But I no longer "care" about the food in such an intimate way that it is like a lover. You know what I mean if you ever went on a binge run and sat in your car eating donuts or candy bars. It is almost like a secret intimate relationship. Your heart races, you can hardly wait to pay the cashier and get to the car to make love to your stash. It's kind of sick, I guess. I hate that I used to do that in the parking lot under the glow of the grocery store lights. Yikes.

But I digress. My point is that food, for me, is either a party or a drudgery.

Eating cake and ice cream and chips is a big party!! Woohoo!!

Eating a bowl of lettuce with light dressing and grilled chicken is a drudgery. Blah. Do I really have to eat this?

I am working on getting somewhere in between. The taco salad last night was a good example. It was enjoyable ENOUGH. I didn't MIND eating it. It tasted pretty good. But if someone had come by halfway through my meal and knocked the bowl out of my hand, scattering the remnants of salad and meat across the floor for the dog to lick up, I'd have just shrugged and went on with my life. Not have taken their arm off while screaming like a banshee as I would have if the salad was a plate of Oreos back in the binge-days.

I used to be an awesome cook. A fantastic baker. I guess I still am, but I don't cook 'like that' anymore often enough to know for sure. Creamy rich sauces, casseroles heavy with cheese, potato-ey noodle-y things and fried things were my specialty. But now I know better, so I do better. I *can* use my culinary skills to make healthy recipes, but honestly right now I don't care to. Oh I make things for the family, for the kids, but usually the same rotation. Not much new. I used to mourn the loss of that part of myself... the lady who could make fantastic cakes and pies and cookie bars... but now, it's okay. I don't really mind anymore.

My LIFE can be the party now. I don't need a bowl of brownie batter to feel happy and excited and alive. I get that from being out in the sunshine with my kids or working on obedience with my dog or doing yard work in my back yard. I am okay with food being just "okay" and not orgasmic. I see now that THAT is part of breaking the obsession. Because the "party" food mentality... THAT is the obsession, the binge mindset that I want to get away from.

Scale this morning says: 186.

In the Grey Area

I have been floating for a long time in the grey area between thin and fat. Yes, I know I am technically still "fat," but I am talking about a mindset and a feeling and the way my body looks and acts. Look at the pictures there on the left... the ones I took when I reached 178 pounds. To me, that is my "thin" body. At 178, or 175 as I lost a bit more, I felt like a very "normal" weight person wherever I went. My weight very rarely impacted anything I wanted to do. I could fit into all my clothes and look pretty darn good and feel good about what I saw in the mirror.

Then there is my "fat" body. This is where I am more comfortable. It is more familiar to me to be "fat." I have realized that my body feels and looks "fat" rather than "thin" to me at about 192 pounds. When I weighed in the mid-190's (recently), I had extra padding all around my hips and middle. My clothes felt tight and I had a bulging muffin top. It was actually harder to move with just that extra 20-ish pounds on my body. Everything on me felt softer and squishier and when I looked in the mirror I saw bulges here and there. And I felt rather disgusted at my body and myself. And oddly enough, THAT is the feeling I am most comfortable with. Disappointment, disgust, and feeling fat and out-of-control.

I have noticed as I am losing weight this time that as the fat melts off my body once again, I get to a point where I am in the "grey area" between my thin body and my fat body. I reach this point at about 187 pounds. I lose the extra fluff. My clothes start fitting me better. The muffin top is GONE and my waist suddenly returns, giving me the hourglass curvy figure people admire. It is easier to move. I don't look like I've gained a bunch of weight. And the bones start to reappear... just barely.

I have written before about how I had an intense emotional reaction the first time I noticed my bones showing through my fat. I almost had a breakdown about it. Hip bones, wrist bones, and at 175 pounds, rib bones started to show and be able to be felt easily. Somewhere in the back of my mind, bones = death. I had to work through that association. It was causing me to regain/lose/regain/lose as my subconscious kept trying to get me to re-cover those bones in fat in order to relieve the intense distress and dying-person-memories they dredged up.

So now, at 186 pounds, I am in that grey area once again where I am not quite "thin" with bones poking out and I still might look slightly pregnant in the wrong pants, yet I am not bulging out of the seams of my shirts anymore. This is my comfort zone. This is where I have gotten stuck since last fall, losing and gaining 10 pounds on either side of 186 for months. Some people might call it a set point, but I think it is all mental. Change is HARD. Breaking though and leaving the old familiar 'self' can be scary. And if 175 is scary to me now, I can only imagine the feelings I will have to cope with as I reach lows I have not seen in 20 years: 165, 155, maybe 145. THAT is why the weight comes off slowly and in spurts for me. I am doing that mental work that is absolutely essential for long-term success, as I go down the scale.

I feel ready to finally leave this grey area and embrace my "thin" body. I am ready, finally, to say goodbye to that past version of Lyn that was hiding behind a pan of brownies and doing the best she could to cope with immense life stresses... using binge eating as a coping mechanism just to survive. Farewell, dear one, you did the best you could with what you had. I am stepping forward in courage *without* the fat suit.

Ideal vs. Reality: Learning to Accept but Not Settle

Ideally, this is how my days "should" look, in my own mind, shooting for my own best health and optimal comfort:
I would lift weights for an hour, 3x a week, including all my PT exercises for my knees.
I would bike for 30-45 minutes 6 days a week to build endurance and aerobic conditioning.
I would not eat any processed foods, only fresh, local, organic produce and free range meat and eggs with some olive oil and maybe some nuts and seeds.
I would only drink water and unsweetened teas. No diet sodas, artificial sweeteners, or sugar. I'd drink at least 3 cups of green tea per day for prevention of reproductive cancers that run in my family.
I'd get 8 hours of restful sleep each night.
I would get outside for a 2 mile walk with the pooch and some play time with the little one.
I would clean my house, organize things, and declutter.
I would get away for "me" time a few times a week.

Well, that is the ideal dream I have in my head. But reality is, I have been unable to keep ALL of that stuff up for very long. It stresses me out trying to be perfect and do everything. And part of the price I pay for the wonderful gift of having five children and two dogs is the sacrifice of MY time and will for theirs. I wouldn't trade that for the most perfect body in the world!

Real life is not ideal. I think many times we set ourselves up for disappointment by putting big goals before ourselves that, while perhaps not *impossible* to reach, require a level of sacrifice that is not conducive to our happiness. Sometimes, we need to accept our own limits and be happy with what we *can* do, thankful for the changes we *have* made, and proud of the progress we *are* making.

I DO lift weights, but only twice or three times a week for 20 minutes. I don't get the PT in.
I DO choose local, organic, fresh veggies and free range meats for my dinners, when I can. I also eat processed stuff as a means to an end.
I DO drink lots and lots of water. I also still drink diet sodas and artificial sweeteners, again, as a means to an end. I don't get that green tea in very often.
I DO try to get at least 6 hours of sleep, but 8 doesn't happen too often.
I DO often get at least one mile, sometimes 2, in with the dog. I always get outside to play with the little one.
I DO clean, but my house is still a wreck of sorts. Decluttering is not happening at the moment.
I DO go to dog sport events once or twice a week, and that will have to do for "me" time at the moment.

Now, I have a choice. I can be frustrated at all the ideals I am NOT reaching, or I can be pleased with what I AM successful at. I can feel good about myself or bad about myself. Why not feel good? Why not?

That is not to say we should settle for less. I am not saying you should think, "oh, I should be exercising but I am not, no big deal!" or, "I am obese and should lose weight but am not, oh well, I will just be happy where I am!"  Instead, I am saying we should be happy on the journey, and KEEP TRYING to hit the goals WITHOUT feeling bad that we fall short. Does that make sense? I still know I want to be biking. It is still a goal. I still plan to incorporate it. But I refuse to label myself a failure because I am not reaching that part of my own idea of what I want/need to be doing RIGHT NOW.

The true measure of success is time. If I am closer to my goals NOW than I was 6 months ago, that is movement in the right direction. If I am closer still 6 months from now, I know I have momentum and am getting close to the life I imagine for myself. It does take work and effort and stepping outside your comfort zone. You can't sit by and just be satisfied with as-is. You have to work at it. But you also need to accept and love yourself for the small, positive changes you have made already and are still making over time. Over TIME. That is the key. Do not be impatient and want it all to happen right now.

Look at the big picture. Give yourself credit for what you HAVE done. And then, keep working towards your goals, bit by bit.

Battle with a Peanut Butter Jar

Yesterday, my PMS abated and I started to feel better, but I also had some minor stress/inner conflict that caused me to have a stare-down with a peanut butter jar. I always have several kinds of peanut butter in the house: all natural, mixed almond/cashew natural, crunchy Jif for the teens, and creamy Jif just because I have never had a life without creamy Jif and my younger kids also love it. And since it fits into my plan in moderation (1 Tbsp as a snack, once per day if I want it), I like having it there. I like putting a little on a protein-packed pancake or in a shake or on celery. I haven't had a problem with the Jif before, even though I used to eat it by the 1/2-cupful in my previous life. I have, however, almost had to stop buying the natural stuff. I ate a whole small jar of it at one point this winter. In one sitting.

Anyway, I was mad about the crackers yesterday but successfully avoided them, but the Jif was starting to get to me. I was making sandwiches for my daughter and it smelled so delicious on that whole wheat bread. I put some in my shake. I had a little lick off the spoon (all measured and on plan). But once that tablespoon was gone, I wanted more.

I ended up standing in the kitchen having a face off with a big red-labeled jar on the counter and the smell of peanut butter lingering in the air. I know it was the "gateway" to a binge. I know how it goes with me; a few bites off plan and then I have to fight the huge waves of disappointment and frustration in myself that come after and the binge thoughts that follow.

I ate an extra half tablespoon of Jif. I felt mad at myself. I talked myself through it in my head:

"I always want to overeat when I am about to drop weight. For some reason I am still afraid to lose this weight. I do not need to be afraid. I am not fragile. I do want this. For some reason I subconsciously enjoy the battle more than the reward. This has to stop. There is no reason to keep cycling within the same 10-15 pound range. My body is tired of this. I have to stay in control and not let this overtake me."

So I did. I stayed coherent, did not succumb to the giant, sucking vortex of binge behavior. Instead, I swam to shore.

I feel much better this morning. The scale rewarded my valiant effort with a loss this week: -2 pounds, despite PMS all week. I now weigh 187 pounds and am 13 pounds from a new low. And for perspective, I am down 11 pounds in the past 3 weeks. Twenty one days on plan.

Do not let the peanut butter jar win. You can beat this thing!

Hug your father today if you can.

Crackers

Today at the grocery store, they were giving out free samples. A LOT of free samples. Nothing I could eat and stay on plan. At the end of every aisle there was a sample table. I was doing okay until I got to the table with little scoops of FREE ice cream. Not just any ice cream, but a premium ice cream in my favorite flavor: chocolate peanut butter. Well that sucked, but I walked by. I didn't crave or want it and I had no problem leaving it alone, but it set me on edge with those "dammit, I just want to eat ice cream instead of salad!" thoughts. Then in the next aisle they had cracker sandwiches with bacon cheese spread in the middle. I almost cussed in my head. I was fine. I didn't even really WANT one. I didn't crave it, my mouth didn't water (unlike the past, when I have been struggling and not firmly on plan/low carb, it has been HARD and I had to fight myself to get away from it.) This time, it was just thoughts. The whole way through the store I was thinking about how if I could get away with it, I would eat junk food all day every day. In the car on the way home, I was thinking how maybe when I get all the weight off I could find a way to eat 1200 calories a day of crackers and ice cream and not regain (of course I know THAT is not possible for me, because there IS no 1200 calories of junk for me. There is only 3000+ calories of junk!) I even glanced at McDonald's on the way home, where I have not gone in more than a year and a half, and imagined how "nice" a cheeseburger would be. Yuck! I don't even want that anymore! Yet there is this 'food memory' in my head that pops out and reminds me of how "nice" it used to be to eat whatever I craved, in whatever quantity I desired. It is very, very important to remember that the consequences of those actions were far from "nice." Heart palpitations lying on a metal table in the ER, hobbling across the beach to tell my kids we needed to leave because my knees hurt, knocking things off shelves with my ample hips in a store sending glass crashing to the ground, waking up choking on my own reflux-vomit at night, trying to hide the huge holes between the thighs of the black stretch pants I had to wear, huffing and puffing after my toddler as she darted dangerously close to a street and depending on a stranger to grab her for me, breaking a chair at a baseball game, sitting on the sidelines of life... all not "nice." Not the life I want anymore. It horrifies me that I lived that way and almost, ALMOST *stayed* that way... had I not started this blog in 2007 and taken control. I would still BE there. It truly horrifies me how close I came to not choosing this path.

Those stupid cheese crackers? They look good. I want some. Heck I want a whole box. But I want my LIFE more.

Scheduled Eating

The time is dragging, draaaaaaggggggggging today, because I have no appointments, school is out, dance is on break, nothing pressing going on. I love calm easy days, except when I am PMSing and then my brain keeps telling me to eat out of boredom. This is where eating on a schedule helps me tremendously!

Me: oh, wouldn't some tomato soup bread be good right now?
Myself: yeah, let's have that for lunch.
Me: how about now?
Myself: nah, it isn't time. We just had a shake an hour ago.
Me: so what? We can eat early.
Myself : nope, we eat at 8, 10, 12, 3, 6 and 9.
Me: but....
Myself: no buts. You're just bored. Go do something.
Me: wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!

So it helps me to know what time is time to eat, how long I need to wait, and that no, I will NOT starve, I will be fine for another hour. And then I drink a glass of water and go do laundry or something.

I find that turning to food for entertainment is a hard habit to break, but once broken, life is better. I get more done. I am more engaged. So if this is something that bothers you, too, (annoying nagging food thoughts because you are bored) then give scheduled eating a try. It can help keep your blood sugar stable, and lets your mind rest between eating times because it knows you are not going to eat until x o'clock!

All Those Eaten Feelings

You might not know it from my blog posts, but this is a very hard week for me. I struggle with PMS for about 5 days out of almost every month. I always have. When I was in 7th grade, I used to get so sick I'd stay home from school and lay in a recliner with a hot pack on my belly all day, too sick to move. For some reason, my mom never gave me anything for the pain or cramps, so I just suffered. When I was older with small children, I'd get so sick for a week that the neighbor would say to me, "are you okay? You look almost green!" My skin would get this sickish cast to it and I would battle cramps, headaches, nausea, and fatigue for days. And then, poof! It would be gone and I'd feel great again when my cycle started.

I have seen several doctors and tried different medications, but what has made the biggest difference in my PMS is what I eat. Sugar and junk makes it worse. Low carb healthy eating makes it better. In fact when I am on plan, there are months I don't have even a hint of PMS at all! And even when it's at its worst, like right now, it is 90% better than it ever was before I was eating right.

Anyway, I have been on plan for 18 days now. (My goal is to make it to 100 in a row). But this week has been hard... very hard. Not so much the physical symptoms, which are there but very mild (very slight, occasional headache and nausea, and bloating/cramps that are pretty minor). But the emotional effects are there... and WORSE right now. Every day I have had moments where I felt like going off somewhere and crying. Every day I have felt frustrated, angry, and upset at least briefly to the point of tears. Every day I have had negative thoughts that aren't usually there. Why? Because I am not using food to cram them down.

When you stop eating your feelings, they start bubbling out. They need to be felt. They come to the surface instead of constantly being shoved back with chips and ice cream. Believe me, I am a pro at stuffing my feelings down with food. And now that I have stopped, PMS is just the hormonal tripwire that allows everything to slowly start coming up and out. And I have to sit with those feelings, and feel them, and acknowledge them.

The eating this week has not been hard. I am on plan and have very few cravings or desires to go off plan. Whenever I see or smell something yummy but off plan, I just think, "nope, not going down that path. Not worth it." And that's that. But throughout the day I find myself upset about the most random things, like that I am not sure which of my kids' lock of blonde hair I found in a baggie, or that my house doesn't have a decent deck, or that our yard is smaller than the neighbors. I saw a picture in the paper of a little boy running to hug his father who was returning from overseas, and the huge smile on his face and his mother's following behind to hug her husband, and I got all emotional because I never got to experience that kind of relationship with kids who look up to and adore their father, a father who is a pillar to the family, a life partner who adores me. I mean come on, looking at that picture and having this huge emotional reaction about my own failed relationships is a bit over sensitive, I think. I see the neighbors having a barbecue and my emotions get the best of me because I don't have the luxury of a husband who barbecues or a yard for entertaining or a lot of close friends to come and celebrate anything with me. Oh, it's all silly stuff, really, because I do have a good life, but it is stuff that apparently has been bothering me on some level, and the thoughts are all coming out NOW because I am letting them, instead of eating them.

So it's a rough week, I am emotional, but not turning to food and not considering turning to food. It does get exhausting dealing with a million little feelings that have been mashed down and contained for 20 years with binge eating, that are all slowly leaking out at once. All the "if only I hadn't"'s and "if only I had"'s is tiring, but it needs to be done. Once I think them through and let myself feel them, they go away. I don't dwell on them anymore. And I think that is healthy... letting it out. And I know next week will be much, much better.

Big Screen, and Effort

Have you ever seen a candid picture of yourself projected on a 30 foot wide, giant auditorium screen in front of an audience of hundreds of people? No? Well. You're not missing out, let me tell you.

I was shocked and surprised to have this happen to me last week as part of a presentation for a club I belong to. I had no idea it was coming. I don't remember the picture being taken. But from how I looked, it was taken in the winter during my frumpy period a couple months ago. You know the one... when I was wearing jeans a size too big that were faded and baggy and an unflattering top that made me look bigger than I am? And was not exactly spending a lot of time on my hair? And no makeup? Yeah. Then.

After getting over the initial reaction of wanting to crawl under a chair and hide forever, I realized that I have actually come a long way in just a couple of months. Even though my weight hasn't changed much, I retired the fat pants and started taking better care of myself and more pride in my appearance *even* on days that I feel "fat." And I determined never to be caught in a picture looking like that again. Yikes.

It also helped me decide that no, I am so not done losing weight. I can never rely on what I see in the mirror or even how I feel about my body. Some days I see a thin woman and think, "good enough! This is it!" and other days I see a very obese woman and feel really shocked that I "still" look like that. I know reality is somewhere in between, but I truly do need to drop at least 30 more pounds. Period.

Speaking of weight, I was looking at my little planner book this morning that I keep with my stats in it. It's just one of those checkbook-sized little 2 year planners you get in the store for a buck, and I got it in December 2009. Almost daily, I wrote my weight in it, whether I was on or off plan, what exercise I did, any restaurants or party meals I had, and any times I was sick. In the back, I wrote my body measurements every ten pounds. It is an amazing record of this journey... so concise, so much information. As I looked back over "what happened" since fall (which, basically, is that I lost no weight and am heavier than I was in October), I find the little summary interesting:

October (2010): started the month at 186, hit my 100-pounds-lost mark (178) late in the month, and got down to 175 (my low so far). Felt sick for 2 days at the end of the month, went to a party on Halloween where nothing on-plan was served, and ate off plan (and shared this on my blog).

November: Started at 175, was off plan about 1/3 of the days that month, got up to 187

December: Started at 181, tried calorie counting for about a week, went back on Medifast but ate a lot of cookies and was off plan about half the days. High of 189.

January: Started at 186, was doing PT, got as low as 178 and then got sick. Was on plan about half the time.

February: Started at 185, did a lot of walking but then got SUPER sick with an ER visit and a lot of meds. Was sick for 3 weeks and off plan.

March: Started at 185, still sick for another week, was off plan about half the days this month.

April: Started at 184, got down to 182 and then I stopped logging ANY info until 2 weeks later when I hit 195. Guess I was majorly off plan!

May: Started at 198, was off plan about half the time, started lifting weights.

June: Started at 195 and have been completely on plan all month, now at 188.

Yeah, a lot of effort and a lot of messing around, both. So, see, I was probably on plan somewhat less than half the time over the past 8 months. Say about 100 days. And the rest of the time I was either halfway doing it or just eating what I wanted.

Net result? Started at 186, ended up today at 188. The thing that I find ironic is this: I put in a LOT of effort over the past 8 months. A LOT. Even on days I was off plan I was often starting off the day *trying* to get my stuff together. And those 100 days on plan? If they'd been strung together in a row instead of scattered over 8 months, it probably would have resulted in a loss of at least 25 pounds. Instead, for the same amount of effort, I got a net 2-pound gain. And that, my friends, is the price of messing around having a cookie here and there instead of consolidating the effort into one long stretch of eating right.

This is what keeps me focused now. I can put in the same effort, 100 days worth, all in a row and get a nice loss, or I can put that effort into a scattered mess of on and off plan waffling and for the SAME EFFORT get nothing. I am going for the win.

17 days straight on plan and counting!

Binge Monster

It is hard to explain the need and drive to binge to someone who has never experienced it. It's like something out of your control overtakes you... wraps around you like an invisible dark cloud, tightens its grip like a snake while you struggle to get away, and then eventually pulls you down as you scream and fight and then eventually give in to the fate you know is coming.

It feels that way, when you have a dependence/addiction/disorder or whatever you want to call it with food. I imagine it is similar to how a trying-to-recover alcoholic feels. I have known many alcoholics, my mother included, and have seen how as long as they don't fight it and just drink, they function "just fine." Yes, there are consequences... terrible ones, sometimes... to drinking daily. Yes, a person is missing out on so much of life by just going along with the addiction. But there is no struggle as long as you just go ahead and drink. You can have a pretty normal life by day and then go drinking at night or on weekends and everyone pretty much thinks you are normal because your problems don't "show"... at least not until the addiction gets way, way out of control. Binge eating is like that. If you just go along each day giving in to the desires and urges and eating whatever you want without fighting it, you can have a pretty normal life... except you miss out on most of *real* life and eventually your body begins to show the world what your problem is, and you get lots of health problems to match.

But as soon as you decide you want to fight the monster, it raises up strong, ready for battle. It is so hard to fight that drink when you are trying to abstain completely. And it feels almost impossible to fight that binge drive once it grabs you and starts wrapping around you, pulling you down.

Yesterday was hard, emotionally. I had a few rough spots in my day and at one point my brain started screaming at me to EAT to cope. It is true, when I am stressed out, food has been my comfort, my crutch to get me through. On a difficult day, escaping with a bag of chips and pan of brownies has often been the soothing to my wounds and the calming comfort to my stressed soul. When I have been frantic, upset, angry, frustrated beyond belief and feel like I just cannot cope, EATING has been the relief valve. It works. At least, on some level. The stress is relieved and after I eat I feel like I can cope again. And yesterday, oh did I need a relief valve!

I felt that snake of addiction coming up under my feet and instead of reaching down and petting it, I stepped over it and walked away.

I sat with my (very difficult) feelings. That is all I did. I could not muster up anything more. I had some tears in my eyes, I had some unpleasant thoughts, but thankfully, because I have been OFF JUNK and low carb for over 2 weeks now, I had the presence of mind to step away. I just sat and felt bad/sad/frustrated/upset for about 45 minutes. And then the feelings passed, and I used the good brain in my head to come up with possible solutions to what was stressing me out. The stress isn't *gone,* mind you, but it sort of fades into the background after awhile. And I didn't need food to make that happen. I didn't need anything magical. I just had to have the strength to take ONE SINGLE STEP out of the coils.

This is the biggest triumph I have had in four years of working at weight loss... learning how to stop the cycle. I know from your emails and comments and blog posts that this is a big issue for many of you. And I want to tell you I am not immune. But I have the ability now to COPE and win at least a good portion of the time. What changed? Why do I not succumb to the monster? My diet. That is what gives me the strength. And I don't mean Medifast specifically, although it has been a lifesaver for me. I mean any low carb, junk-free plan. South Beach, calorie and carb counting, or just avoiding grains and sugar and staying under 100 grams of carbs per day all help. I have done them all and always am amazed at the sudden loosening of the binge monster's grip when I get a good week of healthy, low carb eating under my belt. It seems that sugar, fat, salt, carbs are triggers that make it harder and harder for me to fight the addiction. Maybe this is your key, too. I don't know, but if you are struggling like I have, it is work a try.

The monster only has the power we give it. We may feel like helpless victims when we are in the grips of the monster, but remember this: it just takes one step to get away. One step decides your fate in that moment. Stand there and let it take you, or step away.

Tired

I am so so tired today. I had a fitful night of sleep, waking up several times with a child and also because the wind kicked up and was blowing things around the house (I sleep with the windows open). Despite the lack of sleep, I got a lot done today. I ran several errands, did laundry, and took a walk to the park. And now I am exhausted!

Dinner is on the stove. I cooked some chicken breasts and chunked up 6 ounces, then cooked sliced fresh mushrooms and spinach with garlic and added 1 cup of that to the chicken along with a tablespoon of cream cheese and a bit of chicken broth. Very yummy. I will slice up a half cup of red ripe tomatoes and drizzle with light Balsamic vinaigrette to have alongside the chicken dish.

I want to do my arm exercises after I eat if I can gather the energy. Hopefully I will get to bed early tonight and feel more energized tomorrow!

Try Something New: Arugula!

I remember a long time ago reading about a salad green called arugula. I read that it was spicier than regular greens, with a bold, peppery taste. I am not into bold, peppery salad, so I passed. Until now.

I was looking for something new... a little kick for my boring usual greens like Romaine and spinach. I decided to buy a container of arugula because it was so pretty:

It is really yummy! It has a unique flavor that I can't quite describe, but wouldn't call it "peppery." Just different, and good, and interesting. And the leaves were very tender, and cute. I thought they looked like little oak leaves! So, what is this vegetable? It is not that popular in the U.S. but I think is more well-known in other countries. So let me explain.

Arugula (pronounced "ah-ROO-guh-lah") is a vegetable related to super-healthy broccoli and is a potent cancer fighter. This article explains the many health benefits of this leafy green. It's really, really good for you.

Get your salad bowl out and get ready to indulge, because arugula has only 5 calories per cup! It also contains less than a gram of carbs, no fat or cholesterol, and just 5 mg of sodium. But in that same cup you get a half gram of protein, 0.3 grams of fiber, 74 mg of potassium, as well as calcium, vitamin A, vitamin C, vitamin K, folic acid, and many other vitamins and minerals.

I have eaten it as the sole green in a salad, but I prefer it mixed with other greens. My favorite is a combination of 1 cup arugula with 1 cup mixed Romaine and spinach. It's so good as a salad base. I read in the above referenced article that it can be cooked, too! I am going to try sauteing it with olive oil and garlic and using it in the same way you'd use cooked spinach (alone, in a quiche, in an omelet, in soup).

So break out of your veggie rut and try something new! You might find a new love in the form of a leafy green.

(p.s.... take a look at my new Produce Guide at the top of the page! Hope you like it!)

Weigh In and Bodies

Last Sunday I weighed 192. Today I weigh 189. Three pounds this week is a respectable loss. I stayed on plan every day, no junk, no binges, with only a bit of extra fat on that party day I already shared about. I walked almost every day a mile or two with the pup. I only lifted weighs one day though. This was year-end recital week for my girl, so I was super busy. I will be sure and lift 3x this week. I want my arms to feel strong!

My plan continues for the coming week: stay off the cheese (even the allowed, low fat cheeses), eat lots of salads and lean proteins like chicken breast, fish, and Egg Beaters.

I had a thought last night about bodies. I am always just thrilled to watch the dancers in our recitals and how they have trained and strengthened their bodies to move. The older kids (teens) are so energetic and flexible and toned. They dance so enthusiastically in one number and then a few songs and a costume change later, they are back on the stage dancing again. They have such endurance. I see how they have conditioned their bodies to dance and leap and move. It is just amazing.

I think back to when I was a teen and how absolutely out of shape I was. I was never allowed to participate in sports or dance or gymnastics or anything like that. My mom didn't either. She was quite obese and inactive and the most activity I ever saw her do was when we went "swimming" in an indoor hotel pool. She'd sort of bob around a bit, wave her arms underwater, and tell me she was exercising. I never saw her go for a walk... not once. Never saw her do any yard work... not once. No other activity at all. A lot of TV watching and potato chips, though. My Dad was much older than she was, and his activity level pretty much matched hers. He did work in a store so he was actively on his feet at work, but at home he was fairly sedentary. He did the yard work (with me) which was not much, and he took me bowling once in awhile. I remember him playing Frisbee in the yard with me once. But that's about it. Me? I read books, did homework, watched TV, played outside with friends, and took swimming lessons in the summer as a child. I had a bike, too. When I became a teen, I no longer played outside or rode my bike or swam. I worked an office job, walked around quite a bit, and shot a few hoops with friends. But I never, ever exerted myself by running, lifting weights, or playing any sports. Well, I take that back. There was one summer when out of boredom I began hitting a tennis ball against the side of my house and onto the roof with a badminton racket. It got me running and it was so fun and I felt so fantastic that I started imagining I would someday be a great college tennis player. I used to put on my Penn State tee shirt and my visor and play for hours against the house. I didn't understand what that exercise was doing for my body... only that I felt amazing afterwards. But that only lasted one summer; my folks were not interested in getting me into actual tennis lessons, much less encouraging me to go to college.

My body was mushy. And when I looked at the cheerleader girls and the volleyball girls and the softball girls, and how they looked so much better than I did, I didn't understand why. I thought the girls with the good bodies got to play sports. But in fact I think kids who play sports actively condition their bodies and generally look better. I wish someone had explained that to me when I was a teen. It never occurred to me that I could condition my body that way. I never knew the benefits of vigorous exercise. And now that I finally "get it," I have a 41-year-old body that is not going to condition the way a 19-year-old one will. I sometimes feel sorry for myself and my very damaged knees, my arthritic hips, my joints that need to be replaced and cannot support that level of activity anymore. I wish I had done it when I was younger. But you know, I may not be able to run or jog or play sports, but I sure can strength train, walk, swim, and bike. I bet I can get into pretty good shape if I keep working at it.

The more you weigh, the more effort it takes to move. But also, the more out of shape you are, the harder it is to move. Even at a higher weight we can strengthen and condition our bodies and make it easier to move! So instead of lamenting what we don't have, let's focus on what we can do now and what the possibilities are! Maybe you can't imagine yourself strong and toned, but I believe it is within your power. We will only know what is possible if we try!

Food Haunting

How is it that food can haunt us?

It does. It haunts me sometimes, even when I am doing great and not really craving anything and not even hungry much, like now. Yet it can dance in my head because of *exposure*... a trigger of some kind, like the sight or smell of food... and at the end of the day, I FEEL BAD BECAUSE I CHEATED. (Yes, I call it cheating when I eat something I didn't intend/plan/truly want to eat, because when I do that I am cheating *myself.*)

Now, the important point here is that I feel bad for doing something I didn't even do. How crazy is that? It happened today but I caught it. Thus the blog post. It has happened before, when I actually ate one or two extra things in a day and at the end of the day I was lamenting how I "ruined" my day and ate so much and surely am doomed to obesity forever, and then when I go and add up the actual calories in what I ate, it is reasonable. Not nearly as much as I'd imagined. It's like the food thoughts are bigger than life.

Today I was at a party. I knew there would be food, so I just drank a shake beforehand and figured if they had anything on plan like veggies I would eat that. Well, they had veggies alright... plus dips, potato chips, Doritos, cheese puffs, freshly fried chicken nuggets and mozzarella sticks, little smokies in barbecue sauce, many kinds of cheeses, crackers, sugary punch, cake, taco dip, Fritos, and candy. I will tell you that fried stuff is my major weakness and all that stuff was in open bowls on a huge table right where we were standing for about 2 hours. I spent quite a bit of time glancing at and smelling those chippy things and fried things. I watched just about everyone else at the party eat that stuff. And yes, I wanted it. At first it was a mild interest. But as the hours went by it became harder and harder to resist until I was actually wondering if I could get away with putting a Dorito in my mouth and sucking off the powder and then spitting the rest of the chip in the trash. I didn't do it, though. I ate about a cup of veggies: cherry tomatoes, broccoli, and celery dipped in about 2 Tbsp of Ranch. When I got actually hungry I ate 2 slices of cheese. I drank water. I went about my day. I ate healthy. I was very busy all evening, but somehow all that food kept haunting me and dancing in my head. I remembered every smell and how every chip looked. I was not craving it badly enough to go binge, but it was nagging me.

I ate my Medifast bar and then, at 10:30pm, I ate one Kraft 2% American singles cheese slice. And then I thought, gosh. I had such a horrible, off plan, screwed up eating day! I will probably gain 2 pounds overnight from this. I ate so much. Ugh!

And then I got a bit of reality. Hello, *thinking* about Doritos all day is not the same as eating them. Thinking about them has no calories. The only thing I ate off plan today was 1) a higher fat dressing than usual, and 2) some higher fat cheese than usual (although I counted it towards my lean, so the only thing 'off' was the fat content).

I had a good day. I did great with what I had, and I am ready for another good day tomorrow. I won't let those silly food mirages haunt me anymore. It only counts if it actually goes in my mouth and stays there!

The Experience

Something hit me while I was eating my salad tonight. But first, the background.

I have not been very hungry at all the past few days. It's amazing how once the sugar and junk get out of my system, I don't really crave anything or feel hungry except for at certain times of the month. It's nice. I look at the clock, go "oh I should eat," and sort of shrug and grab whatever is easiest, a shake, a bar, whatever. But I do really look forward to dinner every night.

Today I went shopping because I wanted to have lots of crisp, fresh, tasty salad ingredients on hand for meals. I got all the delicious-looking veggies I wanted, and a chunk of roasted turkey breast to slice on top. I even got a new salad dressing that looked good.

I was so happy chopping up my baby cucumbers, ripe red tomatoes, and firm button mushrooms. I was almost humming as I measured out a cup of mixed greens and a cup of tender arugula and tossed them into a mixing bowl. I popped a small yellow tomato into my mouth as I placed a few on my beautiful, colorful salad, and my mouth was watering as I weighed out and sliced my moist cold turkey breast. I opened the dressing and measured my 2 Tbsp onto the salad. I licked the spoon, and boy was it good! I poured a tall glass of ice water and sat down to enjoy my feast.

Only, it didn't seem like a feast, I couldn't figure out what was going on in my head for the first few minutes. It tasted fresh and good. The greens were wonderful and the tomatoes sweet. Everything was just fine. Except, I felt almost like I didn't want to eat it. Oh I was hungry by then, but I just had this blah experience with the salad, and then I had a moment of clarity.

It was not "satisfying" in the same way, say, a plate of fried chicken and mashed potatoes is satisfying. Of course I feel so much better after eating a salad than I do after eating a fatty crappy meal, but still, something is missing in the mouthfeel and experience of a salad. It has something to do with the way a carby fatty super-salty meal makes me feel indulged and happy and almost high. I sort of go into a stupor when I eat something like fried chicken. It puts me into this state of OMG YUM that I just can't seem to get with a salad unless I add a lot of extras like cheese, more dressing, bacon, and some kind of sugar/carb load like croutons or dried fruits. Then, yeah. Yum. But when I eat a simple veg-and-protein salad with moderate dressing, it tastes good, but it is not an *experience.* I don't even know if this makes sense to you.

It is similar when I eat a protein bar or a "sugar free fat free" treat. It might taste good but it is not the experience. A slice of plain wheat bread can taste great but somehow it is not the same as eating half a loaf of hot white bread with butter. You know?

And the other part of it is the texture. I could never get into the texture of raw vegetables and salads. As an adult I learned to enjoy them, but as a kid I dumped on so much dressing and cheese that the texture was hidden, and as a morbidly obese adult I did the same, plus I ate several soft white buttered rolls with any salad I ate. Then it could become an experience. I strongly prefer creamy stuff (as in fatty) and crispy stuff (as in deep fried, not as in celery!)

As I got halfway through my salad I felt a bit of resentment. I thought about how "other people" get to eat fast food, and fried stuff, and pizza whenever they want. (I know that's not really true, but I think it sometimes). I thought about how even though the salad tasted good, I would gladly trade it for a burger and fries right then. And I got a bit annoyed because sometimes, this whole thing just stops making sense and I drive home from errands after seeing 90% of people in the store buying chips and ice cream and then seeing the long lines of people at fast food drive thrus, and I think, dammit, this sucks! Why isn't EVERYONE fat? Why can't I just go back to when I used to be one of them, buying and eating what I pleased?

And then I remember being so morbidly obese I could barely walk. I remember how I could not go down to enjoy the beach with my family the month before I started this blog... how my husband had to drop me off at the handicapped access point and then drive back to the regular parking area with the kids and walk to meet me. I remember being in pain and tired and, frankly, miserable. And how that greasy fried chicken was becoming my only source of pleasure in life.

I have so many more sources of pleasure in life now. I can walk and move and play and work. I am free. I don't need "the experience" of FOOD in order to have pleasure in my life. And I so do not want to ever, ever go back to that place I was four years ago. Not for all the fried chicken in the world.

So I eat my salads, I enjoy them just fine, they taste good. And then I get my real pleasure... my "experience"... in LIFE.

A Little Experiment

As you know if you've been reading my blog for awhile, I have been on Medifast for a little over a year. Before that, I did calorie counting. Anyway, the plan is fairly simple: eat 5 Medifast meals and one "Lean & Green" meal each day. Doesn't matter which Medifast meals I pick; it can be pancakes, oatmeal, brownies, pudding, shakes, soup, whatever. You just eat a Medifast meal every 2 or 3 hours and if you want, have an optional snack in there too (stuff like celery, pickles, sugar free Jello, nuts). The Lean & Green is pretty simple too; pick a Lean off the list (chicken, eggs, fish, lean beef, tofu, etc... the list tells how many ounces of each thing you can have) and 3 Greens off the list (salad, cukes, tomatoes, mushrooms, cauliflower, etc... each Green is either 1 cup (salads) or 1/2 cup (most other veggies) per serving and you get 3 servings). Then you pick the Healthy Fats you need (olive oil, salad dressing, etc) and you're done. No more than 3 condiments a day. That's it.

However, even with a simple plan, there is wiggle room for change. Some people just eat what the lists say and call it good, and that works. Some people actually log their calories and carbs online to make sure they stay within their guidelines (85-100g carbs). But the beauty of being on Medifast is the math is really done for you and you don't *have* to count anything.

But you can!

I have been thinking about how my food choices are affecting my weight loss. I seem to have a slower loss when I eat from the "meatless leans" list... stuff like low fat cheeses, ricotta, Morningstar Farms burgers, stuff like that. And there is a large range in the carb content of the allowed veggies, too. I have been eating a LOT of cheese lately for my Lean in the form of cauliflower pizzas, zucchini lasagna, and cauliflower mac & cheese, but I am going to try a little experiment this week. I'm going to switch to lower fat, lower sodium, non-dairy Leans such as chicken breast, canned tuna, salmon, lean ground beef, lean pork, and Egg Beaters. I am also going to eat more salads and lower carb vegetable options for my Greens. I have a lot of broccoli which is higher carb than lettuce, so I will be eating some of that too, but for the most part my dinner is going to be lower carb, lower sodium, lower fat. I am just curious to see if that gives me a better weight loss for the week. I am kind of excited to get back down to my old low (175) so I am very motivated to get it done.

I think anyone can benefit from eating more fresh, local produce in the summer and enjoying simple meals like salads. Try slicing up 5 ounces of lean steak over 2 cups of mixed greens and a half cup of your favorite veggies like tomatoes, cucumbers, peppers. Or try sliced cold eggs, cubed chicken breast, or even browned ground turkey on a big, fresh salad! Great stuff.

What's your favorite summertime dinner?


*FTC-required disclosure: Medifast provided me with its products for my personal use for free. I am not paid or compensated in any other way for mentioning their products. Medifast states an "average weight loss of up to 2 to 5 pounds a week."*

Relative Fatness

Isn't it crazy how "fat" and "skinny" are so relative? I remember not long ago when the thought of weighing 214 pounds made me giddy... how skinny I would be! Yet the thought of weighing even 195 pounds now seems so BIG to me. (Talking about MY body, not anyone else's, which is what makes it so relative I guess). It's all about where you've been. If your highest adult weight was 145 pounds and you find yourself at 165, you feel super fat. I have been there. Those were my numbers when I was 21 and lost a baby. I felt humongous, and having my father-in-law call me names and make fun of my weight just solidified it for me that I was, in reality, FAT. Well, 165 seems like a dream now. I have not been that weight in over a decade.

I had a friend once when I was in my 30's who was my age and also had children. I remember envying her ability to pull off really cute outfits and be the "cool mom" on the playground while I was trying to hide in my black stretch pants and tee shirts. She looked amazing to me. She probably weighed 140 pounds at about 5'7. One day at school she started lamenting how fat she is. I was shocked. Let me tell you, when you are morbidly obese, most people will NOT mention weight or size or the word fat around you. It is the taboo topic, I think, that the skinny people talk about when no really fat people are around. (I came to this conclusion when I lost 100 pounds and all the other moms who never knew me when I was obese talked to me and made comments with me present about weight and fat that I never, ever heard when I myself was obese). I told this friend, "You are not fat. You look great!" but she told me she is the fattest person in her family and her relatives were all making fun and telling her to go on a diet. I mean, this lady looked healthy! She did not even look like she needed to lose 5 pounds in my eyes. But in her eyes and the eyes of those people who mattered to her, she was fat. 140 pounds, 5'7, fat. And her feelings, while perhaps not medically accurate, were valid. We feel what we feel, even if our thoughts are skewed.

Without a number, I feel fat right now. Not in my head, because in my head I am in a good place... a more self-accepting place. I've even been wearing short sleeved tee shirts this week without stress, which is a huge deal to me. But my BODY feels fat. I hate having to stuff my "extra" into my pants that are a little tight. I feel heavier and lumpier than I want to. My body wants to be lighter. I am paying attention. I feel fat even though when I look at where I have been, I am almost thin in comparison. But add the number in there, which is 190 pounds right now, and the head games begin. 189 seems so much lighter when it really isn't. So I try to focus on how I actually feel in my body rather than my head games or scale numbers.

For me, 165 pounds will be thin. If I continue losing weight, 155 pounds will be thin and maybe 165 will seem fat. It's all quite variable. And valid.

That's all for now. I have a busy day ahead of me!

Hot Weather Eating

Does anyone else think it is way easier to eat healthy and lose weight in the summer? I noticed it before when I was just counting calories, and I am noticing the same thing on Medifast. In the winter, I am always cold. I hate drinking anything cold. I want to eat warm, heavy, filling comfort foods and carby stuff. I crave creamy soups, potatoes, pasta, baked goods, stuff like that. But now it is getting hot and once again I am craving cool, fresh produce: lots of salads, tomatoes, cucumbers, and other cool crunchy fresh local veggies. I also LOVE eating icy cold stuff, which right now means a lot of slushy things, shakes, and smoothies made from Medifast shake mixes, puddings, and cold drinks. I drink more water and unsweetened iced tea, too. And my appetite is far less when it is hot! Add more activity due to good weather, and you have a combination of factors that helps me stay on plan.

How about you? Is it easier for you to stay on plan in the summer?

Weigh In Monday

I usually post a weigh-in on Sunday, but wanted to address the "big" question instead. So here's my weigh-in for this week.

I had a very good, on plan week with my eating. No off plan junk, no extras, no sugary stuff etc. I am not sure exactly what I weighed last Sunday as I was off plan and off the scale but it was likely in the 198 range. I did get back on plan and stayed there since last Monday, so I now have one solid week under my belt and feel much better. On Wednesday June 1 I weighed 195 pounds, and yesterday (and today) I weighed 192. So I have lost 3 or more pounds this past week.

Honestly I cannot wait to get out of the 190's, back into the 180's and 170's. I already feel better but I know I will feel awesome in 10-15 pounds. My clothes fit better and it is just easier to move at that weight.

I made cauliflower breadsticks for my dinner last night and it was awesome! I will try and get a post up with a recipe so you can try it if you like. They are very good but not *addicting* like regular breadsticks are. I actually steamed a whole, huge head of cauliflower yesterday and portioned out some for fake macaroni and cheese and froze the rest for cauliflower mashed "potatoes" (those recipes are in my recipe file in the low carb section... link is at the top of the blog under "Recipes.")

Not much else going on. Prepping for my daughter's last dance recitals, finishing up the last week of school for all my kiddos, waiting for a repairman to come fix my broken washing machine tomorrow, training the pup. Just life. Enjoy your day!

Big Mom, Big Kid Response

I have written before about the way people think of and treat heavier folks who ride in motorized carts at the grocery store, and how wrong their assumptions can be. I have shared my response to my innocent preschooler's question about her classmate: "Why is Max so fat?" And I have repeatedly discussed how important I think compassion is towards others. Yet it is on my mind frequently, because weight loss and obesity has been such a huge part of my focus for so long now, and I often ponder the way people, and myself, think and feel about the obese... and their children.

I asked Friday, and you answered. I know we have a sort of 'closed group' here responding, and honestly I think we get both more compassion (because we have been there) and more judgement (because we have been there), or in other words, maybe our feelings are more extreme than the general population who has never been fat. I have been appalled at the way the general public treats morbidly obese people... assuming laziness and gluttony and all manner of negative things about *all* very large people. But I think the general public also has a much stronger response to the sight of a morbidly obese adult with a similarly obese child. "They should not let them get that way." "That is child abuse!" We saw it in the comments here on my blog, too. And those are honest opinions and feelings, with, in some cases, perhaps some validity. But I personally believe that in the majority of cases, it is not child abuse. There is something deeper going on that we can't even begin to guess about.

To me, it is kind of like many of us who gained a lot of weight. It sort of creeps up on you. I gained 80 pounds in less than a year, and people wondered how on earth I could "let myself" get like that. Well honestly I didn't notice until I was pretty far gone. I knew I was gaining weight but it seemed like I exploded overnight, really. And you know how your kids grow and change and since you see them every day, you don't really "see" it? I am sure most parents do love and want the best for their children.

This question was prompted by two experiences in the past week.

1) I was sitting in my car in a parking lot, turned to look out my window, and saw a very large woman who I might guess to be 350+ pounds walking with a girl about 10 years old who looked very much like her, in every way, including her body type. The child was very obese.

Of course, at this point, there are those who are enraged that I noticed the body size of these two strangers. "It's not your business!" Well, you're right. That's why I didn't stare, or get out of my car and try to talk to them about weight loss. I don't know them, I don't know if that mother has already lost 100 pounds or if she has no idea what to eat to get healthy or if she is perfectly happy as she is. Not my business. Correct. But I will never pretend to be blind. I see. I don't understand people who say they "don't notice" a person's weight or the color of their skin or their disability. When I see a person, my EYES cannot NOT see that they are black, white, short, fat, bald, male, female, young old, missing a leg, whatever. Seeing is NOT judging. It is observation. It is a function of our eyeballs.

Sitting and assuming and dwelling on what we see *is* a choice, and I don't think *thinking* about what we see is wrong. I have long ago stopped making judgements about random people on the street. I saw those people and I thought about how hard it is to be that obese, to find clothes that fit, to go to middle school and be teased. But the biggest thought I had was sorrow at how this pair of people are probably treated when they go out and about. Not everyone has a filter. I am sure people make comments about their weight and the mother's parenting in their hearing and directly to them. And that makes me sad.

2) My daughter has a friend she met in a class she was in. Her friend, Caylee, is five years old and very obese. She is not just large, but is a weight that might be medically concerning to me if I were her mother. The rest of her family is stick thin. One day, my daughter and I went at a little restaurant. My daughter is on the underweight side for medical reasons, so we try to maximize her calories without including sugary treats. At the buffet, she chose a slice of pizza, some macaroni and cheese, a little fettuccine, and fried chicken. Everyone smiled as they walked past our table at my little girl so excited to have foods she doesn't usually get at home, savoring the fried food and grinning. (Yes I have also had people... not in person, but on this blog... attack my food choices for my daughter without knowing or seeing her, so I get how that feels). Well, just across the room I noticed Caylee was there as well with her family. And on her plate were the same foods my little girl had chosen. But several people walked by slowly and stared and even paused with a scowl. I saw someone shake their head after they passed her table. I could not believe anyone would act that way to a child, but I guess people make assumptions when they see a child so heavy with "unhealthy" things on her plate. But you know what really got me? That these same people smiled and approved and thought it was okay when these same "unhealthy" foods were on the plate of my very thin child!

I waved at the mother, we walked past and my girl said "hey that is the same thing I had to eat!" and the mother, sadly apologetic, looked at me and said, "Yeah, that's what she likes, I can't change it." I can only imagine that she felt the need to say that because in the past, people have attacked her because of her child's food choices.

Well, maybe it's true that parents with obese kids *should* control what they eat. Heck, shouldn't *all* parents? Is it fair to get on Caylee's mom for letting her have M&M's at Halloween but not get on me for the same? I dunno, it's hard when kids are involved because we are responsible for their well-being. If Caylee grows up into a 300 pound teen with diabetes, whose fault is it? I know how most would answer. And I do wish that all of us would be more careful about what we let our kids put in their mouths. It's tough living in a society where the kid goes to school and gets fed 2 cupcakes at a birthday party. It's tough when you take your kid to dance and they come out with a jelly donut and a coupon for McDonald's. It isn't any easier when every party you go to has brownies and cakes and cookies. I don't have cookies or baked stuff in my home at all, so when we go grocery shopping and my child is with me, I do let her get a free cookie at the bakery. Yesterday the baker came out and handed her a BIG chocolate chip cookie. It was a lot more sugar than she is accustomed to at one sitting. As I was pondering splitting it in half and saving the other half for another day, the baker came back out and tried to hand her another cookie! "It's okay, no thanks," I said. "Take another!" he said to her, holding out the cookie. "Really, it's enough., no thanks," I said, yet he continued to offer it to her, smiling and saying "have another!" as we walked away saying "thanks, bye!"

Anyway, I guess the summary of what I, personally think is that everyone has their struggles. We don't know what they are, so we are best to not assume or judge. Caylee's mom has, in the past, mentioned her child's weight to me. My response was to invite her to dance class, to offer recipes for low sugar whole grain snack bars, to let her know where she could get fresh fruit at a reasonable price. That is all I can do. I can send my child to school with a healthy lunch rather than letting her bring Twinkies or eat the processed meals they sell in the cafeteria. I can make sure *my* child is healthy and active to the best of my ability.

Big Mom, Big Kid

I have a question for you.

What do you think... what do you *honestly* think... when you see a very obese mother with her very obese young child? What do you think? Do you make any assumptions? How do you feel towards the mother? Towards the child?

What if they are at a buffet eating loads of fried chicken and french fries, or at McDonald's having Big Macs? What if they are walking briskly on a path together? What if they are eating a salad together?
Does any of that change your thoughts or feelings?

I am looking for honest answers here, from everyone. There is no right or wrong answer, as I am only asking about what you, personally, think. You can leave your thoughts anonymously if you like.

Joy and Freedom

I looked in the mirror this morning and saw the skinny me. The one in the "100-pounds-gone" pictures there at the left. I saw her when I got dressed this morning, and it made me happy.

How is that possible, when just ten days ago I looked in the mirror and saw a huge, bloated, unhappy, aging, hopeless mess? How can I see the skinny me when I am still 16 pounds heavier than I was when those pictures were taken? I dunno, but I saw her, clear as day. I guess it means she is coming back.

I feel like her again, instead of feeling like the 278-pound wreck I was when I started this journey. It's not just about the weight, obviously. It's about a mindset... and it's also about how I physically feel. Before I started this journey, I was tired, achy, embarrassed, frustrated. And when I eat junky food, I feel that way again, even 100 pounds lighter. When I am eating well and not obsessing about food, the bloat goes away. The pain goes away. The embarrassment, the frustration, the exhaustion goes away. This up-and-down experience has taught me that "skinny" is not a number to me, but a feeling and a way of living. Not many people would call 175 pounds 'skinny', but to me, it is. It feels that way. I guess it's all in where you've been, and where you are. Don't you think?

My mind is clear now, and I don't think about eating junk anymore. The obsession has once again lifted and I have hope. I've made a new goal for myself, to reach a new low weight by my birthday in July. My old low on this journey was 175 pounds, so that means I'd like to weigh 174 or less by mid-July. Can I lose 20 pounds in 6 weeks? Yeah, I think I can. It's a bit of a stretch but I like stretches. I still have a bit of water weight that needs to drop off this week, and that will give me a head start. If I don't make my goal, I will come very close! It will be my birthday present to myself.

Some of the dinners I am eating while on Medifast:

5 ounces of lean grass fed beef steak with 1 cup steamed green beans and 1 cup mixed green salad
6 ounces of poached chicken breast with 1 cup of broccoli and 1/2 cup of cauliflower 'rice'
5 ounces of baked wild salmon with 2 cups of Romaine and 1/2 cup cherry tomatoes
6 deviled egg halves (made with lite mayo), a cup of steamed asparagus and a half cup of cucumber slices
7 ounces of Buffalo steak with 1/2 cup sauteed mushrooms, 1/2 cup of mashed cauliflower 'potatoes' and half a cup of steamed bok choy
fajitas made from 6 ounces of chicken breast strips, half a cup of mushrooms and a cup of red, green, and yellow bell peppers
2 small cans of tuna over a bed of 1 1/2 cups of shredded cabbage with light coleslaw dressing
cauliflower pizza
1 cup of Eggbeaters cooked with 1 cup of turkey sausage crumbles, 1/2 cup of cooked spinach, 1/2 cup of mushrooms, and 1/2 cup of pepper strips
5 ounces of lean pork chop with 1/2 cup sliced fresh tomatoes, 1/2 cup green beans, and 1 cup of mixed green salad
on and on... I love this way of eating and really enjoy it. It is very satisfying and I don't miss the grains at all.

The other day I saw a girl I've known since she was a little child. She went through a chunky phase in her childhood, and then got heavy in middle and high school. But she was always bright and happy and loved to dance. She has always been an amazing dancer at any weight. Well, she is in her late teens now and she has dropped a significant amount of weight recently. I watched her flit across the dance floor in her new body and I thought, wow. I wonder how she feels, being 40 or so pounds lighter and so much more agile and able to move. It makes me smile to think of how much freer she may feel and the joy she is getting from being able to move. I personally can tell you that moving your body rapidly at 190 pounds is way harder than it is at 150. Imagine carrying that weight as you leap across a dance floor. And then when it is gone, the freedom. I am really happy for her. She is a sweet girl.

You can have it, too. I can have it. I signed up for an agility class with my dog this summer. There is no way in heck I am going to be able to run or jog or compete in agility with my knees the way they are, but I can do the classes. I can walk pretty fast. I can be on my feet for an hour and keep up and have fun, all of which would have been impossible at 278 pounds for me. The freedom of a new, lighter body is amazing. The new life we can get by dropping weight is out there waiting for us. No, losing weight doesn't fix all our problems. Not even close. But the freedom... I cannot even express how much more freedom there is in movement, in ability, in less pain, in more confidence. Just being able to mop all the floors in my house or rake the leaves in the yard and ENJOY it is amazing. My wish is for all of you to get to experience it. Don't give up. Keep trying. You never know which 'try' is going to take.

June 1, 2011: 195 Pounds

Not a number I like, but I am in a good place right now... the best place I have been in months. I have both feet firmly planted back in my Medifast routine, have lots of healthy meals pre-cooked and frozen for my convenience, have boiled eggs, cooked chicken breast, cooked lean beef patties, steamed veggies and salad fixings all ready in my fridge, and my mind in the right place. In fact, after a week of staying on plan, my body finally is responding positively. Even though the scale is going very slowly... only a 3 pound loss in May... I am starting to get my energy back and feel normal again. This morning for the first time in ages, I woke up spontaneously at 6:45 with no alarm or kids or dogs waking me up. I just opened my eyes and nearly bounded out of bed to get started with my day. I am not a morning person, so this is great for me. It has happened to me before when I was 100% on plan for some time. It feels really good to FEEL GOOD. And even though the scale says I only lost 3 pounds, I feel much lighter. My waist is thinner and not bloated and my pants are looser. So *something* good is happening here; I think June will get me a nice loss. I also noticed my arthritis pain is almost gone again. Over the winter, with the occasional foray into sugary foods, my arthritis flared up to the point of my needing to take pain medication and anti-inflammatories daily. Not only my knees were hurting, but my hips, my feet, and especially my hands. There is only a hint of soreness left today, and that is without medication.

I have every incentive now to stay on plan and not veer off into the sugar pit again. When I feel this good, I always look back in horror at the misery I was putting myself through just for the sake of having a cookie. The pain, the exhaustion, the mental fog, the headaches. All gone. Life is SO MUCH BETTER when I take good care of myself.

Today is also "workout Wednesday" and I am doing my exercises mostly with 8 pound weights. I finally have the energy to keep up with it. I am also still walking a couple miles a day with the pup, who is now a very BIG pup at 55 pounds! I tried several times to add a picture of her here, but Blogger is acting weird. I can't even leave comments on other blogs! I will try to add pup pictures again later.

Last night's dinner was 2 deviled eggs (4 halves, made with light mayo) and 2 oz chicken breast mixed into leftover broccoli salad, with a side of green beans. Tonight will be a leftover lean sirloin burger (made on the grill) over a mixed green salad with salsa ranch dressing. Hoping to find some wild, fresh salmon to make for dinner tomorrow! I love salmon!

Have a great day and be good to yourself!